Manic Monday

So I woke up swearing this morning. Don't get me wrong I felt pretty good, but the fact that 6:20 came along as fast as it did, immediately put me in a bad mood, and foul words came spewing from my mouth. My sudden bout of Tourettes wore off, as I woke up, but boy is it ever a shock to the system to have to get up so bloody early. I must have been a vampire in a former life, because I do not like the early morning unless it's when I am going to bed. When I was on disability, Matt and I would stay up til 4 or 5 every morning, and then sleep in til noon. Not good when it's winter and it gets dark 4 hours after you manage to extract yourself from bed.

Anyway work was okay for the most part. Anxiety wise I think I did pretty well. I had some rough patches, but for the most part it was good. It's hard to tell though, as I was in serious pain, due to intense cramps, so I was pretty miserable the last half of my shift. In fact I left a whole five minutes early because I couldn't take it anymore, I was near tears at that point, so I said fuck it and left. If I was going to be in pain, I wanted it to be in the comfort of my car or home or anywhere but stuck sitting at a desk answering phones.

I really shouldn't complain though, because I've been pretty good cramp wise the past 5 months or so, which is a miracle. It also makes me think that I don't need that surgery after all. In fact maybe I don't even have endometriosis, because if I did wouldn't I always have the pain? As usual I'm choosing to ignore the doctors advice and suffer because I'm too chicken to have surgery. Oh well. As of now, one day a month of excrutiating pain isn't enough to send me rushing to the OR.

On the way home, we stopped to see Fancy Feathers, and get this, he was out and about walking around the picnic tables again!!! It's been at least 3 weeks, since he's been able to come down from his tree house area, so naturally we are estatic that he is doing well enough to wander the park again. He is still limping and sometimes falling over, but he's definitely better, and we even saw him scratch around a little for food. This is really good if he can feed himself, because now we won't have to worry about him not having anything to eat. I really wish we could take him home, but he would make a fine dinner for our group of raccoons, skunks and coyotes out here, so I think not. Too bad.

I was a little dazed driving home, since I was still in pain, but finally we made it, and I was just sitting down to enjoy my time off and a sandwich, when Matt's brother called asking if they could come over and spend the night tonight. Oh lord, major panic time.

First of all, I was a disaster. All I wanted and needed to do was relax. The very last thing I wanted to do was do a major cleaning on the house, which is what it needed do to the various creatures that inhabit it on a daily basis, wild and domesticated.

The other issue was, I get anxiety really bad when his family comes over, because they always need to spend the night, and then I feel trapped. It is crazy I know, but I get scared because I feel embarrassed telling the family if I start freaking out, therefore I always keep it to myself and we all know how well that turns out. The other thing is what if we need to leave? How rude would that be, to up and leave guests behind? Crazy I know. But very scary to me now.

Anyway all these factors played a staring role for about 3 hours as various parties made up their minds about what to do. Finally we gave them the okay to come over. I could not say otherwise because then I would be keeping Matt from his family and vice versa. I didn't want to be responsible for them not being able to see each other. Too many times we have cancelled out on his family functions because of my anxiety, and I didn't want it to happen again.

In the end, they decided not to make the drive here due to bad traffic and the fact that it really is a long haul. The funny thing is by that time we had gotten a huge portion of the house cleaned and I was actually hoping they would come over. Ha. Now, I'm glad they didn't because it really is nice to just relax, and not entertain.

Needless to say, after all this hoopla I was exhausted, so I decided to take a short nap before dinner. Here's the thing though, after I found out about the in-laws possibly coming over, my anxiety kicked in and I felt funny walking around etc. Well after we found out they weren't coming, those sensations didn't lessen. In fact I was sitting on the couch trying to relax and read, but I felt very strange. Like I was moving, but I wasn't. Also I felt just a tiny bit detached. I was super tired though, so I thought I give sleeping a shot, thinking there was probably no way I would be able to lie down comfortably much less sleep.

Well I was wrong. The first initial lying of the head down felt yucky, but it very quickly went away, and soon I was sawing logs. And even better when I woke up, I felt 95% normal. It wasn't until I walked to the other room that I felt the tiniest bit strange, but that soon went away. This is progress of sorts. I haven't been able to take naps in over a year ( I took them everyday for years before), and now in the last week or two I've had, I think 3 decent ones.

So that brings us to now. We just finished dinner, and I am sitting in my room trying to relax further and writing my post. I feel pretty good, and I will sit here and read some more Somerset, and then watch my shows. No art tonight, it's been too hectic, but tomorrow I have off and I plan to work on a new journal. Wish me luck.