Matt Saga day 2

Well, it's been an exciting two days. A lot has happened, so I will just touch on the major issues.

Basically now that Matt is injured, and unable to get around, I am having loads of anxiety.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the fact that all the responsibility is freaking me out. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind taking care of him, and the actual injury isn't that scary to me, it's just the fact that we have to depend on me. He cannot do anything.

That means I can't have any bad anxiety issues because who going to drive us, if I need to escape or go to the doctor? Me? Ha! Talk about pressure!!! And feeling trapped!

Needless to say I spent a good chunk of last night and this morning basically alternating between being scared silly and having meltdowns. I keep going down the road of, "why me? How am I going to cope I keep freaking out?, why can't I be strong? I better get a grip because what will I do if something really serious happens? I can't live like this, Why can't I be how I was before, when I was able to do anything and not freak out over certain situations?"etc.

I'm so worried about me not being able to handle it if something goes wrong. I feel like I would freak out and check out basically.

This morning for example, I started to feel really bad. I was feeling bits of that unreal feeling, having trouble walking, shaky etc. That happened after about 3 hours of intensive worrying about Matt, because every time he stood up from a lying position he would almost faint. That did it for me. What the heck would I do if he did? I probably would too out of fear. And that scares me even more. I know if I had to go get help, I wouldn't hardly be able to walk or function. I just don't trust myself.

I did not used to be this bad. Ever! I swear. I always had problems with medical issues, but I never had the feelings and sensations I do now. The ones of me being so out of control. What's scary is that they are so such real physical feelings.

I realize that I'm basically repeating myself in this post, but honestly that is what's going on in my head the last 24 hours.

I've felt crappy all day too because of the stress and lack of sleep this morning.

Anyway I hope things get better soon, and I feel like such a selfish you know what writing all this, thinking I should just concentrate on Matt and getting him better, which I really am doing on the outside. On the inside however I'm a disaster. The other thing? I haven't talked to Matt about this, because I don't want to add to his troubles now. Though I'm pretty sure he can guess what's going on.