It's my Monday

Oh it was sooooo hard to go to work today. I was seriously tired this morning. The good thing is, that I woke up feeling good again today! The bad thing is, it didn't last long. By the time I got to work, I was feeling crappy.

I think I was just too darn tired, my balance was off, and it was hard to move around a bit. Luckily once I started work "officially" I started to feel better. It really helped that I had a lot of tasks to do today to stay busy, so while I still had problems sitting in my chair and feeling seasick, it didn't bother as much as it used to. I was able to sit most of the day, and deal with it.

The only time I really started to freak out was when Matt went to the hardware store. You would have thought he was across town, the way I acted, but no he was only across the street! The problem was he was in a store, and I felt that if I had to go in there in a panic to find him, I would feel too anxious to navigate the many twists and turns it has.

I almost went after him once, but then I got distracted with something and the anxiety lessened so I ended up staying.

Other than that I've been having off and on issues, with walking, balance, and the pressure cooker feeling today.

This afternoon my family came up here to visit, and we went to the local German restaurant and I had a hard time hanging out there. It was very hard for me to sit in a restaurant for two hours! Especially since the floors were slanted (all buildings up here have slanted floors that make you feel like you are falling), and it was about 397 degrees in there. No air conditioning! I was so uncomfortable from the heat, I think it made the anxiety a lot worse.

When we finally were set free, I felt better being outside, but then had troubles standing around and talking. I have such a hard time standing around in groups and chit chatting. I always feel like I can't keep standing and that I will fall. I was surprised though to find it happening with my family. Usually I'm pretty comfortable with them. But today, I just kept thinking how I would feel better once we got home.

And I did. It took me a little bit, but I eventually felt fine. And definitely, I felt good while finishing my collages. I finished two tonight! I was working on another but believe me it came out like crap. I actually covered it up with tons of white paint that will probably take about 3 days to dry.

I know I said the same thing with that other painting, but this time it's real. The colors just weren't meshing, and I found that I was making lots of pained expressions on my face, and feeling very uncomfortable every time I added a new color to try to "fix" it. It was weird, but I swear it was almost physically painful to be creating that mess. I had to put a stop to it.

I think I'll be able to fix it though, so I'm not all worked up about it, just grossed out.