Another day another dollar

Okay at least today was better. I woke up feeling good. In fact I felt totally normal. It was great while it lasted, but sure enough the weirdness kicked in while on the road to work. I just started freaking out. Really nervous, and feeling like I couldn't do the drive over 9 again.

I did and I was fine, and eventually calmed down a bit, but when I got to work, the nerves started up again.

Luckily the day at work, went by without any major issues. I had the balance problem a little but for the most part today, that's pretty darn good. I can't feel it a little tonight, but mainly what I'm dealing with is dizziness.

Actual dizziness. It sucks. It's been happening off and on all day. Even at work. After dinner it hit me the hardest. It goes away for a bit, but then comes right back when you least expect it.

I took a nap after work, and I'm happy to report I actually slept without issue. I woke up dizzy a bit and a little off balance, but that got better with time. For some reason though, I've been feeling sad since then.

I'm realizing how lonely I am. I have two friends but we never hang out. Life and anxiety get in the way, and it makes it impossible to meet up these days. I would like to meet a new set of friends too that are interested in art. I would love to be able to have "art days" with them and have live people to talk to about it not just online friends. Someone I can connect with and do things with. Of course the anxiety would have to go away.

The other issue is, I've been thinking again about a family. It's a little strange, but I have this feeling that something is missing. Like I almost want a family to raise. I feel like I'm missing out on something in life without having kids.

OBVIOUSLY I shouldn't have them due to my inability to care for myself, what makes me think I can care for a child? It would be stupid for me to do so I'm sure. The other issue is, I pretty positive we can't have kids, without fertility help, which I'm not willing to do as I don't want a litter of children, nor can we afford it. I guess someone is telling us something huh?

It makes me sad to think I probably won't know what that is like, and I really would miss having a family around, but what can you do? It's been 4 years and nothing.

Then I get sad, that I'm such a disaster. Earlier I was looking through old pictures, and it was depressing seeing the happy child I used to be, and now look what I turned into. Well I wasn't always happy I know, but in the pictures I sure look like I'm having fun. Besides I was talking about the ones before the divorce.

I look at all the pictures and think how I miss the time when I felt normal physically. When I could stand and talk to people without feeling like I'm falling down and then start to panic, when I could lay down without an issue, and wake up without balance problems. I think that plagues me the most right now, not being able to sit, stand or lie down without feeling like crap.

I know I'm not supposed to do this, but I was searching online again about dizziness issues and came across a do not panic forum and so many people described what I had. A lot of them (after extensive testing) feel it's now all anxiety. For the most part I can agree, but there is the smallest bit that feels "what if" it's not? How could it be, when it comes on at times I'm previously okay? Why and how could anxiety cause one to feel like they were rocking in a boat just sitting on a bed, couch or chair? Do this make any sense? Not to me.

I suppose a meltdown is right around the corner. I can feel it coming on the last two days. Maybe it's hormonal, I don't know.

I did do better today and that is good, plus Fancy Feathers seems a little better too, as he actually limped out from his tree house to see us today. That made me feel better.

Wish me luck tomorrow. I'll need it to get through another day at work. I sense that I will have a talking to, now that the office manager will be in. I'm toying with the idea of coming clean about the anxiety. I still haven't figured out what to do, in the end I guess I probably won't say anything, but who knows...