Maybe I'm hormonal

I'm only sort of kidding. I wonder sometimes if my hormones are out of whack, because lately I have been super moody, sad, angry, depressed, yet at the same time, I can have good days and be happy. It's like I'm riding a roller coaster these days.

Anyway this morning I woke up great again! Went to work, under protest and had a decent first 2 hours. After that, which usually seems to be my breaking point at work, I started having breathing problems, balance issues and the pressure cooker feeling. Oh yeah and I had some serious tummy issues. I won't go into detail, but let's just say I had to keep running to the commode. Not fun.

I was pretty nervous and antsy for the rest of my shift. It is so bloody hard trying to maintain while at work, it literally wears me out. And the weekdays are worse, because the commander in chief will be there, sitting right behind me. Ugh, I'm tired of being controlled and feeling trapped there. It sure isn't the same place I was hired at 9 years ago.

Needless to say, I survived til the end of my shift and we went to visit the rooster, and then went home. We were supposed to go to some stores to look for art stuff, but after yesterday's episode, my heart wasn't into it.

It worked out though because I was pretty hungry and tired and just needed to relax.

Too bad that didn't happen. See, when we got home, I had another tummy episode, yet at the same time I was starving, so I went to make myself a sandwich. Well, as I'm slathering mayo on the bread, Matt comes over with Dinky and sets him down on the counter to investigate the turkey that was going to part of my lunch.

I really don't think I was out of line asking him to please not set the cat down where my food is, but apparently I said it in such a way that Matt took as major "attitude". Let me just say here, again, that I really wasn't feeling well, and whatever I said was probably said with irritation, but I still don't think I was that mean about it.

Well, Matt did, and he let me know it, and then I got mad, and argued with him, and the next thing I know, he's outside because he's angry.

So I go out and try to find out what the big deal is, and he says he didn't want to be around my negativity right then. Well I can understand that, but I still don't think I was that bad, or any worse than usual. It really threw me for a loop that he was acting so upset, by the way I said that one sentence. This isn't like him, and usually he doesn't make such a stink about it.

For some reason this set me off. I got really angry and went back in the house, and totally lost it. I really wanted to punch something, but I was afraid to hurt myself, and then have to go to the doctor (trust me to think of this in the heat of anger), so I totally hit the shit out of my pillows on the bed. I couldn't hit them hard enough, so I went at it for quite awhile, by the time I was done, I was shaking and oddly, off balance.

That scared me, so I went out to the living room, where I could see Matt sitting outside still. I went back out, and we had more words, none of them good, so I went back inside and threw a plastic cup, totally not thinking that it would shatter in a thousand pieces all over the kitchen floor. Well that gave me something to do while I tried to calm down. Honestly I haven't been this angry in years.

So many things were flying through my mind. Mainly I that I should leave, and let Matt be alone for awhile. I think the anxiety is really getting to him, which is understandable and what I've been afraid of happening.

I also think I was mainly mad at myself, for having this anxiety, and letting it get so out of control, and not being able to accept it, nor deal with it properly. Also I feel guilty for him having to deal with this. He should have his freedom. Yes, I was irritated at his reaction, thinking he was overreacting, but I also know that it's probably one of those last straw kind of things.

I really feel out of control now, and I really think he would be better off without me. It just isn't fair for him to have to deal with this crap for so long. I can't even look at our wedding pictures anymore, because the guilt is so strong. I can't get over how he must have felt after marrying me only to find out 3 months later, that I was a complete lunatic. To be fair, I didn't know either, but still it sucks it came out after the ceremony.

We are talking again, but I still feel like I should stay out of his way. It's really weird for us to fight, because we just don't do it very often. In fact we never would if I didn't have anxiety. Sounds strange, but it's true.

After all the drama, I finally ate that darn sandwich, and then took a nap. Luckily I slept easily and woke up without issue. It's so nice to be able to nap again.

In fact I felt pretty good tonight except for some balance issues every now and then. We took the cat for a walk and I felt totally normal, it wasn't until later this evening that the balance issues started, but even then they were mild.

In fact, I just came from downstairs, where I just finished two collages, and right at the end I started to feel off, I'm not sure why, but I feel pretty okay now, so who knows.

Anyway tonight is almost gone, and I really must watch my shows before I have to hit the sack and start all over again.