Thank god that's over

Well. Today I woke up feeling fine. Hot dog! Very nice after the last two days. In fact I felt pretty good physically most of the day, until evening, but I'll get to that in a minute.

Today was Santa Rosa day. I pouted about it for most of the morning, but we left anyway. Once over the hill we stopped at Jamba Juice for nurishment. I was so worked up by then, that I had a meltdown, and we almost decided to go right back home.

Funny thing was on the way down the hill, I was really busy thinking about art stuff, but then we got to the bottom, and the anxiety kicked in again. The main problem was that Matt's sister and family were visiting from out of town, and I felt that there was too much pressure to show up, since they knew ahead of time we were planning on going. I didn't want to disapoint anyone. Usually we just show up unannounced, so there aren't any expectations with anyone. Plus she was leaving tomorrow, so if we didn't go he wouldn't be able to visit with her at all.

Once the tears stopped, we decided to press on at least as far as San Francisco, where we could still have a good time there even if we didn't make it to Santa Rosa.

Well we breezed right through SF and before I knew it we were across the bridge. I was pretty ok with things, as I was busy scanning for a book store so I could pick up an art book that I really wanted. I figured at the very least it would help keep me busy on the drive.

Well by the time we hit Petaluma, no book stores were spotted and I was nervous again. I really wanted to turn around but Matt kept pushing me to keep going. Since I wasn't freaking out yet, I decided to give it a shot.

I have to say, that most of the drive I was more worried about being worried, rather than having any actual anxiety symptoms. I had a few, but they really were mild. I was mainly scared I would get the bad symptoms and then not handle it well.

I'm trying to make a long story short but it's not working well at all. Basically we made it to Santa Rosa and of course I got super nervous. We wandered around Sebastapool a few times, and finally made it to the house. It took me FOREVER to actually walk up to the gate, as I kept chickening out every time we approached it. I was so scared something bad would happen as soon as we rounded the corner and then I would be trapped in a sea of family members.

Matt and I agreed ahead of time, that if I needed to go, we would leave right away. All I had to do was tell him and we would go. Even if it didn't sound urgent, (because last time he didn't think I really meant it when I told him and it took 45 min to get out of there).

Well. Let's just say it took over an hour to get out of there this time. I kept telling him I wanted to go and we would make a move to leave and then someone would grab us and start talking and telling stories. I totally felt trapped! I wanted out and I had to stand and listen to all these conversations. Obviously this usually wouldn't be a problem, but with anxiety, I start to feel unable to stand and totally wobbly, when I'm talking to people especially while standing.

It got later and later, and I felt more and more anxious. Finally I got to the bad point symptom wise, and I was near tears, and still we couldn't get away. I was very frustrated, because this was the main thing I was worried about while visiting his family.

It's why I'm so scared to go to his parents house, because it's so darn hard to leave. I always feel trapped. I know I faced my fear and it's good that I did, but man it was too nerve wracking. There has to be an easier way to do this.

As soon as we left I burst into tears, because I had worked myself up into a such a lather. I was also somewhat irritated at Matt, though not really mad, because I understand the position he's in and how hard it is. But I felt that we made a deal, and he didn't take me seriously.

On the ride home we had a lengthy dialouge about this. He feels like he was trying to push me to face my fears, and I felt that I can't trust him to help me when I need it (At least in this situation).

The bottom line is we agreed that it's probably best that I don't go to Santa Rosa anymore. It's just too difficult and there are more important things to fix right now.

Which is fine with me, because honestly I was thinking the same thing. No more trips up there until I am better able to deal with my symptoms. The whole day is so stressful and now I have a pounding headache and I'm exhausted.

I did it though, and that does need to be celebrated.