What the bloody hell?

I'm fed up! Just when I start to feel good about things, and think maybe there really is a way out of this anxiety shit, just when things are starting to look just the slightest bit normal.... yeah, I get hit with a tsunami of really bad symptoms.

I'm fed up with the lot of them.

I was doing pretty damn good today too, until we went to my mom's to pick up firewood. Well one thing led to another, and we stayed for dinner, which I was actually excited about as we were hungry, it's good food, and It's fun for me to be with my family especially since we don't get any visitors at our house.

Well things are moving along fine with dinner, but just when I stand up to put my dish in the sink.... tragedy happens. My balance is shot, I can hardly walk and when I do it's like I'm doing it through a huge fog. Even turning my head is hard. My reactions are shaky, and that weird dizzy but not dizzy sensation in my face (under eyes, cheeks and bridge of nose area) is going on. I mean really how do you get dizzy in your nose? Yet that is almost what the sensation feels like.

Okay, what the hell I want to know is why the fuck did that happen? Where was the reason? Yes it is important. I need to know why this is happening in times when I'm doing really well. Otherwise it just don't make sense. I mean how is it that certain distractions work, and keep anxiety away, yet when I'm enjoying myself, and totally not scared or thinking about anxiety it hits, and not just a little (i could sort of understand a little residual stuff), but a whole lot and severe symptoms too.

I mean really, I'm not anxious. I'm eating a good dinner with my family, in my very safest of places, and THAT shit happens??

The crazy thing is, these were exactly the feelings I anticipated at the doctors and they didn't happen, even though my anxiety was through the roof.

This? Right here? Is EXACTLY why I have a hard time believing these symptoms are anxiety.

How does that make any fucking sense? Cause I REALLY want to know.