A little relief. Finally!

Okay today was much much better pain wise. For one, I actually slept through the night, only problem was it was one of those days where we had to get up early, so I couldn't sleep as long as I needed.

Luckily I've only had one major flare up today, and that was around 3 pm, so since about 4 I've been doing pretty darn good. Not sure why that is, but I promise I won't complain, because the pain I felt earlier was the worst ever. This may or may not have had anything to do with the fact that I tried treating the pain with vanilla extract, which is something I read on the internet and people swore by.

Well it numbed my mouth for about 3 1/2 seconds, and then the burn kicked in, and about 3/4 of the way home, the pain was so intense, I really thought for sure I would need medical intervention.

Somehow, I got the bad sharp stabby pains to go away through various remedies, and it has been gone almost completely since then. Maybe the vanilla did work after all. Who knows, it's quite possible some nerves were killed during that process of which I'm not entirely sad about. Needless to say, I probably won't do that again.

Now anxiety wise I've done okay too. Had a moment in Whole Foods while Matt was in the restroom, but it wasn't bad, and really it was mostly I kept thinking I would get scared, not that I actually was. But the more I thought about it, the worse I got, and by the time he got out, I had worked myself into the pressure cooker symptom, which I still feel off and on now, complete with pounding headache, though some of that may have to do with my mouth issue, not entirely sure.

I did well too at his work, he actually had to go upstairs for a meeting and this time instead of getting scared about that, and or follow them, I decided to stay downstairs where it was more comfortable. I had no issues at all. Except that I was hungry. But that's nothing new.

And I did a drive sort of by myself. I drove the car and Matt followed on the motorcycle to the video store. It was night and I really wanted to rent a game, but just didn't feel comfortable enough to do so alone, so I cheated a bit and had him follow me. That doesn't mean I wasn't scared, I worried plenty about him not staying behind me, and us being separated somehow, etc. So I should get some points for that.

My main problem is that I don't feel like I have any purpose in life. No career, not even school, no family to take care of, nothing. There are things I could do, like clean the house, but for some reason I just can't muster up any enthusiasm for that like I used to. Same thing with art. Not sure why, but it's really fallen by the wayside. I'm just not getting excited thinking about it. It's like I've gotten too lazy for life. Not good. Especially since I like it, and there are plenty of things I would do, if it weren't for the Big A.

Part of this laziness and not doing anything besides making a crater to rival the Grand Canyon in the couch, is because of my tooth pain. This really is the best day I've had in a week and a half and I've spent most of it over the hill.

The other days, I'm doing all I can to function properly. Thinking straight isn't always an option, so I frequently find myself staring at my screen saver in a stupor while the minutes tick away. Pretty soon hours go by and I've gotten absolutely nowhere with the day. It's surprising how fast the time can go while you are in pain and waiting for relief. One would think it would be excruciatingly slow, but I've found it to be the complete opposite.

For instance it's not uncommon to find me in the wee hours of the morning rocking back in forth on the bed in tears, and staring out the window praying for a break in the throbbing. For all I can tell I've only been there a few minutes, so I'm very surprised when I look at the bedside clock, and find that an hour or more have gone by. I think I just zone out, it's really all I can do when it gets bad.

The pain itself might be more bearable if it would just stay where the problem actually lies, such as the rotten tooth, but no, it frequently travels into the back of my head, into my ear, all down my jaw, upon occasion, a quick jaunt into my eyeballs, and most recently, making cameo appearances in my sinuses. I've swallowed so many pills, I'm pretty sure my liver is making picket signs for the upcoming strike, and my stomach is threatening to bleed if I so much as sniff another Motrin. So yeah it's a little hard to get things done during the day.

Thank god today was better!