Another day another dollar

Okay at least today was better. I woke up feeling good. In fact I felt totally normal. It was great while it lasted, but sure enough the weirdness kicked in while on the road to work. I just started freaking out. Really nervous, and feeling like I couldn't do the drive over 9 again.

I did and I was fine, and eventually calmed down a bit, but when I got to work, the nerves started up again.

Luckily the day at work, went by without any major issues. I had the balance problem a little but for the most part today, that's pretty darn good. I can't feel it a little tonight, but mainly what I'm dealing with is dizziness.

Actual dizziness. It sucks. It's been happening off and on all day. Even at work. After dinner it hit me the hardest. It goes away for a bit, but then comes right back when you least expect it.

I took a nap after work, and I'm happy to report I actually slept without issue. I woke up dizzy a bit and a little off balance, but that got better with time. For some reason though, I've been feeling sad since then.

I'm realizing how lonely I am. I have two friends but we never hang out. Life and anxiety get in the way, and it makes it impossible to meet up these days. I would like to meet a new set of friends too that are interested in art. I would love to be able to have "art days" with them and have live people to talk to about it not just online friends. Someone I can connect with and do things with. Of course the anxiety would have to go away.

The other issue is, I've been thinking again about a family. It's a little strange, but I have this feeling that something is missing. Like I almost want a family to raise. I feel like I'm missing out on something in life without having kids.

OBVIOUSLY I shouldn't have them due to my inability to care for myself, what makes me think I can care for a child? It would be stupid for me to do so I'm sure. The other issue is, I pretty positive we can't have kids, without fertility help, which I'm not willing to do as I don't want a litter of children, nor can we afford it. I guess someone is telling us something huh?

It makes me sad to think I probably won't know what that is like, and I really would miss having a family around, but what can you do? It's been 4 years and nothing.

Then I get sad, that I'm such a disaster. Earlier I was looking through old pictures, and it was depressing seeing the happy child I used to be, and now look what I turned into. Well I wasn't always happy I know, but in the pictures I sure look like I'm having fun. Besides I was talking about the ones before the divorce.

I look at all the pictures and think how I miss the time when I felt normal physically. When I could stand and talk to people without feeling like I'm falling down and then start to panic, when I could lay down without an issue, and wake up without balance problems. I think that plagues me the most right now, not being able to sit, stand or lie down without feeling like crap.

I know I'm not supposed to do this, but I was searching online again about dizziness issues and came across a do not panic forum and so many people described what I had. A lot of them (after extensive testing) feel it's now all anxiety. For the most part I can agree, but there is the smallest bit that feels "what if" it's not? How could it be, when it comes on at times I'm previously okay? Why and how could anxiety cause one to feel like they were rocking in a boat just sitting on a bed, couch or chair? Do this make any sense? Not to me.

I suppose a meltdown is right around the corner. I can feel it coming on the last two days. Maybe it's hormonal, I don't know.

I did do better today and that is good, plus Fancy Feathers seems a little better too, as he actually limped out from his tree house to see us today. That made me feel better.

Wish me luck tomorrow. I'll need it to get through another day at work. I sense that I will have a talking to, now that the office manager will be in. I'm toying with the idea of coming clean about the anxiety. I still haven't figured out what to do, in the end I guess I probably won't say anything, but who knows...

Sit Fear down next to you and give it a hug

Ugh! I'm tired of this crap! I've had some form of anxiety almost the whole effing day today.

I woke up fine. Not even all that tired considering the fact that I went to bed extremely late. On the drive to work I felt fine, well except for some lingering stomach issues from yesterday, but that really wasn't bothering me too much.

I was even driving. Everything went fairly well, until we got within a half mile of Adobe. Then the anxiety started. I didn't even have to chance to feel good for a bit a work and then have it hit like it normally does. Nope I felt like crap, basically the whole time.

I was having major balance problems sitting in the chair and standing talking to people, and walking even. At one point I was in the kitchen talking to a friend, and I just had to escape as it felt I couldn't stand anymore. Same thing happened while talking to a client in the lobby. I made a hasty retreat to the outdoors and felt a little better.

Still nothing would take this away today. Then to top it all off, the mother of all anxiety triggers happens. Sure enough around 11 I hear sirens roaring down the road. Normally I would have hopped that they were just in passing, but the call from 911 came in to confirm my worst fears. Yep, by the time they roared up to the parking lot, I was shaking from head to toe.

I immediately ran out to the car, leaving a very confused co-worker I'm sure. All I wanted was to escape, because I just could not deal with that horror today. Not when I was feeling so shitty to began with.

Matt tried to calm me down, and it didn't really work, but I did manage to go back upstairs to my post, only to leave 5 minutes later, with a false excuse about needing to run to the bank real quick.

I just had to leave. Sure enough as soon as I scoot past the ambulance and exit the parking lot, I feel better. Hiding in the Walgreens parking lot away from the scary scene, I began to calm down.

We went back about 10 minutes later, but only after I saw that the ambulance left. The firetruck was still there, but I figured the worst must be over by now. I feel like such a sissy. Especially after hearing what happened, and now I feel bad, that I was panicking when the poor person in question was by far much much worse off than me. How could I be self absorbed?

Granted I wasn't part of the activities downstairs so I never witnessed anything happening, but I really feel bad, that a person was in such distress, and I was freaking out. What right do I have?

Anyway, after that disaster, I managed to calm down a bit, and eventually got through my shift without any major issues, but even leaving I was really feeling the balance problems bad. Getting in the car was hard, as was walking and standing.

We had to go to the store to get food for the rooster, and upon arrival, I thought I was going to have a really bad time, but when we went into the store and got his food, I did surprisingly well. I felt pretty good at the park too. I drove home, and except being famished I did alright.

Then after lunch I started having issues again, which have pretty much stayed with me, the rest of the night.

In order to combat them somewhat, I did the dishes and made dinner and I felt normal. But it comes on again, just as fast as it went away. The weird thing is I'm extremely sensitive to movement of any kind. Sitting on a couch, chair whatever, if I move ever so slightly I feel so crappy. It's like a balance, falling and pushing feeling all at once. Once I settle it will subside, but the initial movement is really weird.

For instance, I was reading an article on Marilyn Monroe this evening. I was lounging on the couch, half reclined, leaning towards the left. I was in that position for quite awhile, and felt good. When I moved to get up though, oh boy. I had to stop for a bit til the world felt still again. I really really hate this. I cannot figure this out, if this is anxiety or not. Are these sort of normal sensations that I'm really overreacting too? Or is something actually wrong?

Besides that, I really need to address another stresser in my life, and that is my job. I'm seriously thinking of quitting. I know this wouldn't be good money wise, or even financially for the cats, as I have a pretty big discount, but I just cannot deal with my current position.

Today I woke up thinking, "oh god, I can't believe I have another 4 effing days of this until I get off." That just isn't good. I cannot stand my supervisor, I don't trust her one centimeter. I've known her a looooooooooooooooooooooong time, and I know her past history and I know the trouble she's caused for people. I abhore the fact that she now is in control of my fate at work.

I also know that I will probably be put on probation tomorrow or very soon, due to my attendance issues. Some of which are not my fault, such as last week when Matt injured himself. I do understand that this needs to be addressed, but I'm not looking forward to the unpleasant discussion, and had she been a nicer person, I would feel like I could talk to her, but I can't bring myself to stand up to her, without sounding weak. Plus I really feel it would be helpful If I could explain my anxiety issues, but I fear that will be another notch in an already long list against me. They don't need more excuses to get rid of me. By back issues is bad enough.

In addition to all this, I'm feeling sad today, as I can't help remembering how things used to be with myself, and between Matt and I and knowing I will never be the same. I want a certain life that I fear I can never have due to my anxiety and or physical problems.

These are a lot of words today, and I have much more to spew, but It's getting late and this post is long enough, so let's hope things are better tomorrow....

I really need to meditate every day and do my pranayamas and listen to Sri Sri. Everytime I listen to him or the music from the class, I can't help remembering a time that was filled with hope. I felt so much better after taking that first class. I loved the spiritual closeness, the bonding, the singing, the meditating, and the inspirational words spoken by Sri Sri. A lot of times he spoke of things directly related to my issues.

I want to give my fear a hug like he says, but what do I do when it's so out of control, that it's hard to grab hold?

Oops!

I missed yesterday's post. Oh well, not much was different from today actually. Same ol balance problems.

Yesterday they started after waking up and lasted throughout the morning until we left to check on Fancy Feathers. We stopped at the post office first to get a package and while waiting, I felt horrible. It totally felt like I couldn't stand, and the longer I had to wait the worse I was.

By the time we got the package and to the car, I was pretty worked up. It was especially hard because I had to drive, because of Matt's injury. We went over hwy 9 and for a while I was thinking about getting scared, and almost thought I wouldn't handle it on the drive over. Just like the old days.

The drive turned out fine, and once we got to the park I was starting to feel better. I was still a little off at first, but then it just went away. By the time we left I was normal and feeling good while we went to Safeway. I felt totally fine! So weird. Bad at home, good in the store. Whatever.

The rest of the night went well, and I woke up this morning feeling decent. I had some anxiety at first, and a tiny bit of balance issues, but it totally went away by the time we got up. I was doing really really good today. I went downstairs and did some artwork and felt totally normal. Then right before we were going to leave to get burritos, It hit again. It actually came on as I was doing the finishing touches on my collage. Not sure why, but when I got upstairs It was worse. In fact it continued to get worse, so I told Matt I didnt' want to go get burritos after all.

The problem was I really wanted them, and it's about 300 degrees in the house, so I really didn't want to cook. We hemmed and hawed for a bit, but finally decided to get the burritos. Funny thing was I was okay. A little balance issue but hardly at all while waiting. I just don't get it.

It comes and goes so fast sometimes. When we got home, I was fine. Until, that is, I came up here to write on the blogs, now I feel as if I'm rocking on a boat during a monsoon. And I'm just sitting here on the couch typing.

I really don't get it at all. If it is anxiety, It makes sense that it comes and goes like that. I'm hoping and guessing that if there was something serious going on, the sensations would stick with me, all the time. Or at least most of the time. I don't know. I'm telling you though, I'm getting sick of this.

Please, I'm getting seasick already

Well. Things went bad after I posted last night. Actually it was fine, until right before I wanted to go to bed, then I started feeling the balance problems again. All I was doing was sitting in bed. Hardly a dangerous activity.

When I went to lay down though, oh boy. I really felt like crap. If I stayed still long enough the sensations would subside, and I did manage to fall asleep I guess, because the next thing I knew I was waking up when Matt got out of bed. I sat up surprised, and it was awful. I wish I could explain how the feelings were, but it's really hard. They were very strong, and had to do with balance that's about all I can say.

I had to get up and walk around and then played solitare on the computer for about 20 min. I actually felt normal again, so I tried going to sleep. It worked and I was fine, until I woke up this morning.

The sensations were there, but not as bad as last night. I got up to do the usual feeding of the creatures, and by the time I came back to bed I felt fine. In fact I was feeling really good while I searched around on Flickr.

It wasn't until a couple hours later, when the balance crap started again. This seems to be a pattern. I am fine after walking around in the morning. Come back to bed, fool around on the computer for a couple hours while Matt sleeps and then right before he gets up I start feeling yucky. Weird.

Anyway the unpleasant sensations stayed with me for my shower, and while getting ready. In fact I felt yucky for quite awhile. I ate lunch and luckily I was fine while sitting on the couch, but walking around and standing still were really hard.

Finally I decided to go downstairs and finish my collages. Well that did it. I was fine after that. In fact I've felt pretty decent the rest of the day. I do feel twinges here and there, and I think it's coming back on again, but so far it's pretty much stayed away.

I tell you though, I am sick of this. Just 3 months ago, I didn't have this issue so severe. I know I've had balance problems for some years now, but they were always the same. The symptoms didn't really change, as far as I can remember.

Now though it's insane. I feel as if I'm moving when I'm not, falling when I lie down, being pushed down or over when I stand up, like I'm on a boat in a storm while sitting in chairs, couches, cars, and beds, like I have a pressure cooker in my head that is threatening to explode when I stand up, and that I can't stand still without swaying or feeling like I'm going to fall down, especially while talking to people.

This is exactly how I'm feeling!!! There! I put it into words. All these things can and do happen at any given time during the day, no matter what's going on, or whether I'm feeling normal or not. In fact lots of times I will be feeling good, and then the next thing I know it kicks in. It's so very weird. Not to mention sad.

To top it all off, I'm now getting a weird almost spacey feeling sometimes. It's like I'm detached from reality for a bit. I know everyone will say this is that depersonalization stuff, and maybe it is, but it comes with the balance issues a lot.

Despite all this, I did mange to finish a couple collages today, and I started working on another that I started several months ago. I'm a little discouraged with that one, so I'm sitting the rest of the night out.

Now, If you'll excuse me I must watch my shows.

Not a bad day, just off a little

Well today wasn't too bad. Matt is doing much better, and I feel like things are returning to normal a little. I did have a lot of balance problems, though I didn't wake up like that thank goodness.

They started a couple hours after getting up while sitting in the bed blog reading. By the time I got in the shower I was having more trouble. Oddly enough I felt better after the shower, but then it started up again as I started doing stuff around the house. Then as is usual it sort of went away, as I got involved in my chores.

By the time we left to go to Matt's work, I was okay but felt slightly off. Luckily I did pretty well at his work, and then we went to HSC and out to dinner with my family. Both places I was having balance issues, but not too bad. Just hard to stand without feeling like I was tottering around.

At the restaurant, It was really hard at first sitting in the chair,because it felt like I was falling over, or on a boat or something. It did go away during most of the meal, but came back at the end.

It disturbs me a little because I view my family as safe people, so I'm usually pretty comfortable in their presence. Yet the past couple months, I've noticed that isn't always the case, and even with them I feel trapped and yucky on certain occasions.

To top the evening off, we went to Costco after dinner, and I did pretty darn good. I had a few issues, but it wasn't too bad. Yet, I never really felt at ease, this afternoon or tonight.

Right now I'm home, and feeling pretty good though, so we'll see what happens. Sometimes I'm fine in the beginning of the night and then later, shit hits the fan. I always find that odd, when I'm feeling absolutely normal and then 10 minutes later I can barley walk or sit in my chair.

So very strange.

Matt Saga day 2

Well, it's been an exciting two days. A lot has happened, so I will just touch on the major issues.

Basically now that Matt is injured, and unable to get around, I am having loads of anxiety.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the fact that all the responsibility is freaking me out. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind taking care of him, and the actual injury isn't that scary to me, it's just the fact that we have to depend on me. He cannot do anything.

That means I can't have any bad anxiety issues because who going to drive us, if I need to escape or go to the doctor? Me? Ha! Talk about pressure!!! And feeling trapped!

Needless to say I spent a good chunk of last night and this morning basically alternating between being scared silly and having meltdowns. I keep going down the road of, "why me? How am I going to cope I keep freaking out?, why can't I be strong? I better get a grip because what will I do if something really serious happens? I can't live like this, Why can't I be how I was before, when I was able to do anything and not freak out over certain situations?"etc.

I'm so worried about me not being able to handle it if something goes wrong. I feel like I would freak out and check out basically.

This morning for example, I started to feel really bad. I was feeling bits of that unreal feeling, having trouble walking, shaky etc. That happened after about 3 hours of intensive worrying about Matt, because every time he stood up from a lying position he would almost faint. That did it for me. What the heck would I do if he did? I probably would too out of fear. And that scares me even more. I know if I had to go get help, I wouldn't hardly be able to walk or function. I just don't trust myself.

I did not used to be this bad. Ever! I swear. I always had problems with medical issues, but I never had the feelings and sensations I do now. The ones of me being so out of control. What's scary is that they are so such real physical feelings.

I realize that I'm basically repeating myself in this post, but honestly that is what's going on in my head the last 24 hours.

I've felt crappy all day too because of the stress and lack of sleep this morning.

Anyway I hope things get better soon, and I feel like such a selfish you know what writing all this, thinking I should just concentrate on Matt and getting him better, which I really am doing on the outside. On the inside however I'm a disaster. The other thing? I haven't talked to Matt about this, because I don't want to add to his troubles now. Though I'm pretty sure he can guess what's going on.

Oh what a day!

I'm exhausted, and really don't feel like writing this post. I write more tomorrow, but the main highlight is Matt either sprained, twisted or broke his ankle while running today. We aren't sure since he didn't want to go to the doctor.

I'm Basically having anxiety since I am the one that I need to rely on now. He is unable to do anything, and that makes me nervous knowing I have to completely responsible for the both of us.

I write more tomorrow. Hopefully he will feel better.

A mixture of feelings today

Today I didn't wake up dizzy or off balance! Instead I woke up half deaf. My right ear was completely plugged, and it was such an uncomfortable feeling. I really should have put those drops in last week, and done what the doctor told me, but I was such a sissy about it.

I was afraid it would make me feel worse, like when I had that testing done and they ran the water into my ears. Ever since then, I've been terrified about having water or anything drip into my ears.

Needless to say, now I had to use the drops. It was uncomfortable and it made it feel worse for a bit, but it turned out okay. After much fussing around I finally got my ears to clear. Thank goodness!

Oddly enough It never made me dizzy.

I was actually fine going to work and even working the first couple hours. Then the breathing problems started while eating my breakfast, not to long after that, the balance issues started in the chair, and finally the pressure cooker feeling. OY!

When I got off work, we went to see how Fancy Feathers was doing. Once at the park, I started to feel better. Naturally. We eventually found him in his tree house area sitting amongst a pile of zuchinni and sunflower seeds. He didn't seem to care for them. He's still in pain, but there's not much we can do if he won't let us catch him. I'm just glad he was still alive.

We went home after our visit, and I was feeling sort of funny again. Matt wanted to go on a motorcycle ride, but we were both pretty tired, so we took a nap instead. I was hesitant to sleep at first, as I could feel the balance issues coming on, but I managed to snooze for a bit.

Much to my surprise I actually slept, and I felt fine getting up. Very good. Though once I was up, I felt weird again, like I was almost dizzy but not quite, not sure how to explain it. Anyway, we then took Monkey on his walk, and Matt ran around the block a few times, while I stayed with the cat. I was okay with that, even though I felt a little weird.

When we came back home, we decided to take the motorcycle to the burrito place in Felton for dinner. I have to admit, I was nervous on the ride there. I kept thinking I would feel funny, or not be able to handle myself at the restaurant, etc. Well, once at the Taqueria I was fine. In fact I felt strangely relaxed in the building, and standing in line, and waiting for our food. So unusual!

The ride home I was much better, until the lid of the side box flew off on Hwy 9. I got nervous again, as it's tricky turning around on a two lane mountain road, and then retrieve the lid on the road, but we did it.

Now here's where it gets strange. Once home, I felt normal. Completly. Like that relaxed feeling came over me again, and I didn't have any balance issues or anything. It felt great! I even went downstairs to finish my collages, and I finished one, and would have done the other had it not got so late.

So now I'm still feeling good, though I did feel a little off balance while cleaning up, but so far it hasn't escalated.

It's time to start winding down anyway, as I work tomorrow, and need to get some sleep.

Will someone please stop playing the anvil in my head?

Oh boy. I have a major headache today. I woke up with a nasty tension headache thanks to the tower of pillows I sleep with so as not to feel too dizzy when lying down. I must have slept wrong because my whole body was in pain upon waking.

Thankfully I didn't have balance issues! I spent most of the morning wandering around hoping the pain would go away. It finally did in mid afternoon, so I went down to the studio and fooled around in there for awhile.

It was a weird art day. I was productive, but it was an effort to get it done. The process wasn't as fun as usual, and I got frustrated easily. I was doing ok, until I finished a collage, and then noticed I had paint on the girls face, since she is the main focus of the piece, I tried to rub it off.

Well I rubbed it off alright, right along with her face! So frustrating! I marched upstairs to reprint the image. I didn't want to waste a whole sheet of photo paper on images I already had, so I tried to create a new collage page to use up the space.

Oh my god, I hate photoshop! I spent over an hour effing around with those stupid photos and in the end decided to print the picture I actually needed by itself. Well, then I remembered I was out of ink. So I used Matt's printer and that printed like crap, and well it just got worse from there.

I ended up taking a brake and playing a game, which helped me relax so I could go back downstairs. This time it was more productive, as I managed to finish 2 other collages, and I have two that are halfway done.

They aren't coming along too easy and that isn't helping matters. Oh well, I'll try again another day.

Unfortuately I now have a lovely pounding headache, instead of the nice tension one earlier, so I'm really not feeling like doing too much else tonight.

I'm going to go watch my shows now. Oh yeah I didn't really have anxiety issues today, so that's good news!

Half an art day

Well, I did almost nothing again today. I spent the first half on the computer doing emails and the whole blog stuff. I didn't get a whole lot accomplished, but I did reconnect with two friends that I hadn't talked to in awhile which was really good.

After lunch we went over to the local gallery in Ben Lomond, to find out how/if I can get my work shown there. Well it turns out you need to enter your work into various shows they have. They are doing one now, that my work doesn't apply to, but the next one I can try.

I have to be a member, and Matt said I should sign up, so I will do that tomorrow. Then on Sept. 20th I'll go down and give them my artwork and see if they take it. If they do, then it stays in the gallery for a whole month! Pretty cool.

When we got home I was finally jazzed up enough to trek downstairs and make more collages. I did three tonight and I have another that is close to being finished. All in all not a bad day. I even had little anxiety. I woke up ok. Felt strange, almost dizzy when I first woke up, but getting out of bed was fine.

Just a few little incidents of balance issues here and there, but mostly I've been pretty good today. We even went to the store and I didn't have any problems in the aisles or standing in line. Even when Matt left me in line to go look for something I was okay.

I did feel off in the gallery though. Sometimes walking in the stores around here, the floors are uneven and that will set off the balance sensations. I felt like that in the gallery, though it could have also been nervousness on my part, since I was definitely anxious approaching people about showing my art. I also was a tiny bit afraid of feeling trapped if I got into a huge conversation with someone about the rules and regulations.

Anyhoo, it all worked out fine, and now I'm ready to put the finishing touches on the collages and then watch my shows.

A little lazy today

Hmmm...Not much to say today. Didn't do anything except fool around on the internet and go try to rescue Fancy Feathers and take him to the doctor. He was having none of that, so we came home, I made dinner and baked an apple pie.

I'm a little disappointed in myself because here I finally have a free day to do something productive, and I squander it surfing the internet. I could have had an art day. But for some reason, I have no desire this week to make art. I guess that day I did 6 collages, burnt me out or something.

I just got my art magazine in the mail today, and I plan to read it now, so hopefully it will inspire me again to go into the studio tomorrow and have another art day. Tomorrow we plan to go to the gallery in Ben Lomand and see what it will take to get my art shown. I'm pretty excited that I can do that now.

Oh yeah, and this morning I woke up okay. At first I thought I was going to have issues before I got out of bed, because I thought I was feeling dizzy, but it turned out alright.

In fact I've noticed a small change in my thinking when I get the balance feelings and other symptoms these past few days. I'm not as scared as I used to be. I have this kind of "so what" feeling about it now. I guess I'm figuring that after all this time, I've been surviving with these symptoms and nothing much is happening. It may have helped that I went to the doctor. She didn't act surprised by what I told her or hospitalize me, so I figure maybe I might be alright.

Honestly that's pretty much all that happened today. Pretty boring. But in my case boring is good.

Thank god it's Friday!

Woke up feeling good again balance wise that is. So nice! I did threaten not to go to work though, but I did. It is sooooooooo hard for me to get up and get ready that early in the morning. I detest the thought of it. I really need to find another job that is more interesting for me. One that I won't mind getting up early for!

Work was alright. Was by myself again, which is good in some ways, though it was super busy and by the end of my shift I was so ready to be gone. Anxiety wise I was pretty good too. I had a brief moment or two, but nothing really bad at all. I've even been sitting through my whole shift despite feeling like I'm on a boat when sitting in the chair.

That feeling isn't nearly as bad as it used to be, thank goodness! Other than that not much else happened. I went to therapy after work, which went well. And then we went to the park to find Fancy Feathers.

At first we didn't see him, but then we saw that he was hiding in the blackberry bushes. Poor guy. We gave him some food and water and he gobbled that up. Unfortunately by the time we found him it was too late to grab him and bring him in to work to check out his leg. I suspect we will try again tomorrow. He really needs to be seen. He can't walk at all, and I'm afraid he will be eaten if he can't get away from predators. Hopefully it will go well tomorrow.

Oh yeah I was real proud of myself at the park, because while we were there, a fire truck came roaring up to the camp again and this time I didn't even flinch. Even when the ambulance rolled up a few minutes later I didn't get scared. Total progress compared to last time!

We are home now and sounds keep setting off my dizziness, but I'm trying really hard to ignore it. I've managed to waste the night on Facebook (something I hardly do) and the art blogs. Now, I'm off to watch my shows. It's a little early but it's Friday night for me, no reason to get up at the crack of dawn, I figure I can finally relax!

Another Fire Hazzah

New day new post. Well. Today hasn't been bad. I got up feeling good again. Well, my ear hurt and was all plugged and I was super tired, and didn't want to go to work, but I really felt fine otherwise, and I did go to work.

Good thing too, because my co-worker called in so I was by myself the whole time. It was actually nice, and I had quite enough to keep busy, so I didn't have too many chances to worry much. I did have some balance issues sitting in the chair but overall, not bad.

After work we went to check on Fancy Feathers and he wasn't there. This is a little worrisome, as we don't know if he is hiding, was eaten, or was taken away by animal control because of his injury. We will try back tomorrow and hopefully he will be there. I sure will miss him if he's gone. He's almost like one of our own pets. I hope he is alright.

Oh I was able to take a normal nap today! I felt okay laying down and getting up. Woohoo!

We had a little excitement over here too. When I woke up we noticed there were planes circling the house, this means one thing. Fire. We watched them for about a half hour then decided to take the motorcycle down the rode to see what was happening.

We didn't have to go far. 1 mile down the road the Brookdale Lodge was on fire. Too bad. But luckily it seemed to only have damaged the back of the lodge and not the main building. It was classified a 3 alarm fire so it must have been pretty bad. We didn't get to see much as they were turning everyone around before the lodge. The road was covered in foam though and it looked like it had snowed.

The good news is it's out now, and it didn't spread up the mountain like they feared. Also I didn't panic. At all. In fact It was kind of exciting it a weird way. I wasn't worried about us being affected, even though we were so close. I figure it we have to leave we leave. I know where everything is now in case we need to go, so I'm ready.

Other than that, not much to report. I'm dizzy again, and sounds are setting it off again, but that' happens most everyday now, so what can I do.

I'm off to watch my shows now.

I really don't know what title to give this post...

I'm watching Some Like it Hot right now in honor of Tony Curtis who's been ill this past week. I just love this movie! It's always been one of my favorites, in fact I think it is my favorite movie. It never ever gets old. It sure is good to laugh and relax.

Oh and you will not believe this. I actually went to, and stayed for my doctors appointment today. I know! I'm flabbergasted as well. I announced to everyone, that I might just get up and go anytime because I was anxious, and what do you know, it wasn't that bad, and I stayed for the whole thing! The doctor wasn't my regular doctor, but she was very good with me. In fact I think I might switch over to her permanently.

The funny thing was I actually wasn't all that anxious beforehand. I didn't anticipate it like I normally do. In fact the whole time I was pretty sure I wasn't even going to go. Maybe that was why I didn't worry so much. I was mainly worried that I would worry and freak out once I was there, especially in the room with the doctor. I was afraid I would feel trapped. But I was pretty good. I think it may have helped that I told her right away about my anxiety and that I might leave. After that It wasn't too bad.

So, it turns out the balance stuff that I have been feeling lately may be partially due to the fact that I have a right earful of wax. Major like. In fact she wanted to flush it out then but I was too chicken to do so. Though I really should have, because as soon as she put that darn otoscope in my ear, I became partially deaf. She totally plugged up my ear, and now it hurts, and is super full feeling. I'm getting used to it though, and tomorrow I'll put the drops in that she told me to get.

It better work! Oh! And she also told me, to stay on my allergy medicine, because from the looks of me, I need it she said. So I ordered that again too.

I have been referred to a neurologist to check out my balance issues, since they have been happening for so long, and just to be sure everything is good. She said from what she can tell I appear to be normal and healthy. She did a few neuro tests on me, and I passed.

So anyway today was pretty good. Survived work, without any major anxiety issues, woke up feeling pretty decent balance wise too.

Other than that all is well, oh except Fancy Feathers is injured. I'm really sad about that, he can't walk well at all, so tomorrow we will check on him after work and if he's still bad I'll try to take him in to work. We left him with tons of food and water today. we bought him a pail to put the water in since he has a hard time bending down, and hopefully nobody will take it away from him. I really hope he's okay during the night too, because he can't really get around to go to whatever hiding place he has.

Worry worry worry, that's what I do, even if it's not about me. I gotta run now, must eat my Lucky Charms and finish my movie!

I should have stayed in bed today

If I explained everything that was wrong with me today, I'd be here all night. I'm much too tired to do that, so I'll try to go for the highlights.

It started last night. Could not sleep thanks to extreme dizziness every time I heard a noise. WTF may I ask is that crap? Finally fell asleep near 3 am. Not at all good when one needs to wake up at 6 am.

Needless to say I felt like poop upon waking. Very tired, balance off a little, headache, sore, out of it etc. Against my will, I went to work. For the most part I was okay. Felt horrible, but got into the groove and had a little anxiety. Mainly balance problems sitting in my chair and standing/walking in the beginning. After my break things settled down, and for the most part felt pretty good. Well as good as expected on less than 4 hours of sleep.

Then I came home. Went to take a nap, and I felt awful lying down. Propped myself up more so I was pretty much sitting up, and managed to fall asleep for maybe an hour. Oh my gosh, when I woke I felt worse than before.

Any movements made me feel off balance and like I was still moving. For instance if I leaned to the side, my balance went screwy and it felt like I was still leaning/moving even though I was still.

That went on for a couple hours, really bumming me out. I got to the point where I would be sort of be okay sitting, but then I would get up to walk, and I would feel really heavy and lopsided, and like someone was pushing me over. It also felt like my legs wouldn't walk straight.

So I cleaned the bedroom and vacuumed the house and felt better. I still have it a little when I walk, but it's not as bad as before. Now if only this blasted headache would go away!

This sensation has happened before, and I did not freak out, but I did get sad. I really don't want to go through my life feeling like this. It sure will be depressing. I have to assume this lovely symptom whatever it is, will stay with me, like all the others have. I have never had something just go away completely.

I really hope this is anxiety.

Art Day!

I need to make this quick tonight, as I'm running late, and need to start winding down for bed, because I work tomorrow morning.

So I woke up feeling pretty decent. No major issues. Right around lunch time though, I felt like I was having trouble breathing, but that went away after awhile. So I didn't pay too much attention to it.

It's amazing but I actually went downstairs right after lunch and started doing my collages. I finished 6 of them today!! Well 4 were already started from last night, and two I started and finished all tonight. Not too shabby huh? I have another one resting right now, as I'm not quite sure how to finish it, so by tomorrow I should have a total of 7.

I just came up right now, and pretty much have been doing art since about 1:00 this afternoon. Obviously there were rest periods in there while I made dinner etc. but for the most part it was a heavy day of creating.

I felt fine almost the whole time. But just the last half hour or so I started to feel the balance thing again while sitting in the chair, and I still feel it now a little. It's driving me crazy, especially since last night it hit me out of the blue. I was watching my show and having a midnight snack when I realized how great I felt. Totally normal. I said to myself, this is the life. It was so nice just to feel good again.

Well, not to long after that,the balance issues hit. Couldn't sit on the bed without feeling seasick, walking was difficult too. I managed to watch my show some more, and then decided I might as well go to bed. Well I was doing fine, and actually falling asleep, until the cat woke me up. Once up I felt the issues return and then I got scared, so I tried walking around the house for a bit, and then got back on the computer to play some games. I didn't even pick anything out as I started to feel pretty good again, so I just went to sleep. I have NO idea what happened there.

That's why it's hard to believe it's all anxiety, because I was so opposite of being anxious when it hit. I felt great! So when it started up again tonight while finishing my last painting, I have to say I wasn't pleased.

I've been feeling pretty good today, so I really didn't want anymore issues. The bottom line is, I had a pretty darn good day, and a productive one too. Not only did I bust out a bunch of artwork (they are small pieces so it goes fast), but I also managed to do some cleaning and laundry too. Yea me for getting my chores done!

Okay, I've really got to get ready for bed, I'm so not looking forward to getting up at 6 am tomorrow. Yuck!

Did someone say fire?

Woke up feeling good again today! A teeny tiny bit of balance issues, but really nothing to mention, I'm not even sure they were really there, that's how small it was.

I really had a pretty good today. In fact I'm pretty sure you would be proud of me, for although there is a fire burning in our mountains only 2 miles to the west of me, I have not panicked. I calmly noted that we were right on the border of the evacuation area. Even though helicopters and planes having been flying by all day doing air strikes I have stayed calm. It's really no big deal, I figure someone will mention it, if it's time to leave.

Just in case though, I have packed a box by the door with important papers and my art journal. The cats we will round up too. I'm 99% sure we won't need any of these precautions, but just in case, I want to be prepared. It's not a bad idea anyway if you live in the mountains to know what you want to take should you need to evacuate for a fire.

As of now the fire is heading away from us thanks to the winds we've been having, which is great for us, but obviously not for the folks over there.

This is what is weird about me. I have a potential danger for real and yet, I'm not scared. Go figure. I guess it helps that it's moving along the mountain instead of down it. I'm more like, here we go again, because we just went through this last year with the Summit fire and the Bonny Dunes one back to back.

I almost feel like I should repost my fire safety 101 posts from last year. People that live up here really need to be extra careful about starting fires. Windy days and flammable objects=bad. There are too many clumsy incidents up here, 4 in my neighborhood alone! One of those actually started by a neighbor who's a firefighter. But that's another blog post for another time.

Anyhoo, after I packed my worldly possesions which I might aren't very many. Really most of our stuff is replaceable. Even pictures, now that they are all digital. I kept looking around thinking I must have something else to add. Do I bring my I Love Lucy DVD's or is that a bit much?

Okay back on track, after I packed my box, I managed to waste the rest of the day reading art blogs, checking my flickr account, and positing on my own art blog. All of a sudden it was 6:00 and I hadn't made it downstairs to paint yet.

I meant to have an art day, but I just wasn't very inspired. Which actually bothered me at first, but it's okay now, as I'm down in the studio as I write this, working on four different collages right now. All started tonight. I'm back in the groove.

But before I came down though, I was so antsy and bored I had to get out of here. So, we decided to go grocery shopping! To make it more fun we took the motorcycle. I figured I better start getting over my fear about that too.

Well we got as far as the end of town when traffic stopped still. Like vertical parking lot. We soon found out the road was closed. Bummer, I really wanted my burrito fixins too. Oh well, we decided to travel up to Big Basin to see if we could see any fire activity. Believe it or not we can neither see nor smell smoke over here. The wind is really blowing things away from us, which is nice.

Would you belive I made it all the way to the park? We didn't have to turn around this time! And even better it was tons of fun. I only had one moment of panic on the way back and I got rid of it pretty fast.

It was really strange because after the ride I was totally relaxed. IN fact I got so relaxed that I got scared at first because I physically felt my body untense. It was like I became a wet noodle or something. I thought I was going to collapse or something at first, but then I realized I was actually relaxed. Very weird! I'm not used to not being tense. It's a strange sensation for me now. How sad is that?

Alright that's my day, I'm heading upstairs to eat and watch my DVD's before going to bed.

Thank god that's over

Well. Today I woke up feeling fine. Hot dog! Very nice after the last two days. In fact I felt pretty good physically most of the day, until evening, but I'll get to that in a minute.

Today was Santa Rosa day. I pouted about it for most of the morning, but we left anyway. Once over the hill we stopped at Jamba Juice for nurishment. I was so worked up by then, that I had a meltdown, and we almost decided to go right back home.

Funny thing was on the way down the hill, I was really busy thinking about art stuff, but then we got to the bottom, and the anxiety kicked in again. The main problem was that Matt's sister and family were visiting from out of town, and I felt that there was too much pressure to show up, since they knew ahead of time we were planning on going. I didn't want to disapoint anyone. Usually we just show up unannounced, so there aren't any expectations with anyone. Plus she was leaving tomorrow, so if we didn't go he wouldn't be able to visit with her at all.

Once the tears stopped, we decided to press on at least as far as San Francisco, where we could still have a good time there even if we didn't make it to Santa Rosa.

Well we breezed right through SF and before I knew it we were across the bridge. I was pretty ok with things, as I was busy scanning for a book store so I could pick up an art book that I really wanted. I figured at the very least it would help keep me busy on the drive.

Well by the time we hit Petaluma, no book stores were spotted and I was nervous again. I really wanted to turn around but Matt kept pushing me to keep going. Since I wasn't freaking out yet, I decided to give it a shot.

I have to say, that most of the drive I was more worried about being worried, rather than having any actual anxiety symptoms. I had a few, but they really were mild. I was mainly scared I would get the bad symptoms and then not handle it well.

I'm trying to make a long story short but it's not working well at all. Basically we made it to Santa Rosa and of course I got super nervous. We wandered around Sebastapool a few times, and finally made it to the house. It took me FOREVER to actually walk up to the gate, as I kept chickening out every time we approached it. I was so scared something bad would happen as soon as we rounded the corner and then I would be trapped in a sea of family members.

Matt and I agreed ahead of time, that if I needed to go, we would leave right away. All I had to do was tell him and we would go. Even if it didn't sound urgent, (because last time he didn't think I really meant it when I told him and it took 45 min to get out of there).

Well. Let's just say it took over an hour to get out of there this time. I kept telling him I wanted to go and we would make a move to leave and then someone would grab us and start talking and telling stories. I totally felt trapped! I wanted out and I had to stand and listen to all these conversations. Obviously this usually wouldn't be a problem, but with anxiety, I start to feel unable to stand and totally wobbly, when I'm talking to people especially while standing.

It got later and later, and I felt more and more anxious. Finally I got to the bad point symptom wise, and I was near tears, and still we couldn't get away. I was very frustrated, because this was the main thing I was worried about while visiting his family.

It's why I'm so scared to go to his parents house, because it's so darn hard to leave. I always feel trapped. I know I faced my fear and it's good that I did, but man it was too nerve wracking. There has to be an easier way to do this.

As soon as we left I burst into tears, because I had worked myself up into a such a lather. I was also somewhat irritated at Matt, though not really mad, because I understand the position he's in and how hard it is. But I felt that we made a deal, and he didn't take me seriously.

On the ride home we had a lengthy dialouge about this. He feels like he was trying to push me to face my fears, and I felt that I can't trust him to help me when I need it (At least in this situation).

The bottom line is we agreed that it's probably best that I don't go to Santa Rosa anymore. It's just too difficult and there are more important things to fix right now.

Which is fine with me, because honestly I was thinking the same thing. No more trips up there until I am better able to deal with my symptoms. The whole day is so stressful and now I have a pounding headache and I'm exhausted.

I did it though, and that does need to be celebrated.

I'm so darn tired

Because I've pretty much been up since 4:44 am, I'm totally exhausted, and do not feel like writing a very thorough account of my day.

Basically I woke up crappier than yesterday balance wise. No I did not go to work. Again. I hope I still have a job when I finally do come back.

As the morning wore on and after endless art blogs, I finally began to feel better. I attempted to fall asleep again around 7:30 but I was dizzy and having nightmares. I woke up with major anxiety, but by some miracle I somehow managed to fall asleep almost immediatly for another hour or so.

When I got up, I felt better balance wise, but then I had major depression/meltdowns. After my nightmare which was about Matt hating me, and trying to hit me, I didn't want to talk to him about my anxiety problems. This is a big problem for us, as I always want to withdraw from him, when I'm really scared. I'm afraid that If I tell him what's going on, he will get sick of me, and one day will actually leave, because he's so fed up. And honestly I wouldn't blame him at all if that happened.


Anyhoo, we went over the hill for therapy which went well, and then I actually went to my doctors office to make an appointment and get exposure being in the scary building. I was super nervous, but I did it. I got my appointment for Monday at 3:30 and I managed to get my rx refilled too.

I'm not really sure if I can make it to the appointment as just being in the building was scary enough, but we will see. I hope so, because I know I really need some kind of peace of mind about all this nonsense that is going on.

Once the doctor crap was out of the way, we did fun stuff. Got a yummy burrito, more string gel, and went to the park. We didn't see Fancy Feathers, ( I think it was too late), but we did go on a walk/run which we haven't done in forever, and then wandered in the creek a bit.

All good fun. And I felt pretty good through out the day. Once the doctor visit was over, I was feeling pretty groovy. I did have a moment at in and out burger while Matt went to the restroom though. That is still very scary for me for some reason. It's so crazy, but I'm so used to being with him (or a safe person) I guess I have trouble even when he's gone for a few minutes. Which is rather embarrassing not to mention weird.

I did a little drawing tonight, nothing major as I'm too wiped out to even think about starting another painting right now. I really wanted to, especially because we are trying to go to Santa Rosa tomorrow, to see Matt's family (Gretchen and family are here right now), so I won't have any time to paint until Friday. Oh well not much I can about that.

Well what do you know, I managed to write an account of my day after all. There's no stopping me once I get rolling I guess.

Keep your fingers crossed that we make it to Santa Rosa tomorrow. I really don't want to upset anyone, if I chicken out again.

This morning wasn't so great either

Oh boy. Well I woke up today feeling terrible. My balance was completely off and is was super hard to walk. I was half asleep and I don't think I was having anxiety awake or in my dreams so I can't figure out why I felt so awful. Except that I was feeling bad last night, so I guess it must have carried over.

I'm sorry to say, that I called into work today. In the morning I was super scared of how I was feeling, and I wasn't about to deal with that mess at work. The good news is, I started feeling better after I called in and eventually I was able to fall asleep again.

When I woke up the second time, it was much better. Few! I did have some troubles going from sitting to standing position and walking around though. I also was feeling the balance/swaying thing while sitting in bed reading blogs, so when we officially got up, I started cleaning the house, to get myself moving around and distracted.

It worked. I felt normal again, and got a lot accomplished. In the afternoon we headed over the hill to pick up some art supplies, and go to my parents for dinner. I was feeling crappy at first in the car, (the motion and turning on all the turns was making me feel seasick). Even when we stopped at the park to feed Fancy Feathers, I still wasn't feeling that great.

We didn't stay long though, because we had to get a move on in order to get to my mom's on time. I think had we spent time there, and walked around in the creek or went for a hike, that I would have felt fine when we left.

In didn't matter too much, because next we went to Joann Fabrics, and lo and behold, I didn't have any problems while I was loading up on canvases and paper. Same thing for Michael's. Even standing in long lines at both stores, I was fine.

I felt great the rest of the day and night, and even now I feel pretty good. So go figure that out.

Today is a non art day, but I did spend lots of time representing myself on the blogs and art groups I belong too. Sometimes I think that is just as important as making the art itself. It's good to get your name out there.

I'm at the point where I almost have enough work to show in a gallery. Right now my canvases are off being photographed so I can make prints of them. It's weird but I miss them. The living room seems so empty without them.

I will try selling the prints online and see how they do. If all goes well, I will think about expanding my options, and possibly approaching other galleries around the area. For the first time in my life, I feel like I've found some kind of niche for me. Maybe this was what I was meant to do?? I really feel that I'm finding my style and that I can possibly make this work. Let's hope so!

ICK!

I don't even know where to start. Today was crap. Simple as that. I started out okay, believe it or not. Woke up feeling pretty good, just tired, but no balance issues. Made it to work on time even. Felt pretty good at work until I took my break. When I got back, the balance issues kicked in.

All of a sudden my chair might as well have been riding the waves. I felt like I was swaying all over the place, and any movement, especially sudden set me off. To my credit, I managed to get through the next 2 hours 45 minutes without too much trouble. I tried to ignore the unpleasant sensations as best I could, and carried on with my tasks.

Well 15 minutes before I got off work, It kicked in hard. I tried standing up, but that was almost worse. I felt like I could hardly stand. I was starting to panic, and the time just wouldn't go fast enough.

FINALLY 2:00 rolled around and I zoomed out of there as fast I could. We drove over to the park, but it was pretty crowded, so we decided to just go home instead. This was my mistake I believe.

Going to the park, grounds me I think. It brings me back to reality, and being in nature and walking the creek and feeding the rooster is something I really look forward to. It makes me very happy, same as doing art. I ALWAYS feel better after we go there.

Today especially I should have gone to curb my mounting anxiety, because sure enough on the way home, it hit hard again, and for the first time in a long time I was really nervous driving hwy 9. I was nervous just going home actually. Usually home is a safer place, but today it felt like I was getting further and further away from "civilization".

I could not calm myself down for some reason, and even when we got home, I didn't feel better. I had plenty of things I wanted to do with my art, but I just couldn't relax. I tried surfing the blogs for awhile, and I thought that helped a little, so I tried taking a nap. Huge mistake lying down was.

I immediately popped back up and started surfing blogs again. Oh wait, I searched online for anxiety and balance issues. That's right I read about that for awhile, made myself sad and then searched the blogs.

Well, eventually I calmed down enough, that I tried to sleep again ( I was super tired btw), and it sort of worked. I did doze off and on, but mainly I was worried about how I was feeling or how I would feel when I had to stand back up.

As anticipated, when I stood up my balance was all screwy. I felt like poop. I started fussing around the house a little and it started to go away. I got back on the computer and wrote my art blog and visited others, until dinner time.

We took the cat for a walk after dinner, and I was finally feeling more normal. When we got back, I started fooling around with Photoshop and that took ages. I never did make it downstairs to do another collage. Oh well. Hopefully tomorrow.

I'm still feeling weird at times, and I have to say for the first time in a while, I'm nervous to take hwy 9 again tomorrow morning. In fact I'm not feeling too special about things in general. The incident today really depressed me. I'm feeling discouraged about this whole anxiety deal again, and I totally feel like I'll never be the same.

It really makes me sad, when I think of how I used to be before I was afraid to be alone, and the agoraphobia stuff happened. Before Matt had to tag along everywhere I go.

Oh to have my independence back! It will be a so nice to be able to do things without needing him to be with me.

I sure hope that day comes back.

It's my Monday

Oh it was sooooo hard to go to work today. I was seriously tired this morning. The good thing is, that I woke up feeling good again today! The bad thing is, it didn't last long. By the time I got to work, I was feeling crappy.

I think I was just too darn tired, my balance was off, and it was hard to move around a bit. Luckily once I started work "officially" I started to feel better. It really helped that I had a lot of tasks to do today to stay busy, so while I still had problems sitting in my chair and feeling seasick, it didn't bother as much as it used to. I was able to sit most of the day, and deal with it.

The only time I really started to freak out was when Matt went to the hardware store. You would have thought he was across town, the way I acted, but no he was only across the street! The problem was he was in a store, and I felt that if I had to go in there in a panic to find him, I would feel too anxious to navigate the many twists and turns it has.

I almost went after him once, but then I got distracted with something and the anxiety lessened so I ended up staying.

Other than that I've been having off and on issues, with walking, balance, and the pressure cooker feeling today.

This afternoon my family came up here to visit, and we went to the local German restaurant and I had a hard time hanging out there. It was very hard for me to sit in a restaurant for two hours! Especially since the floors were slanted (all buildings up here have slanted floors that make you feel like you are falling), and it was about 397 degrees in there. No air conditioning! I was so uncomfortable from the heat, I think it made the anxiety a lot worse.

When we finally were set free, I felt better being outside, but then had troubles standing around and talking. I have such a hard time standing around in groups and chit chatting. I always feel like I can't keep standing and that I will fall. I was surprised though to find it happening with my family. Usually I'm pretty comfortable with them. But today, I just kept thinking how I would feel better once we got home.

And I did. It took me a little bit, but I eventually felt fine. And definitely, I felt good while finishing my collages. I finished two tonight! I was working on another but believe me it came out like crap. I actually covered it up with tons of white paint that will probably take about 3 days to dry.

I know I said the same thing with that other painting, but this time it's real. The colors just weren't meshing, and I found that I was making lots of pained expressions on my face, and feeling very uncomfortable every time I added a new color to try to "fix" it. It was weird, but I swear it was almost physically painful to be creating that mess. I had to put a stop to it.

I think I'll be able to fix it though, so I'm not all worked up about it, just grossed out.

Que Sera Sera

Oh lordy. Today was a battle. I am so being tested I just know it.

First today was Santa Rosa day. Fine. I woke up feeling good actually. I had a couple hours to kill , so I fooled around on the art blogs until Matt got up. Somehow between waking up and getting ready to go today, I started feeling bad.

It was almost like I was weak and shaky, yet I didn't feel crazy hungry or anything, so I tried to let it go, and got ready anyway. By the time we left the house it was pretty late, (Matt's fault) so we decided to just go and see how far we got. Our main goal today was at least get to San Francisco. We got over the hill, and I was still feeling off. The road made me seasick, and I just felt yucky.

Thinking food might be in order we stopped to get something to go. Well while waiting for our food, I walked to a garbage can to throw something away, and on the way back to the car, I felt like I couldn't walk anymore. That weird foggy feeling came on, and it was like lifting your legs out of something heavy, and everything feels unreal. Ugh.

Needless to say, I freaked out. We got our food and left, and I tried to eat just in case I needed it, but I was too nervous. At Palo Alto we got off the freeway and went to a parking lot so I could walk around. I was fine there, but still felt shaky and weird, so I called off the San Francisco trip and we decided to go do the only thing that always makes me feel better. Go to Rooster Park.

Too bad he wasn't there. Oh well. We still had a good time walking through the creek, and as you can imagine, I was fine. I felt so good that I decided to go to SF after all. Well, after we stopped at the art store and got a tube of paint of course.

Apparently our car feels the need to deposit something along 280 every time we head to the city. Maybe it's some kind of offering, I don't know, but last time it was the bike, and today it was part of the car.

Unfortunately we were driving in the fast lane, when we heard a very strange sound and felt like we ran something over. I looked back and thought I saw bits of tire fly by. Major panic! We were stuck on the freeway. I found out today that people do stupid things when they panic. You see we were pulled over to the left of the fast lane. Not much room to move around over there, and what do I do? I open the car door to GET OUT! It wasn't until an angry driver honked at me, did I realize just how close those cars were whizzing by.

Gee whiz, I can't believe how stupid I reacted. All I wanted to do was escape. I was super scared at the thought of being stuck there. Had it been on the right side of the road, it would have been easier, as it's wider and you can walk off the road to the nearest exit.

After all that, it turned out to be something underneath the car that came loose and was scrapping along the road. So we drove to the exit and pulled it off and all was fine.

Just in case you are wondering, yes we did make it to the city after that, and even after hitting traffic right before 92, I still made it, and we had a really good time. We took lots of photos for my art. I think I have a slight obsession with doors and windows now. I've got a bunch of ideas for them.

Then we came home. I had a bit of trouble at the burrito place on the way back, it was hard to stand, because of balance, but I was ok later.

The only issue I have, is that I'm really having balance trouble now. Even just sitting here on the couch. Every movement I make, I feel it like a 100 times more. It's making me seasick.

I was just downstairs finishing a collage, and even then, as I was standing I could feel it, and that doesn't happen. Usually with art, I'm fine. So I'm not happy about this.

Other than that though, the day was good and productive and I'm really glad that despite my major meltdowns earlier, we still made it to the city. Major points today!

Oh yeah and the collage I'm doing right now, is called What will be will be or Que Sera Sera. I got the idea after Jeff said that in a comment and I loved it, because it's so true. I knew right away I would make a collage around it, and I finished it tonight. Maybe I'll bring it to my session this week...

Oh me oh my

Right now I'm either regretting eating Top Raman for dinner, or Mcdonald's for lunch. I seem to be ill, so this will be a very short post.

Today was good. I woke up feeling great again! Yeah me. We were planning to go to Santa Rosa today, but then I found out about a scrapbook expo, and well I don't think you need to guess which choice I took.

The expo was really cool. Had some issues getting into the joint, because of very long staircases, that I was afraid to go down, knowing it would be very hard to get back up. We ended up walking all the way around the convention center to get in the front door. Which was good exercise if you ask me.

Once inside I was pretty nervous the first go round the room. It was really hard because it was crazy crowded and the booths are small and narrow, and well that just set off my anxiety. The cool thing though, was since I wanted to be there and I was interested in everything, the anxiety went away by the second time around the room.

By the time we left I actually went UP the big staircase TWICE. Well the first time was by accident thinking it would lead to the parking area, but it didn't. I did it again, with almost no issue. Oh yeah we even had to walk on an overpass thing, high above the ground to get to the garage, and I managed that a few times too.

The funny thing was that at first we almost didn't go because of the heights, but thank goodness we did, because I got tons of loot for my collages. I'm pretty excited about this. My Anne of Cleves collage came out well I think, and I've got two more started, which should be done later this week if all goes well.

My goal is to be able to show these things somewhere. Most likely our local gallery, since I don' t think Ben Lomand is going to be too picky, at least it doesn't seem so after you see what they did to the outside of their gallery. Ick. It's a start anyway, and I need to start small, so that's my goal. I think I've almost got enough work to approach them now, so I'll be looking into how to do that pretty soon.

The rest of the day so far has gone fine. I've been doing pretty well managing my anxiety symptoms throughout the day, and really that's all I can ask for right now. Well that, and not to feel sick. That would be good too.

Thursday is procrastination day

As usual I'm waiting for a painting to dry so I can add the next layer, and I thought why not get my blog post out of the way?

Well today I managed to do a whole lot of nothing. Woke up okay again. At least balance wise. Felt a little off for about 3-4 hours in the morning, but it wore off by lunch time. It wasn't bad, but I just felt blah.

After lunch though I felt normal. Which was really nice. Especially since I had great ambitions of having a very productive art day. After last night's success, I was all ready to go. Yet... somehow, I procrastinated enough that I didn't get downstairs until after 9 pm!

I spent almost the whole day surfing around on art blogs, updating my blogs, flickr account, and joining new art sites. It was all art related, and even though it took up the whole darn day, I feel it wasn't entirely wasted. I am getting myself out there, people are starting to know me, follow my blog, and give me encouragement. Plus it's a huge inspiration to see other artwork.

Oh yeah, we did get out of the house today. I almost forgot. We went to the store, where I had no issues at all! I even wandered by myself. Then Matt had to go to the bank, and I wandered into the hardware store looking for wallpaper. Not that it was a big trek, it's right next door, but still I went by myself. Afterwards we went to the coolest antique store in town. I'm not usually big on antiques, but I was looking for stuff that I could alter, or use in collages.

This building is over 100 years old, and really cool, it has about 20 rooms, or so it seems, and a huge garden area all full of twists and turns and junk galore. You could almost get lost there, Matt and I want to make our yard and house like that it's pretty awesome.

I found a couple neat things there, and after about an hour we finally got back home. Now here's where things get confusing. While I felt fine, and was busy at the blogs again, somehow I had a meltdown. Matt said something to me, and I felt like he sounded angry, and all of a sudden I couldn't stop crying.

I hate that! Especially since it wasn't expected. But once it started, I started thinking all kinds of bad things. I'm ugly, not good enough, Matt would be happier without me, my anxiety is ruining our marriage, etc. You get the picture. It was a mess. I so didn't want to talk to Matt about it, and wouldn't tell him what was going on for a while.

When I finally did, I felt really stupid telling him what was happening, especially since I was so normal earlier.

It's all good now. I'm not sad anymore, I guess I just need to get that out, even though I didn't know I had it.

Anyhoo, I'm finishing a collage right now, for Anne of Cleves Henry the Eighth's 4th wife. I've been wanting to do this since last year during my Tudor obsession. For some reason I rememberd tonight and decided to give it a shot. It's not exactly what I was expecting, but I think it will be pretty cool in the end.

Covered in paint and glue

I'm totally excited right now. For two reasons. One I just made a really cool collage, and two , I am now friends with Tony Curtis on Facebook. I know! I can't stop shrieking. I was just watching him in the Great Race last night. How cool is that??

I found his blog too. Pretty neato, plus he will be in San Diego celebrating the 50th anniversary of Some Like it Hot, (like my most favorite movie ever!) in Sept, so of course I have to get over my stupid anxiety about traveling to go down there and see him.

Yeah so I have a little bit of Lucy Ricardo in me, when it comes to celebrities. I'm pretty sure I pissed off Mickey Dolenz and Peter Tork, and I know Martin Landau thinks I'm a nut. But that's a story for another time.

Anyhoo, back to my painting. It's pretty cool. I tried a collage technique I've been admiring for several years now. A couple of times I've tried mastering it, but I never really got it. Tonight I got it.

Know what it's about? Fear. Yep, It's called, "Face Your Fears". I'm going to do another fear one, and I have an awesome idea for it. I cannot wait, and I hope it works out. I would like to post it here, but I haven't put any pictures up on this blog yet, and I feel it might ruin the look. It will be up on my art blog tomorrow though for sure.

It was a lot of fun to make. Another one of those moments where you just create and don't think much, and everything comes out to your liking. I love that!!

Just because I am totally high on my creation right now, doesn't mean that today was a piece of cake. I did have anxiety. Most of the day. But it was mild. And I dealt with it.

I woke up feeling good again! Went to work, had a decent day. Anxiety symptoms less severe than yesterday. Had some balance issues off and on throughout my shift, but I managed them, and they didn't get out of hand.

I also, you won't believe this so soon after my session, but I asserted myself to my supervisor today! Jeff did you hear that? That's like 10,000 points rigtht there! It was hard but I stood up for myself and got my way. I have a feeling this will be an ongoing battle with her, as she seems to come up with new things to try on me on a daily basis.

I know she's testing me, and playing games and trying to control me. My guess is she will F with me enough that I will want to quit within the next 6 months. Just in case I'm going to start looking at jobs and see what's out there.

The rest of my day went without too much incident. When we got home, I managed to take a nap I think. I'm not sure how much sleep I got, because I was dizzy and kept waking up for various reasons, but I did feel a little more rested afterwards.

The only issue was I've had a lingering yucky feeling since then. It's mild, but just annoying enough to make me think about it more than I should.

Naturally it went away when I was painting, but the moment I stop, it all comes back.

These are the things that make you go Hmmm...

What is it this time?

Okay so I think I'm starting to see a pattern here. Yesterday was a great anxiety free day! Yipee! Today? Hmmm... not so much. I'm finding that when I have a really good day, the next day usually has some kind of anxiety issues, sometimes major attached to it.

Take today for instance. Woke up good! Always a plus. Went to work, everything seemed fine. About an hour into my shift, I stand up and, hello anxiety! Balance issues were back and I felt all foggy and it was hard to look around without feeling all weird etc. Whah!

Of course I started to get nervous. I worried about this for quite a while. Then about halfway through my shift it was no longer an issue. My head felt clearer and my balance was better, I could walk and look around ok. Whatever.

I was good the rest of the time. When I got off at 2 we went to the park and fed Fancy Feathers, then it was onward to therapy. I started feeling a tiny bit off, right before the session, but I was super tired too. Everything was going great in my session, until the very end. I probably should have mentioned this, but we were right in the middle of a discussion, so I let it pass.

What happened was, I was sitting there listening, and out of nowhere I felt like my world tilted on me. I had to grab the couch for support, and I was sitting! I didn't spin, but it was almost like I was going too. I can't even describe it, but it was almost if someone pushed me really fast and I fell over to the right a bit. A very strange sensation, that I'm pretty sure never happened before.

Naturally I had to worry about that for quite a while. And after therapy we went to electronic geek central because Matt was looking for some part for his robot, and I had a hard time in the store walking around and being near people. I felt when people or the isles got too close, it was like I was trapped and the intensity of the sensations would increase big time. This used to happen a lot in stores.

Today I'm sure it was because I was worried about what happened earlier. So I did the only thing I could do at the time, I broke out my cell phone and started playing a game. It totally worked! By the time we got to Petsmart, I was fine. Stood in line for quite awhile and it didn't phase me at all. Phew!

On the way home we stopped at mom's for some dinner and visiting with Karl's sister, and her kids. It was fun, and we watched "The Great Race" afterwards. Well Matt and I had to leave early due to the Dink and his insulin, but it was a lot of fun to watch what we saw.

I just love that movie, and it brought back so many happy memories for me. As a kid I watched it so much I can still quote the 2 1/2 hour movie line for line to this day. It's something about the actors and the time frame, and I really don't know what it is to be honest, but ever since I can remember I've watched the classics. I've always felt I was born in the wrong era.

Anyhoo, it was nice to see again, even if it was only partway.

As I write this, I'm again super dizzy, like I was last night after posting. Every darn sound sets me off, and it's very bothersome. This used to happen about 7 years ago, but It went away and I haven't had much trouble with it until now. Darn it!

I think I'll go downstairs and look at my collage in progress, to distract myself. Usually that will work for ahwile.

Thank god tomorrow is my Friday!

Feeling Groovy

Well, well, well today was actually a good day! Holy cow! Did I just say that? You betcha. I woke up feeling good. Miracle. Went to work, felt good and had a good day that went by fairly fast. Another miracle.

After work, we went to rooster park, and went for a sort long walk, well Matt ran, and I walked of course. We spent quite awhile there, did a little shopping (standing in line at 3 stores) and then made our way to the restaurant for my grandmothers birthday dinner.

I did really well in the restaurant, which I was sort of surprised especially since we spent two hours there.

We got home not too long ago, and I managed to catch up on some art discussions and blogs, and pretty soon I'll go watch my daily dose of tv.

No art tonight, it's a little late, and the mold down there needs to be disposed of before I spend more time down there. We found a bunch of black mold growing in our vacuum cleaner filter! And I vacuumed with it last night spreading it all over. Ooops!

That's it for today, pretty boring, but in a very good way!

I'm not grumpy anymore

You won't believe this, but I actually like my painting from last night. I know. After all that fuss yesterday, and even this morning I wouldn't look at it, when I walked by, because it irritated me so much, but then, I went to work on it again.

I didn't even change all that much. Just a few touches here and there, really helped. Even better is that about halfway through I had the brilliant idea to give it to my grandma for her birthday tomorrow. We are all meeting for her birthday dinner, and I know she will appreciate it. It needs to go to a good home. Though now, I'm actually going to miss it. So strange!

I'm working on a new collage tonight, but I'm kinda stuck and it's getting late, so I figured I best write my anxiety post before I get too lazy.

My issues today all started last night when I went to bed. I was super dizzy. Every little sound set off a new wave of dizziness, and it was very hard to sleep. Then the cat barfed on me at 5 am. Needless to say when the alarm went off at 6:00, I was not feeling too special. I was also worried about Dink, since he vomited, I was afraid to give his insulin if he couldn't keep food down, and I would have to give at 7:00 the latest, as we would have to leave for work then.

To make a short story long, I didn't go to work. I feel bad, but I just couldn't do it today. After I called in, I tried going back to sleep for a few hours and I must of dozed a little, but I certainly didn't get good sleep. I "woke up" 2 hours later, feeling worse than before. My balance was yucky, and I was exhausted. I should have gone to work.

Anyway today was mostly boring. Like I said I fooled around with art for awhile, checked out a few blogs, and played games. Lot's of coping skills today. I wasn't feeling all that great, but at the same time I wasn't bad. So hard to explain. All I wanted to do was rest and sleep, but every time I tried lying down, I would get crazy dizzy. Yuck!

I was feeling pretty blah, so Matt and I decided once again to get out of the house. It is very important I think for us to do this, even if it's just going to the store. If we don't, it's so easy to hide away in our woods, and become hermits. Eventually it get's lonely, and I think that's what I was feeling today. I needed interaction with someone other than Matt. (Not that that happened).

To make it fun, we decided to go on a motorcycle ride. I wanted to go so bad, but I have to admit I was nervous. And sure enough we hit the rode, and the dizziness starts again. Ahhh! I tried to ignore it, but as we made our way up to Big Basin, we get stopped at one of those mountain road lights, that only have one lane traffic. Basically I felt trapped. We couldn't turn around and we had to wait for the light to let us go.

Weird I know, but it threw me for a loop. We pressed on a little further, but right after the monk house, I told him to turn around. I just was getting more and more anxious. And it's not so much being scared of riding. I just don't know how to handle my anxiety on the bike yet. I can't do any of my coping skills, and even the idea of getting off, to try to relax isn't appealing, because once I start to panic, walking isn't easy.

We came back home, but still had a nice ride. It was fun, and I'm glad we went. And It broke up the day.

Not much else happened after that. After dinner I went back downstairs to paint, and breath mold. My goodness it's bad down there, I almost can't stand it. There is so much mold up in these mountains it's amazing. And it's not even wet right now!

Anyhoo, today wasn't too bad, but I did have to battle dizziness and balance issues a lot. Oh yeah at one point, I thought my heart was beating too fast, and I couldn't breathe well, but It must have gone away because I forgot about it.

Oh well. As the Monkees say, "Tomorrow's Gonna Be Another Day".

If I was one of the Seven Dwarfs today, I'd be Grumpy

Ack! Major frustration today. I woke up somewhere between feeling good and so so. My body threatened to have balance issues, and I did a little, but for the most part I handled them okay.

Now, we were supposed to go to to Santa Rosa today, but after last night all I wanted to do was art art art! I was so excited about my painting, I just couldn't wait to do another. Also I didn't want sit in a car all day, nor did I want to get home too late, because Dinky needs his insulin early tonight as we are leaving early in the morning for work. So we had to be home no later than 9pm. I just couldn't see that happening especially if we visited Matt's family.

In the end we didn't go to SR, for all the reasons above, and I wasn't about to complain. Now I could do more paintings! Strangely enough as anxious as I was to get started I managed to procrastinate for quite awhile, before I actually made it downstairs.

I started my collage with no apprehension. I totally thought I had the technique down. I worked and worked, absolutely positive this would be another masterpiece. I worked some more, and stood back to admire my brilliant creativness.

Once the screaming died down, I realized that what I created was not the masterpiece it was supposed to be, but an absolute disaster! NO matter what I did, it just wasn't coming together. I HATED it!!

I was so frustrated that I started to feel angry and then the anxiety came on. Not bad, but enough to put me in a mood. My frustration with my collage set off my anxiety! This is so not what I wanted.

It was time for me to stop, and step away for awhile. We needed to go to the store for dinner items anyway, so we planned to take the motorcycle to make it more fun. We got all dressed and ready to go, when Matt made some comment about not wanting to eat what we had planned for tonight. Honestly I could care less. I would have been fine fixing about 3 different things, but for some reason that set me over the edge.

All of a sudden I was picking a fight with him, and then I started getting anxiety about riding on the bike. I'll spare you the details, but it totally went downhill. I was so irritated that I had a mini meltdown. How embarrassing. Why the heck was I crying? I totally felt like a spoiled child, or a harpy, or something bad.

Matt and I talked a bit and decided that I needed to get out, so yes we will go to the store after all, but we will take the car. Fine. We went, we got our supplies, things were fine, until I was... you guessed it, standing in line. Boom! Balance issues galore. I had to hold onto the counter for support. The good news is, I managed to move and look around normally. Usually I feel like I'm in another world, but this time I was very clear.

By the time we walked out of the store I was fine. In the past It would have been a major concern whether or not I could walk out. I didn't have that problem this time, I felt that it would be okay and it was. Progress no?

Anyhoo, we got back home and I was still mad at my collage. The mere site of it, set my teeth on edge. I decided to browse art blogs to get some inspiration, but my heart wasn't in it. I really felt like a failure. I tried playing a game, but it wouldn't download for some reason. It just seemed everything was going wrong and that just added to my frustration.

Finally, I decided I might as well face this mess I made, and try to remedy it as best I could. I went back downstairs and worked on it some more. I thought it might be getting better, but then Matt came by and asked why I had ripped all the cool stuff off? Ugh! Now I had doubts again.

We fussed over it for another hour or so, but I was still displeased. I just couldn't understand why in the world it was coming out so wrong when I did exaclty the same thing as last night and got such awesome results.

Fed up, I hauled the offending collage upstairs and sat it next to the one from last night to compare them, and see If I can find what I did wrong.

Well, last's night's is still better, but there really isn't that much difference. And now that I look at them side by side, it's not really all that bad. Go figure.

I'm hoping tomorrow's a more cheeful day.

Oh What a Night

I think I just created the my best piece of artwork. I finally got the hang of the style that I;ve been trying to do, and I'm super excited about it. It's funny because I just didn't feel like painting tonight, I was too full and lazy from the huge burrito I ate for dinner, and it was too late. Like 11 pm. I was just getting ready to write this post and settle in to watch I Love Lucy. I did not want to start an art project.

Matt wanted to go downstairs though, and me being me, didn't feel completely comfortable with him down and me up, so I went, grumbling all the way.

Obviously It was the best thing I could have done. It didn't take long for me to get into the swing of things, and pretty soon, I had this really cool collage. I'm so excited about it, I can hardly wait til tomorrow, to take a proper picture and post to my flickr account and my art blog. I think people will like this one. I hope.

So back to the task at hand, and that is good 'ol anxiety. Well we met up a few times today. I did not appreciate waking up feeling off balance, but luckily it pretty much went away, by the time I fully woke up and started browsing the art blogs.

Unfortunately it came back with a vengeance when I got into the shower. I actually had to hold onto the shower curtian to keep my balance. Not that a shower curtain is very sturdy, but at the time I thought it was a life line.

It eventually went away, and we managed to carry on with our day without any major mishaps. I had a moment in the frozen food section of Safeway when I thought I couldnt' walk right, but a few isles down I was good again. Standing in line wasn't so bad either, it could have gotten way out of hand, but I managed to keep it at bay.

We then went to the burrito place where I had that bad attack last week, and this time almost no issue. I stayed inside and waited for our food, and we would have actually eaten there, but I had to leave for work in an hour, so I wanted to get home. Luckily for us we got home just in time for the meat man to come, and stocked up on our meat for the next year and a half.

I barley had enough time to scarf down my lunch before I was off to work. It was a small shift today, and it started out just fine. Then when I was filling a prescription, I felt like I was being knocked over, and the balance just went wild for a bit. As usual it simmered down, but it did keep popping up here and there over the course of my shift. Oh yeah and dizziness too. It all went away by the time I got home though.

And here I am. I Managed to lick anxiety again today, and despite some nasty balance moments I had a really good day. Now, I just hope tomorrow is as successful when we go to Santa Rosa!