ICK!

I don't even know where to start. Today was crap. Simple as that. I started out okay, believe it or not. Woke up feeling pretty good, just tired, but no balance issues. Made it to work on time even. Felt pretty good at work until I took my break. When I got back, the balance issues kicked in.

All of a sudden my chair might as well have been riding the waves. I felt like I was swaying all over the place, and any movement, especially sudden set me off. To my credit, I managed to get through the next 2 hours 45 minutes without too much trouble. I tried to ignore the unpleasant sensations as best I could, and carried on with my tasks.

Well 15 minutes before I got off work, It kicked in hard. I tried standing up, but that was almost worse. I felt like I could hardly stand. I was starting to panic, and the time just wouldn't go fast enough.

FINALLY 2:00 rolled around and I zoomed out of there as fast I could. We drove over to the park, but it was pretty crowded, so we decided to just go home instead. This was my mistake I believe.

Going to the park, grounds me I think. It brings me back to reality, and being in nature and walking the creek and feeding the rooster is something I really look forward to. It makes me very happy, same as doing art. I ALWAYS feel better after we go there.

Today especially I should have gone to curb my mounting anxiety, because sure enough on the way home, it hit hard again, and for the first time in a long time I was really nervous driving hwy 9. I was nervous just going home actually. Usually home is a safer place, but today it felt like I was getting further and further away from "civilization".

I could not calm myself down for some reason, and even when we got home, I didn't feel better. I had plenty of things I wanted to do with my art, but I just couldn't relax. I tried surfing the blogs for awhile, and I thought that helped a little, so I tried taking a nap. Huge mistake lying down was.

I immediately popped back up and started surfing blogs again. Oh wait, I searched online for anxiety and balance issues. That's right I read about that for awhile, made myself sad and then searched the blogs.

Well, eventually I calmed down enough, that I tried to sleep again ( I was super tired btw), and it sort of worked. I did doze off and on, but mainly I was worried about how I was feeling or how I would feel when I had to stand back up.

As anticipated, when I stood up my balance was all screwy. I felt like poop. I started fussing around the house a little and it started to go away. I got back on the computer and wrote my art blog and visited others, until dinner time.

We took the cat for a walk after dinner, and I was finally feeling more normal. When we got back, I started fooling around with Photoshop and that took ages. I never did make it downstairs to do another collage. Oh well. Hopefully tomorrow.

I'm still feeling weird at times, and I have to say for the first time in a while, I'm nervous to take hwy 9 again tomorrow morning. In fact I'm not feeling too special about things in general. The incident today really depressed me. I'm feeling discouraged about this whole anxiety deal again, and I totally feel like I'll never be the same.

It really makes me sad, when I think of how I used to be before I was afraid to be alone, and the agoraphobia stuff happened. Before Matt had to tag along everywhere I go.

Oh to have my independence back! It will be a so nice to be able to do things without needing him to be with me.

I sure hope that day comes back.