Booooooring!

I am bored. My life is boring. It has no purpose. What's worse is that I can't seem to be bothered to get off my fat arse and do something about this.

I know full well, it sounds like I'm depressed and possibly suicidal, but I assure you I am not. I like life and all the things it has to offer. I truly want to go out and do things. Travel would be high on my list. But for some reason, I seem to be stuck. Overwhelmed. Lazy.

Not only that, but the one thing that really seemed to get me excited, has now become blah. I'm talking about art. I have no desire to go downstairs to that artic freezer and try to create things. I also have no desire to haul everything up here and make a huge mess trying to create things in a space that was never meant to accommodate such activities. What I really need is a nice art area up here, where everything can fit, where I won't mind going to, and where the temperature isn't 20 degrees cooler.

The area downstairs is lovely for a studio, except it smells overwhelmingly like dirt, and every time I come up from spending time down there, my throat is very irritated for the whole of the next day. So I don't go anymore.

The other issue is that there is only one room in the house that is at all comfortable in the winter time, and that is the living room where the wood burning stove is. We spend all our time here for the 4 months or so of winter, and even sleep in here most of that time as well. So going off to the kitchen or my den is really an unpleasant experience, because as soon as you leave the cozy confines of the living room, you immediately start chattering, and find yourself racing around to get whatever it is you needed to get done in that part of the house, and then making your way back to the couch and fire post haste before frostbite can set in.

And since the living room only offers one kind of sitting choice (3 couches), I am permanently stuck to one of those said couches on days such as these (namely days we don't leave the house because Matt is working all day). This makes for some very sore muscles, and spectacular headaches from being scrunched up all day on the computer or reading.

I'm really on a complaining kick aren't I? Well I can't help it. I'm done fed up with doing nothing all day long. It doesn't start out that way either. The day usually starts with lofty ambitions of all the things I'm going to get done and accomplish that day.

Yet, as we are late to bed, and late to rise, by the time we get showered and dressed it is about 1:30, and then it's time for lunch. Of course after lunch, well I'm just too full to do those dishes or vacuum, or that laundry right now, so let me rest for bit by reading this book and checking the internet, and then I'll get to it, just as soon as I feel more comfortable and energetic. Okay?

Yeah right! Never happens, and before I know it, dusk is settling in, and whoops another day has gone, and then my Food Network shows are on, and Whoops there goes the night, and now it's time for bed, only to wake up and repeat the whole stinkin process over again.

Pretty fucking sad huh?

So seriously, I really need to step up on getting my life together. I feel lost and lonely, and just don't know how to get back to what I used to be.

I know I have homework from therapy, and I'm supposed to be trying to get on a schedule which I need so bad, but I can not for the life of me seem to do this. What will it take for me to pick up those damn car keys and take my drive?

I don't need to even go that far, I just need to go. Yet day after day, I don't do it. And at this point it's not really about being nervous. I know I can drive to the store, down the street, across the road, whatever. I'm not scared about that so much anymore, it's just that it has become such a habit, not to do things, that I think I can't and then I don't!

Like today. The highlight of my day, was going to the ATM while Matt went into the Hardware store next door. I had no trouble with this. I didn't even know which area of the store he would be in, nor did I really care. This is progress.

Then later while at home, he kept hinting about taking Monkey for his walk, which I had no interest in doing as I was too cold. So it occured to me, to have Matt just go without me, and I didn't feel scared about it. Yet, I never mentioned this to him. Why? I think because it's such a habit not to do anything, and to be scared about doing anything, that now when I'm feeling more confident about this anxiety, I'm still hesitant to branch out, because I'm so used to not doing it. If that makes any sense.

And the thing is, the sooner I can branch out and do things, which I actually feel like I can now, the sooner I can have a life. If Matt wants to spend his whole day on the couch with the laptop working, he can do so, but I can be shopping for dinner, or working, or doing anything that interests me. The possibilities are endless and exciting.

I'm wasting this time on disability and it's making me more anxious and overwhelmed thinking that in a month the time will come for me to either extend my disability (at this rate, it may as well be permanently), or go back to work and face those demons, which I also don't want to do.


I really want my life back!! I wish I never went on that darn backpacking trip sometimes!