It's been a rough 2 two days

I know I didn't post yesterday. I actually thought of it, and then decided I didn't feel like it, which is usually how I start slacking on things, and then I never finish them. I don't know what came over me, but it probably didn't help that I had a very emotional night and just didn't have the energy to write afterwards.

It should have been a good day, and actually the day itself was fine. I woke up feeling good, we went to the gallery to work for 3 hours, I felt odd there, and had a hard time walking etc, but I think I was just nervous, having to deal with people, and being in a place where I am responsible.

Right before we closed my family came up to look at my art on display, then we all went to dinner at the German restaurant for the Octoberfest. This should have been a great time. However, I was dealing with anxiety at having to sit in a very crowded restaurant for two hours, and then my low self esteem/body image issues flared up again, which really fucked up the rest of the night.

Matt and I ended up talking for hours, because I could not get out of that funk. Finally I did, but it was a loooooong and emotional night.

So that brings us to today. I woke up feeling wonderful, and felt great for the whole morning. I started right away on my collage for the show, and everything was fine. Then something strange happened.

I was working on my piece, when I started feeling off. My balance was strange, and I was having those weird feelings in my head/face. Kinda vibrating/shaky feelings. I tried to brush it off, as being tired, and standing too long, but it persisted. So I went and played my game for a bit, and felt a little better. I went back to the art, and was feeling pretty good, but then we took the cat for a walk, and that's when things got bad.

For some reason, I really started to feel as if I couldn't handle my sensations. It was like I was having extreme anxiety symptoms, with no real anxiety. Up until it first hit, I was feeling fine, and totally thinking about my art. I admit, I had been extremely frustrated, earlier because I was dealing with photoshop and my computer crashing etc, but I had gotten over that, so that shouldn't have been the issue.

Anyway by the time we got home it was almost dark, and as I was walking up the steps, I really started to think, if something happened, where I had to be brave, I would not be able to deal with it, I didn't feel I was physically capable. I really can't describe how I felt, but it was strong. I've been this way before, but usually in scary situations. Such as feeling really trapped.

I came inside, and played my game for a long time which really helped, had dinner, and then started reading my anxiety workbook, because I was still a little nervous. After that, I felt fine, and started working on my art again. I got a lot done today, so I feel good about that.

I feel pretty good now, except for being starving. Which means I'm signing off now, so I can eat.