Some serious late night ramblings.

Ack! I fully meant to paint tonight. I was inspired and ready to finally start my project for the gallery show, then I accidentally found the artist Gustav Klimt while searching for collage images, and whoopsie daisy, hours have gone by and I'm still looking at his stuff and reading about him. Very cool artist.

So now I still want to paint but it's like midnight and I'm crazy tired, and don't think I should start such a big project right now. I will do it tomorrow though, and I want to read some more of that anxiety workbook. Specifically the part on nutrition, because I know without a doubt I could benefit from changing my diet. Besides, a lot of my weird feelings come after eating, so it is possible there is something I'm eating that makes me feel kinda funky, and then I go and create a big panic over the sensations etc. I also want to read the self esteem part, because I have a very strong feeling if I can get more of that, I may feel more able to tackle more of my problems.

I'm learning through therapy and the book, that I have perfectionist tendencies, which of course I never would have guessed, as I see perfectionists as ones having incredible attention to detail, and wanting things to be just so. Perfectly. Which isn't me at all, as I constantly miss details and get impatient when needing to spend time with them.

But, apparently my image of a perfectionist isn't always the case. Some are like me, who never feel they are good enough, and constantly strive for approval. Bingo!! That sums up a huge part of my life right there. Always trying to win the approval of my mom. And I have never felt like I was a good enough child/daughter to her.

I specifically remember before my brother was born, thinking and saying, that I hope he turns out to be the child they wanted. And of course he is. Perfectly. I don't feel any anomosity about that fact. I'm proud of all his accomplishments and glad he is a good, and studious kid. I wish him well, and know he will be a very successful person.

And, I wish I was like that at his age, but my times were different, and perhaps it is coming from a broken marriage and/or having parents that were way to young to be having kids, that I didn't turn out exactly as any of us planned/hoped. Including myself.

Now, however, I'm older and married. I get along with my mom very well, and she is finally starting to accept me. Funny though, her attitude change tremendously towards me after I got hitched. Not sure if that was a coincedince or not, but I'm certainly not complaining.

Still, even though I'm married, and an adult by all intents and purposes, I'm trying to find acceptance, and be good enough for my husband (as well as my mom). I suppose he did accept me, since he married me, but then again, he knew nothing about the anxiety, as it didn't show up until after the ceremony. The main thing is, I can not forget some things that were said in the beginning of our relationship.

There was a time right before we took our first vacation, that I sensed something wasn't quite right. Mind you we had only been going out for a month, so what I'm about to say may seem silly. But, I finally got out of him what was bothering him, and he told me that he, "wasn't sure if I was the one"

Now my first thought was, fantastic. Just what I want to hear. Could he have not kept that to himself, or more importantly sugar coated it a little? But I did ask, so I guess I had that coming to me (but I certainly didn't think I would hear that!). After the initial hurt, I started to think, 'well who the fuck knows if someone is the one after going out for a freaking month.'

Apparently he had some fantasy in his head about his ideal girl, and how she would be, and I wasn't that way. There is something to be said for being too honest. At least so soon in the relationship, because obviously as was in our case, things worked out for the better, so I really did not need to have that information entered into my memory banks. I cannot get it out, no matter how hard I try.

After that, I have to admit, the prospect of going on a two week vacation with someone who thought this way about me, didn't appeal so much anymore.

Then, there was the time, after two weeks of dating that he let loose the information (loose lips sink ships remember) that I was not his physical type. This time I promise you I did not ask for this little tid bit.

Since our relationship was so new, I blew it off at the time, but now? And in the months leading up to our marriage? I thought about it a lot. Let me tell you. I cannot get rid of the thought that he settled for me. This theory is fully backed by how he got together with his ex girlfriend. Out of guilt btw.

So now I wonder if because he was getting older, and hadn't been in a relationship for several years, maybe he even thought he wouldn't find someone else,- did he pop the question out of pressure, guilt, or just because some nice girl came along and since he hadn't found anything better, thought he would settle for me?

Though for the record, I never once asked him about marriage so he should not have felt pressured, though he say he did a little. I always let him instigate the topic, because I knew I found a good thing, and I wasn't about to scare it away by mentioning the dreaded M word.

Then there is the issue of body image. My image specifically. I have always been down on how I looked, but this was brought out big time when we met. First because his bedroom was like a shrine to female body. Every available space was covered in pictures, figurines, whatever of women. And none of them looked like me. To add to that, he is an excellent drawer/artist. His subject matter? Girls of course. All drawn with figures that look nothing like me.

This is what I have to compete with. My thought process go like this... his taste in women is obvious based on the images plastered all over the house, and the subject matter he draws. If he was drawn to overweight women (like myself), he would have pictures, and artwork to display such feelings. You create what you like and you display what you like. It makes no sense to display things which do not have any appeal.

In general, I feel that guys are attracted to the "ideal body" that society portrays everywhere. (that a fucking lot-this is a huge pet peeve of mine btw). But in real life most women, (though I am noticing an alarming trend in very skinny girls, with less clothes than usual parading around-and very very young ones at that, hello? This is how pedephiles get their start I'm sure. In fact I'm actually starting to wonder if there is a new "supermodel" breed because everywhere I look I see young tall toothpicks with perfect hair, clothes and features I suppose the men of their generation will be most pleased.) do not look like that (at least in my generation or at least not without lots of money and surgical intervention).

So guess what? They have to settle with ones they find nice and get along with, and at least a little bit attractive. But they are nowhere near what they would really want physically. Unless they have money, then their women can be sent in for annual maintenance and paint jobs so they look how the men want them to. I don't know why, but I'm thinking of the Stepford Wives for some reason.

Anyway, my long winded point is, it's a little hard to feel good about oneself when you have the competition staring you in the face everywhere you look. This is how I feel about my relationship with my husband. Pretty shitty huh?

I do feel he genuinly likes me, and loves me and sees good things in me, but I cannot buy no matter what he says now, that he is actually physically attracted to me.

Besides the stupid words he said in those first two weeks. I am not blind. I see what I look like in the mirror, as much as I try to avoid looking, that piece of glass does not lie, and I know what you see isn't a good thing.

What the hell, I so didn't mean to go off on this tangent tonight. In fact I wasn't really thinking about it, so I'm not really sure where this came from. At first I didn't want to openly share this information, but since it's Obviously it's a big issue with me, and this is my blog about anxieties and my life, well why the hell not right?


See what I mean? It's obvious I need help with self esteem.