Oh for corn's sake

Today was not as spectacular as yesterday. In fact the whole damn day pretty much sucked. I woke up great though. Stayed in bed searching blogs and other art sites, while Matt still slept. I was a little apprehensive about today wondering how I would be after such a great day yesterday, and sure enough the issues started.

They were mild, but still present, which bothered me. We had decided to go into Santa Cruz to look for art stuff, and while I really wanted to check out some of the stores there, I was a little scared. Still, I went, and didn't even have issues driving down there. On the way we stopped at a few thrift stores, and I was okay in them, but the balance problems were lingering in the background. I definitely didn't feel normal.

When we got to Santa Cruz however, my symptoms escalated 100%. We barley got onto the main street, when I thought I was going to loose it, so we went back to the car, and left. Matt said something about trying to use coping skills, but I was so far gone, that I just said we need to leave.

So we did. Obviously I felt bad that we left without doing anything, and that we wasted our time, gas, etc. Not to mention the fact that I was sad, because going to Santa Cruz used to be a very fun experience. It's hard to believe that going those 12 miles to the coast, put me in such a tizzy, but it did. I've panicked before there, but I've never had to leave like this.

We were both hungry so we stopped in Felton to get a burrito to take home. By this time I had calmed down, so we decided to eat the burrito at the park and then go back to Santa Cruz. I have to say, the thought of going back, was scary but at the same time, I felt so much better, that I thought I could handle it.

So we went back. At first I was okay. We wandered around the Greek Festival for a bit, then made to the main drag again. Our first stop was an art store, and upon first walking in, I was feeling pretty good. Then it hit again! Balance issues galore, can't walk, hard to navigate the isles, get around people, turn my head, etc. I wanted out, but we stayed, and I found some cool stuff. We went to a few more stores, and I had trouble in all of them.

The last store, I actually grabbed hold of Matt thinking I was falling/and or about to start spinning. Not sure what, as the sensations happen so fast, and are gone before I can really figure them out. All I know is there is a huge surge of panic, and I have to grab something.

We left the store soon after that, and really I wasn't up to any more of this crap so we went back home. Needless to say, I'm exhausted, and I still don't feel great. The symptoms are better, but they are still lingering, and won't go completely away.

I'm frustrated and sad. I can't figure out how yesterday can be so great, when I actually had reasons for anxiety, and today can be so shitty when there weren't any reasons at all to be scared. We had planned for a fun day, just to keep the anxiety at bay.

I really just want to be me again. I want to let Matt go on his own, I want to go on my own. I want my freedom as I'm sure Matt does too. I want to go on vacations, or away from my comfort zone without hassle. Hell, I don't even want a fucking comfort zone. I want to like my job, I don't want to dread going back to work for the next four days like I've been doing since yesterday morning. I want to go back to school. I even registered, but there aren't really any online classes that suit me, and It makes me sad to think that I can't attend classes anymore. This is my favorite time of year, I love going back to school in the fall, and I miss it so much.

I want to be able to run to the store, any store too, not just one a mile away from home, which I can't even do that. I want to be able to look at my wedding pictures and remember happy times, not get sad and depressed because of the person I've morphed into, and then feel guilty that Matt married me. I want to ride motorcycles without a care like we used to, I want to hike without fear of going to far, or without worry of where we are.

I want to feel like a person each day instead of some strange creature that has a ton of unexplained symptoms that pop up daily. I want to know that I can take care of myself, by myself, and that I can take care of others without freaking out. I want to be able to go to the doctors if I need to without worrying about how I will react. I want to be able to go to a hospital if I need to visit someone, or take someone there without uncontrollable fear. I want to not worry about the future and what if's all the time. I want to feel relaxed instead of tense and sore on daily basis. I want to drive alone again, anywhere, especially over the darn hill. I want to be able to fly again. I want to be able to stand and talk to people, anyone without fear. I want to not feel trapped all the time.

I want to be free!