Sit Fear down next to you and give it a hug

Ugh! I'm tired of this crap! I've had some form of anxiety almost the whole effing day today.

I woke up fine. Not even all that tired considering the fact that I went to bed extremely late. On the drive to work I felt fine, well except for some lingering stomach issues from yesterday, but that really wasn't bothering me too much.

I was even driving. Everything went fairly well, until we got within a half mile of Adobe. Then the anxiety started. I didn't even have to chance to feel good for a bit a work and then have it hit like it normally does. Nope I felt like crap, basically the whole time.

I was having major balance problems sitting in the chair and standing talking to people, and walking even. At one point I was in the kitchen talking to a friend, and I just had to escape as it felt I couldn't stand anymore. Same thing happened while talking to a client in the lobby. I made a hasty retreat to the outdoors and felt a little better.

Still nothing would take this away today. Then to top it all off, the mother of all anxiety triggers happens. Sure enough around 11 I hear sirens roaring down the road. Normally I would have hopped that they were just in passing, but the call from 911 came in to confirm my worst fears. Yep, by the time they roared up to the parking lot, I was shaking from head to toe.

I immediately ran out to the car, leaving a very confused co-worker I'm sure. All I wanted was to escape, because I just could not deal with that horror today. Not when I was feeling so shitty to began with.

Matt tried to calm me down, and it didn't really work, but I did manage to go back upstairs to my post, only to leave 5 minutes later, with a false excuse about needing to run to the bank real quick.

I just had to leave. Sure enough as soon as I scoot past the ambulance and exit the parking lot, I feel better. Hiding in the Walgreens parking lot away from the scary scene, I began to calm down.

We went back about 10 minutes later, but only after I saw that the ambulance left. The firetruck was still there, but I figured the worst must be over by now. I feel like such a sissy. Especially after hearing what happened, and now I feel bad, that I was panicking when the poor person in question was by far much much worse off than me. How could I be self absorbed?

Granted I wasn't part of the activities downstairs so I never witnessed anything happening, but I really feel bad, that a person was in such distress, and I was freaking out. What right do I have?

Anyway, after that disaster, I managed to calm down a bit, and eventually got through my shift without any major issues, but even leaving I was really feeling the balance problems bad. Getting in the car was hard, as was walking and standing.

We had to go to the store to get food for the rooster, and upon arrival, I thought I was going to have a really bad time, but when we went into the store and got his food, I did surprisingly well. I felt pretty good at the park too. I drove home, and except being famished I did alright.

Then after lunch I started having issues again, which have pretty much stayed with me, the rest of the night.

In order to combat them somewhat, I did the dishes and made dinner and I felt normal. But it comes on again, just as fast as it went away. The weird thing is I'm extremely sensitive to movement of any kind. Sitting on a couch, chair whatever, if I move ever so slightly I feel so crappy. It's like a balance, falling and pushing feeling all at once. Once I settle it will subside, but the initial movement is really weird.

For instance, I was reading an article on Marilyn Monroe this evening. I was lounging on the couch, half reclined, leaning towards the left. I was in that position for quite awhile, and felt good. When I moved to get up though, oh boy. I had to stop for a bit til the world felt still again. I really really hate this. I cannot figure this out, if this is anxiety or not. Are these sort of normal sensations that I'm really overreacting too? Or is something actually wrong?

Besides that, I really need to address another stresser in my life, and that is my job. I'm seriously thinking of quitting. I know this wouldn't be good money wise, or even financially for the cats, as I have a pretty big discount, but I just cannot deal with my current position.

Today I woke up thinking, "oh god, I can't believe I have another 4 effing days of this until I get off." That just isn't good. I cannot stand my supervisor, I don't trust her one centimeter. I've known her a looooooooooooooooooooooong time, and I know her past history and I know the trouble she's caused for people. I abhore the fact that she now is in control of my fate at work.

I also know that I will probably be put on probation tomorrow or very soon, due to my attendance issues. Some of which are not my fault, such as last week when Matt injured himself. I do understand that this needs to be addressed, but I'm not looking forward to the unpleasant discussion, and had she been a nicer person, I would feel like I could talk to her, but I can't bring myself to stand up to her, without sounding weak. Plus I really feel it would be helpful If I could explain my anxiety issues, but I fear that will be another notch in an already long list against me. They don't need more excuses to get rid of me. By back issues is bad enough.

In addition to all this, I'm feeling sad today, as I can't help remembering how things used to be with myself, and between Matt and I and knowing I will never be the same. I want a certain life that I fear I can never have due to my anxiety and or physical problems.

These are a lot of words today, and I have much more to spew, but It's getting late and this post is long enough, so let's hope things are better tomorrow....

I really need to meditate every day and do my pranayamas and listen to Sri Sri. Everytime I listen to him or the music from the class, I can't help remembering a time that was filled with hope. I felt so much better after taking that first class. I loved the spiritual closeness, the bonding, the singing, the meditating, and the inspirational words spoken by Sri Sri. A lot of times he spoke of things directly related to my issues.

I want to give my fear a hug like he says, but what do I do when it's so out of control, that it's hard to grab hold?