Not my best day

So today hasn't been that great. The first time I woke up, I felt great. The second time I didn't. Still, I felt better after walking to the kitchen to fix breakfast for the cats. The problem I had today was, that I just wasn't feeling motivated. I felt somewhat sad and depressed, because of the anxiety and thinking of all the things I can't do, and how freakin scared I am now of anything that may happen. I'm so scared, It's unreal. I truly believe I won't handle it. Like I'll just check out and need to be hospitalized or something, and that scares the crap out of me!

It didn't help that I had to cancel my therapy appointment, because we found some kittens up on the hill. They were too young to take care of themselves, and at first I tried feeding them, thinking we could raise them, but they didn't know how to eat, and I just can't syringe feed them every two hours like they need. So we called animal control and they said to bring them down.

So we did, but now I feel guilty thinking they may be put to sleep because of us. Then again, they wouldn't have survived the night with the coyote's and the cold, not to mention lack of food, so this way at least they have a chance of having someone foster them. I really hope so anyway.

That whole thing really got me down, and after getting home, we ate and I took a nap. Unfortunately when I woke up, I felt bad again. It was that weird balance/congested feeling, making it hard to sit, lay, stand and walk. Most of it went away pretty quickly, but I still had some residue feelings taking the cat for a walk, and throughout the rest of the night.

I can feel better or calm down by playing my game, or reading, but when I get up, it hits again.

I finally decided to meditate tonight hoping it would help. Well I sat there for a while going in and out of panic mode, and I made myself deal with it. At one point I opened my eyes by accident and totally panicked, I then meditated some more and when I opened them again, I felt so much better, and relaxed. Even getting up and walking around I felt good.

It lasted for about 3 minutes, until I started talking to Matt and we got on the subject of medication again.

I'm better now, but still pissed about having to deal with this crap again. It's been awhile since these symptoms have been an issue. Ugh. I want to be normal, but I'm such a chicken to try the meds.

Hopefully the rest of the night will stay okay.