Fear Factor

Oh my goodness, what a day! Let's just say I've been super productive now that I have my handy dandy chore list to do.

In fact I've been so busy doing everything on the list, that I haven't had any time for art yet. Sheesh. Matt says I should get more efficient as I get used to things, and I sure hope so. It seems I spent a lot of today using coping skills to get my anxiety down to reasonable levels.

I guess I should start at the beginning. I woke up feeling good again. Always a plus! Sat in bed reading blogs and answering emails/comments. I started feeling a little off about an hour before we got up, but it wasn't bad, just a little bit.

Once I was up and showered I started in on my to do list. First thing was first, make a grocery list for tonight's dinner. I figured if I had to run an errand, might as well make it useful and get dinner supplies. Well, then I started feeling balance and pressure problems.

What did I do? I used coping skills! I broke my brand new Nintendo and played Mario Brothers, it wasn't long before I was caught up in that and feeling decent again.

During this time, Psych #1 called me back and I made an appointment with him, yet I was actually waiting to hear back from another Psych. No sooner did I make an appointment with him than the other Dr. called. I really felt comfortable talking to her and she asked a lot about what was going on, so I actually booked an appointment with her for Monday night, and cancelled the other doctor. She is way pricey, but Matt seems to think it's worth it, so I guess we shall go.

Then I got scared again, so I played Mario which helped. I was hoping to get to the store soon, so I tried to load my ipod with my new songs, but it was giving me a hassle because it wanted to be charged. Fine, I charged it and while waiting searched for jobs. I actually found a few that looked interesting.

Started to feel balance issues while sitting in the desk chair, so I played Mario again. I was still nervous about the store though. During this time Matt had added my new songs, so I drove to the store with ipod in tow and the Lonely Goatherd song blasting.

Once I got there, the anxiety kicked in bad. I was so scared I couldn't get out of the car, so I played my game again. It worked enough that I felt brave to get out of the car, but the instant I got in front of the door, my body went weak, and I couldn't deal. I had to retreat on the battlefield I'm sorry to say.

I drove back home, and just leaving calmed me down tons. I wasn't mad at myself, as I fully expected this would happen. I mean come on, I haven't attempted to do this in several months, I knew it wouldn't be easy.

Unfortunately once I was home, I was still shaky and off balance. I was also hungry so I started cooking Top Ramen and then went to my room to do a few Pranayamas, it helped a little and it felt good to breathe deep and relax.

I read art blogs while eating, and felt a little better.

After lunch we went to the art gallery so I could join as a member and try to show my art in the upcoming show. I submit the pieces on Sunday, so we'll see what happens. Hopefully I'll at least get one in.

After the gallery we wandered to Scott's valley to the battery store. So very exciting. As we pulled into the parking lot, good 'ol anxiety came back. I stared feeling detached, and was afraid to go in. Well guess what I did? Yep pulled out Mario and started playing in the store while waiting for Matt to pick up his batteries. Totally worked! I was fine after that. In fact I started to really relax on the way home.

When we got back, I read the introduction to "Focus on the good stuff", and I really like it. I put that on my daily to do list, I figure it should help my thought processes. Anyway, while reading that I became super relaxed, like wanting to sleep relaxed.

I figured this was a great time to try the store again, so I did. You won't believe this, but I made it! I went inside, got my food, and paid for it! The whole time I wasn't that scared, but I kept worrying I would get scared, and wanted to get out real fast before that happened, so needless to say I didn't linger.

Boy what a relief!! I had the worst bit done, and it wasn't that bad. Since I was feeling so good, I told Matt he had to take the cat for a walk and leave me at home. I went halfway just to get a little walk in, but then I came back and started dinner, and I was home by myself for 30 minutes!

I was feeling great until I walked into the house, and then I stared to feel off balance. Well crap. Not much I could do, so I started dinner, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I thought a lot about the fact that I was by myself, but Matt was hardly far away and he had my phone, so really I was totally safe. Still I did have slight balance issues.

I did okay though, and except for a flour incident, made dinner without a hitch.

After dinner I stared feeling off again though, so I meditated. At first it was awesome, I totally felt relaxed and was loving it. At the end however, I was practically asleep, but every time I did one of those deep breaths in and out, I felt my balance problems again, then I started feeling unreal, which I think is pretty normal for meditation but since it's been so long since I did it last, I don't remember.

Anyway I had a teensy moment of anxiety, when I opened my eyes and after getting up, but then I did the dishes and all was well.

Few! There's a lot to write about. It's 10:30 now, and like I said the only thing not done on my list is art. I just didn't have time. I can't believe how much time I spent doing all this anxiety work. It's more than a full time job.

But, I feel good about myself today. I battled and overcame and got a lot done. I can definitely say I didn't waste my day today!!