I'm so darn tired

Because I've pretty much been up since 4:44 am, I'm totally exhausted, and do not feel like writing a very thorough account of my day.

Basically I woke up crappier than yesterday balance wise. No I did not go to work. Again. I hope I still have a job when I finally do come back.

As the morning wore on and after endless art blogs, I finally began to feel better. I attempted to fall asleep again around 7:30 but I was dizzy and having nightmares. I woke up with major anxiety, but by some miracle I somehow managed to fall asleep almost immediatly for another hour or so.

When I got up, I felt better balance wise, but then I had major depression/meltdowns. After my nightmare which was about Matt hating me, and trying to hit me, I didn't want to talk to him about my anxiety problems. This is a big problem for us, as I always want to withdraw from him, when I'm really scared. I'm afraid that If I tell him what's going on, he will get sick of me, and one day will actually leave, because he's so fed up. And honestly I wouldn't blame him at all if that happened.


Anyhoo, we went over the hill for therapy which went well, and then I actually went to my doctors office to make an appointment and get exposure being in the scary building. I was super nervous, but I did it. I got my appointment for Monday at 3:30 and I managed to get my rx refilled too.

I'm not really sure if I can make it to the appointment as just being in the building was scary enough, but we will see. I hope so, because I know I really need some kind of peace of mind about all this nonsense that is going on.

Once the doctor crap was out of the way, we did fun stuff. Got a yummy burrito, more string gel, and went to the park. We didn't see Fancy Feathers, ( I think it was too late), but we did go on a walk/run which we haven't done in forever, and then wandered in the creek a bit.

All good fun. And I felt pretty good through out the day. Once the doctor visit was over, I was feeling pretty groovy. I did have a moment at in and out burger while Matt went to the restroom though. That is still very scary for me for some reason. It's so crazy, but I'm so used to being with him (or a safe person) I guess I have trouble even when he's gone for a few minutes. Which is rather embarrassing not to mention weird.

I did a little drawing tonight, nothing major as I'm too wiped out to even think about starting another painting right now. I really wanted to, especially because we are trying to go to Santa Rosa tomorrow, to see Matt's family (Gretchen and family are here right now), so I won't have any time to paint until Friday. Oh well not much I can about that.

Well what do you know, I managed to write an account of my day after all. There's no stopping me once I get rolling I guess.

Keep your fingers crossed that we make it to Santa Rosa tomorrow. I really don't want to upset anyone, if I chicken out again.