I had a pretty good day today. It started off kinda bad, but it got better. Matt drove me down to mom's and for some reason I was getting really nervous about my dentist appointment. Even though it was only to talk to the guy, I was seriously scared. In fact I felt a bit sick about it, and thought there was no way I could go.
Which really surprised me, because I truly had not been thinking much about the appointment. I knew I wasn't getting a root canal today, so why even worry at this point? Yet I did.
Then right before I got to my mom's, the dentist called to reschedule my appt. That must have been fate, I'm telling you, because I honestly was feeling too worked up to go. After that little miracle, I was fine. Of course.
In fact I did extremely well through out the day. Even at all the stores we went to, even standing by myself in lines, and wandering the stores a bit on my own. And at one point, we needed to go pick up a car, so I drove it back to the house. Mom was behind me, but I wasn't at all scared.
I've been pretty much symptom free all day today. A few minor feelings here and there, but really not much at all.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Booooooring!
I am bored. My life is boring. It has no purpose. What's worse is that I can't seem to be bothered to get off my fat arse and do something about this.
I know full well, it sounds like I'm depressed and possibly suicidal, but I assure you I am not. I like life and all the things it has to offer. I truly want to go out and do things. Travel would be high on my list. But for some reason, I seem to be stuck. Overwhelmed. Lazy.
Not only that, but the one thing that really seemed to get me excited, has now become blah. I'm talking about art. I have no desire to go downstairs to that artic freezer and try to create things. I also have no desire to haul everything up here and make a huge mess trying to create things in a space that was never meant to accommodate such activities. What I really need is a nice art area up here, where everything can fit, where I won't mind going to, and where the temperature isn't 20 degrees cooler.
The area downstairs is lovely for a studio, except it smells overwhelmingly like dirt, and every time I come up from spending time down there, my throat is very irritated for the whole of the next day. So I don't go anymore.
The other issue is that there is only one room in the house that is at all comfortable in the winter time, and that is the living room where the wood burning stove is. We spend all our time here for the 4 months or so of winter, and even sleep in here most of that time as well. So going off to the kitchen or my den is really an unpleasant experience, because as soon as you leave the cozy confines of the living room, you immediately start chattering, and find yourself racing around to get whatever it is you needed to get done in that part of the house, and then making your way back to the couch and fire post haste before frostbite can set in.
And since the living room only offers one kind of sitting choice (3 couches), I am permanently stuck to one of those said couches on days such as these (namely days we don't leave the house because Matt is working all day). This makes for some very sore muscles, and spectacular headaches from being scrunched up all day on the computer or reading.
I'm really on a complaining kick aren't I? Well I can't help it. I'm done fed up with doing nothing all day long. It doesn't start out that way either. The day usually starts with lofty ambitions of all the things I'm going to get done and accomplish that day.
Yet, as we are late to bed, and late to rise, by the time we get showered and dressed it is about 1:30, and then it's time for lunch. Of course after lunch, well I'm just too full to do those dishes or vacuum, or that laundry right now, so let me rest for bit by reading this book and checking the internet, and then I'll get to it, just as soon as I feel more comfortable and energetic. Okay?
Yeah right! Never happens, and before I know it, dusk is settling in, and whoops another day has gone, and then my Food Network shows are on, and Whoops there goes the night, and now it's time for bed, only to wake up and repeat the whole stinkin process over again.
Pretty fucking sad huh?
So seriously, I really need to step up on getting my life together. I feel lost and lonely, and just don't know how to get back to what I used to be.
I know I have homework from therapy, and I'm supposed to be trying to get on a schedule which I need so bad, but I can not for the life of me seem to do this. What will it take for me to pick up those damn car keys and take my drive?
I don't need to even go that far, I just need to go. Yet day after day, I don't do it. And at this point it's not really about being nervous. I know I can drive to the store, down the street, across the road, whatever. I'm not scared about that so much anymore, it's just that it has become such a habit, not to do things, that I think I can't and then I don't!
Like today. The highlight of my day, was going to the ATM while Matt went into the Hardware store next door. I had no trouble with this. I didn't even know which area of the store he would be in, nor did I really care. This is progress.
Then later while at home, he kept hinting about taking Monkey for his walk, which I had no interest in doing as I was too cold. So it occured to me, to have Matt just go without me, and I didn't feel scared about it. Yet, I never mentioned this to him. Why? I think because it's such a habit not to do anything, and to be scared about doing anything, that now when I'm feeling more confident about this anxiety, I'm still hesitant to branch out, because I'm so used to not doing it. If that makes any sense.
And the thing is, the sooner I can branch out and do things, which I actually feel like I can now, the sooner I can have a life. If Matt wants to spend his whole day on the couch with the laptop working, he can do so, but I can be shopping for dinner, or working, or doing anything that interests me. The possibilities are endless and exciting.
I'm wasting this time on disability and it's making me more anxious and overwhelmed thinking that in a month the time will come for me to either extend my disability (at this rate, it may as well be permanently), or go back to work and face those demons, which I also don't want to do.
I really want my life back!! I wish I never went on that darn backpacking trip sometimes!
I know full well, it sounds like I'm depressed and possibly suicidal, but I assure you I am not. I like life and all the things it has to offer. I truly want to go out and do things. Travel would be high on my list. But for some reason, I seem to be stuck. Overwhelmed. Lazy.
Not only that, but the one thing that really seemed to get me excited, has now become blah. I'm talking about art. I have no desire to go downstairs to that artic freezer and try to create things. I also have no desire to haul everything up here and make a huge mess trying to create things in a space that was never meant to accommodate such activities. What I really need is a nice art area up here, where everything can fit, where I won't mind going to, and where the temperature isn't 20 degrees cooler.
The area downstairs is lovely for a studio, except it smells overwhelmingly like dirt, and every time I come up from spending time down there, my throat is very irritated for the whole of the next day. So I don't go anymore.
The other issue is that there is only one room in the house that is at all comfortable in the winter time, and that is the living room where the wood burning stove is. We spend all our time here for the 4 months or so of winter, and even sleep in here most of that time as well. So going off to the kitchen or my den is really an unpleasant experience, because as soon as you leave the cozy confines of the living room, you immediately start chattering, and find yourself racing around to get whatever it is you needed to get done in that part of the house, and then making your way back to the couch and fire post haste before frostbite can set in.
And since the living room only offers one kind of sitting choice (3 couches), I am permanently stuck to one of those said couches on days such as these (namely days we don't leave the house because Matt is working all day). This makes for some very sore muscles, and spectacular headaches from being scrunched up all day on the computer or reading.
I'm really on a complaining kick aren't I? Well I can't help it. I'm done fed up with doing nothing all day long. It doesn't start out that way either. The day usually starts with lofty ambitions of all the things I'm going to get done and accomplish that day.
Yet, as we are late to bed, and late to rise, by the time we get showered and dressed it is about 1:30, and then it's time for lunch. Of course after lunch, well I'm just too full to do those dishes or vacuum, or that laundry right now, so let me rest for bit by reading this book and checking the internet, and then I'll get to it, just as soon as I feel more comfortable and energetic. Okay?
Yeah right! Never happens, and before I know it, dusk is settling in, and whoops another day has gone, and then my Food Network shows are on, and Whoops there goes the night, and now it's time for bed, only to wake up and repeat the whole stinkin process over again.
Pretty fucking sad huh?
So seriously, I really need to step up on getting my life together. I feel lost and lonely, and just don't know how to get back to what I used to be.
I know I have homework from therapy, and I'm supposed to be trying to get on a schedule which I need so bad, but I can not for the life of me seem to do this. What will it take for me to pick up those damn car keys and take my drive?
I don't need to even go that far, I just need to go. Yet day after day, I don't do it. And at this point it's not really about being nervous. I know I can drive to the store, down the street, across the road, whatever. I'm not scared about that so much anymore, it's just that it has become such a habit, not to do things, that I think I can't and then I don't!
Like today. The highlight of my day, was going to the ATM while Matt went into the Hardware store next door. I had no trouble with this. I didn't even know which area of the store he would be in, nor did I really care. This is progress.
Then later while at home, he kept hinting about taking Monkey for his walk, which I had no interest in doing as I was too cold. So it occured to me, to have Matt just go without me, and I didn't feel scared about it. Yet, I never mentioned this to him. Why? I think because it's such a habit not to do anything, and to be scared about doing anything, that now when I'm feeling more confident about this anxiety, I'm still hesitant to branch out, because I'm so used to not doing it. If that makes any sense.
And the thing is, the sooner I can branch out and do things, which I actually feel like I can now, the sooner I can have a life. If Matt wants to spend his whole day on the couch with the laptop working, he can do so, but I can be shopping for dinner, or working, or doing anything that interests me. The possibilities are endless and exciting.
I'm wasting this time on disability and it's making me more anxious and overwhelmed thinking that in a month the time will come for me to either extend my disability (at this rate, it may as well be permanently), or go back to work and face those demons, which I also don't want to do.
I really want my life back!! I wish I never went on that darn backpacking trip sometimes!
Sunday Stuff
Boy I've been really lucky with the pain lately. For some reason, it has mostly gone away. Until, that is, I eat. It used to be that eating helped, and would actually relieve the bad sensations, but now, just one bite of food will send astonishingly bad pain straight to my brain. In fact I had to take Tylenol and use a hot pack to the face, just to eat my mac and cheese last night. One of the softest foods on the planet.
Though I must say, it hasn't stopped me eating ice cream, even though my facial muscles become momentarily paralyzed in a puckering position, and my eyeballs roll into the back of my head, while sharp stabby pains consume the whole left side of my face. Eventually it goes away enough for me to scarf down the rest of my frozen creamy goodness, but afterward all hell breaks loose, while my poor nerves settle down from the onslaught of freezing cold.
You know I'm kinda thinking of putting off my root canal now, because I can't help but see this as a sure fire opportunity to loose those 30 pounds that I have accumulated since I hurt my back two years ago. Especially now that the holidays are near. What a way to keep trim right? I'm pretty sure this would work.
What? Not a good idea?
Anyhoo, let's move on. Yesterday was a good one. We gallery sat from 3-6, and I worked on a painting, and generally had a good relaxing time. No issues this time, and I was totally comfortable. So comfortable in fact, that I walked to the market across the street by myself and went shopping. I didn't just pick up one thing either, I actually roamed around the store (yes it was sort of quickly) but without fear, and grabbed my items. Then I had to wait in line, since there were two people ahead of me, but I did fine. Now if I could just keep my brain from thinking "what if I panic", It would have been perfect.
And today, was another good day. Went to Pacifica to eat at Gorilla's BBQ that we saw on Diners, Drive ins and Dives, and yep it was good. Now the wierd thing is just as we got to the turn to the parking lot, I started to feel disoriented a bit. Like a mini out of body experience, and I easily could have panicked and had major problems, but I didn't.
Not only that, but when we got to the place, which is nothing but a train car, we had to wait in an enormous line, in a very tiny spot. But guess what? I totally did fine!! No major issues. The only problem was I was super hungry and I kept worrying about getting that bad hungry fainty feeling, but luckily we got our food in time.
After we ate, we went to SF, and I admit I was feeling a bit nervous since I was full and having a tiny bit of a hard time breathing, and I kept thinking I was dizzy, even though I really wasn't. No matter it didn't ruin anything.
We went for a walk in Golden Gate Park looking for this mysterious cafe place we ran across one night on our bikes, and at that point I felt a little unease as we got further from the car. Especially when we got to a really narrow point that was obviously where the homeless folks slept, and call me a chicken but I got nervous going through there. I didn't want to come up on anyone and make them mad for tromping through their house. Now normally, I wouldn't have worried so much and probably would have thought it quite adventurous, but with the Big A things are different, so of course I sort of had a really mini panic moment.
We eventually made our way back, and found ourselves at the beach where there was some drumming action going on that Matt wanted to check out. It was very cool as it was a lovely evening. The sun was just going down, tons of folks were on the beach with bonfires, it was totally clear, and the "music" was playing. It was very cool.
Unfortunately I could not completely relax, because during the walk I felt out of breath, and it carried into this experience, so I kept thinking and worrying about my breathing. Of course it was all anxiety, and I knew it then, but it still hung around. Luckily I enjoyed myself still, and we didn't leave because of it. In fact we stayed for quite awhile, long after the sun went down and I started to freeze just a little bit.
We then explored the city a bit looking for an ice cream parlor and lo and behold we actually found one, somewhat close by. I got my fix and then we went home.
Pretty good day. And it was very nice to get out of the house, and feel like there is life outside of work, and worry, and the Food Network.
Though I must say, it hasn't stopped me eating ice cream, even though my facial muscles become momentarily paralyzed in a puckering position, and my eyeballs roll into the back of my head, while sharp stabby pains consume the whole left side of my face. Eventually it goes away enough for me to scarf down the rest of my frozen creamy goodness, but afterward all hell breaks loose, while my poor nerves settle down from the onslaught of freezing cold.
You know I'm kinda thinking of putting off my root canal now, because I can't help but see this as a sure fire opportunity to loose those 30 pounds that I have accumulated since I hurt my back two years ago. Especially now that the holidays are near. What a way to keep trim right? I'm pretty sure this would work.
What? Not a good idea?
Anyhoo, let's move on. Yesterday was a good one. We gallery sat from 3-6, and I worked on a painting, and generally had a good relaxing time. No issues this time, and I was totally comfortable. So comfortable in fact, that I walked to the market across the street by myself and went shopping. I didn't just pick up one thing either, I actually roamed around the store (yes it was sort of quickly) but without fear, and grabbed my items. Then I had to wait in line, since there were two people ahead of me, but I did fine. Now if I could just keep my brain from thinking "what if I panic", It would have been perfect.
And today, was another good day. Went to Pacifica to eat at Gorilla's BBQ that we saw on Diners, Drive ins and Dives, and yep it was good. Now the wierd thing is just as we got to the turn to the parking lot, I started to feel disoriented a bit. Like a mini out of body experience, and I easily could have panicked and had major problems, but I didn't.
Not only that, but when we got to the place, which is nothing but a train car, we had to wait in an enormous line, in a very tiny spot. But guess what? I totally did fine!! No major issues. The only problem was I was super hungry and I kept worrying about getting that bad hungry fainty feeling, but luckily we got our food in time.
After we ate, we went to SF, and I admit I was feeling a bit nervous since I was full and having a tiny bit of a hard time breathing, and I kept thinking I was dizzy, even though I really wasn't. No matter it didn't ruin anything.
We went for a walk in Golden Gate Park looking for this mysterious cafe place we ran across one night on our bikes, and at that point I felt a little unease as we got further from the car. Especially when we got to a really narrow point that was obviously where the homeless folks slept, and call me a chicken but I got nervous going through there. I didn't want to come up on anyone and make them mad for tromping through their house. Now normally, I wouldn't have worried so much and probably would have thought it quite adventurous, but with the Big A things are different, so of course I sort of had a really mini panic moment.
We eventually made our way back, and found ourselves at the beach where there was some drumming action going on that Matt wanted to check out. It was very cool as it was a lovely evening. The sun was just going down, tons of folks were on the beach with bonfires, it was totally clear, and the "music" was playing. It was very cool.
Unfortunately I could not completely relax, because during the walk I felt out of breath, and it carried into this experience, so I kept thinking and worrying about my breathing. Of course it was all anxiety, and I knew it then, but it still hung around. Luckily I enjoyed myself still, and we didn't leave because of it. In fact we stayed for quite awhile, long after the sun went down and I started to freeze just a little bit.
We then explored the city a bit looking for an ice cream parlor and lo and behold we actually found one, somewhat close by. I got my fix and then we went home.
Pretty good day. And it was very nice to get out of the house, and feel like there is life outside of work, and worry, and the Food Network.
Friday, November 13, 2009
A little relief. Finally!
Okay today was much much better pain wise. For one, I actually slept through the night, only problem was it was one of those days where we had to get up early, so I couldn't sleep as long as I needed.
Luckily I've only had one major flare up today, and that was around 3 pm, so since about 4 I've been doing pretty darn good. Not sure why that is, but I promise I won't complain, because the pain I felt earlier was the worst ever. This may or may not have had anything to do with the fact that I tried treating the pain with vanilla extract, which is something I read on the internet and people swore by.
Well it numbed my mouth for about 3 1/2 seconds, and then the burn kicked in, and about 3/4 of the way home, the pain was so intense, I really thought for sure I would need medical intervention.
Somehow, I got the bad sharp stabby pains to go away through various remedies, and it has been gone almost completely since then. Maybe the vanilla did work after all. Who knows, it's quite possible some nerves were killed during that process of which I'm not entirely sad about. Needless to say, I probably won't do that again.
Now anxiety wise I've done okay too. Had a moment in Whole Foods while Matt was in the restroom, but it wasn't bad, and really it was mostly I kept thinking I would get scared, not that I actually was. But the more I thought about it, the worse I got, and by the time he got out, I had worked myself into the pressure cooker symptom, which I still feel off and on now, complete with pounding headache, though some of that may have to do with my mouth issue, not entirely sure.
I did well too at his work, he actually had to go upstairs for a meeting and this time instead of getting scared about that, and or follow them, I decided to stay downstairs where it was more comfortable. I had no issues at all. Except that I was hungry. But that's nothing new.
And I did a drive sort of by myself. I drove the car and Matt followed on the motorcycle to the video store. It was night and I really wanted to rent a game, but just didn't feel comfortable enough to do so alone, so I cheated a bit and had him follow me. That doesn't mean I wasn't scared, I worried plenty about him not staying behind me, and us being separated somehow, etc. So I should get some points for that.
My main problem is that I don't feel like I have any purpose in life. No career, not even school, no family to take care of, nothing. There are things I could do, like clean the house, but for some reason I just can't muster up any enthusiasm for that like I used to. Same thing with art. Not sure why, but it's really fallen by the wayside. I'm just not getting excited thinking about it. It's like I've gotten too lazy for life. Not good. Especially since I like it, and there are plenty of things I would do, if it weren't for the Big A.
Part of this laziness and not doing anything besides making a crater to rival the Grand Canyon in the couch, is because of my tooth pain. This really is the best day I've had in a week and a half and I've spent most of it over the hill.
The other days, I'm doing all I can to function properly. Thinking straight isn't always an option, so I frequently find myself staring at my screen saver in a stupor while the minutes tick away. Pretty soon hours go by and I've gotten absolutely nowhere with the day. It's surprising how fast the time can go while you are in pain and waiting for relief. One would think it would be excruciatingly slow, but I've found it to be the complete opposite.
For instance it's not uncommon to find me in the wee hours of the morning rocking back in forth on the bed in tears, and staring out the window praying for a break in the throbbing. For all I can tell I've only been there a few minutes, so I'm very surprised when I look at the bedside clock, and find that an hour or more have gone by. I think I just zone out, it's really all I can do when it gets bad.
The pain itself might be more bearable if it would just stay where the problem actually lies, such as the rotten tooth, but no, it frequently travels into the back of my head, into my ear, all down my jaw, upon occasion, a quick jaunt into my eyeballs, and most recently, making cameo appearances in my sinuses. I've swallowed so many pills, I'm pretty sure my liver is making picket signs for the upcoming strike, and my stomach is threatening to bleed if I so much as sniff another Motrin. So yeah it's a little hard to get things done during the day.
Thank god today was better!
Luckily I've only had one major flare up today, and that was around 3 pm, so since about 4 I've been doing pretty darn good. Not sure why that is, but I promise I won't complain, because the pain I felt earlier was the worst ever. This may or may not have had anything to do with the fact that I tried treating the pain with vanilla extract, which is something I read on the internet and people swore by.
Well it numbed my mouth for about 3 1/2 seconds, and then the burn kicked in, and about 3/4 of the way home, the pain was so intense, I really thought for sure I would need medical intervention.
Somehow, I got the bad sharp stabby pains to go away through various remedies, and it has been gone almost completely since then. Maybe the vanilla did work after all. Who knows, it's quite possible some nerves were killed during that process of which I'm not entirely sad about. Needless to say, I probably won't do that again.
Now anxiety wise I've done okay too. Had a moment in Whole Foods while Matt was in the restroom, but it wasn't bad, and really it was mostly I kept thinking I would get scared, not that I actually was. But the more I thought about it, the worse I got, and by the time he got out, I had worked myself into the pressure cooker symptom, which I still feel off and on now, complete with pounding headache, though some of that may have to do with my mouth issue, not entirely sure.
I did well too at his work, he actually had to go upstairs for a meeting and this time instead of getting scared about that, and or follow them, I decided to stay downstairs where it was more comfortable. I had no issues at all. Except that I was hungry. But that's nothing new.
And I did a drive sort of by myself. I drove the car and Matt followed on the motorcycle to the video store. It was night and I really wanted to rent a game, but just didn't feel comfortable enough to do so alone, so I cheated a bit and had him follow me. That doesn't mean I wasn't scared, I worried plenty about him not staying behind me, and us being separated somehow, etc. So I should get some points for that.
My main problem is that I don't feel like I have any purpose in life. No career, not even school, no family to take care of, nothing. There are things I could do, like clean the house, but for some reason I just can't muster up any enthusiasm for that like I used to. Same thing with art. Not sure why, but it's really fallen by the wayside. I'm just not getting excited thinking about it. It's like I've gotten too lazy for life. Not good. Especially since I like it, and there are plenty of things I would do, if it weren't for the Big A.
Part of this laziness and not doing anything besides making a crater to rival the Grand Canyon in the couch, is because of my tooth pain. This really is the best day I've had in a week and a half and I've spent most of it over the hill.
The other days, I'm doing all I can to function properly. Thinking straight isn't always an option, so I frequently find myself staring at my screen saver in a stupor while the minutes tick away. Pretty soon hours go by and I've gotten absolutely nowhere with the day. It's surprising how fast the time can go while you are in pain and waiting for relief. One would think it would be excruciatingly slow, but I've found it to be the complete opposite.
For instance it's not uncommon to find me in the wee hours of the morning rocking back in forth on the bed in tears, and staring out the window praying for a break in the throbbing. For all I can tell I've only been there a few minutes, so I'm very surprised when I look at the bedside clock, and find that an hour or more have gone by. I think I just zone out, it's really all I can do when it gets bad.
The pain itself might be more bearable if it would just stay where the problem actually lies, such as the rotten tooth, but no, it frequently travels into the back of my head, into my ear, all down my jaw, upon occasion, a quick jaunt into my eyeballs, and most recently, making cameo appearances in my sinuses. I've swallowed so many pills, I'm pretty sure my liver is making picket signs for the upcoming strike, and my stomach is threatening to bleed if I so much as sniff another Motrin. So yeah it's a little hard to get things done during the day.
Thank god today was better!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Please excuse my absences I'm in pain
Oh geez. I didn't write last night, and I didn't even remember until I was already in bed, and by then I wasn't about to get up.
Basically yesterday I went to the tooth pulling dentist, and had a mini panic about sitting in his office and talking to him. Once I was freed, I was fine, but in there with the iv bag staring me in the face, it was hard not to feel a bit ill. But I survived and so did my tooth, as it looks like I'm getting a root canal. Which I'm extremely happy about. So now I'm off to yet another dentist for that. I sure am racking up a bunch of doctor points now.
Oh and yesterday Matt had a dentist appointment which I was more worried about as that meant I would be by myself and esentially trapped, especially since I couldn't go to my mom's because she was sick, and I couldn't call because she couldn't use her voice, or so Karl told me. So naturally I worried about not having a back up, but just as we got to the office, mom called and said if I needed I could call and she would come over. Feeew. That's all I needed to feel confident, and I did fine waiting for Matt to have his exam. No issues. I just read my book and played my game.
Now today I went to mom's so I didn't do much as far as challenges go except sitting in a restaurant for 2 hours for lunch. I have to say I've been doing really well symptom wise, and even when I get scared now, the symptoms aren't nearly as bad. Even at the dentist yesterday, I got up from the chair to go to the lobby, and started to feel that weird I'm walking in a fog thing, but it was mild and as soon as I got to the lobby I was totally fine. Normally I would have been worked up for hours afterwards. So just getting out of situations is actually starting to work for me again. My symptoms are milder and shorter, and I'm really liking that now.
Other than all that, I'm just dealing with my darn tooth, which is driving me nuts. Sometimes I'm totally fine and others I can't hardly stand the pain. Take this morning. Went to bed at 2:30 pain free. Up at 5:30 with a throbbing face. Took Tylonel nothing happened. Took another at 7:30, nothing. Kept getting up, would feel better, then lay down to go back to sleep and feel like shit. Finally around 8 I decided to eat, and lo and behold I felt better, and actually fell asleep again for another whole hour before the alarm went off. I could have cried.
Basically yesterday I went to the tooth pulling dentist, and had a mini panic about sitting in his office and talking to him. Once I was freed, I was fine, but in there with the iv bag staring me in the face, it was hard not to feel a bit ill. But I survived and so did my tooth, as it looks like I'm getting a root canal. Which I'm extremely happy about. So now I'm off to yet another dentist for that. I sure am racking up a bunch of doctor points now.
Oh and yesterday Matt had a dentist appointment which I was more worried about as that meant I would be by myself and esentially trapped, especially since I couldn't go to my mom's because she was sick, and I couldn't call because she couldn't use her voice, or so Karl told me. So naturally I worried about not having a back up, but just as we got to the office, mom called and said if I needed I could call and she would come over. Feeew. That's all I needed to feel confident, and I did fine waiting for Matt to have his exam. No issues. I just read my book and played my game.
Now today I went to mom's so I didn't do much as far as challenges go except sitting in a restaurant for 2 hours for lunch. I have to say I've been doing really well symptom wise, and even when I get scared now, the symptoms aren't nearly as bad. Even at the dentist yesterday, I got up from the chair to go to the lobby, and started to feel that weird I'm walking in a fog thing, but it was mild and as soon as I got to the lobby I was totally fine. Normally I would have been worked up for hours afterwards. So just getting out of situations is actually starting to work for me again. My symptoms are milder and shorter, and I'm really liking that now.
Other than all that, I'm just dealing with my darn tooth, which is driving me nuts. Sometimes I'm totally fine and others I can't hardly stand the pain. Take this morning. Went to bed at 2:30 pain free. Up at 5:30 with a throbbing face. Took Tylonel nothing happened. Took another at 7:30, nothing. Kept getting up, would feel better, then lay down to go back to sleep and feel like shit. Finally around 8 I decided to eat, and lo and behold I felt better, and actually fell asleep again for another whole hour before the alarm went off. I could have cried.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Update
eeek! I haven't written my blog in 2 days! The first day I forgot, then yesterday Matt absconded with computer last night, and took it completely apart trying to fix the screen issue, which took hours. By the time I got it back, unfixed, I wasn't up to it. It was close to 2 in the morning, I was in pain, from my tooth, and just trying to get comfortable enough to go to bed.
Today, I almost forgot again! But as I was doing my points just now, I realized I best be writing my posts.
Let's see, what happened today? Well to start with we went to San Francisco. This would have been a much more pleasurable experience, had we, one, not left too late, and two, had I not gotten the worst cramps complete with flooding, the minute we got into the city.
It was so bad, after about a half hour, I told Matt to turn around and go home. There was no way, I was going to be able to enjoy anything, sitting, standing, walking etc. I was so frustrated because we had finally made it out there, I wasn't having anxiety, and my tooth was actually behaving itself, so when the cramps started, It was the last straw. I mean it's like there is always something with me. I can't just feel good.
Just as we started getting close to the freeway, the cramps subsided a bit. So we turned around and went back. I really did not want to go home. I was totally looking forward to being in the city, and was really hoping to get some inspiration for art., since I've totally been unmotivated lately.
Unfortunately we wasted quite a bit of time getting across the city, three times, that by the time we made it to our first destination-the Squat and Gobble on Haight-it was nearly 4:30. Pooh. Plus, it gets dark at 5:30 and it's Sunday so things close early.
We never made it to any galleries or anything remotely art related, but we did have a good dinner/breakfast and found a few cool shops on the way back to the car, to get me stuff at. Not actually a problem on Haight though as there are tons of cool stores.
I did have some anxiety though. At first I was fine, but as we got to the restaurant, I got nervous, since we would be "trapped" waiting for our food, blah blah blah. Well I got through the restaurant bit pretty good, but afterwards while walking around, the nerves really hit. It was almost a repeat of the last time we were there, and I started to panic a bit, just trying to make our way through the crowds, and looking around tiny crowded stores. The last two we went to, I found cool stuff for me, and calmed down a bit, but was still nervous until the very end.
It all turned out good, and since it was kinda too late to do the stuff we wanted to do, we made our way home, which I'm proud to say the way there and back were very non issues for me. No anxiety at all!! That's progress, especially since we haven't been there in forever!
Oh yeah and yesterday was a good day too. I even let Matt get a hair cut while I waiting it the lobby area. I could still see him, wasn't really worried. I played my games and before I knew it he was done. Then we went to Bucca de Beppo, where I almost got nervous, but decided not too, we had a good time. I've been doing a lot better with my symptoms too. I feel the balance stuff come on here and there, but I'm trying extremely hard not to get worked up about it, and luckily they have been going away.
So tomorrow, Matt has a dentist appointment for a teeth cleaning and I am worried about that, because there he will be being worked on and if I panic we can't just leave. I'm really hoping my mom will be home, so I can just drive over there and wait til he's done, but she may not be. Then I have my consultation with the other dentist in the afternoon, and oddly I'm more nervous about Matt's appointment then mine. See I know I can leave when I want, and not only that he isn't doing anything but talking to me, so I'm not too scared of that. In fact I'm hoping to convince him to give me a root canal. I really don't want my tooth pulled, but I think I can handle a root canal.
Okay enough of that, my tooth is throbbing again, so I'm outta here. Ouch!
Update, I tried posting this last night (tonight), but blogger is not working.
Today, I almost forgot again! But as I was doing my points just now, I realized I best be writing my posts.
Let's see, what happened today? Well to start with we went to San Francisco. This would have been a much more pleasurable experience, had we, one, not left too late, and two, had I not gotten the worst cramps complete with flooding, the minute we got into the city.
It was so bad, after about a half hour, I told Matt to turn around and go home. There was no way, I was going to be able to enjoy anything, sitting, standing, walking etc. I was so frustrated because we had finally made it out there, I wasn't having anxiety, and my tooth was actually behaving itself, so when the cramps started, It was the last straw. I mean it's like there is always something with me. I can't just feel good.
Just as we started getting close to the freeway, the cramps subsided a bit. So we turned around and went back. I really did not want to go home. I was totally looking forward to being in the city, and was really hoping to get some inspiration for art., since I've totally been unmotivated lately.
Unfortunately we wasted quite a bit of time getting across the city, three times, that by the time we made it to our first destination-the Squat and Gobble on Haight-it was nearly 4:30. Pooh. Plus, it gets dark at 5:30 and it's Sunday so things close early.
We never made it to any galleries or anything remotely art related, but we did have a good dinner/breakfast and found a few cool shops on the way back to the car, to get me stuff at. Not actually a problem on Haight though as there are tons of cool stores.
I did have some anxiety though. At first I was fine, but as we got to the restaurant, I got nervous, since we would be "trapped" waiting for our food, blah blah blah. Well I got through the restaurant bit pretty good, but afterwards while walking around, the nerves really hit. It was almost a repeat of the last time we were there, and I started to panic a bit, just trying to make our way through the crowds, and looking around tiny crowded stores. The last two we went to, I found cool stuff for me, and calmed down a bit, but was still nervous until the very end.
It all turned out good, and since it was kinda too late to do the stuff we wanted to do, we made our way home, which I'm proud to say the way there and back were very non issues for me. No anxiety at all!! That's progress, especially since we haven't been there in forever!
Oh yeah and yesterday was a good day too. I even let Matt get a hair cut while I waiting it the lobby area. I could still see him, wasn't really worried. I played my games and before I knew it he was done. Then we went to Bucca de Beppo, where I almost got nervous, but decided not too, we had a good time. I've been doing a lot better with my symptoms too. I feel the balance stuff come on here and there, but I'm trying extremely hard not to get worked up about it, and luckily they have been going away.
So tomorrow, Matt has a dentist appointment for a teeth cleaning and I am worried about that, because there he will be being worked on and if I panic we can't just leave. I'm really hoping my mom will be home, so I can just drive over there and wait til he's done, but she may not be. Then I have my consultation with the other dentist in the afternoon, and oddly I'm more nervous about Matt's appointment then mine. See I know I can leave when I want, and not only that he isn't doing anything but talking to me, so I'm not too scared of that. In fact I'm hoping to convince him to give me a root canal. I really don't want my tooth pulled, but I think I can handle a root canal.
Okay enough of that, my tooth is throbbing again, so I'm outta here. Ouch!
Update, I tried posting this last night (tonight), but blogger is not working.
Friday, November 6, 2009
I did it!
I went to the dentist. The whole experience was totally painless, though I almost barfed on the the technician when she put one of the cardboard x-ray plates in my mouth. I gag brushing my teeth, so I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised when that happened.
Anyway, the experience was good. I was nervous, though not as bad as I was for the doctor. I told him right away I had bad anxiety and he couldn't have been nicer, though I can't say the same for his assistant. She seemed irritated, and did not give off an understanding air.
Anyhoo, the main thing is, I have to have my tooth extracted. Which I'm VERY nervous about. Also I am being referred out, since my dentist refuses to take my tooth out, because it is quite a bit decayed, and he just doesn't want to deal with that. Don't really blame him.
My consultation with the other dentist is Monday. I'm nervous, but I also know it's just an appointment to talk, so it shouldn't be too bad. The only problem is after that, I can't put off the actual procedure much longer. I am very scared of bad bacteria getting into my bloodstream and causing a ruckus. Which of course the dentist said could happen because germs are heading in there, but it is rare to have such a complication.
So at this point I'm pretty much in denial about getting my tooth pulled. I'm just going through the motions I have to for now, but I know I'm going to put the brakes on when the actual time comes. Honestly how the hell am I going to deal with that? Unless it's a very very quick procedure, I don't think I can. I mean I've been putting off getting my wisdom teeth out for 20 years!
Other than that, my day went by fine. I've been pretty pain free up until a couple hours ago, now I'm just trying to stay comfortable.
Anyway, the experience was good. I was nervous, though not as bad as I was for the doctor. I told him right away I had bad anxiety and he couldn't have been nicer, though I can't say the same for his assistant. She seemed irritated, and did not give off an understanding air.
Anyhoo, the main thing is, I have to have my tooth extracted. Which I'm VERY nervous about. Also I am being referred out, since my dentist refuses to take my tooth out, because it is quite a bit decayed, and he just doesn't want to deal with that. Don't really blame him.
My consultation with the other dentist is Monday. I'm nervous, but I also know it's just an appointment to talk, so it shouldn't be too bad. The only problem is after that, I can't put off the actual procedure much longer. I am very scared of bad bacteria getting into my bloodstream and causing a ruckus. Which of course the dentist said could happen because germs are heading in there, but it is rare to have such a complication.
So at this point I'm pretty much in denial about getting my tooth pulled. I'm just going through the motions I have to for now, but I know I'm going to put the brakes on when the actual time comes. Honestly how the hell am I going to deal with that? Unless it's a very very quick procedure, I don't think I can. I mean I've been putting off getting my wisdom teeth out for 20 years!
Other than that, my day went by fine. I've been pretty pain free up until a couple hours ago, now I'm just trying to stay comfortable.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I hope the dentist doesn't hurt tomorrow...
Well let's see, what have I done today? I woke up, and that was good. Then I went for my therapy sessions, which were good as well. In fact I got my rx for my head medicine, I haven't taken it yet, but I at least have the rx so I can get it filled whenever I want.
Oh and I made a dentist appointment today, which considering I can tell the temperature through my teeth, it's a good thing I'm going.
Part of my therapy talk was to get me back on track with all my duties, and my main task this week is to make sure I get a drive in everyday. So I started today and went for my drive while Matt was at work.
This was extra special because not only was it dark, but I went and got a milkshake!! Which means I went through the drive through by myself! True there was no one ahead of me, but still I did it, and even under those pristine conditions, I was still scared. Major bonus points for me. It didn't matter that the shake sent shooting pain into my eyeballs every time I took a sip, the point was I actually got it all by myself.
We just got home from Matt's work, and now I'm sitting here waiting for the pain meds to kick in, and then I will play my game and probably eat a little something. That's pretty much it.
Oh and I made a dentist appointment today, which considering I can tell the temperature through my teeth, it's a good thing I'm going.
Part of my therapy talk was to get me back on track with all my duties, and my main task this week is to make sure I get a drive in everyday. So I started today and went for my drive while Matt was at work.
This was extra special because not only was it dark, but I went and got a milkshake!! Which means I went through the drive through by myself! True there was no one ahead of me, but still I did it, and even under those pristine conditions, I was still scared. Major bonus points for me. It didn't matter that the shake sent shooting pain into my eyeballs every time I took a sip, the point was I actually got it all by myself.
We just got home from Matt's work, and now I'm sitting here waiting for the pain meds to kick in, and then I will play my game and probably eat a little something. That's pretty much it.
Owww!
I've done nothing today except play games and watch TV. I do not even feel guilty. I've had fun, and besides I have a good excuse. I'm in pain. My stomach is acting up again, which makes it hard to eat, and stand/walk. And if that weren't enough, I've had massive mouth pain, from what I can only assume is that broken tooth. Although the pain is on both the top and bottom, which makes no sense so it may be a wisdom tooth thing. Either way, it pounds, and it super painful to have hot and cold food/drinks.
Anxiety wise, I've done fine, even when I was feeling off balance earlier and last night even, I didn't worry. Symptom wise, I've been pretty darn good.
I just hope tomorrow is less painful.
Anxiety wise, I've done fine, even when I was feeling off balance earlier and last night even, I didn't worry. Symptom wise, I've been pretty darn good.
I just hope tomorrow is less painful.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Art Sunday
Well I pretty much did nothing today, except finish my mom's painting, which I worked on all day. In fact I just now finished.
Anxiety wise, I've been pretty darn good. I had some while talking to Matt's mom, not sure why that happened, but it did, and it went away after I got off the phone. Matt even was on the roof all day today, and at first I was nervous, but as I had to concentrate on my painting, I soon forgot to be scared.
So seriously that's really all I did. Oh yeah and watch the new Iron Chef shows.
That's all folks.
Anxiety wise, I've been pretty darn good. I had some while talking to Matt's mom, not sure why that happened, but it did, and it went away after I got off the phone. Matt even was on the roof all day today, and at first I was nervous, but as I had to concentrate on my painting, I soon forgot to be scared.
So seriously that's really all I did. Oh yeah and watch the new Iron Chef shows.
That's all folks.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Happy Halloween
Well I couldn't post earlier, because I was too busy watching the Food Network Challenge, but now Iron Chef America is on, and I've already seen it, so here I am.
First, I woke up fine. Actually I woke up about 80 times last night, and each time was fine. We've been sleeping on the couch again, as we seem to do every winter, and I think it's becoming hard for me to sleep. At first I'm super comfortable, but then I wake up in pain, from my leg, and it's really hard to get in a spot that doesn't cause pain. Actually this would probably happen in the bed too come to think of it. I just can't get that leg in a good position without it hurting.
Today wasn't anything special, even though it was Halloween, we did absolutely nothing for it, which I'm somewhat bummed about. It just came up so fast, and the weather has felt more like summer, that I haven't been in the Fall/Halloween mood, I mean I didn't even decorate! I feel like such a loser. Which is a whole nother issue, but we won't get into that.
What we did end up doing, was go over the hill to score some more firewood, which turned out to be a waste of time, which as we found out when we got home, the wood is still too wet to burn, and Matt couldn't chop a lot of it, so he was pretty bummed about that.
While he was outside struggling with the axe though I took that opportunity to take my daily drive to town. That is all I did really, I didn't stop anywhere, as I'm just trying to get used to driving without freaking out every single time.
My big fear now, is getting pulled over by the fuzz. I think I would seriously panic, because they looooove to keep you sitting there forever, and talk about feeling trapped! You can't just drive away from the police. The whole way to town, I was rehearsing my speech to the cop to please arrest me at home, so I don't panic. Somehow I don't think they will do that...
When I got back I started on dinner, and made a pretty good chicken curry. Which I was super surprised about. And, after dinner I thought we would head straight downstairs so I could work on my mom's painting, but we didn't. In fact we didn't get down there, til about 10, so I only had two hours to work before my show came on at midnight.
I'm done with it for the night, because I'm super frustrated (as usual). It sucks cause I'm working in a hurry to get it done by her birthday on Monday, and I'm having a hard time with color combos and placement. I should have just stuck with my regular collages, but no I had to go and try something new.
So I'm just waiting for a show to come on at 2, and trying not to eat a chocolate chip cookie, not an easy thing to do I assure you.
First, I woke up fine. Actually I woke up about 80 times last night, and each time was fine. We've been sleeping on the couch again, as we seem to do every winter, and I think it's becoming hard for me to sleep. At first I'm super comfortable, but then I wake up in pain, from my leg, and it's really hard to get in a spot that doesn't cause pain. Actually this would probably happen in the bed too come to think of it. I just can't get that leg in a good position without it hurting.
Today wasn't anything special, even though it was Halloween, we did absolutely nothing for it, which I'm somewhat bummed about. It just came up so fast, and the weather has felt more like summer, that I haven't been in the Fall/Halloween mood, I mean I didn't even decorate! I feel like such a loser. Which is a whole nother issue, but we won't get into that.
What we did end up doing, was go over the hill to score some more firewood, which turned out to be a waste of time, which as we found out when we got home, the wood is still too wet to burn, and Matt couldn't chop a lot of it, so he was pretty bummed about that.
While he was outside struggling with the axe though I took that opportunity to take my daily drive to town. That is all I did really, I didn't stop anywhere, as I'm just trying to get used to driving without freaking out every single time.
My big fear now, is getting pulled over by the fuzz. I think I would seriously panic, because they looooove to keep you sitting there forever, and talk about feeling trapped! You can't just drive away from the police. The whole way to town, I was rehearsing my speech to the cop to please arrest me at home, so I don't panic. Somehow I don't think they will do that...
When I got back I started on dinner, and made a pretty good chicken curry. Which I was super surprised about. And, after dinner I thought we would head straight downstairs so I could work on my mom's painting, but we didn't. In fact we didn't get down there, til about 10, so I only had two hours to work before my show came on at midnight.
I'm done with it for the night, because I'm super frustrated (as usual). It sucks cause I'm working in a hurry to get it done by her birthday on Monday, and I'm having a hard time with color combos and placement. I should have just stuck with my regular collages, but no I had to go and try something new.
So I'm just waiting for a show to come on at 2, and trying not to eat a chocolate chip cookie, not an easy thing to do I assure you.
Friday, October 30, 2009
TGIF
Okay so I'm writing this real quick before I have to watch the Food Network. Tonight I've been working on my mom's painting for her birthday on Monday. It's turning out pretty cool, and I'm really excited because it's that new technique I was doing yesterday. If this works out I'm going to do a bunch of them, and then submit them to the next gallery show.
Speaking of gallery shows, we went to the reception tonight for all of 10 minutes. There really isn't much to do unless you know someone well enough to chit chat with, which we don't. And no one there is looking at art, they are all gabbing and eating, so we deposited the cookies I made and left. It sort of feels like a waste of time, but I think it was good I at least participated.
The rest of the day wasn't too bad either. We had to go to Matt's work and to pick up some parts. I had some anxiety with that, because I was afraid they were going to go to the conference room upstairs and sure enough they did, but Matt said I could go too, so I did. Feew. I was actually doing fine, drawing my zen tangles, but when it was time to go I got up and man that stupid balance/pressure/dizziness thing hit me. After that I felt weird for about an hour or so, but it finally went away, and by the time we went to see Mr. Feathers at the park I was ok.
I was fine too at the gallery opening, though I never did have a conversation with anyone. Either way, I'm doing really well tonight. And it was very nice to sit and paint again. It really is kind of meditative.
Alright I'm starving as usual, and my show is about to start, so I'm off.
Speaking of gallery shows, we went to the reception tonight for all of 10 minutes. There really isn't much to do unless you know someone well enough to chit chat with, which we don't. And no one there is looking at art, they are all gabbing and eating, so we deposited the cookies I made and left. It sort of feels like a waste of time, but I think it was good I at least participated.
The rest of the day wasn't too bad either. We had to go to Matt's work and to pick up some parts. I had some anxiety with that, because I was afraid they were going to go to the conference room upstairs and sure enough they did, but Matt said I could go too, so I did. Feew. I was actually doing fine, drawing my zen tangles, but when it was time to go I got up and man that stupid balance/pressure/dizziness thing hit me. After that I felt weird for about an hour or so, but it finally went away, and by the time we went to see Mr. Feathers at the park I was ok.
I was fine too at the gallery opening, though I never did have a conversation with anyone. Either way, I'm doing really well tonight. And it was very nice to sit and paint again. It really is kind of meditative.
Alright I'm starving as usual, and my show is about to start, so I'm off.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The boat is rocking again
Well today was a much better day.
I was fairly productive, which I am surprised. Woke up good. Went for my drive after lunch. Was scared to pieces, until I got into town, and then I realized that it wasn't so bad after all. Ha. After my drive, I drove with Matt to the gallery to see my canvas, and yes indeed it was hanging! Oh joy. Though seeing everyone else's work (like always) makes me feel like an imposter artist. (The good news is, while there, I had no issues what so ever. Not even while talking to the gallery sitter. Then we went to the grocery store, and I was fine there too. Had to wait in line for a bit as well, and no issues at all. )
I really want to do other styles, as I have tons of interests. So tonight I have started to make a Zentangle, which is really really cool abstracty stuff. It's all about patterns and repeating them, and I never realized until now, how very Hundertwaser it was, which is a major bonus since I really like his work. I plan to transfer this drawing to canvas and then color it in. I'm pretty pleased with myself because I really like this process, and how it turned out. Now I can feel like a "real" artist. ( Just kidding).
But before I found Zentangles, Matt , Rico (neighborhood dog) and I went for a hike at the Scout Ranch as part of my homework. We climbed the hill to the part where it starts the other trail, this is where we always stop as I'm scared to continue because it starts making a loop, and once you start going too far, the exit is father and farther away. Next time we will go further though, so it should be interesting to see how long it takes us to do the whole loop. I would love to be able to hike again.
When we got home I started on dinner which was Split Pea soup and then I made chocolate chip cookies for the gallery reception tomorrow night. It was very nice being back in the kitchen and I cleaned and cooked and baked for several hours. I loved it, and I felt pretty good.
The weird stuff started when I finally sat down to read my magazine while the soup cooked the last 20 minutes. I started to feel the balance shit again, and now that dinner is done and I've been on the couch drawing, reading and watching t.v. I'm really feeling it hard. It's been pretty bad. It's like I feel realllllly heavy, and if I bob my head around or move it or any body part at all, I get the sensation that I'm swaying/rocking/off balance etc. really strong. I was actually getting sea sick for a bit while drawing but it went away.
Now the strange thing is this is coming and going. Mostly staying, but I can get into a sort of groove while drawing where I don't really feel it anymore. However, as soon as I shift around it comes back. Whatever. Not sure why that's happening, I really doubt it's anxiety as I'm having a really good day, and I wasn't worried about anything until this weirdness started. This is what I was talking about yesterday, nothing bad in my thoughts, no reason for anxiety issues...
So now I'm at the point where I'm hungry and ready to watch the Addams Family. I'm still feeling off balance wise, but I'm honestly trying so hard to ignore as best I can even if I do get sea sick.
Oh well, I hope it doesn't last too much longer....
I was fairly productive, which I am surprised. Woke up good. Went for my drive after lunch. Was scared to pieces, until I got into town, and then I realized that it wasn't so bad after all. Ha. After my drive, I drove with Matt to the gallery to see my canvas, and yes indeed it was hanging! Oh joy. Though seeing everyone else's work (like always) makes me feel like an imposter artist. (The good news is, while there, I had no issues what so ever. Not even while talking to the gallery sitter. Then we went to the grocery store, and I was fine there too. Had to wait in line for a bit as well, and no issues at all. )
I really want to do other styles, as I have tons of interests. So tonight I have started to make a Zentangle, which is really really cool abstracty stuff. It's all about patterns and repeating them, and I never realized until now, how very Hundertwaser it was, which is a major bonus since I really like his work. I plan to transfer this drawing to canvas and then color it in. I'm pretty pleased with myself because I really like this process, and how it turned out. Now I can feel like a "real" artist. ( Just kidding).
But before I found Zentangles, Matt , Rico (neighborhood dog) and I went for a hike at the Scout Ranch as part of my homework. We climbed the hill to the part where it starts the other trail, this is where we always stop as I'm scared to continue because it starts making a loop, and once you start going too far, the exit is father and farther away. Next time we will go further though, so it should be interesting to see how long it takes us to do the whole loop. I would love to be able to hike again.
When we got home I started on dinner which was Split Pea soup and then I made chocolate chip cookies for the gallery reception tomorrow night. It was very nice being back in the kitchen and I cleaned and cooked and baked for several hours. I loved it, and I felt pretty good.
The weird stuff started when I finally sat down to read my magazine while the soup cooked the last 20 minutes. I started to feel the balance shit again, and now that dinner is done and I've been on the couch drawing, reading and watching t.v. I'm really feeling it hard. It's been pretty bad. It's like I feel realllllly heavy, and if I bob my head around or move it or any body part at all, I get the sensation that I'm swaying/rocking/off balance etc. really strong. I was actually getting sea sick for a bit while drawing but it went away.
Now the strange thing is this is coming and going. Mostly staying, but I can get into a sort of groove while drawing where I don't really feel it anymore. However, as soon as I shift around it comes back. Whatever. Not sure why that's happening, I really doubt it's anxiety as I'm having a really good day, and I wasn't worried about anything until this weirdness started. This is what I was talking about yesterday, nothing bad in my thoughts, no reason for anxiety issues...
So now I'm at the point where I'm hungry and ready to watch the Addams Family. I'm still feeling off balance wise, but I'm honestly trying so hard to ignore as best I can even if I do get sea sick.
Oh well, I hope it doesn't last too much longer....
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
What the bloody hell?
I'm fed up! Just when I start to feel good about things, and think maybe there really is a way out of this anxiety shit, just when things are starting to look just the slightest bit normal.... yeah, I get hit with a tsunami of really bad symptoms.
I'm fed up with the lot of them.
I was doing pretty damn good today too, until we went to my mom's to pick up firewood. Well one thing led to another, and we stayed for dinner, which I was actually excited about as we were hungry, it's good food, and It's fun for me to be with my family especially since we don't get any visitors at our house.
Well things are moving along fine with dinner, but just when I stand up to put my dish in the sink.... tragedy happens. My balance is shot, I can hardly walk and when I do it's like I'm doing it through a huge fog. Even turning my head is hard. My reactions are shaky, and that weird dizzy but not dizzy sensation in my face (under eyes, cheeks and bridge of nose area) is going on. I mean really how do you get dizzy in your nose? Yet that is almost what the sensation feels like.
Okay, what the hell I want to know is why the fuck did that happen? Where was the reason? Yes it is important. I need to know why this is happening in times when I'm doing really well. Otherwise it just don't make sense. I mean how is it that certain distractions work, and keep anxiety away, yet when I'm enjoying myself, and totally not scared or thinking about anxiety it hits, and not just a little (i could sort of understand a little residual stuff), but a whole lot and severe symptoms too.
I mean really, I'm not anxious. I'm eating a good dinner with my family, in my very safest of places, and THAT shit happens??
The crazy thing is, these were exactly the feelings I anticipated at the doctors and they didn't happen, even though my anxiety was through the roof.
This? Right here? Is EXACTLY why I have a hard time believing these symptoms are anxiety.
How does that make any fucking sense? Cause I REALLY want to know.
I'm fed up with the lot of them.
I was doing pretty damn good today too, until we went to my mom's to pick up firewood. Well one thing led to another, and we stayed for dinner, which I was actually excited about as we were hungry, it's good food, and It's fun for me to be with my family especially since we don't get any visitors at our house.
Well things are moving along fine with dinner, but just when I stand up to put my dish in the sink.... tragedy happens. My balance is shot, I can hardly walk and when I do it's like I'm doing it through a huge fog. Even turning my head is hard. My reactions are shaky, and that weird dizzy but not dizzy sensation in my face (under eyes, cheeks and bridge of nose area) is going on. I mean really how do you get dizzy in your nose? Yet that is almost what the sensation feels like.
Okay, what the hell I want to know is why the fuck did that happen? Where was the reason? Yes it is important. I need to know why this is happening in times when I'm doing really well. Otherwise it just don't make sense. I mean how is it that certain distractions work, and keep anxiety away, yet when I'm enjoying myself, and totally not scared or thinking about anxiety it hits, and not just a little (i could sort of understand a little residual stuff), but a whole lot and severe symptoms too.
I mean really, I'm not anxious. I'm eating a good dinner with my family, in my very safest of places, and THAT shit happens??
The crazy thing is, these were exactly the feelings I anticipated at the doctors and they didn't happen, even though my anxiety was through the roof.
This? Right here? Is EXACTLY why I have a hard time believing these symptoms are anxiety.
How does that make any fucking sense? Cause I REALLY want to know.
Taco Tuesday
I am so pickin tired, that I'm going to make this as short as possible. I went to my mom's today for our Tuesday ritual, and had a really good time. I did very well symptom wise, and challenged myself several times during the day, and still my symptoms stayed pretty good.
I think I have some confidence from yesterday's debacle. So I went for a drive by myself on the real roads with cars and traffic lights, and then I went to Longs to do a return, but forgot to get the replacement item, so mom made me go back and get that. The first time I went was hard. I parked in the back and had to walk what felt like a mile, to the store all because I was afraid to travel the real streets because of traffic and not being able get around as quickly as possible.
When I got to the store, I got lucky and found a checker with no one in line. I was super nervous, and could not wait to get out. I didn't get to a really bad point like I sometimes do, but I certainly wasn't comfortable. Even walking back to the car I was still panicking somewhat.
When I had to go the second time, I took the real roads because I wanted to park in the lot this time, and oh my word it was so much easier. Even purchasing the item wasn't horrible, and I did the whole transaction with a somewhat calm interior. Very different from 5 minutes prior.
I was also left alone in Costco again. Mom wandered off, and down an isle while I had to wait in line. Now last time she did that, I thought I was going to collapse, so this time I was happy to find I did much much better.
In fact the whole day I felt pretty darn calm walking around and didn't have too much of an issue. I started feeling sensations here and there, but they didn't stay. I felt a lot more relaxed in the store situations than I have been lately.
Which is very very nice. It was a good day. Oh yeah and I pretty much woke up good too!
I think I have some confidence from yesterday's debacle. So I went for a drive by myself on the real roads with cars and traffic lights, and then I went to Longs to do a return, but forgot to get the replacement item, so mom made me go back and get that. The first time I went was hard. I parked in the back and had to walk what felt like a mile, to the store all because I was afraid to travel the real streets because of traffic and not being able get around as quickly as possible.
When I got to the store, I got lucky and found a checker with no one in line. I was super nervous, and could not wait to get out. I didn't get to a really bad point like I sometimes do, but I certainly wasn't comfortable. Even walking back to the car I was still panicking somewhat.
When I had to go the second time, I took the real roads because I wanted to park in the lot this time, and oh my word it was so much easier. Even purchasing the item wasn't horrible, and I did the whole transaction with a somewhat calm interior. Very different from 5 minutes prior.
I was also left alone in Costco again. Mom wandered off, and down an isle while I had to wait in line. Now last time she did that, I thought I was going to collapse, so this time I was happy to find I did much much better.
In fact the whole day I felt pretty darn calm walking around and didn't have too much of an issue. I started feeling sensations here and there, but they didn't stay. I felt a lot more relaxed in the store situations than I have been lately.
Which is very very nice. It was a good day. Oh yeah and I pretty much woke up good too!
Monday, October 26, 2009
I can relax now
Well my day is going much nicer after now. I worried and fretted all last night, and half today about my doctor appointment. I didn't think I would even get to the appointment, but my mom made sure that I did. I really had to take everything in baby steps. Like just getting over the hill to meet my mom, then getting in the car to drive to the office, then getting up the stairs and in the door, etc. It helped but I was still petrified.
When I got there, I seriously thought I wouldn't be able to make it. Truly I was going to walk out, I was shaking so hard, and my heart rate was 121!!! Not good. I felt like crap, and the stupid thing is, I'm not afraid of the doctor or the procedures, and the even stupider part is, I know exactly how the exam will go, as I do it every year, and that it takes maybe 10-15 minutes. Tops. And of course, except the anxiety symptoms that kicked in the second I was escorted to the room, the visit was fine.
Ugh! I'm so glad it's over, because it's been playing with my emotions this past week. Of course I feel better, but I did have residual effects for hours and even now at times afterwards. I really need to get control of this anxiety. It's pretty darn ridiculous.
When I got there, I seriously thought I wouldn't be able to make it. Truly I was going to walk out, I was shaking so hard, and my heart rate was 121!!! Not good. I felt like crap, and the stupid thing is, I'm not afraid of the doctor or the procedures, and the even stupider part is, I know exactly how the exam will go, as I do it every year, and that it takes maybe 10-15 minutes. Tops. And of course, except the anxiety symptoms that kicked in the second I was escorted to the room, the visit was fine.
Ugh! I'm so glad it's over, because it's been playing with my emotions this past week. Of course I feel better, but I did have residual effects for hours and even now at times afterwards. I really need to get control of this anxiety. It's pretty darn ridiculous.
Sunday musings
I know I'm slacking with the posts lately, but the truth is, I'm getting tired of doing the blog. I totally figured this would happen, as it does with everything I do, but I am surprised I kept it up as long as I did without faltering. So that's a plus.
Obviously I need to keep up with the posts, so I will definitely make a habit of doing so, I just hope I don't stop.
Now today has been interesting. It started off excellent. I woke up feeling really well. The morning was fine, but just as I was getting ready to take my piece to the gallery and after eating a huge wrap, I started having issues.
I suspect it was that I was so stuffed from lunch, I was having some trouble breathing, that always leads to panicky feelings and sure enough as we walk out the door the other symptoms start.
I tried to ignore it as best I could, because I knew once at the gallery I would be stuck filling out forms and talking to people, and I didn't want to panic.
Which is unfortunately what I did, I was actually thinking of how I could flee the place without looking stupid, but all of a sudden a calmness came over me, and I did fine the rest of the time.
However once I got home I was still feeling a little off, I played my game for a bit to try to calm down, which worked enough to allow me to read for a bit. Then I got tired and took a nap. Which turned out ok. I woke up fine, and was doing good, and even excited when I found the Iron Chef was starting tonight at 7.
For some odd reason ever since I started watching TV I've been having so many symptoms. First the pressure cooker, and then the weird I'm falling/can't walk/heavy feeling. It's driving me bananas, and I can't just shrug it off like I was able to with my issues yesterday.
It may be because I'm really dreading my doctor appointment tomorrow. I'm so scared about being trapped, and yes I really will be because I am actually being examined, unlike many of my other appointments where I just talk to them.
Anyway we will see how tomorrow and the rest of the night goes.
Obviously I need to keep up with the posts, so I will definitely make a habit of doing so, I just hope I don't stop.
Now today has been interesting. It started off excellent. I woke up feeling really well. The morning was fine, but just as I was getting ready to take my piece to the gallery and after eating a huge wrap, I started having issues.
I suspect it was that I was so stuffed from lunch, I was having some trouble breathing, that always leads to panicky feelings and sure enough as we walk out the door the other symptoms start.
I tried to ignore it as best I could, because I knew once at the gallery I would be stuck filling out forms and talking to people, and I didn't want to panic.
Which is unfortunately what I did, I was actually thinking of how I could flee the place without looking stupid, but all of a sudden a calmness came over me, and I did fine the rest of the time.
However once I got home I was still feeling a little off, I played my game for a bit to try to calm down, which worked enough to allow me to read for a bit. Then I got tired and took a nap. Which turned out ok. I woke up fine, and was doing good, and even excited when I found the Iron Chef was starting tonight at 7.
For some odd reason ever since I started watching TV I've been having so many symptoms. First the pressure cooker, and then the weird I'm falling/can't walk/heavy feeling. It's driving me bananas, and I can't just shrug it off like I was able to with my issues yesterday.
It may be because I'm really dreading my doctor appointment tomorrow. I'm so scared about being trapped, and yes I really will be because I am actually being examined, unlike many of my other appointments where I just talk to them.
Anyway we will see how tomorrow and the rest of the night goes.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
So I almost forgot to post
So today not much has happened except I finally finished my collage for the gallery show tomorrow. feew!
It's weird now that it's done, I feel like I have nothing to do, and feel a little restless, even though I was really looking forward to being able to sit and read, which I did for a few hours, but gave it up to watch the Iron Chef.
So I woke up sort of not good. It didn't last long, but my balance did seem comprimised at first. I've also been struggling all day, with strange sensations, (balance mostly), but I've been doing my best to ignore them, and I do notice that when I get truly busy with something such as sweeping the deck or doing the dishes, that I feel alright.
That's really my day, not too much to report. Tomorrow I will turn in my piece to the gallery, and Monday I have to go to the doctor, which I'm already hesitant about, but my mom and Matt will both escort me to make sure I go. So that should be interesting.
It's weird now that it's done, I feel like I have nothing to do, and feel a little restless, even though I was really looking forward to being able to sit and read, which I did for a few hours, but gave it up to watch the Iron Chef.
So I woke up sort of not good. It didn't last long, but my balance did seem comprimised at first. I've also been struggling all day, with strange sensations, (balance mostly), but I've been doing my best to ignore them, and I do notice that when I get truly busy with something such as sweeping the deck or doing the dishes, that I feel alright.
That's really my day, not too much to report. Tomorrow I will turn in my piece to the gallery, and Monday I have to go to the doctor, which I'm already hesitant about, but my mom and Matt will both escort me to make sure I go. So that should be interesting.
Not much to report
Well I haven't posted in a few days, but it's not entirely my fault. Blogger was down when I tried blogging last night, so I didn't pursue it.
I have been very very busy with my collage today and last night. There really isn't much to report except to say that yesterday I had an anxiety free day we even went to the grocery store, and I was fine and had to wait in a terribly long line. Whoo hoo! And today was pretty much the same, even though we went to several stores in South San Jose, and had to wait in very very very long lines.
And the cool thing was I did very well in the lines, I had no issue at all.
I don't have a whole lot of time tonight, as I'm still working on my piece which needs to be basically done tonight so it will dry in time for Sunday's submission. so the only thing that is really bothering me today and now, is that I am somewhat sort of dizzy. It's not completely dizzy, but totally on the verge, and that is bothering me, but other than that, I'm fine.
So with that, I really need to go, as it is late, and I'm tired, and I can not wait til that darn collage is done.
I have been very very busy with my collage today and last night. There really isn't much to report except to say that yesterday I had an anxiety free day we even went to the grocery store, and I was fine and had to wait in a terribly long line. Whoo hoo! And today was pretty much the same, even though we went to several stores in South San Jose, and had to wait in very very very long lines.
And the cool thing was I did very well in the lines, I had no issue at all.
I don't have a whole lot of time tonight, as I'm still working on my piece which needs to be basically done tonight so it will dry in time for Sunday's submission. so the only thing that is really bothering me today and now, is that I am somewhat sort of dizzy. It's not completely dizzy, but totally on the verge, and that is bothering me, but other than that, I'm fine.
So with that, I really need to go, as it is late, and I'm tired, and I can not wait til that darn collage is done.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Good day
Yea, I finally had a good day most of the day. I woke up good again, and went to my mom's. I was nervous on the ride down a bit, as we got stuck in road work traffic on 17, but it really wasn't bad, and we never stopped moving.
When I got to my mom's I was fine, but then we drove to Costco and on the way there, I was getting nervous, I had a really hard time for the first bit of the store, but I did wander on my own, while my mom waited in the return line. I was super scared at first and started to have the balance/head issues, but then as we shopped, I was felt normal again.
After that we went to my brothers school to pick him up, and for some reason, I was having a horrible time with balance while sitting in the car, every movement made me sick to my stomach. This lasted til we went and fed the rooster, and at the park I was feeling not so hot (plus I started getting nervous), but then it sort of went away, and by the time we got home I seemed to be fine.
I even went to a store on my own today, I drove over the scrapbook store near my parents house and stayed there for 30 minutes!! Crazy. I was scared, but I did it.
I just got home now, and I'm doing fine. Feeew. I just need to eat and watch tv and all will be well.
When I got to my mom's I was fine, but then we drove to Costco and on the way there, I was getting nervous, I had a really hard time for the first bit of the store, but I did wander on my own, while my mom waited in the return line. I was super scared at first and started to have the balance/head issues, but then as we shopped, I was felt normal again.
After that we went to my brothers school to pick him up, and for some reason, I was having a horrible time with balance while sitting in the car, every movement made me sick to my stomach. This lasted til we went and fed the rooster, and at the park I was feeling not so hot (plus I started getting nervous), but then it sort of went away, and by the time we got home I seemed to be fine.
I even went to a store on my own today, I drove over the scrapbook store near my parents house and stayed there for 30 minutes!! Crazy. I was scared, but I did it.
I just got home now, and I'm doing fine. Feeew. I just need to eat and watch tv and all will be well.
Boring!
So today was a bit boring seeing as we never left the house. Oh wait, yes we did to go to the store, and I had mild anxiety there, but certainly not enough to write about.
The main thing that happened was I had to cancel my doctors appointment tomorrow because I had worked myself into a frenzy today. I could not concentrate or relax due to nerves, so I thought it best to reschedule for next week after I have more therapy. The really stupid thing is I like this doctor, and I am not afraid at all of him nor the procedures he does, but I couldn't get over my fear of being trapped.
The rest of the day, went by in a somewhat boring blur. I did work on my collage though, and am almost done. I just have to add embellishments and then it will be finished.
I also had moments of anxiety, most extremely while reading the end of my book on Katherine Howard (this happens every time I read this story), somehow the fact that she gets beheaded always evokes extreme anxiety in me, and while anticipating my doctors appointment.
Other than that the anxiety was here and there and bothersome, but not really keeping me from doing anything (well except everything I'm scared of).
I really really need to keep to some kind of schedule, because If I allow myself to float around aimlessly throughout the day, I get absolutely nothing done, then I get irritated and depressed, because I wasted yet another day.
Seriously I need to work on this. Luckily I have this project to get done for the gallery, but after that?...
The main thing that happened was I had to cancel my doctors appointment tomorrow because I had worked myself into a frenzy today. I could not concentrate or relax due to nerves, so I thought it best to reschedule for next week after I have more therapy. The really stupid thing is I like this doctor, and I am not afraid at all of him nor the procedures he does, but I couldn't get over my fear of being trapped.
The rest of the day, went by in a somewhat boring blur. I did work on my collage though, and am almost done. I just have to add embellishments and then it will be finished.
I also had moments of anxiety, most extremely while reading the end of my book on Katherine Howard (this happens every time I read this story), somehow the fact that she gets beheaded always evokes extreme anxiety in me, and while anticipating my doctors appointment.
Other than that the anxiety was here and there and bothersome, but not really keeping me from doing anything (well except everything I'm scared of).
I really really need to keep to some kind of schedule, because If I allow myself to float around aimlessly throughout the day, I get absolutely nothing done, then I get irritated and depressed, because I wasted yet another day.
Seriously I need to work on this. Luckily I have this project to get done for the gallery, but after that?...
Monday, October 19, 2009
It's been a rough 2 two days
I know I didn't post yesterday. I actually thought of it, and then decided I didn't feel like it, which is usually how I start slacking on things, and then I never finish them. I don't know what came over me, but it probably didn't help that I had a very emotional night and just didn't have the energy to write afterwards.
It should have been a good day, and actually the day itself was fine. I woke up feeling good, we went to the gallery to work for 3 hours, I felt odd there, and had a hard time walking etc, but I think I was just nervous, having to deal with people, and being in a place where I am responsible.
Right before we closed my family came up to look at my art on display, then we all went to dinner at the German restaurant for the Octoberfest. This should have been a great time. However, I was dealing with anxiety at having to sit in a very crowded restaurant for two hours, and then my low self esteem/body image issues flared up again, which really fucked up the rest of the night.
Matt and I ended up talking for hours, because I could not get out of that funk. Finally I did, but it was a loooooong and emotional night.
So that brings us to today. I woke up feeling wonderful, and felt great for the whole morning. I started right away on my collage for the show, and everything was fine. Then something strange happened.
I was working on my piece, when I started feeling off. My balance was strange, and I was having those weird feelings in my head/face. Kinda vibrating/shaky feelings. I tried to brush it off, as being tired, and standing too long, but it persisted. So I went and played my game for a bit, and felt a little better. I went back to the art, and was feeling pretty good, but then we took the cat for a walk, and that's when things got bad.
For some reason, I really started to feel as if I couldn't handle my sensations. It was like I was having extreme anxiety symptoms, with no real anxiety. Up until it first hit, I was feeling fine, and totally thinking about my art. I admit, I had been extremely frustrated, earlier because I was dealing with photoshop and my computer crashing etc, but I had gotten over that, so that shouldn't have been the issue.
Anyway by the time we got home it was almost dark, and as I was walking up the steps, I really started to think, if something happened, where I had to be brave, I would not be able to deal with it, I didn't feel I was physically capable. I really can't describe how I felt, but it was strong. I've been this way before, but usually in scary situations. Such as feeling really trapped.
I came inside, and played my game for a long time which really helped, had dinner, and then started reading my anxiety workbook, because I was still a little nervous. After that, I felt fine, and started working on my art again. I got a lot done today, so I feel good about that.
I feel pretty good now, except for being starving. Which means I'm signing off now, so I can eat.
It should have been a good day, and actually the day itself was fine. I woke up feeling good, we went to the gallery to work for 3 hours, I felt odd there, and had a hard time walking etc, but I think I was just nervous, having to deal with people, and being in a place where I am responsible.
Right before we closed my family came up to look at my art on display, then we all went to dinner at the German restaurant for the Octoberfest. This should have been a great time. However, I was dealing with anxiety at having to sit in a very crowded restaurant for two hours, and then my low self esteem/body image issues flared up again, which really fucked up the rest of the night.
Matt and I ended up talking for hours, because I could not get out of that funk. Finally I did, but it was a loooooong and emotional night.
So that brings us to today. I woke up feeling wonderful, and felt great for the whole morning. I started right away on my collage for the show, and everything was fine. Then something strange happened.
I was working on my piece, when I started feeling off. My balance was strange, and I was having those weird feelings in my head/face. Kinda vibrating/shaky feelings. I tried to brush it off, as being tired, and standing too long, but it persisted. So I went and played my game for a bit, and felt a little better. I went back to the art, and was feeling pretty good, but then we took the cat for a walk, and that's when things got bad.
For some reason, I really started to feel as if I couldn't handle my sensations. It was like I was having extreme anxiety symptoms, with no real anxiety. Up until it first hit, I was feeling fine, and totally thinking about my art. I admit, I had been extremely frustrated, earlier because I was dealing with photoshop and my computer crashing etc, but I had gotten over that, so that shouldn't have been the issue.
Anyway by the time we got home it was almost dark, and as I was walking up the steps, I really started to think, if something happened, where I had to be brave, I would not be able to deal with it, I didn't feel I was physically capable. I really can't describe how I felt, but it was strong. I've been this way before, but usually in scary situations. Such as feeling really trapped.
I came inside, and played my game for a long time which really helped, had dinner, and then started reading my anxiety workbook, because I was still a little nervous. After that, I felt fine, and started working on my art again. I got a lot done today, so I feel good about that.
I feel pretty good now, except for being starving. Which means I'm signing off now, so I can eat.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Oh boy
Today was terrible anxiety wise. It started while getting ready to go over the hill this morning. First I thought I couldn't breathe, then the balance stuff started. I felt a little better while driving over, but when we got to the park to feed the rooster, I noticed I was still kinda bad.
We had to go to Matt's work, and I was pretty nervous about that, since I was feeling weird, but I did okay there, especially since I had my milkshake and nintendo to play. Totally helped and I was fine, while there.
After we left we were off to meet my step mom who is in town on business for dinner. Well I was sort of apprehensive seeing as she and my dad know nothing about my anxiety issues, so I was sort of worried how I would react, since escaping if need be would be really hard.
When we got to the hotel, the balance shit kicked in real quick just getting out of the car, but then once we got going and visiting I did fine. At the burrito place I was good. No issues. But, then we got back to the hotel to eat our food, and holy moley, shit hit the fan.
I felt like I was constantly swaying in my chair, my eyes were playing tricks on me in the dark, and sometimes it would look like the world was moving around me, and other times it seemed it was coming at me. Needless to say, sitting in the chair at the table was horrible! I was BAD, like I really thought I would fall, I was crazy unsteady, and of course I worried about that constantly.
I couldn't say anything either, and that made it worse. By the time we left though I had calmed down a bit, but man it sure was a tricky evening. I'm still recuperating, and in fact had to play my game when I got home. I've got a horrible headache now, and just need to relax. That took so much out of me, and it's a shame, because it was a nice visit, and it's always fun. I'm bummed the anxiety hit so bad, but then again it was that kind of day today.
I sure hope tomorrow is better, because we need to work in the gallery and then my family is coming up for dinner at the German restaurant, oh boy not sure how that will be. Last time it was a nightmare.
We had to go to Matt's work, and I was pretty nervous about that, since I was feeling weird, but I did okay there, especially since I had my milkshake and nintendo to play. Totally helped and I was fine, while there.
After we left we were off to meet my step mom who is in town on business for dinner. Well I was sort of apprehensive seeing as she and my dad know nothing about my anxiety issues, so I was sort of worried how I would react, since escaping if need be would be really hard.
When we got to the hotel, the balance shit kicked in real quick just getting out of the car, but then once we got going and visiting I did fine. At the burrito place I was good. No issues. But, then we got back to the hotel to eat our food, and holy moley, shit hit the fan.
I felt like I was constantly swaying in my chair, my eyes were playing tricks on me in the dark, and sometimes it would look like the world was moving around me, and other times it seemed it was coming at me. Needless to say, sitting in the chair at the table was horrible! I was BAD, like I really thought I would fall, I was crazy unsteady, and of course I worried about that constantly.
I couldn't say anything either, and that made it worse. By the time we left though I had calmed down a bit, but man it sure was a tricky evening. I'm still recuperating, and in fact had to play my game when I got home. I've got a horrible headache now, and just need to relax. That took so much out of me, and it's a shame, because it was a nice visit, and it's always fun. I'm bummed the anxiety hit so bad, but then again it was that kind of day today.
I sure hope tomorrow is better, because we need to work in the gallery and then my family is coming up for dinner at the German restaurant, oh boy not sure how that will be. Last time it was a nightmare.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
It's hard to think of titles that apply to your day sometimes
Not much happened today. I woke up with an anxiety attack, dreaming that I was stuck in an elevator without food or my Nintendo DS, very very scary.
I had good intentions today, but my main problem was I went to bed at 4 am, so when I woke up in terror at 10:30, I was still very tired. Unfortunately I was unable to fall back asleep due to issues with the cats, so I tried to wake up, and go about my day. It just didn't work, I was so tired I couldn't really concentrate, so finally at 3 I gave in and took a nap.
I woke up at 4:30 with another panic attack. This time my heart was beating outside my chest. I decided to just get up then and thankfully I was feeling much better once my heart resumed beating normally.
I finally set about to start my painting, and it was then that Matt suggested taking Monkey for a walk. So we did, as I really wanted to get out of the house for a bit. When we got back, I started in on my canvas. I worked for a couple hours, but standing that long is hard on my back so I went and did the dishes. I know that makes no sense, as I had to stand for that too, but I wanted to get them done so badly so I could relax.
I finally collapsed on the couch with book in hand around 9:30, and have been reading ever since. That's pretty much my day, other than I did various loads of laundry also.
For the most part, I have been pretty good anxiety wise. Before my nap, I felt strange, but I"m almost positive that is due to lack of sleep. Especially since I feel fine now, and have been since I woke up. I do occasionally feel off balance or maybe even sort of sick to my stomach a bit, but it doesn't seem to last long, and I wonder how much of that is really real.
So besides the anxiety attacks in my sleep, twice -which is a little odd come to think of it-I have done very well physically. Now if I could stop feeling guilty for not doing things sooner, and needing to get more accomplished with my day, that would be great.
I had good intentions today, but my main problem was I went to bed at 4 am, so when I woke up in terror at 10:30, I was still very tired. Unfortunately I was unable to fall back asleep due to issues with the cats, so I tried to wake up, and go about my day. It just didn't work, I was so tired I couldn't really concentrate, so finally at 3 I gave in and took a nap.
I woke up at 4:30 with another panic attack. This time my heart was beating outside my chest. I decided to just get up then and thankfully I was feeling much better once my heart resumed beating normally.
I finally set about to start my painting, and it was then that Matt suggested taking Monkey for a walk. So we did, as I really wanted to get out of the house for a bit. When we got back, I started in on my canvas. I worked for a couple hours, but standing that long is hard on my back so I went and did the dishes. I know that makes no sense, as I had to stand for that too, but I wanted to get them done so badly so I could relax.
I finally collapsed on the couch with book in hand around 9:30, and have been reading ever since. That's pretty much my day, other than I did various loads of laundry also.
For the most part, I have been pretty good anxiety wise. Before my nap, I felt strange, but I"m almost positive that is due to lack of sleep. Especially since I feel fine now, and have been since I woke up. I do occasionally feel off balance or maybe even sort of sick to my stomach a bit, but it doesn't seem to last long, and I wonder how much of that is really real.
So besides the anxiety attacks in my sleep, twice -which is a little odd come to think of it-I have done very well physically. Now if I could stop feeling guilty for not doing things sooner, and needing to get more accomplished with my day, that would be great.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Some serious late night ramblings.
Ack! I fully meant to paint tonight. I was inspired and ready to finally start my project for the gallery show, then I accidentally found the artist Gustav Klimt while searching for collage images, and whoopsie daisy, hours have gone by and I'm still looking at his stuff and reading about him. Very cool artist.
So now I still want to paint but it's like midnight and I'm crazy tired, and don't think I should start such a big project right now. I will do it tomorrow though, and I want to read some more of that anxiety workbook. Specifically the part on nutrition, because I know without a doubt I could benefit from changing my diet. Besides, a lot of my weird feelings come after eating, so it is possible there is something I'm eating that makes me feel kinda funky, and then I go and create a big panic over the sensations etc. I also want to read the self esteem part, because I have a very strong feeling if I can get more of that, I may feel more able to tackle more of my problems.
I'm learning through therapy and the book, that I have perfectionist tendencies, which of course I never would have guessed, as I see perfectionists as ones having incredible attention to detail, and wanting things to be just so. Perfectly. Which isn't me at all, as I constantly miss details and get impatient when needing to spend time with them.
But, apparently my image of a perfectionist isn't always the case. Some are like me, who never feel they are good enough, and constantly strive for approval. Bingo!! That sums up a huge part of my life right there. Always trying to win the approval of my mom. And I have never felt like I was a good enough child/daughter to her.
I specifically remember before my brother was born, thinking and saying, that I hope he turns out to be the child they wanted. And of course he is. Perfectly. I don't feel any anomosity about that fact. I'm proud of all his accomplishments and glad he is a good, and studious kid. I wish him well, and know he will be a very successful person.
And, I wish I was like that at his age, but my times were different, and perhaps it is coming from a broken marriage and/or having parents that were way to young to be having kids, that I didn't turn out exactly as any of us planned/hoped. Including myself.
Now, however, I'm older and married. I get along with my mom very well, and she is finally starting to accept me. Funny though, her attitude change tremendously towards me after I got hitched. Not sure if that was a coincedince or not, but I'm certainly not complaining.
Still, even though I'm married, and an adult by all intents and purposes, I'm trying to find acceptance, and be good enough for my husband (as well as my mom). I suppose he did accept me, since he married me, but then again, he knew nothing about the anxiety, as it didn't show up until after the ceremony. The main thing is, I can not forget some things that were said in the beginning of our relationship.
There was a time right before we took our first vacation, that I sensed something wasn't quite right. Mind you we had only been going out for a month, so what I'm about to say may seem silly. But, I finally got out of him what was bothering him, and he told me that he, "wasn't sure if I was the one"
Now my first thought was, fantastic. Just what I want to hear. Could he have not kept that to himself, or more importantly sugar coated it a little? But I did ask, so I guess I had that coming to me (but I certainly didn't think I would hear that!). After the initial hurt, I started to think, 'well who the fuck knows if someone is the one after going out for a freaking month.'
Apparently he had some fantasy in his head about his ideal girl, and how she would be, and I wasn't that way. There is something to be said for being too honest. At least so soon in the relationship, because obviously as was in our case, things worked out for the better, so I really did not need to have that information entered into my memory banks. I cannot get it out, no matter how hard I try.
After that, I have to admit, the prospect of going on a two week vacation with someone who thought this way about me, didn't appeal so much anymore.
Then, there was the time, after two weeks of dating that he let loose the information (loose lips sink ships remember) that I was not his physical type. This time I promise you I did not ask for this little tid bit.
Since our relationship was so new, I blew it off at the time, but now? And in the months leading up to our marriage? I thought about it a lot. Let me tell you. I cannot get rid of the thought that he settled for me. This theory is fully backed by how he got together with his ex girlfriend. Out of guilt btw.
So now I wonder if because he was getting older, and hadn't been in a relationship for several years, maybe he even thought he wouldn't find someone else,- did he pop the question out of pressure, guilt, or just because some nice girl came along and since he hadn't found anything better, thought he would settle for me?
Though for the record, I never once asked him about marriage so he should not have felt pressured, though he say he did a little. I always let him instigate the topic, because I knew I found a good thing, and I wasn't about to scare it away by mentioning the dreaded M word.
Then there is the issue of body image. My image specifically. I have always been down on how I looked, but this was brought out big time when we met. First because his bedroom was like a shrine to female body. Every available space was covered in pictures, figurines, whatever of women. And none of them looked like me. To add to that, he is an excellent drawer/artist. His subject matter? Girls of course. All drawn with figures that look nothing like me.
This is what I have to compete with. My thought process go like this... his taste in women is obvious based on the images plastered all over the house, and the subject matter he draws. If he was drawn to overweight women (like myself), he would have pictures, and artwork to display such feelings. You create what you like and you display what you like. It makes no sense to display things which do not have any appeal.
In general, I feel that guys are attracted to the "ideal body" that society portrays everywhere. (that a fucking lot-this is a huge pet peeve of mine btw). But in real life most women, (though I am noticing an alarming trend in very skinny girls, with less clothes than usual parading around-and very very young ones at that, hello? This is how pedephiles get their start I'm sure. In fact I'm actually starting to wonder if there is a new "supermodel" breed because everywhere I look I see young tall toothpicks with perfect hair, clothes and features I suppose the men of their generation will be most pleased.) do not look like that (at least in my generation or at least not without lots of money and surgical intervention).
So guess what? They have to settle with ones they find nice and get along with, and at least a little bit attractive. But they are nowhere near what they would really want physically. Unless they have money, then their women can be sent in for annual maintenance and paint jobs so they look how the men want them to. I don't know why, but I'm thinking of the Stepford Wives for some reason.
Anyway, my long winded point is, it's a little hard to feel good about oneself when you have the competition staring you in the face everywhere you look. This is how I feel about my relationship with my husband. Pretty shitty huh?
I do feel he genuinly likes me, and loves me and sees good things in me, but I cannot buy no matter what he says now, that he is actually physically attracted to me.
Besides the stupid words he said in those first two weeks. I am not blind. I see what I look like in the mirror, as much as I try to avoid looking, that piece of glass does not lie, and I know what you see isn't a good thing.
What the hell, I so didn't mean to go off on this tangent tonight. In fact I wasn't really thinking about it, so I'm not really sure where this came from. At first I didn't want to openly share this information, but since it's Obviously it's a big issue with me, and this is my blog about anxieties and my life, well why the hell not right?
See what I mean? It's obvious I need help with self esteem.
So now I still want to paint but it's like midnight and I'm crazy tired, and don't think I should start such a big project right now. I will do it tomorrow though, and I want to read some more of that anxiety workbook. Specifically the part on nutrition, because I know without a doubt I could benefit from changing my diet. Besides, a lot of my weird feelings come after eating, so it is possible there is something I'm eating that makes me feel kinda funky, and then I go and create a big panic over the sensations etc. I also want to read the self esteem part, because I have a very strong feeling if I can get more of that, I may feel more able to tackle more of my problems.
I'm learning through therapy and the book, that I have perfectionist tendencies, which of course I never would have guessed, as I see perfectionists as ones having incredible attention to detail, and wanting things to be just so. Perfectly. Which isn't me at all, as I constantly miss details and get impatient when needing to spend time with them.
But, apparently my image of a perfectionist isn't always the case. Some are like me, who never feel they are good enough, and constantly strive for approval. Bingo!! That sums up a huge part of my life right there. Always trying to win the approval of my mom. And I have never felt like I was a good enough child/daughter to her.
I specifically remember before my brother was born, thinking and saying, that I hope he turns out to be the child they wanted. And of course he is. Perfectly. I don't feel any anomosity about that fact. I'm proud of all his accomplishments and glad he is a good, and studious kid. I wish him well, and know he will be a very successful person.
And, I wish I was like that at his age, but my times were different, and perhaps it is coming from a broken marriage and/or having parents that were way to young to be having kids, that I didn't turn out exactly as any of us planned/hoped. Including myself.
Now, however, I'm older and married. I get along with my mom very well, and she is finally starting to accept me. Funny though, her attitude change tremendously towards me after I got hitched. Not sure if that was a coincedince or not, but I'm certainly not complaining.
Still, even though I'm married, and an adult by all intents and purposes, I'm trying to find acceptance, and be good enough for my husband (as well as my mom). I suppose he did accept me, since he married me, but then again, he knew nothing about the anxiety, as it didn't show up until after the ceremony. The main thing is, I can not forget some things that were said in the beginning of our relationship.
There was a time right before we took our first vacation, that I sensed something wasn't quite right. Mind you we had only been going out for a month, so what I'm about to say may seem silly. But, I finally got out of him what was bothering him, and he told me that he, "wasn't sure if I was the one"
Now my first thought was, fantastic. Just what I want to hear. Could he have not kept that to himself, or more importantly sugar coated it a little? But I did ask, so I guess I had that coming to me (but I certainly didn't think I would hear that!). After the initial hurt, I started to think, 'well who the fuck knows if someone is the one after going out for a freaking month.'
Apparently he had some fantasy in his head about his ideal girl, and how she would be, and I wasn't that way. There is something to be said for being too honest. At least so soon in the relationship, because obviously as was in our case, things worked out for the better, so I really did not need to have that information entered into my memory banks. I cannot get it out, no matter how hard I try.
After that, I have to admit, the prospect of going on a two week vacation with someone who thought this way about me, didn't appeal so much anymore.
Then, there was the time, after two weeks of dating that he let loose the information (loose lips sink ships remember) that I was not his physical type. This time I promise you I did not ask for this little tid bit.
Since our relationship was so new, I blew it off at the time, but now? And in the months leading up to our marriage? I thought about it a lot. Let me tell you. I cannot get rid of the thought that he settled for me. This theory is fully backed by how he got together with his ex girlfriend. Out of guilt btw.
So now I wonder if because he was getting older, and hadn't been in a relationship for several years, maybe he even thought he wouldn't find someone else,- did he pop the question out of pressure, guilt, or just because some nice girl came along and since he hadn't found anything better, thought he would settle for me?
Though for the record, I never once asked him about marriage so he should not have felt pressured, though he say he did a little. I always let him instigate the topic, because I knew I found a good thing, and I wasn't about to scare it away by mentioning the dreaded M word.
Then there is the issue of body image. My image specifically. I have always been down on how I looked, but this was brought out big time when we met. First because his bedroom was like a shrine to female body. Every available space was covered in pictures, figurines, whatever of women. And none of them looked like me. To add to that, he is an excellent drawer/artist. His subject matter? Girls of course. All drawn with figures that look nothing like me.
This is what I have to compete with. My thought process go like this... his taste in women is obvious based on the images plastered all over the house, and the subject matter he draws. If he was drawn to overweight women (like myself), he would have pictures, and artwork to display such feelings. You create what you like and you display what you like. It makes no sense to display things which do not have any appeal.
In general, I feel that guys are attracted to the "ideal body" that society portrays everywhere. (that a fucking lot-this is a huge pet peeve of mine btw). But in real life most women, (though I am noticing an alarming trend in very skinny girls, with less clothes than usual parading around-and very very young ones at that, hello? This is how pedephiles get their start I'm sure. In fact I'm actually starting to wonder if there is a new "supermodel" breed because everywhere I look I see young tall toothpicks with perfect hair, clothes and features I suppose the men of their generation will be most pleased.) do not look like that (at least in my generation or at least not without lots of money and surgical intervention).
So guess what? They have to settle with ones they find nice and get along with, and at least a little bit attractive. But they are nowhere near what they would really want physically. Unless they have money, then their women can be sent in for annual maintenance and paint jobs so they look how the men want them to. I don't know why, but I'm thinking of the Stepford Wives for some reason.
Anyway, my long winded point is, it's a little hard to feel good about oneself when you have the competition staring you in the face everywhere you look. This is how I feel about my relationship with my husband. Pretty shitty huh?
I do feel he genuinly likes me, and loves me and sees good things in me, but I cannot buy no matter what he says now, that he is actually physically attracted to me.
Besides the stupid words he said in those first two weeks. I am not blind. I see what I look like in the mirror, as much as I try to avoid looking, that piece of glass does not lie, and I know what you see isn't a good thing.
What the hell, I so didn't mean to go off on this tangent tonight. In fact I wasn't really thinking about it, so I'm not really sure where this came from. At first I didn't want to openly share this information, but since it's Obviously it's a big issue with me, and this is my blog about anxieties and my life, well why the hell not right?
See what I mean? It's obvious I need help with self esteem.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I hate storms
Oh what a day. I have been on edge since 2:30 this morning. I did not sleep thanks to the rain. Wait let me take that back. I sort of slept from 2:30 to 4:44 am. Then I was up and awake at first due to dizziness, then because the rain was so heavy and loud on the skylights, that I couldn't stop thinking about the trees falling. We got like 10 inches of rain today!
The whole damn day, I've been nervous and checking the weather report. We lost our power, but not the internet or tv, so I'm able to keep track of the weather every 15 minutes if I want.
That's actually not good I'm sure, but it did help. At least I knew the hours when the severe weather would hit, which actually wasn't bad at all, and I could watch for road closures. My biggest fear is not being able to get out of here if we need to. Bear Creek has been closed, so that's one way out we can't take, 17 flooded, and so far 9 has been open, so I'm hoping against hope it stays that way.
To say I haven't been feeling great today, is an understatement. I'm having some strange sensations in my eyes/face/head, that have been going on most of the day. I suspect some of it is from not being able to sleep. I did take a nap, this afternoon after the worst of the weather, but it wasn't enough, I still have a headache and could totally sleep right now, if I wasn't nervous.
Even though the storm is mostly gone, it is still raining, and it doesn't mean the roads can't close due to mudslides, trees falling, flooding etc. so I won't feel better, until I know we can leave tomorrow when we come down for my therapy appointment.
I really want to do my art project, but I'm feeling too nervous/crappy to do it, though I know now would be the best time probably. Maybe I will. But I sure wish the lights would come back on, so I won't have to worry about using too much gas in the generator to light the kitchen.
Man I sure hope I can relax soon.
The whole damn day, I've been nervous and checking the weather report. We lost our power, but not the internet or tv, so I'm able to keep track of the weather every 15 minutes if I want.
That's actually not good I'm sure, but it did help. At least I knew the hours when the severe weather would hit, which actually wasn't bad at all, and I could watch for road closures. My biggest fear is not being able to get out of here if we need to. Bear Creek has been closed, so that's one way out we can't take, 17 flooded, and so far 9 has been open, so I'm hoping against hope it stays that way.
To say I haven't been feeling great today, is an understatement. I'm having some strange sensations in my eyes/face/head, that have been going on most of the day. I suspect some of it is from not being able to sleep. I did take a nap, this afternoon after the worst of the weather, but it wasn't enough, I still have a headache and could totally sleep right now, if I wasn't nervous.
Even though the storm is mostly gone, it is still raining, and it doesn't mean the roads can't close due to mudslides, trees falling, flooding etc. so I won't feel better, until I know we can leave tomorrow when we come down for my therapy appointment.
I really want to do my art project, but I'm feeling too nervous/crappy to do it, though I know now would be the best time probably. Maybe I will. But I sure wish the lights would come back on, so I won't have to worry about using too much gas in the generator to light the kitchen.
Man I sure hope I can relax soon.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Not much going on
Woke up late again today. Sheesh, I just can't go to bed early for some reason. The good news is, I woke up feeling good. Bad news is it was almost 2 by the time I was actually showered and roaming around the house. I was working on my art project, doing the computer stuff from bed, but still I feel so guilty if I don't get going with my day sooner.
I spent most of it planning my project, and then we went over the hill to take care of the rooster before the storm, get the last of the firewood, and go to Michaels for art supplies. That was fun, and now we are back, and I'm really tired, but of course I'll probably stay up in wait for the storm that is supposed to hit. I really want to be able to go to my mom's tomorrow, but something tells me the driving conditions might not be great. Poo.
So except for headaches and heartburn, I've been doing pretty well today. I've had the pressure feeling at times, but it is more mild than it has been in the past, and for the most part didn't bother me too much. I'm in a lot of pain, and the headaches are from all the tension my body is feeling now. I think it's from sleeping crazy with all those pillows. Someday I really should stop that.
I just hope that storm isn't too terrible tomorrow. I think I'll read about Katherine now, and then watch my shows.
I spent most of it planning my project, and then we went over the hill to take care of the rooster before the storm, get the last of the firewood, and go to Michaels for art supplies. That was fun, and now we are back, and I'm really tired, but of course I'll probably stay up in wait for the storm that is supposed to hit. I really want to be able to go to my mom's tomorrow, but something tells me the driving conditions might not be great. Poo.
So except for headaches and heartburn, I've been doing pretty well today. I've had the pressure feeling at times, but it is more mild than it has been in the past, and for the most part didn't bother me too much. I'm in a lot of pain, and the headaches are from all the tension my body is feeling now. I think it's from sleeping crazy with all those pillows. Someday I really should stop that.
I just hope that storm isn't too terrible tomorrow. I think I'll read about Katherine now, and then watch my shows.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Whoopsie Daisy
Oh dear. It came to my attention this morning, that once again, I completely forgot to write my post last night. I'm not sure why after all this time, I'm forgetting so often to write these past 2 weeks. I think this is the third time I've forgotten.
What's even weirder, is that I totally thought I had written it, and was thinking about it this morning, when it dawned on me, that it wasn't so. I almost ran straight to the computer to apologize, but then I thought once again, why am I needing to apologize to myself? There is nothing to justify here, I forgot and that's that.
So here I sit tonight, a little unwillingly as I was deeply engrossed in the book I'm reading now. Another one about Katherine Howard, and I'm glad to report that this book does not disappoint, nor did it change my opinion of her. I still favor her, and Anne of Cleves as my favorites of Henry's wives.
Now of course, I'm all into the Tudor scene again, and will probably devour the next book I can find, preferably about Anne of Cleves. Maybe I should see what the hype about Anne Boleyn is about, but I'm not sure. She doesn't do it for me.
Anyway, this is beside the point of this post I suppose, though it is what I've been doing lately. It's been a loooong time, since I've sat and read a book, so it's nice to be able to do so again. Especially after yesterday. Well actually I read a lot yesterday too, because I had a terrible headache, but then I felt guilty for not doing anything all day, and so around this time last night I went into a weird funk. More sadness about my past and not being able to live life like I want. Then feeling guilty because here I am whining about not being brave enough to go to the grocery store when other people are actually dealing with real illnesses.
Luckily I was able to pull myself out of it, well with Matt's help, and we had a very pleasant rest of the night/morning. Didn't go to bed til 3 am, which led me to sleep til 11 this morning. I was somewhat alarmed when I saw the clock and realized half the day was almost gone, even worse I still needed to sleep more. I finally got rolling around 1:30. Sad but true and then the day just flew by, as it is wont to do when you sleep half of it away.
I had a good day though. Since Matt was making me anxious by insisting on putting the gutters on the roof by himself, I did not feel safe by myself downstairs. I wanted to be within calling distance in case of an emergency anxiety attack, so I hauled all my art belongings upstairs to the kitchen table.
Not sure what to do exactly, I brought up my big canvas for the upcoming Mountain Mama gallery show next month, and after many discussions with myself and Matt, finally decided on what to do. Way cool idea, and I really hope it works out like I think it will.
I then spent the rest of the daylight hours planning my project. We even went out, and took pictures, though I don't think any will work out.
The rest of the night I've been reading my book, and I can't believe it's almost midnight when it feels like maybe 9 or 10. We really must try to go to bed earlier. I really do not like missing half the day, especially at this time of year, when it gets dark so early. Then it really feels like you missed out on things. Plus the light in the house is terrible when it's dark, so it really makes artwork (upstairs anyway) not possible.
So tomorrow (and today actually) we are preparing for the upcoming storm, and I am trying my hardest not to panic. I know we have 5 gallons of gas, and if it were up to we'd fill the other container too, because I know we will loose electricity, and will need to use the generator possibly for a more than one day if it's as bad as they say. I hate hate hate wind. With wind, trees fall, and since we live in a forest, I'm not too keen for that to happen.
I suspect we will be sleeping in the living room again, as I'm scared of the bedroom during bad weather, since there is a hefty tree right next to the bed. Though honestly if I think about it, we really aren't safe anywhere, there are trees all around the house... Oh boy, I best not think of that right now.
Anyway, I'm hoping the storm won't be too bad. Sometimes they predict something way worse than it is.
Well I'm off for now, if I have internet the next few days I will be posting, but it's entirely possible we won't, especially Tuesday.
What's even weirder, is that I totally thought I had written it, and was thinking about it this morning, when it dawned on me, that it wasn't so. I almost ran straight to the computer to apologize, but then I thought once again, why am I needing to apologize to myself? There is nothing to justify here, I forgot and that's that.
So here I sit tonight, a little unwillingly as I was deeply engrossed in the book I'm reading now. Another one about Katherine Howard, and I'm glad to report that this book does not disappoint, nor did it change my opinion of her. I still favor her, and Anne of Cleves as my favorites of Henry's wives.
Now of course, I'm all into the Tudor scene again, and will probably devour the next book I can find, preferably about Anne of Cleves. Maybe I should see what the hype about Anne Boleyn is about, but I'm not sure. She doesn't do it for me.
Anyway, this is beside the point of this post I suppose, though it is what I've been doing lately. It's been a loooong time, since I've sat and read a book, so it's nice to be able to do so again. Especially after yesterday. Well actually I read a lot yesterday too, because I had a terrible headache, but then I felt guilty for not doing anything all day, and so around this time last night I went into a weird funk. More sadness about my past and not being able to live life like I want. Then feeling guilty because here I am whining about not being brave enough to go to the grocery store when other people are actually dealing with real illnesses.
Luckily I was able to pull myself out of it, well with Matt's help, and we had a very pleasant rest of the night/morning. Didn't go to bed til 3 am, which led me to sleep til 11 this morning. I was somewhat alarmed when I saw the clock and realized half the day was almost gone, even worse I still needed to sleep more. I finally got rolling around 1:30. Sad but true and then the day just flew by, as it is wont to do when you sleep half of it away.
I had a good day though. Since Matt was making me anxious by insisting on putting the gutters on the roof by himself, I did not feel safe by myself downstairs. I wanted to be within calling distance in case of an emergency anxiety attack, so I hauled all my art belongings upstairs to the kitchen table.
Not sure what to do exactly, I brought up my big canvas for the upcoming Mountain Mama gallery show next month, and after many discussions with myself and Matt, finally decided on what to do. Way cool idea, and I really hope it works out like I think it will.
I then spent the rest of the daylight hours planning my project. We even went out, and took pictures, though I don't think any will work out.
The rest of the night I've been reading my book, and I can't believe it's almost midnight when it feels like maybe 9 or 10. We really must try to go to bed earlier. I really do not like missing half the day, especially at this time of year, when it gets dark so early. Then it really feels like you missed out on things. Plus the light in the house is terrible when it's dark, so it really makes artwork (upstairs anyway) not possible.
So tomorrow (and today actually) we are preparing for the upcoming storm, and I am trying my hardest not to panic. I know we have 5 gallons of gas, and if it were up to we'd fill the other container too, because I know we will loose electricity, and will need to use the generator possibly for a more than one day if it's as bad as they say. I hate hate hate wind. With wind, trees fall, and since we live in a forest, I'm not too keen for that to happen.
I suspect we will be sleeping in the living room again, as I'm scared of the bedroom during bad weather, since there is a hefty tree right next to the bed. Though honestly if I think about it, we really aren't safe anywhere, there are trees all around the house... Oh boy, I best not think of that right now.
Anyway, I'm hoping the storm won't be too bad. Sometimes they predict something way worse than it is.
Well I'm off for now, if I have internet the next few days I will be posting, but it's entirely possible we won't, especially Tuesday.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
What an odd day
Well. Today worked out pretty well. I woke up feeling good again. Very nice after those days of not feeling well in the mornings.
I had a very lazy morning and didn't get out of bed until about 1:30! I was awake though and answering emails and comments and otherwise networking my art career in general. So I was being semi productive and not totally lazy, though really do I have to justify myself to myself? Doesn't that seem a touch odd?
Anyway the day didn't really get started until about 4 pm. That's when I finally got off the computer, and started putzing around the house getting laundry together, and figuring out what to do about dinner. Then on a total whim I decided to play around with my painting. I have been wanting to get down there for days, but for some reason or another I never found myself in the studio.
I was doing real well down there, but I was feeling very emotional so I had a mini meltdown and then felt better. Sometime around 6, Matt came down and we took the cat for a walk. I was feeling super during the walk. Totally normal. Then we stopped to talk to the neighbors, and it was like my legs turned to jello.
btw I really wasn't having trouble with anxiety symptoms today. I felt things here and there, like the pressure feeling, but nothing really felt bad, so it didn't bother me too much at all.
Anyway, I felt so friggen off balance, and at one point my whole body fell forward, and I instinctively reached out to hold on to something, but there was nothing there but air. I am almost positive the neighbor noticed that something had just happened to me, as she was looking directly at me at the time, but we continued talking like nothing happened.
Needless to say the rest of the conversation was somewhat tricky. I felt horrible with the balance issues, and could not wait for the conversation to end. When it finally did, the first thing I did upon coming in the house, was grab Mario and start playing. That worked. I was soon feeling better, but then I remembered my homework from therapy. I had been saving it for a time when I was anxious like I was told to, and felt this might be a good time to tackle task number 1.
Well I filled out my form, and then kept reading the chapter. 3 hours later, I was still reading, and highlighting and underling and filling out information. I was so engrossed in the book, that I was totally relaxed even though I was reading about anxiety.
The cool thing was, I learned a lot about myself and how anxiety works and is triggered. Very interesting, and now I'm totally going to go through this book chapter by chapter. I finally put it down close to midnight and then went back downstairs to try to finish my painting, since that was what I had intended to do in the first place.
I just came up (not sure if the painting is done yet or not), and am going to watch my shows and grab a snack now. Overall not a bad day, even though It started so darn late, and I'm really trying hard not to feel guilty about not getting going sooner and getting things done. For some strange reason, I feel like I was totally productive today.
I had a very lazy morning and didn't get out of bed until about 1:30! I was awake though and answering emails and comments and otherwise networking my art career in general. So I was being semi productive and not totally lazy, though really do I have to justify myself to myself? Doesn't that seem a touch odd?
Anyway the day didn't really get started until about 4 pm. That's when I finally got off the computer, and started putzing around the house getting laundry together, and figuring out what to do about dinner. Then on a total whim I decided to play around with my painting. I have been wanting to get down there for days, but for some reason or another I never found myself in the studio.
I was doing real well down there, but I was feeling very emotional so I had a mini meltdown and then felt better. Sometime around 6, Matt came down and we took the cat for a walk. I was feeling super during the walk. Totally normal. Then we stopped to talk to the neighbors, and it was like my legs turned to jello.
btw I really wasn't having trouble with anxiety symptoms today. I felt things here and there, like the pressure feeling, but nothing really felt bad, so it didn't bother me too much at all.
Anyway, I felt so friggen off balance, and at one point my whole body fell forward, and I instinctively reached out to hold on to something, but there was nothing there but air. I am almost positive the neighbor noticed that something had just happened to me, as she was looking directly at me at the time, but we continued talking like nothing happened.
Needless to say the rest of the conversation was somewhat tricky. I felt horrible with the balance issues, and could not wait for the conversation to end. When it finally did, the first thing I did upon coming in the house, was grab Mario and start playing. That worked. I was soon feeling better, but then I remembered my homework from therapy. I had been saving it for a time when I was anxious like I was told to, and felt this might be a good time to tackle task number 1.
Well I filled out my form, and then kept reading the chapter. 3 hours later, I was still reading, and highlighting and underling and filling out information. I was so engrossed in the book, that I was totally relaxed even though I was reading about anxiety.
The cool thing was, I learned a lot about myself and how anxiety works and is triggered. Very interesting, and now I'm totally going to go through this book chapter by chapter. I finally put it down close to midnight and then went back downstairs to try to finish my painting, since that was what I had intended to do in the first place.
I just came up (not sure if the painting is done yet or not), and am going to watch my shows and grab a snack now. Overall not a bad day, even though It started so darn late, and I'm really trying hard not to feel guilty about not getting going sooner and getting things done. For some strange reason, I feel like I was totally productive today.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Not my best day
So today hasn't been that great. The first time I woke up, I felt great. The second time I didn't. Still, I felt better after walking to the kitchen to fix breakfast for the cats. The problem I had today was, that I just wasn't feeling motivated. I felt somewhat sad and depressed, because of the anxiety and thinking of all the things I can't do, and how freakin scared I am now of anything that may happen. I'm so scared, It's unreal. I truly believe I won't handle it. Like I'll just check out and need to be hospitalized or something, and that scares the crap out of me!
It didn't help that I had to cancel my therapy appointment, because we found some kittens up on the hill. They were too young to take care of themselves, and at first I tried feeding them, thinking we could raise them, but they didn't know how to eat, and I just can't syringe feed them every two hours like they need. So we called animal control and they said to bring them down.
So we did, but now I feel guilty thinking they may be put to sleep because of us. Then again, they wouldn't have survived the night with the coyote's and the cold, not to mention lack of food, so this way at least they have a chance of having someone foster them. I really hope so anyway.
That whole thing really got me down, and after getting home, we ate and I took a nap. Unfortunately when I woke up, I felt bad again. It was that weird balance/congested feeling, making it hard to sit, lay, stand and walk. Most of it went away pretty quickly, but I still had some residue feelings taking the cat for a walk, and throughout the rest of the night.
I can feel better or calm down by playing my game, or reading, but when I get up, it hits again.
I finally decided to meditate tonight hoping it would help. Well I sat there for a while going in and out of panic mode, and I made myself deal with it. At one point I opened my eyes by accident and totally panicked, I then meditated some more and when I opened them again, I felt so much better, and relaxed. Even getting up and walking around I felt good.
It lasted for about 3 minutes, until I started talking to Matt and we got on the subject of medication again.
I'm better now, but still pissed about having to deal with this crap again. It's been awhile since these symptoms have been an issue. Ugh. I want to be normal, but I'm such a chicken to try the meds.
Hopefully the rest of the night will stay okay.
It didn't help that I had to cancel my therapy appointment, because we found some kittens up on the hill. They were too young to take care of themselves, and at first I tried feeding them, thinking we could raise them, but they didn't know how to eat, and I just can't syringe feed them every two hours like they need. So we called animal control and they said to bring them down.
So we did, but now I feel guilty thinking they may be put to sleep because of us. Then again, they wouldn't have survived the night with the coyote's and the cold, not to mention lack of food, so this way at least they have a chance of having someone foster them. I really hope so anyway.
That whole thing really got me down, and after getting home, we ate and I took a nap. Unfortunately when I woke up, I felt bad again. It was that weird balance/congested feeling, making it hard to sit, lay, stand and walk. Most of it went away pretty quickly, but I still had some residue feelings taking the cat for a walk, and throughout the rest of the night.
I can feel better or calm down by playing my game, or reading, but when I get up, it hits again.
I finally decided to meditate tonight hoping it would help. Well I sat there for a while going in and out of panic mode, and I made myself deal with it. At one point I opened my eyes by accident and totally panicked, I then meditated some more and when I opened them again, I felt so much better, and relaxed. Even getting up and walking around I felt good.
It lasted for about 3 minutes, until I started talking to Matt and we got on the subject of medication again.
I'm better now, but still pissed about having to deal with this crap again. It's been awhile since these symptoms have been an issue. Ugh. I want to be normal, but I'm such a chicken to try the meds.
Hopefully the rest of the night will stay okay.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
What happened today?
Oy! I'm lazy about this blog stuff lately. Getting home too late, and not feeling up to writing. Today was an odd day. Woke up great. No issues getting ready. I went to mom's for our Tuesday ritual and for some reason the weirdness started. All darn day I felt strange off and on. First I kept feeling this weird feeling in my face and eyes. Don't even ask.
Then the pressure cooker feeling started, which I still have now btw. It goes away, but comes back constantly today. Good news is, I took my blood pressure twice during an episode, and it was totally low, so now I know it's not that.
I dont' know what my deal is today, but I cannot shake the anxiety symptoms. Usually by the afternoon, it goes away when I'm at my mom's, but not today. I did feel better, while cooking dinner and stuff, but as soon as I stop, or shortly after the symptoms come back. Frustrating!!!
I had balance problems sitting down at times too. I really panicked on a walk home with my brother today, and the shitty thing is, it was such a short walk, and it was from my grandparents to my parents house, which is like two streets over. stupid!
Anyway, not doing good at the whole acceptance thing. I'm trying this week, and it's sort of working, but I'm not trying hard enough and today was a hard one.
Then the pressure cooker feeling started, which I still have now btw. It goes away, but comes back constantly today. Good news is, I took my blood pressure twice during an episode, and it was totally low, so now I know it's not that.
I dont' know what my deal is today, but I cannot shake the anxiety symptoms. Usually by the afternoon, it goes away when I'm at my mom's, but not today. I did feel better, while cooking dinner and stuff, but as soon as I stop, or shortly after the symptoms come back. Frustrating!!!
I had balance problems sitting down at times too. I really panicked on a walk home with my brother today, and the shitty thing is, it was such a short walk, and it was from my grandparents to my parents house, which is like two streets over. stupid!
Anyway, not doing good at the whole acceptance thing. I'm trying this week, and it's sort of working, but I'm not trying hard enough and today was a hard one.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Ooopsie!
I totally forgot to post last night!!! I can't believe it, I didn't even remember til this morning. Now I'm remembering tonight, and I'm too tired to post. Ha!
Not much happened anyway, went over the hill a few times hauling firewood. Had one moment at home of severe panic while reading conspiracy theories about the swine flu vaccine and the government. I don't think that made me scared, as I rather enjoy reading this stuff, but for some reason, I had sheer terror, and felt I couldn't breathe, and then felt like I would collapse or not make it to go downstairs to where Matt was and get help.
Well I made it down, and saw Matt and then calmed down. He was on the phone and I was afraid he wandered outside and that I wouldn't be able to find/or get to him in my panic. Weird stuff.
Talk about out of the blue and sheer panic. That doesn't happen often.
Anyway been fine really the rest of the day. Some breathing/balance issues here and there, but not enough to make me write about them.
We just go home, and I'm ready to relax. Oh yeah one more thing, I have been waking up sort of yucky yesterday and today. Yesterday was worse than today, but the feelings went away once I was up and had fed the cats. It's hard to describe, kinda balance, and a feeling of being pushed down, and congested at the same time.
Okay that's all. Tomorrow I go to mom's for the biggest loser, so I probably won't have much to report then either. Hopefully I remember though.
Not much happened anyway, went over the hill a few times hauling firewood. Had one moment at home of severe panic while reading conspiracy theories about the swine flu vaccine and the government. I don't think that made me scared, as I rather enjoy reading this stuff, but for some reason, I had sheer terror, and felt I couldn't breathe, and then felt like I would collapse or not make it to go downstairs to where Matt was and get help.
Well I made it down, and saw Matt and then calmed down. He was on the phone and I was afraid he wandered outside and that I wouldn't be able to find/or get to him in my panic. Weird stuff.
Talk about out of the blue and sheer panic. That doesn't happen often.
Anyway been fine really the rest of the day. Some breathing/balance issues here and there, but not enough to make me write about them.
We just go home, and I'm ready to relax. Oh yeah one more thing, I have been waking up sort of yucky yesterday and today. Yesterday was worse than today, but the feelings went away once I was up and had fed the cats. It's hard to describe, kinda balance, and a feeling of being pushed down, and congested at the same time.
Okay that's all. Tomorrow I go to mom's for the biggest loser, so I probably won't have much to report then either. Hopefully I remember though.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
I thought i was an artist
Today was a big anxiety day! I woke up okay, but even before I got out of bed, I could feel the weirdness start to happen.
Even so I got ready for the open studios tour today. I was nervous before we left, knowing I would have to be visiting with people and quite possibly getting stuck talking to them, and then of course feeling trapped.
And of course that happened at all the places we went to. The first one was the scariest though, and I got through that okay, but the next stop, I had to battle my height fears, because the stupid tours were on 4 floors. We only went to the first level, which I feel bad about, but seriously I was having a hard enough time walking through the halls there, so I wasn't about to try and make a fool of myself going up the stairs.
We saw loads of good art and very nice houses! We stopped by 5-6 different places, and most of the time I did pretty good.
Strangely enough, I had the hardest time, when we came back home and took Monkey for his walk. We ran into the neighbors, and had a long chat with them and for some reason, I could hardly stand.
When we got home I was still pretty nervous, so I vacuumed the bedroom, and just that simple task calmed me down. I then went downstairs to paint, and try my hand at abstract art. Which I saw a lot of today, and really wanted to try to do.
Oh good god, why did I bother? I am so fed up with the two canvases I started tonight, I really should have stuck with what I know. I know I shouldn't expect to be able to do something right away, when I don't even know how, but for some reason, I do. I expect it will be easy, and I'll just create this awesome painting. So not the case at all!
I haven't given up, but I'm definitely putting them on the back burner for a bit. Anyway the rest of the night I've done well, and I'm about to eat again, (something about this hour, makes me hungry) and watch my shows.
Major trapped points today!! Holy cow, I really pushed my comfort zone.
Even so I got ready for the open studios tour today. I was nervous before we left, knowing I would have to be visiting with people and quite possibly getting stuck talking to them, and then of course feeling trapped.
And of course that happened at all the places we went to. The first one was the scariest though, and I got through that okay, but the next stop, I had to battle my height fears, because the stupid tours were on 4 floors. We only went to the first level, which I feel bad about, but seriously I was having a hard enough time walking through the halls there, so I wasn't about to try and make a fool of myself going up the stairs.
We saw loads of good art and very nice houses! We stopped by 5-6 different places, and most of the time I did pretty good.
Strangely enough, I had the hardest time, when we came back home and took Monkey for his walk. We ran into the neighbors, and had a long chat with them and for some reason, I could hardly stand.
When we got home I was still pretty nervous, so I vacuumed the bedroom, and just that simple task calmed me down. I then went downstairs to paint, and try my hand at abstract art. Which I saw a lot of today, and really wanted to try to do.
Oh good god, why did I bother? I am so fed up with the two canvases I started tonight, I really should have stuck with what I know. I know I shouldn't expect to be able to do something right away, when I don't even know how, but for some reason, I do. I expect it will be easy, and I'll just create this awesome painting. So not the case at all!
I haven't given up, but I'm definitely putting them on the back burner for a bit. Anyway the rest of the night I've done well, and I'm about to eat again, (something about this hour, makes me hungry) and watch my shows.
Major trapped points today!! Holy cow, I really pushed my comfort zone.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Is it Friday already?
Alright, so today wasn't anxiety free, but I still did pretty darn good. I woke up fine again. In fact, I was feeling pretty great, until we left to go to the post office to mail my Alice in Wonderland piece to the magazine.
I don't know what came over me, but I got really scared. It started with the detached feeling, and grew from there, in fact as we were rounding the corner to the post office, I almost said,' let's just go back home'. But I didn't. I was very frightened though.
Weird. Anyway, we mailed the package, and yes we stood in line for quite awhile actually, and believe it or not, I did well. Uncomfortable at times, but no major balance issues like usual. We ran a few more errands, and I began to relax a bit. I still felt off and on out of touch, but it wasn't bad.
Even after getting home, it stayed with me most of the day. However, it would come and go, and If I really distracted myself well, I felt okay.
I had to play my game a few times for coping skills, but finally around 6 pm, I decided to venture out on my own and go to the ATM. We won't go into the swearing and yelling that occurred while driving that darn forsaken stick shift, and the less said about me falling backwards repeatedly while trying to get up a hill in neutral the better. Let's just say, I was very irritated. That helped quite a bit actually, because I wasn't nervous driving at all. Once I got on the darn road.
Though once I got to the ATM, and had to wait in line, and then someone got behind me, well then the anxiety kicked in. It was all I could do to complete my transaction. I think if no one was behind me, I would have been able to relax better, but I kept thinking what if I can't do this, and fall or something? Totally stupid I know, but after I was done, I zoomed away as fast I could.
Back on the road though I was more calm, and even decided to stop into the grocery store for exposure. I was going to get an avocado, but it was jam packed with people, and only one checker, so I said forget it. I went in and wandered around, and that was good enough for today.
I came back home traumatized from driving a stick shift, but otherwise I was fine.
I spent the rest of the night doing not much of anything, fooling around in Photoshop altering pictures for my art, and visiting art blogs. I finally went downstairs and finished that horrible piece from yesterday, and of course, I totally love it now. I so can't trust my own judgement.
The one I did tonight, was starting to become anther disaster, but I fooled around with it some, and actually ended up finger painting, instead of my usual collage look. It came out pretty cool. I think I'm somewhat satisfied with it.
Well tomorrow is the open studio tour, and I'm not sure how I'll do anxiety wise, but I'm certainly going to give it a try. It will be neat to find other artists in the area.
Okay I'm off to eat and watch my daily dose of Oscar and Felix.
I don't know what came over me, but I got really scared. It started with the detached feeling, and grew from there, in fact as we were rounding the corner to the post office, I almost said,' let's just go back home'. But I didn't. I was very frightened though.
Weird. Anyway, we mailed the package, and yes we stood in line for quite awhile actually, and believe it or not, I did well. Uncomfortable at times, but no major balance issues like usual. We ran a few more errands, and I began to relax a bit. I still felt off and on out of touch, but it wasn't bad.
Even after getting home, it stayed with me most of the day. However, it would come and go, and If I really distracted myself well, I felt okay.
I had to play my game a few times for coping skills, but finally around 6 pm, I decided to venture out on my own and go to the ATM. We won't go into the swearing and yelling that occurred while driving that darn forsaken stick shift, and the less said about me falling backwards repeatedly while trying to get up a hill in neutral the better. Let's just say, I was very irritated. That helped quite a bit actually, because I wasn't nervous driving at all. Once I got on the darn road.
Though once I got to the ATM, and had to wait in line, and then someone got behind me, well then the anxiety kicked in. It was all I could do to complete my transaction. I think if no one was behind me, I would have been able to relax better, but I kept thinking what if I can't do this, and fall or something? Totally stupid I know, but after I was done, I zoomed away as fast I could.
Back on the road though I was more calm, and even decided to stop into the grocery store for exposure. I was going to get an avocado, but it was jam packed with people, and only one checker, so I said forget it. I went in and wandered around, and that was good enough for today.
I came back home traumatized from driving a stick shift, but otherwise I was fine.
I spent the rest of the night doing not much of anything, fooling around in Photoshop altering pictures for my art, and visiting art blogs. I finally went downstairs and finished that horrible piece from yesterday, and of course, I totally love it now. I so can't trust my own judgement.
The one I did tonight, was starting to become anther disaster, but I fooled around with it some, and actually ended up finger painting, instead of my usual collage look. It came out pretty cool. I think I'm somewhat satisfied with it.
Well tomorrow is the open studio tour, and I'm not sure how I'll do anxiety wise, but I'm certainly going to give it a try. It will be neat to find other artists in the area.
Okay I'm off to eat and watch my daily dose of Oscar and Felix.
Boring!
Man it has been another boring day. Woke up fine again too. Yippee!
The only thing we did was run over to the gallery to take a picture of my art on the walls. Hee hee.
I just came up from downstairs. I had to leave because I was creating nonsense again. I swear I've lost my touch. I can't figure out what is going on with me. I totally thought I had this piece in the bag too. Sooooo wrong. It's another one that I have to let sit for awhile. I've already painted over most of it, and that improved a bit, but it lacks something big time.
That's it man, my day swooshed by, mainly because we got out of bed at like 12:15! So half of it was over already.
The good news is, I've been pretty much symptom free all day. Even at the gallery talking to the ladies there, I was fine. Yeah me!
The only thing we did was run over to the gallery to take a picture of my art on the walls. Hee hee.
I just came up from downstairs. I had to leave because I was creating nonsense again. I swear I've lost my touch. I can't figure out what is going on with me. I totally thought I had this piece in the bag too. Sooooo wrong. It's another one that I have to let sit for awhile. I've already painted over most of it, and that improved a bit, but it lacks something big time.
That's it man, my day swooshed by, mainly because we got out of bed at like 12:15! So half of it was over already.
The good news is, I've been pretty much symptom free all day. Even at the gallery talking to the ladies there, I was fine. Yeah me!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Honestly, I really did have a good day!
Oh to post or not to post, that is the question. Well I'm posting, but I don't want to stay long. I just spent entirely too long reading the comments from Tara's Biggest Loser blog. Way too addicting. Now of course it's late, and I'm too tired to go into a long account of my anxieties for the day.
Luckily for me, and anyone who may read this, there isn't much to say. Basically I had a good day today. Virtually symptom free. Had two therapy sessions! The last one with the psychiatriast (I know that is spelled wrong, and I'm too lazy to google it for the right spelling.) Who cares.
Yes I was nervous at the beginning of the day knowing I would have a full day of dealing with my issues. ( remember two therapy appointments.) Plus I had to pop into work to pick up my disability papers. Believe it or not, I was more scared of going into my work than my appointments.
Still, I did fine through everything, and was put on disability for 3 months! Wooopie! I would be lying big time if I didn't say I wasn't excited about not working until next year. I hate my position now, and for the most part the whole place leaves a sour taste in my mouth, not to mention a bad smell in my nose. It's been 9 years and I'm sick of it. It might be different if I was still a tech, but since I never will be again, It's time to throw in the towel I think.
Now these 3 months will give me time to find something else, or have my art take off. I'm working hard on getting my art business started and really I hope I can at least make a little income off of it. It truly is what I want to be doing. NO more of this office crap. I left corporate america for a reason. when I came to my work place 9 years ago, I took a pay cut of half my usual salary to work in an environment that I love. And that is with animals. I felt blessed each day I worked, thinking how wonderful it was to be there (even in surgery) instead of some office cubicle all day. It was a teaching hospital and a very close family.
Now that has all changed. It is more and more like a corporation even though it is privately owned, and my particular supervisor has made it so I hate the very thought of driving into the parking lot. All the fond memories I used to have, are now tainted with her nastiness. That environment worsened my anxiety big time, and I have no desire to ever go back, at least not to the position she made me take.
Shame on my company for letting her have so much power! She has driven so many people away with her hijinks, and no one will put a stop to it. I have no respect for that place (at least the management and owners) anymore.
Well I guess I had more to say than I thought, and apparently I needed to rant. I could go on and on, but I'm trying hard not to name names, in case someone sneaky finds out who writes this blog. Right now, I'm so angry and sad at what has happened with my workplace. I used to love what I did, and now I hate it. And no one should have to put up with the crap she dishes out.
Okay maybe I read too many of those comments, I'm obviously on a bashing kick right now. I better stop and take a Tums.
Luckily for me, and anyone who may read this, there isn't much to say. Basically I had a good day today. Virtually symptom free. Had two therapy sessions! The last one with the psychiatriast (I know that is spelled wrong, and I'm too lazy to google it for the right spelling.) Who cares.
Yes I was nervous at the beginning of the day knowing I would have a full day of dealing with my issues. ( remember two therapy appointments.) Plus I had to pop into work to pick up my disability papers. Believe it or not, I was more scared of going into my work than my appointments.
Still, I did fine through everything, and was put on disability for 3 months! Wooopie! I would be lying big time if I didn't say I wasn't excited about not working until next year. I hate my position now, and for the most part the whole place leaves a sour taste in my mouth, not to mention a bad smell in my nose. It's been 9 years and I'm sick of it. It might be different if I was still a tech, but since I never will be again, It's time to throw in the towel I think.
Now these 3 months will give me time to find something else, or have my art take off. I'm working hard on getting my art business started and really I hope I can at least make a little income off of it. It truly is what I want to be doing. NO more of this office crap. I left corporate america for a reason. when I came to my work place 9 years ago, I took a pay cut of half my usual salary to work in an environment that I love. And that is with animals. I felt blessed each day I worked, thinking how wonderful it was to be there (even in surgery) instead of some office cubicle all day. It was a teaching hospital and a very close family.
Now that has all changed. It is more and more like a corporation even though it is privately owned, and my particular supervisor has made it so I hate the very thought of driving into the parking lot. All the fond memories I used to have, are now tainted with her nastiness. That environment worsened my anxiety big time, and I have no desire to ever go back, at least not to the position she made me take.
Shame on my company for letting her have so much power! She has driven so many people away with her hijinks, and no one will put a stop to it. I have no respect for that place (at least the management and owners) anymore.
Well I guess I had more to say than I thought, and apparently I needed to rant. I could go on and on, but I'm trying hard not to name names, in case someone sneaky finds out who writes this blog. Right now, I'm so angry and sad at what has happened with my workplace. I used to love what I did, and now I hate it. And no one should have to put up with the crap she dishes out.
Okay maybe I read too many of those comments, I'm obviously on a bashing kick right now. I better stop and take a Tums.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Not major to report
I'm not posting much tonight. I just got home, and I'm super hungry and tired. Went to mom's for the day while Matt went to Santa Rosa. Good day all around, though did have some bouts of anxiety here and there. Nothing too major, and it did go away most of the time. Still battling with it though. Very off balance since coming home, bending and looking over the deck are not fun things right now. I'm sure it's anxiety, so I need to just relax now.
I had a really good title for this post, but forgot it
Well I just don't get it. Here I was feeling good for a few days now, even starting to think this really was all anxiety, and thinking just maybe I could be normal pretty soon, and I'm sure I don't have to tell you where this sentence is going right?
Whaaaaaaat? Is going on? Balance and nausea galore today. Well here's how it went. Woke up pretty much normal. Did pretty good surfing the blogs this morning. Took a shower, and hmmm, let's see, went to make lunch and the stomach just went bonkers.
It felt like it was churning butter in there. I started to get sick to my stomach, and then I thought I was off balance. Now I say thought because I didn't really feel off balance while standing or walking, just that it felt like I was somewhere deep down. Maybe because I was thinking it and thinking that's what was making my stomach so yucky.
Naturally I did what I always do when I have an upset stomach, and that is to eat Mexican food. I am not kidding, I've never known a burrito not to cure my stomach troubles. It's as good as Tums.
Unfortunately nachos must not work, because that's all I had fixins for and I have to say I wasn't exactly cured. HOWEVER, I did feel loads better, and started to feel pretty darn normal again, until we got in the car to go over the hill. The jerking car movements, and the windy turns made my balance and stomach revolt. Luckily it wasn't a complete mutiny and nothing went overboard.
Oddly (or maybe not so much) enough I felt pretty good when we were visiting the rooster which was our first stop. Our final destination was Matt's work, but we had to make a few stops before then. Not until I got a milkshake, and we were at Matt's work, did I start feeling good again.
I played my games while he was in a meeting, and everything was great. I did take a kind of hard spin in the chair during a particularly engaging moment in my game, and started to feel off again, but it pretty much went away quickly.
THEN I made the mistake of getting up to go to the bathroom. Walking across the building I felt like I was going to explode. That pressure cooker feeling hit big time, and my ears started to feel full and my heart was pounding so hard, and then those white flashes in my eyes started. Now it sounds like I was going to pass out, but I don't think so. I didn't really feel that way, but I did feel like I was walking in pea soup for a bit. Luckily by the time I got to the kitchen area it went away. It was very short experience, but very severe. So much so, that I didn't go to the bathroom. I wasn't about to lock myself alone in a room after that experience.
So I went back and played my games, until we left which wasn't very much longer. I was fine, but it shook me a bit, and when we were leaving I didn't really feel comfortable going home just yet.
So we went shopping. I'm telling you retail therapy works. It can be expensive, but it cures the problems. At least for a bit.
Anyway I got some really cool stuff for my collages, and I'm so pleased with my loot because remember those disasters I made yesterday? Well they are totally cool today. In fact the one I hated the most is my new favorite! I know I've done this before, and I really just need to learn patience.
I always want instant results with my work and I want it done now. I do not like to wait, and if it starts to come out crappy I get super discouraged. Every time this happens, I always am able to fix it eventually. It may be a week later, but It will work out in the end.
Darn it, why don't I remember that when I'm actually working? Yesterday I was all ready to ban myself from making anymore art. Good thing I didn't.
Anyway, when we finally got home tonight, I had another issue, getting out of the car. The pressure thing happened again. Not as bad as before, but then I started to feel like I couldn't stand balance wise, and because it was dark it was hard to see, so I sort of started feeling disoriented. Yuck.
It went away once I got cooking, and started doing things around the house, and we ended up watching Aqua teen Hunger Force for a couple hours, and I was fine that whole time.
Now I just came up from the studio, and felt good while creating and still feel good now. Hope this stays for the night.
Whaaaaaaat? Is going on? Balance and nausea galore today. Well here's how it went. Woke up pretty much normal. Did pretty good surfing the blogs this morning. Took a shower, and hmmm, let's see, went to make lunch and the stomach just went bonkers.
It felt like it was churning butter in there. I started to get sick to my stomach, and then I thought I was off balance. Now I say thought because I didn't really feel off balance while standing or walking, just that it felt like I was somewhere deep down. Maybe because I was thinking it and thinking that's what was making my stomach so yucky.
Naturally I did what I always do when I have an upset stomach, and that is to eat Mexican food. I am not kidding, I've never known a burrito not to cure my stomach troubles. It's as good as Tums.
Unfortunately nachos must not work, because that's all I had fixins for and I have to say I wasn't exactly cured. HOWEVER, I did feel loads better, and started to feel pretty darn normal again, until we got in the car to go over the hill. The jerking car movements, and the windy turns made my balance and stomach revolt. Luckily it wasn't a complete mutiny and nothing went overboard.
Oddly (or maybe not so much) enough I felt pretty good when we were visiting the rooster which was our first stop. Our final destination was Matt's work, but we had to make a few stops before then. Not until I got a milkshake, and we were at Matt's work, did I start feeling good again.
I played my games while he was in a meeting, and everything was great. I did take a kind of hard spin in the chair during a particularly engaging moment in my game, and started to feel off again, but it pretty much went away quickly.
THEN I made the mistake of getting up to go to the bathroom. Walking across the building I felt like I was going to explode. That pressure cooker feeling hit big time, and my ears started to feel full and my heart was pounding so hard, and then those white flashes in my eyes started. Now it sounds like I was going to pass out, but I don't think so. I didn't really feel that way, but I did feel like I was walking in pea soup for a bit. Luckily by the time I got to the kitchen area it went away. It was very short experience, but very severe. So much so, that I didn't go to the bathroom. I wasn't about to lock myself alone in a room after that experience.
So I went back and played my games, until we left which wasn't very much longer. I was fine, but it shook me a bit, and when we were leaving I didn't really feel comfortable going home just yet.
So we went shopping. I'm telling you retail therapy works. It can be expensive, but it cures the problems. At least for a bit.
Anyway I got some really cool stuff for my collages, and I'm so pleased with my loot because remember those disasters I made yesterday? Well they are totally cool today. In fact the one I hated the most is my new favorite! I know I've done this before, and I really just need to learn patience.
I always want instant results with my work and I want it done now. I do not like to wait, and if it starts to come out crappy I get super discouraged. Every time this happens, I always am able to fix it eventually. It may be a week later, but It will work out in the end.
Darn it, why don't I remember that when I'm actually working? Yesterday I was all ready to ban myself from making anymore art. Good thing I didn't.
Anyway, when we finally got home tonight, I had another issue, getting out of the car. The pressure thing happened again. Not as bad as before, but then I started to feel like I couldn't stand balance wise, and because it was dark it was hard to see, so I sort of started feeling disoriented. Yuck.
It went away once I got cooking, and started doing things around the house, and we ended up watching Aqua teen Hunger Force for a couple hours, and I was fine that whole time.
Now I just came up from the studio, and felt good while creating and still feel good now. Hope this stays for the night.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Plesant Valley Sunday
Another good day today. Woke up fine. Been feeling good almost the whole day actually. Even my back is better.
I decided to go for my drive/errand in the afternoon, while Matt swept the yard. This time, I was fine driving. Usually I get nervous right away, but I did good. I drove all the way to the end of town, and since I didn't need anything at the store, I decided to check out the video store instead.
I was in there a few minutes, and didn't see anything of interest, when anxiety hit. I felt all weird like I was going to spin or something, so I ran out of there, which I know I'm not supposed to do, but I did.
Of course once in the car I was fine, and immediately relaxed, which is more than I can say for previous outings, where I usually have to play Mario when I get home since I'm still pretty worked up.
It was sometime after that that I started to feel a tiny bit of balance issues, but I didn't pay it much attention, and went downstairs to work on my paintings. I had no problems physically while working, but I did have a huge problem creatively. I could not produce anything good. I basically made two disasters not at all worth showing to anyone. It's like I lost my flow.
Anyway I put a stop to that nonsense, and came upstairs to play games instead. Now we did go to the grocery store to get dinner supplies, and I admit after getting back and even while in the car a bit, I felt the balance crap returning, but then I did the dishes which took 25 min! And I was fine.
Oh yeah, and we went for an extended walk with Monkey today. Ran into two neighbors and talked forever. We were gone an hour and 15 minutes. So I had plenty of talking points to add up today. The amazing thing was until we got to the last neighbor I was doing fine! No issues standing and talking. A little at the end, but not enough to freak out or feel I need to escape. More like I'm uncomfortable and wouldn't mind sitting down kind of thing.
Not bad.
I decided to go for my drive/errand in the afternoon, while Matt swept the yard. This time, I was fine driving. Usually I get nervous right away, but I did good. I drove all the way to the end of town, and since I didn't need anything at the store, I decided to check out the video store instead.
I was in there a few minutes, and didn't see anything of interest, when anxiety hit. I felt all weird like I was going to spin or something, so I ran out of there, which I know I'm not supposed to do, but I did.
Of course once in the car I was fine, and immediately relaxed, which is more than I can say for previous outings, where I usually have to play Mario when I get home since I'm still pretty worked up.
It was sometime after that that I started to feel a tiny bit of balance issues, but I didn't pay it much attention, and went downstairs to work on my paintings. I had no problems physically while working, but I did have a huge problem creatively. I could not produce anything good. I basically made two disasters not at all worth showing to anyone. It's like I lost my flow.
Anyway I put a stop to that nonsense, and came upstairs to play games instead. Now we did go to the grocery store to get dinner supplies, and I admit after getting back and even while in the car a bit, I felt the balance crap returning, but then I did the dishes which took 25 min! And I was fine.
Oh yeah, and we went for an extended walk with Monkey today. Ran into two neighbors and talked forever. We were gone an hour and 15 minutes. So I had plenty of talking points to add up today. The amazing thing was until we got to the last neighbor I was doing fine! No issues standing and talking. A little at the end, but not enough to freak out or feel I need to escape. More like I'm uncomfortable and wouldn't mind sitting down kind of thing.
Not bad.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Oh loardy not again
Well not much happened today. We did not go to Santa Rosa for various reasons. Matt has a ton of work that needs to be done by Monday, I was scared, and the final (main reason at least for me) was that I fell down getting out of bed.
Yep. I hurt my back. Again. Not sure how, but I've been icing it off and on today, so it's feeling better, and I haven't fallen since this morning. However, I am experiencing numbness, and sharp prickly pains spreading throughout my back. It doesn't happen often, but it is really weird when it does.
Needless to say I spent almost the whole day on the couch, with an ice pack. I nearly went stir crazy, and HAD to get out around 4:30 so we went for a drive. Well we ended up in Santa Cruz, and went to an art store to get really cool tissue paper, and canvases.
That's all we did, and it was back to the couch for us. I ended up taking a nap, which I can report went well, and then I got up and did some vacuuming, and tried to straighten up the mess I made downstairs with all my papers, but after the vacuuming, my back was hurting again, and that's when I started getting those sharp prickly pains, so I stopped, iced it again, and played games.
Now I'm absolutely craving a dove bar, so we will make a liquor store run, and then it's back to the couch to watch the Odd Couple and then bed.
So yeah, It's been a seriously boring day! But I have to admit, I did well on the anxiety front. Even in Santa Cruz, I was nervous at first, and my impulse was to run back to the car, but I honestly wasn't feeling any weird symptoms so why do that right? In fact my balance was great throughout the day.
Things are definitely looking up symptom wise.
Yep. I hurt my back. Again. Not sure how, but I've been icing it off and on today, so it's feeling better, and I haven't fallen since this morning. However, I am experiencing numbness, and sharp prickly pains spreading throughout my back. It doesn't happen often, but it is really weird when it does.
Needless to say I spent almost the whole day on the couch, with an ice pack. I nearly went stir crazy, and HAD to get out around 4:30 so we went for a drive. Well we ended up in Santa Cruz, and went to an art store to get really cool tissue paper, and canvases.
That's all we did, and it was back to the couch for us. I ended up taking a nap, which I can report went well, and then I got up and did some vacuuming, and tried to straighten up the mess I made downstairs with all my papers, but after the vacuuming, my back was hurting again, and that's when I started getting those sharp prickly pains, so I stopped, iced it again, and played games.
Now I'm absolutely craving a dove bar, so we will make a liquor store run, and then it's back to the couch to watch the Odd Couple and then bed.
So yeah, It's been a seriously boring day! But I have to admit, I did well on the anxiety front. Even in Santa Cruz, I was nervous at first, and my impulse was to run back to the car, but I honestly wasn't feeling any weird symptoms so why do that right? In fact my balance was great throughout the day.
Things are definitely looking up symptom wise.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Well, I never
I'm so tired, I can't stop yawning. I'm not exactly sure why since it's fairly early, but I am. So this post will be short. I hope.
Today was good. I woke up fine again. I was basically okay today, except for a brief moment while waiting for lunch to cook, but other than that I was good.
The main things that happened today were I went out to the store alone. I went to the little drugstore in town, since I'm tired of the grocery store, and I wanted to see if they would have any cool Halloween stuff. They didn't, but I did really good! Even walking into the store, I was pretty much fine. I felt really good the whole time I was out, and never felt the need to rush away or escape. Score!
The second bit of good news is the gallery opening went awesome. I was pretty nervous about going, knowing there would be a lot of people that we might potentially talk to, and a lot of standing around etc. But you know what? I was fine!! In fact I was doing so well, that I didn't think to be off balance until some time into the event, when I realized that I was feeling okay. And the even weirder thing was It didn't come on when I thought of it. Nor did it bother me when we were talking to the main lady who was showing me the ropes of running the gallery. I had no issues! I stood and talked for about an hour, and no balance problems! I even agreed to volunteer at the gallery without fear. What the heck?
Then, we went to the grocery store across the way, since Johnnies doesn't carry the stuff I needed, and again I was fine! Can you tell I'm surprised? I even left Matt in the store and went out to the car down the street to get the grocery list. We even stood in a long line, and everything was cool. What is happening to me?
And if that wasn't enough on the way home, we stopped at the Chinese food place, and ordered take out. We had to wait in lines, and wait for 30 minutes for our food, and again, no issues! I've been fine all night too. Honest to goodness, I'm somewhat shocked.
Now tomorrow is another story. We are supposed to go to Santa Rosa, and I have to say that darkens my day a bit. I am scared. And I do not feel like driving all the way up there. I would rather stay at home and work on my new collages. Bummer. Hopefully it will go okay.
That's it for tonight, I'm pooped. This mostly anxiety free day, has worn me out.
Today was good. I woke up fine again. I was basically okay today, except for a brief moment while waiting for lunch to cook, but other than that I was good.
The main things that happened today were I went out to the store alone. I went to the little drugstore in town, since I'm tired of the grocery store, and I wanted to see if they would have any cool Halloween stuff. They didn't, but I did really good! Even walking into the store, I was pretty much fine. I felt really good the whole time I was out, and never felt the need to rush away or escape. Score!
The second bit of good news is the gallery opening went awesome. I was pretty nervous about going, knowing there would be a lot of people that we might potentially talk to, and a lot of standing around etc. But you know what? I was fine!! In fact I was doing so well, that I didn't think to be off balance until some time into the event, when I realized that I was feeling okay. And the even weirder thing was It didn't come on when I thought of it. Nor did it bother me when we were talking to the main lady who was showing me the ropes of running the gallery. I had no issues! I stood and talked for about an hour, and no balance problems! I even agreed to volunteer at the gallery without fear. What the heck?
Then, we went to the grocery store across the way, since Johnnies doesn't carry the stuff I needed, and again I was fine! Can you tell I'm surprised? I even left Matt in the store and went out to the car down the street to get the grocery list. We even stood in a long line, and everything was cool. What is happening to me?
And if that wasn't enough on the way home, we stopped at the Chinese food place, and ordered take out. We had to wait in lines, and wait for 30 minutes for our food, and again, no issues! I've been fine all night too. Honest to goodness, I'm somewhat shocked.
Now tomorrow is another story. We are supposed to go to Santa Rosa, and I have to say that darkens my day a bit. I am scared. And I do not feel like driving all the way up there. I would rather stay at home and work on my new collages. Bummer. Hopefully it will go okay.
That's it for tonight, I'm pooped. This mostly anxiety free day, has worn me out.
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