Honestly, I really did have a good day!

Oh to post or not to post, that is the question. Well I'm posting, but I don't want to stay long. I just spent entirely too long reading the comments from Tara's Biggest Loser blog. Way too addicting. Now of course it's late, and I'm too tired to go into a long account of my anxieties for the day.

Luckily for me, and anyone who may read this, there isn't much to say. Basically I had a good day today. Virtually symptom free. Had two therapy sessions! The last one with the psychiatriast (I know that is spelled wrong, and I'm too lazy to google it for the right spelling.) Who cares.

Yes I was nervous at the beginning of the day knowing I would have a full day of dealing with my issues. ( remember two therapy appointments.) Plus I had to pop into work to pick up my disability papers. Believe it or not, I was more scared of going into my work than my appointments.

Still, I did fine through everything, and was put on disability for 3 months! Wooopie! I would be lying big time if I didn't say I wasn't excited about not working until next year. I hate my position now, and for the most part the whole place leaves a sour taste in my mouth, not to mention a bad smell in my nose. It's been 9 years and I'm sick of it. It might be different if I was still a tech, but since I never will be again, It's time to throw in the towel I think.

Now these 3 months will give me time to find something else, or have my art take off. I'm working hard on getting my art business started and really I hope I can at least make a little income off of it. It truly is what I want to be doing. NO more of this office crap. I left corporate america for a reason. when I came to my work place 9 years ago, I took a pay cut of half my usual salary to work in an environment that I love. And that is with animals. I felt blessed each day I worked, thinking how wonderful it was to be there (even in surgery) instead of some office cubicle all day. It was a teaching hospital and a very close family.

Now that has all changed. It is more and more like a corporation even though it is privately owned, and my particular supervisor has made it so I hate the very thought of driving into the parking lot. All the fond memories I used to have, are now tainted with her nastiness. That environment worsened my anxiety big time, and I have no desire to ever go back, at least not to the position she made me take.

Shame on my company for letting her have so much power! She has driven so many people away with her hijinks, and no one will put a stop to it. I have no respect for that place (at least the management and owners) anymore.

Well I guess I had more to say than I thought, and apparently I needed to rant. I could go on and on, but I'm trying hard not to name names, in case someone sneaky finds out who writes this blog. Right now, I'm so angry and sad at what has happened with my workplace. I used to love what I did, and now I hate it. And no one should have to put up with the crap she dishes out.

Okay maybe I read too many of those comments, I'm obviously on a bashing kick right now. I better stop and take a Tums.

Not major to report

I'm not posting much tonight. I just got home, and I'm super hungry and tired. Went to mom's for the day while Matt went to Santa Rosa. Good day all around, though did have some bouts of anxiety here and there. Nothing too major, and it did go away most of the time. Still battling with it though. Very off balance since coming home, bending and looking over the deck are not fun things right now. I'm sure it's anxiety, so I need to just relax now.

I had a really good title for this post, but forgot it

Well I just don't get it. Here I was feeling good for a few days now, even starting to think this really was all anxiety, and thinking just maybe I could be normal pretty soon, and I'm sure I don't have to tell you where this sentence is going right?

Whaaaaaaat? Is going on? Balance and nausea galore today. Well here's how it went. Woke up pretty much normal. Did pretty good surfing the blogs this morning. Took a shower, and hmmm, let's see, went to make lunch and the stomach just went bonkers.

It felt like it was churning butter in there. I started to get sick to my stomach, and then I thought I was off balance. Now I say thought because I didn't really feel off balance while standing or walking, just that it felt like I was somewhere deep down. Maybe because I was thinking it and thinking that's what was making my stomach so yucky.

Naturally I did what I always do when I have an upset stomach, and that is to eat Mexican food. I am not kidding, I've never known a burrito not to cure my stomach troubles. It's as good as Tums.

Unfortunately nachos must not work, because that's all I had fixins for and I have to say I wasn't exactly cured. HOWEVER, I did feel loads better, and started to feel pretty darn normal again, until we got in the car to go over the hill. The jerking car movements, and the windy turns made my balance and stomach revolt. Luckily it wasn't a complete mutiny and nothing went overboard.

Oddly (or maybe not so much) enough I felt pretty good when we were visiting the rooster which was our first stop. Our final destination was Matt's work, but we had to make a few stops before then. Not until I got a milkshake, and we were at Matt's work, did I start feeling good again.

I played my games while he was in a meeting, and everything was great. I did take a kind of hard spin in the chair during a particularly engaging moment in my game, and started to feel off again, but it pretty much went away quickly.

THEN I made the mistake of getting up to go to the bathroom. Walking across the building I felt like I was going to explode. That pressure cooker feeling hit big time, and my ears started to feel full and my heart was pounding so hard, and then those white flashes in my eyes started. Now it sounds like I was going to pass out, but I don't think so. I didn't really feel that way, but I did feel like I was walking in pea soup for a bit. Luckily by the time I got to the kitchen area it went away. It was very short experience, but very severe. So much so, that I didn't go to the bathroom. I wasn't about to lock myself alone in a room after that experience.

So I went back and played my games, until we left which wasn't very much longer. I was fine, but it shook me a bit, and when we were leaving I didn't really feel comfortable going home just yet.

So we went shopping. I'm telling you retail therapy works. It can be expensive, but it cures the problems. At least for a bit.

Anyway I got some really cool stuff for my collages, and I'm so pleased with my loot because remember those disasters I made yesterday? Well they are totally cool today. In fact the one I hated the most is my new favorite! I know I've done this before, and I really just need to learn patience.

I always want instant results with my work and I want it done now. I do not like to wait, and if it starts to come out crappy I get super discouraged. Every time this happens, I always am able to fix it eventually. It may be a week later, but It will work out in the end.

Darn it, why don't I remember that when I'm actually working? Yesterday I was all ready to ban myself from making anymore art. Good thing I didn't.

Anyway, when we finally got home tonight, I had another issue, getting out of the car. The pressure thing happened again. Not as bad as before, but then I started to feel like I couldn't stand balance wise, and because it was dark it was hard to see, so I sort of started feeling disoriented. Yuck.

It went away once I got cooking, and started doing things around the house, and we ended up watching Aqua teen Hunger Force for a couple hours, and I was fine that whole time.

Now I just came up from the studio, and felt good while creating and still feel good now. Hope this stays for the night.

Plesant Valley Sunday

Another good day today. Woke up fine. Been feeling good almost the whole day actually. Even my back is better.

I decided to go for my drive/errand in the afternoon, while Matt swept the yard. This time, I was fine driving. Usually I get nervous right away, but I did good. I drove all the way to the end of town, and since I didn't need anything at the store, I decided to check out the video store instead.

I was in there a few minutes, and didn't see anything of interest, when anxiety hit. I felt all weird like I was going to spin or something, so I ran out of there, which I know I'm not supposed to do, but I did.

Of course once in the car I was fine, and immediately relaxed, which is more than I can say for previous outings, where I usually have to play Mario when I get home since I'm still pretty worked up.

It was sometime after that that I started to feel a tiny bit of balance issues, but I didn't pay it much attention, and went downstairs to work on my paintings. I had no problems physically while working, but I did have a huge problem creatively. I could not produce anything good. I basically made two disasters not at all worth showing to anyone. It's like I lost my flow.

Anyway I put a stop to that nonsense, and came upstairs to play games instead. Now we did go to the grocery store to get dinner supplies, and I admit after getting back and even while in the car a bit, I felt the balance crap returning, but then I did the dishes which took 25 min! And I was fine.

Oh yeah, and we went for an extended walk with Monkey today. Ran into two neighbors and talked forever. We were gone an hour and 15 minutes. So I had plenty of talking points to add up today. The amazing thing was until we got to the last neighbor I was doing fine! No issues standing and talking. A little at the end, but not enough to freak out or feel I need to escape. More like I'm uncomfortable and wouldn't mind sitting down kind of thing.

Not bad.

Oh loardy not again

Well not much happened today. We did not go to Santa Rosa for various reasons. Matt has a ton of work that needs to be done by Monday, I was scared, and the final (main reason at least for me) was that I fell down getting out of bed.

Yep. I hurt my back. Again. Not sure how, but I've been icing it off and on today, so it's feeling better, and I haven't fallen since this morning. However, I am experiencing numbness, and sharp prickly pains spreading throughout my back. It doesn't happen often, but it is really weird when it does.

Needless to say I spent almost the whole day on the couch, with an ice pack. I nearly went stir crazy, and HAD to get out around 4:30 so we went for a drive. Well we ended up in Santa Cruz, and went to an art store to get really cool tissue paper, and canvases.

That's all we did, and it was back to the couch for us. I ended up taking a nap, which I can report went well, and then I got up and did some vacuuming, and tried to straighten up the mess I made downstairs with all my papers, but after the vacuuming, my back was hurting again, and that's when I started getting those sharp prickly pains, so I stopped, iced it again, and played games.

Now I'm absolutely craving a dove bar, so we will make a liquor store run, and then it's back to the couch to watch the Odd Couple and then bed.

So yeah, It's been a seriously boring day! But I have to admit, I did well on the anxiety front. Even in Santa Cruz, I was nervous at first, and my impulse was to run back to the car, but I honestly wasn't feeling any weird symptoms so why do that right? In fact my balance was great throughout the day.

Things are definitely looking up symptom wise.

Well, I never

I'm so tired, I can't stop yawning. I'm not exactly sure why since it's fairly early, but I am. So this post will be short. I hope.

Today was good. I woke up fine again. I was basically okay today, except for a brief moment while waiting for lunch to cook, but other than that I was good.

The main things that happened today were I went out to the store alone. I went to the little drugstore in town, since I'm tired of the grocery store, and I wanted to see if they would have any cool Halloween stuff. They didn't, but I did really good! Even walking into the store, I was pretty much fine. I felt really good the whole time I was out, and never felt the need to rush away or escape. Score!

The second bit of good news is the gallery opening went awesome. I was pretty nervous about going, knowing there would be a lot of people that we might potentially talk to, and a lot of standing around etc. But you know what? I was fine!! In fact I was doing so well, that I didn't think to be off balance until some time into the event, when I realized that I was feeling okay. And the even weirder thing was It didn't come on when I thought of it. Nor did it bother me when we were talking to the main lady who was showing me the ropes of running the gallery. I had no issues! I stood and talked for about an hour, and no balance problems! I even agreed to volunteer at the gallery without fear. What the heck?

Then, we went to the grocery store across the way, since Johnnies doesn't carry the stuff I needed, and again I was fine! Can you tell I'm surprised? I even left Matt in the store and went out to the car down the street to get the grocery list. We even stood in a long line, and everything was cool. What is happening to me?

And if that wasn't enough on the way home, we stopped at the Chinese food place, and ordered take out. We had to wait in lines, and wait for 30 minutes for our food, and again, no issues! I've been fine all night too. Honest to goodness, I'm somewhat shocked.

Now tomorrow is another story. We are supposed to go to Santa Rosa, and I have to say that darkens my day a bit. I am scared. And I do not feel like driving all the way up there. I would rather stay at home and work on my new collages. Bummer. Hopefully it will go okay.

That's it for tonight, I'm pooped. This mostly anxiety free day, has worn me out.

Strange day

So today was interesting. It wasn't bad, yet it wasn't great either. It started off fine. I woke up good, and sat around checking blogs etc. while I waited for Matt to get up. I started to feel weird sitting in bed while reading the blogs. It started right before I "officially" got up for the day.

It wasn't the usual rocking on a boat feeling. No it was more like a form of dizziness in and around my eyes. I know the things I describe are weird. I cannot help that. I have no other way though to describe what I'm feeling, because it's so bizarre.

This feeling is the same feeling I usually get at work, when I'm sitting in the chairs. I used to think it was dizziness because I was feeling seasick from the chairs, but now I'm not so sure.

The good news is, it was very mild, the bad news is, I worried about it a bit. Although I did really well, compared to what I used to do.

The feeling lasted off and on all day today, and I had to use a ton of coping skills to keep from obsessing over it. I've basically been doing art all day, though I didn't get very much accomplished.

I did however do some of my list. Right after lunch I was feeling pretty good, so I decided to drive to the store. Well as soon as I thought it, I got nervous. So much so, that I stopped and played Mario for a bit, and then went. I was still very nervous, but I went and parked and even walked into the store. That's as far as I got, because the store was jam packed with people. I'm not kidding all I could see were people clogging up the aisles and waiting in line.

Um. NO. I wasn't going to try that. So I went home, and went downstairs to work on my collage. About an hour later, I was feeling good again, so I took off with the intention of just getting gas, since we really did need it, and gas isn't as bad as a store.

For some reason, I was a nervous wreck at the gas station and even broke out my game to play, but just couldn't relax. I did manage to wait for the tank to fill up before I left, which was good. Even though I was nervous, I knew I had to try that store again. Simply because we needed things.

I walked in and it wasn't bad, hardly any people, so I sped around the store gathering my items and made it to checkout with only one person ahead of me. Feeewww! It wasn't bad, but I wasn't too comfortable either.

It was just a weird day. I couldn't shake that nervous feeling while doing the scary stuff. Usually if I accomplish something like that, I'm really happy and tend to relax once the hard stuff is over. Not today. Which is why I spent almost all of it downstairs. I feel fine working on my paintings, and in fact feel pretty good now. I was having that weird feeling again after dinner, and I went downstairs and started working on stuff, and it totally went away.

So even though it's been a decent day, it's still weird in the sense that I was feeling yucky at times, and also I wasn't in the best of moods. I felt irritated a lot, and not at all like I felt yesterday, which was totally happy and feeling like I could do anything.

Oh well. I'm going to start winding down for the night, because the art I'm producing is terrible. I did manage to do a pretty decent replacement for the Alice in Wonderland challenge, but it's still missing something. The Halloween one I did, is deplorable. I'm not sure what I'll do with that. HO hum, that's the kind of day it's been.

Alright, it's time for some Felix and Oscar hijinks, they always make me laugh.

I don't beleive it

Today was a good day!! Well except for my laptop dying, and now I can't do my art class, or get my music, or my art pictures, or my email, or write which isn't really a problem since I haven't written in ages anyway, but thought I'd mention it, since I was listing things I couldn't do.

So except for all that, It was a good day!

What made it so good? Well first, I can hardly believe this myself, but I actually made it into a gallery!! Yes sir, I have 3 collages on display for a whole month!! I even went down there today just to confirm, and it is true, my art is indeed hanging on a gallery wall. Holy Moly!


Next I had a pretty darn productive week, anxiety wise, so I had lots of good stuff to report to therapy today. Also, I talked to my work, and they got the letter, and it was agreed that I could go on a personal leave. So yeah me. I'm now able to do Fear Factor for a month, and hopefully I'll be all better soon.

Then we went to Matt's work after therapy, and thanks to my handy dandy Nintendo DS I was able to keep busy the whole 3 hours we were there. No issues at all!! In fact, I actually sat outside in the car the whole time, and you won't believe this, I took off and drove the car around for giggles, and actually went on a real street with cars and stop lights.

Yep, I was feeling pretty much normal today, and it was great! In fact, I almost feel like if I can plan a good route, I may be able to drive around to stores while Matt is working. I suppose our next step will be to have me drive over the hill and Matt follow on the motorcycle. We may do that this week, since we couldn't feed Fancy Feathers today, so we might make a special trip down to see him, and that will be a great opportunity to practice that.

So while I'm in mourning for my laptop, I'm feeling pretty good about my accomplishments today. I love it when I have good days like this!!!

Not tonight, I have a headache

No post tonight. Waaaaay too tired. Just got home, and I'm hungry, and have a headache. Good day today, went to mom's while Matt went to Santa Rosa. I was really nice to hang out again with the family. No major issues today, just some anxiety here and there but it all went away by the afternoon. Oh yeah, and I woke up pretty good again.

Okay I'm off for the night, tomorrow I'll post more I'm sure.

I'm pooped

Whew what a day!!! Well, I woke up great. In fact, I felt so good all morning, that I decided to go to the gas station, right away, to get my daily errand over with.

Well as soon as I took off down the road, the nerves hit me. By the time I made it to the gas station I couldn't breathe well, and I was shaky. I wasn't sure how this would work out, but since there was an empty pump, I decided to give it a shot.

It was touch and go, but I actually did it! I didn't really have balance problems, but I was nervous and shaky throughout the whole 2 minutes it took to fill up. I was feeling pretty proud of myself, so I thought why not try the grocery store, across the street.

As luck would have it, there just so happened to be a parking spot right at the door, so I had to give it a try right? Well I walked in and the conditions were perfect. No body in line, hardly anyone in the store, I was feeling pretty decent, etc. I sped to the milk section, and a bee line for the check out, but not soon enough. Two people got there ahead of me, and one had quite a basket full. Ugh.

Immediately I got scared, and my balance was off. The whole time I kept thinking what will I do if I have to escape? Do I leave the milk on the belt and just run for it? Do I make an excuse and ask them to put it away? Do I try to trek back to the fridge all the way across the store and do it myself? The questions were endless.

Turns out, I didn't have to do any of those, because I actually made it through the whole ordeal. Boy was I feeling extra special then! Two errands in one day!!

I was still shaky when I got home, but I was super pleased with myself. I played Mario just to bring me down a bit, and then went to work on some art. I had a great anxiety free day, until it was time to leave to go over the hill for my appointment. We actually went early since Matt wanted to visit some boring stores.

Unfortunately I started feeling the seasick feelings, while going over the hill, and even after the stores a bit. I had Mario with me, so I played my games the whole time he was shopping and it is the perfect device. Not only for anxiety, but for boredom too. He could spend all day at HSC as long as I have a game to play!

After the second store, (which I must admit I was having trouble when we went in-pressure cooker wise), I was fine.

Then we went to the psych. Yes I was nervous, but not too bad considering. I played my game in the waiting room and then I had my session. She knew ahead of time, my fears of being trapped, so that helped a lot. Overall the session went really well. I was scared the whole time (2 hours!!!!!!!), and having some major balance problems, but I did okay. I definitely could have been worse, and she was really very nice, patient and took a ton of time getting to know my issues.

Now that it's over though, I'm totally wiped out. I'm so tired and I have a headache. Oh yeah and on the way home, we got stuck in a huge traffic jam! NO fun. Although I did pretty well surprisingly. I was nervous, out of habit rather than actually experiencing any bad symptoms.

Alright I'm done for the night. I need to eat again, something soft I suspect since I lost part of a tooth chewing gum today. Yeah. I did not expect that. But you know what? The cavity that was there isn't bothering my anymore. HA! I guess I'll have to go to a dentist to get it fixed someday, but not now. Talk about feeling trapped. Sheesh!

It's so nice not to work today

Well not much happened today as far as challenges go. Matt decided I should take the weekends off, but I still did stuff on my list today and yesterday, I just don't feel like I need to do it all. Tomorrow I will be back to my chores. I'm actually looking forward to it, because this whole weekend I felt a little lost not following my list.

I didn't run an errand by myself, because life got in the way, but I did drive to the burrito place in town and picked up our order by myself. Matt was behind me on the motorcycle and he did not go in the store, so I had to be alone and stand in line. We did it this way, because one it's farther in town then I'm comfortable going right now, and two, because it was getting dark, and ever since I was chased a couple years ago, I don't care to drive by myself at night.

Overall it wasn't bad, but I was nervous going in, mostly because, as we got out on Bear Creek, we saw the road was closed right at our street. Naturally I got nervous wondering if we would be able to get back, but since Matt was behind me, I figured if we absolutely had to, we could go over the hill until the road reopened.

We did get through thank goodness, the accident was one road further down, so they let us go home. Feeeww!!

Other than that the only major anxiety I had was while I was turning in my canvases to the art gallery for the upcoming show. I have no clue why I reacted as bad as I did. It was almost like my body skipped nervousness altogether, and went straight to the symptoms. When we walked out, I felt like I did after I got off the ski lift. Shaky and sick to my stomach. And the thing is, it was such a nice place, and everybody was really cool, and I hardly had to wait. So strange.

From there we went to the hardware store, and because I was still coming down, I took out my Mario game, and played that while Matt shopped. Worked great. We came home, and I went to work on a few more collages. I pretty much spent most of the afternoon downstairs. I was having a great time, and didn't have any issues. In fact Matt had gone down to the creek, and I had no clue until he yelled for me to get him something, and even then it didn't make me nervous.

For most of the day, I was actually alright. Surprisingly I had very little balance issues. Not even in the burrito place did I have a problem. I was actually ok, but very nervous about not being ok. As usual. If I could just relax when I actually feel good, that would really be cool.

Now of course I'm experiencing some balance problems sitting here, I'm not sure why this seems to happen at the end of the night, but it does. Luckily last night I was fine, while watching tv, and when I went to lie down, no issues. I even woke up feeling pretty good today. Nothing unusual that is. No balance problems.

Tomorrow though is different story. I have my appointment with the psych at 7 pm, and I'm super scared, especially because of the way I acted in the gallery, which was a fun thing for me, how the heck am I going to be for 75 minutes with a stranger? Oh boy. And the worst thing of all is that the damn appointment is $500! Totally crazy.

I almost canceled so many times, but Matt said no. I say he's insane, when we barley have enough money to pay the mortage. We are talking about possibly needing to foreclose on the house. The fact that I'm not going to be working doesn't help either.

I can think of so many things we need to spend that money on right now, like firewood, and propane. The winter is coming and it is going to suck if we don't get firewood soon. Not to mention it will be super expensive, because everyone needs it then. Plus the morons at Amerigas forgot to fill our tank, so now it's almost empty, and it's going to cost like 600-700 to fill it all the way back up.

I feel sooooo guilty taking this appointment for 500 an hour when we could be buying things we actually need. All of guru camp for one week didn't cost that much. I guess there isn't anything I can do about it now, it's too late to cancel.

Anyway It's late, and I'm going to watch my shows. Overall not a bad day. Less anxiety than usual. Yipppee!

I don't feel like posting much tonight, except to say I woke up great again, and had a good morning until about lunch time. However, once we were over the hill I did great. On the way home though I started having semi detached feeling, but it went away at rooster park and then came back off and on for another hour or so.

All in all it was a decent day, had lots of good points, including talking to two neighbors for lengthy amounts of time, with no major problems. Progress!

Bits of anxiety here and there, but not bad. Though now I'm feeling poopy. I just got done with a collage, and came upstairs to do my post, and I totally feel as if I'm on a boat now, and really I'm just sitting in bed typing. Go figure. Really this is the first time today, I've had these balance problems like this. I'm almost seasick.

Fear Factor Day 2

Well, I can certainly say my days are full! Sheesh, with this new system I hardly have time at all to do nothing. I'm actually really liking this, I feel much more accomplished, and I'm still doing things to goof off, like reading blogs, playing games and art.

Today went pretty good. I had ups and downs for sure, but overall not too shabby. I'll try to highlight the main points. Oh yeah, I'm also keeping a little log, and writing down how I'm feeling and what I did, throughout the day. Not all the time, but when I think of it, and especially when I'm not feeling well, because I want to see if there are any correlations to anxiety or really anything at all. Plus I also want to keep track of whether or not my coping skills are helping, and so far they seem to be.

Okay, first off, I woke up well again! In fact I felt so good throughout the morning that I decided right after lunch to go to the store. I was fine until I started driving down the road, and then I got super nervous, but just nervous, not any other symptoms so I kept going.

I even made it in the store, and cruised by the bread aisle since we needed bread, and it was closest to the checkout. No dice, they didn't have what I wanted which meant I needed to go all they to the back of the store to get milk. Scary! I only got one jug in case I freaked out and couldn't make it to the checkout. I figure If I get in the store, I better come home with some kind of souvenir. Plus I can try to conquer my line phobia as well.

I was doing good until I got in line. Now I was lucky that the lady in front of me, had already finished, yet she was gabbing away to the cashier lady, so naturally I got nervous, and in two seconds it escalated to panic, I need to leave mode. But I didn't. I got my darn milk and then left.

When I got home, I was sick to my stomach and nervous still, but happy my chore was done, so I played my game a bit which helped a lot, but when I got up I couldn't walk. This time because my back was messed up. ooops. I'm not sure what I did, but for 15 minutes or so I had to scoot around and couldn't straighten up, not even to reach the oreo cookies, which is what I was after in the first place. Poo.

I was feeling pretty good despite my injury, and so I fooled around trying to pick my collages for the art show, and then watched two of my new art classes online. For some reason though afterwards I felt yucky again, so I went for a walk around the block, and I actually felt good. No real worries, I did have my phone with me though.

When I got back I went to work on a new canvas, but unfortunately I was feeling off again, and after prepping it, I came upstairs to let it dry and my balance was crazy. I had a hard time walking around, and it felt like the world was moving around me as I walked.

So I did my pranayamas and meditation, which made me feel loads better, while I was doing them. I was completely relaxed, but I must have gotten up too fast afterwards because when I did, I felt unsteady and strange. So I played Mario again. Of course I felt fine while playing, but after I was done, I felt bad again. Ugh.

About this time, Matt wanted to get out and do some exercise, so we went down the road by the library and went for a walk. Well I walked and Matt tried to run. His ankle is still weak, but he managed pretty good. I was limping along alright too, but my leg was giving me trouble again. I don't really care about that though, as long as I don't have anxiety which I didn't, I'm fine.

On the way back, we stopped to pet a cow, who got over excited with all the attention and accidently stepped on my foot. In case you don't know, It really hurts! Despite this though, we had a really good walk, and the whole time I felt totally normal.

As soon as we got back home, we took Monkey out, and I left the two boys around the corner and went back home, for 20 minutes by myself. This time I did really well. I had no issues, and in fact I was surprised to see Matt coming back so soon. Usually I'm kinda keeping an eye out for them, but today I was too busy and hardly noticed.

The rest of the night was spent making brownies, doing art and playing Mario for fun. It's been really good and I've felt great. The thing is, I sort of feel funny while writing this post. A touch off balance, but It's not too bad.

Anyway, I'm pooped. It's just about time to watch my favorite Odd Couple so I'm off for anther day.

Daily Inspiration

I release the need to determine how things “should” be.

If you are suffering in your life right now, I can guarantee that this condition is tied up with some kind of attachment to how things should be going. -Dr. Wayne Dyer

Hello!! Is he listening in on my therapy sessions??

This is today's daily inspiration. It comes at a perfect time, as just last night I was having issues with my current condition. See after I wrote my post, I started getting the really bad balance issues while sitting, laying and moving around. Even while watching t.v. I played my game a bit and it took my mind off of it, but then when I stopped, I felt the balance shit all over again.

Needless to say, I was feeling exactly how the quote says. I kept thinking how things should be. I should be normal. (I actually do this all the time), but it's hard not to, when just last year I was able to sit in chairs, beds, couches etc, without feeling a terrible balance issue, so that is how it should still be.

Why am I not like that now, unless something is actually wrong with me? Just for the record, this balance feeling is a lot different from the balance issues I get while standing talking to people and generally am scared. It's a more intense feeling and it feels more deep.

And I'm fine, until I move. As usual it's very difficult to explain, which makes even harder to try to get this across to doctors, which is one of the reasons I gave up 7 years ago, when explaining the balance issues then. Oddly, or not so oddly enough they were different sensations. These of course are brand new. Lucky me, I seem to generate a whole host of unexplainable and unidentifiable symptoms.

Anyway, It's really hard to believe that what happened last night was anxiety, as I wasn't even anxious. This was the time I was finally able to relax. In fact I felt better, before, during and after going to the store. I "should" have had major anxiety then (like I did earlier), yet I was okay, so why the hell did I get balance issues at the end of the night, when I "should" be able to fully relax, and watch tv?? That's how I feel anyway. It won't be easy getting rid of that thought.

Fear Factor

Oh my goodness, what a day! Let's just say I've been super productive now that I have my handy dandy chore list to do.

In fact I've been so busy doing everything on the list, that I haven't had any time for art yet. Sheesh. Matt says I should get more efficient as I get used to things, and I sure hope so. It seems I spent a lot of today using coping skills to get my anxiety down to reasonable levels.

I guess I should start at the beginning. I woke up feeling good again. Always a plus! Sat in bed reading blogs and answering emails/comments. I started feeling a little off about an hour before we got up, but it wasn't bad, just a little bit.

Once I was up and showered I started in on my to do list. First thing was first, make a grocery list for tonight's dinner. I figured if I had to run an errand, might as well make it useful and get dinner supplies. Well, then I started feeling balance and pressure problems.

What did I do? I used coping skills! I broke my brand new Nintendo and played Mario Brothers, it wasn't long before I was caught up in that and feeling decent again.

During this time, Psych #1 called me back and I made an appointment with him, yet I was actually waiting to hear back from another Psych. No sooner did I make an appointment with him than the other Dr. called. I really felt comfortable talking to her and she asked a lot about what was going on, so I actually booked an appointment with her for Monday night, and cancelled the other doctor. She is way pricey, but Matt seems to think it's worth it, so I guess we shall go.

Then I got scared again, so I played Mario which helped. I was hoping to get to the store soon, so I tried to load my ipod with my new songs, but it was giving me a hassle because it wanted to be charged. Fine, I charged it and while waiting searched for jobs. I actually found a few that looked interesting.

Started to feel balance issues while sitting in the desk chair, so I played Mario again. I was still nervous about the store though. During this time Matt had added my new songs, so I drove to the store with ipod in tow and the Lonely Goatherd song blasting.

Once I got there, the anxiety kicked in bad. I was so scared I couldn't get out of the car, so I played my game again. It worked enough that I felt brave to get out of the car, but the instant I got in front of the door, my body went weak, and I couldn't deal. I had to retreat on the battlefield I'm sorry to say.

I drove back home, and just leaving calmed me down tons. I wasn't mad at myself, as I fully expected this would happen. I mean come on, I haven't attempted to do this in several months, I knew it wouldn't be easy.

Unfortunately once I was home, I was still shaky and off balance. I was also hungry so I started cooking Top Ramen and then went to my room to do a few Pranayamas, it helped a little and it felt good to breathe deep and relax.

I read art blogs while eating, and felt a little better.

After lunch we went to the art gallery so I could join as a member and try to show my art in the upcoming show. I submit the pieces on Sunday, so we'll see what happens. Hopefully I'll at least get one in.

After the gallery we wandered to Scott's valley to the battery store. So very exciting. As we pulled into the parking lot, good 'ol anxiety came back. I stared feeling detached, and was afraid to go in. Well guess what I did? Yep pulled out Mario and started playing in the store while waiting for Matt to pick up his batteries. Totally worked! I was fine after that. In fact I started to really relax on the way home.

When we got back, I read the introduction to "Focus on the good stuff", and I really like it. I put that on my daily to do list, I figure it should help my thought processes. Anyway, while reading that I became super relaxed, like wanting to sleep relaxed.

I figured this was a great time to try the store again, so I did. You won't believe this, but I made it! I went inside, got my food, and paid for it! The whole time I wasn't that scared, but I kept worrying I would get scared, and wanted to get out real fast before that happened, so needless to say I didn't linger.

Boy what a relief!! I had the worst bit done, and it wasn't that bad. Since I was feeling so good, I told Matt he had to take the cat for a walk and leave me at home. I went halfway just to get a little walk in, but then I came back and started dinner, and I was home by myself for 30 minutes!

I was feeling great until I walked into the house, and then I stared to feel off balance. Well crap. Not much I could do, so I started dinner, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I thought a lot about the fact that I was by myself, but Matt was hardly far away and he had my phone, so really I was totally safe. Still I did have slight balance issues.

I did okay though, and except for a flour incident, made dinner without a hitch.

After dinner I stared feeling off again though, so I meditated. At first it was awesome, I totally felt relaxed and was loving it. At the end however, I was practically asleep, but every time I did one of those deep breaths in and out, I felt my balance problems again, then I started feeling unreal, which I think is pretty normal for meditation but since it's been so long since I did it last, I don't remember.

Anyway I had a teensy moment of anxiety, when I opened my eyes and after getting up, but then I did the dishes and all was well.

Few! There's a lot to write about. It's 10:30 now, and like I said the only thing not done on my list is art. I just didn't have time. I can't believe how much time I spent doing all this anxiety work. It's more than a full time job.

But, I feel good about myself today. I battled and overcame and got a lot done. I can definitely say I didn't waste my day today!!

Yeah it's my weekend!

Made it through yet another day at work. (Woke up good again). Yes I had anxiety, but surprisingly I did pretty darn good, despite the drama going on. I decided to take a leave from work, because of my anxiety. My plea will be reviewed in the management meeting tomorrow (so embarrassing), and hopefully they will approve it. I suppose I'll find out tomorrow.

If it is approved, I'll be off for a month, which isn't too long, but in therapy today, we devised a plan to get me on the recovery track, and hopefully much better before I have to go back.

I will be working on doing things that scare me everyday. I even have a list, which I typed up and taped to the bathroom mirror of all the things that need to be done on a daily basis, to help me get over this darn stuff.

I also revamped my points list, and added all the points to each item, and changed some things on the list. I then printed out like 20 copies, so I have them handy, and can't get lazy about doing points because the sheets are already done.

And, Jeff you won't believe this, but I called the Dr. and left a message, he actually called back, but I didn't get his call, because we were on the way home. However, I did call back and left another message telling him to call me tomorrow.

Oh yeah, and the coolest thing of all, is that right after therapy, Matt suggested we go to Fry's. Usually I don't get excited about this, but he wanted to buy a Nintendo DS for me, so I will have a device to play cool games on rather than my phone, which really sucks for that kind of stuff.

So I got a cool hot pink Nintendo DS and like 5 games. I'm totally addicted already, and I'm in love with the Mario game, because it's just like the original that I played as a kid for months at a time. Love that game! I can see where this can get dangerous, I could easily spend 6 hours playing Zelda or Mario instead of doing my challenges. I don't suppose that counts does it?

Anyway, tonight has been spent organizing for my official start day tomorrow, and I've got everything all set up. I even have all my paperwork laid out that needs to be done, for my art stuff. I'm supposed to submit my work this weekend to the gallery, and I have to get the paperwork in asap!

I'm scared but I know this what I need to do. It sure won't be easy pushing myself to go out on my own everyday, but damn I'm tired of being afraid. Wish me luck!

I must have had a lot of trauma in a past life, to deal with all this anxiety now

I'm seriously wondering that. Who was I, and what the heck did I do? If all this anxiety is because of a past life issue, maybe I was someone famous, like Katherine Howard? F-ing around on the king and having your head chopped off would give anyone anxiety right?

Okay so I woke up fine today. That's awesome! But I had to go to work of course, and we all know how that goes.

Funny enough, I actually did pretty good for most of the time, amazing since my wonderful supervisor took away all my chores again. In fact I'm the only person in her department without any chores. So I had nothing to do. At all! And I kid you not the phones were ringing like once every 20 minutes. I even asked for something to do and she said no and gave the same lame ass excuse as yesterday.

Anyway, it wasn't until I got off work that I had the real issues. About half way home, I started getting that crazy detached feeling in my head, arms and stomach again. It was super strong in my head and the more I thought about it, the worse it got of course. At one point I thought, I wouldn't be able to handle it.

It did go away right after that, but still it spooked me, because it was pretty harsh today. So we got home, and I was having a little bit of balance issues, but it wasn't too bad, besides I was super tired, so despite my reservations about how I felt, I decided to take a nap.

Well I didn't sleep, the whole time I drifted in and out and kept focusing on how unreal I felt. Finally I got up like 40 minutes later, and man i haven't been the same since. I've been feeling so off, it's crazy. Like I was being pushed down, and off balance and the pressure cooker feeling all at once.

I would feel decent sitting down, but standing up and walking around sucked! I was pretty scared at first, but then we took the cat for a walk and the intensity lessoned a bit. In fact we even chatted with a neighbor for awhile and I did pretty good. Still, when we got home I never felt completely right. Then I watched the Biggest Looser, which might have been a big mistake. I knew the first episode would have fainters and pukers, with all those tubbies trying to exercise, and I was right. I had to turn it off several times, because it scared me. Obviously I don't do well when the medics come on the scene. But I did finish the show, because I've waited 4 months for this day, and it is the only reality show I actually like.

After the show, I had to do something to get rid of the anxiety, so I've been cleaning and listening to new music that I just downloaded, which has been fun and now I feel good again. Finally!

I do feel a bit bummed that I never got around to doing any art, since I spent my time watching a show, but I figure that with my weekend coming up, I'll have plenty of time to do that.

Anyway a bit sad tonight because of the nasty feelings, but hopefully they will stay away now that I've cleaned and got my mind off of them for the most part.

Now my problem is my damn job. I have to make my decision by tomorrow, and I'm telling you the games my sup is playing with me right now, do not make me want to stay. If I could just go to another dept, It would be so much better. I'm even thinking of being a tech again, but my doctor is taken now. :( Plus my back wouldn't handle it I'm sure, Plus I don't know how well I would do anymore, with all that stuff going on, and me having to talk to people in rooms. Oh well. Hopefully I'll think of something. I can't go on with her anymore, she is stressing me out, and now that she's f-ing with me, it's even worse.

Alright, I've run out of Johnny Cash and social distortion songs, so I'm off to eat cherrios and watch good 'ol Oscar and Felix.

Are you crazy or just mean?

I had a mixed day today. I woke up alright. At first I seemed dizzy before getting out of bed, but I had no trouble at all. No dizziness or balance issues when I got up, so I was off to a fairly good start.

All in all, my time at work anxiety wise wasn't terrible, yet I did have my moments. One while talking to one of the office managers about taking leave. It was so hard to stand, and I really wasn't paying much attention to what he said, due to the swaying, but before I went in, I was feeling good, so now I know that's anxiety!

Then there was the mini panic attack I had 10 minutes before my shift was over, I survived obviously. Basically it was off and on during the day, but nothing out of control. Oddly enough I kind of felt worse on my break as we were walking around. It was like looking around was hard and I felt semi dizzy in my face and eyes. Don't ask.

When I got off work, I had a moment in the car when I started to feel strange, almost detached, and I got that weird weak feeling in my arms, but it went away fast, and to be honest Matt and I were discussing my supervisor and how nuts she is. And that's a very stressful subject.

You won't believe this, but after that meeting last week, and after her saying how she liked that I stayed busy, and after I stressed very loudly several times, how I NEED to be busy, and that I like the work, well guess what? She took it all away.

Yep today I had NADA to do. I sat waiting for phone calls to come in. I even asked for the work and she said it was downstairs and that she would get it, I offered to go myself, and she said no, well 3 hours and a break go by and no work. So I ask again, can I please go get it downstairs? You know what she said?? NO. How does that make sense? Not only that, but it was like the slowest Monday I've seen in a few months, so I literally sat bored to tears staring at my computer waiting for calls.

I'm actually really surprised I didn't have more anxiety because of that. Needless to say, I'm not exactly jumping for joy to go back to work tomorrow and stare at my computer again.

On a brighter note, we went to Walmart for two hours (yes I did say two hours. It's not easy to shop with two people who can't make decisions.) and I totally did fine! No anxiety, not even while waiting in line. How about that? After that episode in Santa Cruz I was leary about going to Walmart, so It was definitely a shock to say the least that I did ok.

Even now I'm doing ok at home. I feel a little off sometimes, like I'm leaning a little forward, but I'm very tired and headachey again, and I really think I need sleep and that might be part of it.

I'm not bad at all, and I'm sitting here on the bed feeling good balance wise, so I can't complain too much. I even finished another collage!. I was going to watch the 1st video for my art class tonight, but it's getting late, and we all know what happens now right?

You got it, food and the Odd Couple!

Maybe I'm hormonal

I'm only sort of kidding. I wonder sometimes if my hormones are out of whack, because lately I have been super moody, sad, angry, depressed, yet at the same time, I can have good days and be happy. It's like I'm riding a roller coaster these days.

Anyway this morning I woke up great again! Went to work, under protest and had a decent first 2 hours. After that, which usually seems to be my breaking point at work, I started having breathing problems, balance issues and the pressure cooker feeling. Oh yeah and I had some serious tummy issues. I won't go into detail, but let's just say I had to keep running to the commode. Not fun.

I was pretty nervous and antsy for the rest of my shift. It is so bloody hard trying to maintain while at work, it literally wears me out. And the weekdays are worse, because the commander in chief will be there, sitting right behind me. Ugh, I'm tired of being controlled and feeling trapped there. It sure isn't the same place I was hired at 9 years ago.

Needless to say, I survived til the end of my shift and we went to visit the rooster, and then went home. We were supposed to go to some stores to look for art stuff, but after yesterday's episode, my heart wasn't into it.

It worked out though because I was pretty hungry and tired and just needed to relax.

Too bad that didn't happen. See, when we got home, I had another tummy episode, yet at the same time I was starving, so I went to make myself a sandwich. Well, as I'm slathering mayo on the bread, Matt comes over with Dinky and sets him down on the counter to investigate the turkey that was going to part of my lunch.

I really don't think I was out of line asking him to please not set the cat down where my food is, but apparently I said it in such a way that Matt took as major "attitude". Let me just say here, again, that I really wasn't feeling well, and whatever I said was probably said with irritation, but I still don't think I was that mean about it.

Well, Matt did, and he let me know it, and then I got mad, and argued with him, and the next thing I know, he's outside because he's angry.

So I go out and try to find out what the big deal is, and he says he didn't want to be around my negativity right then. Well I can understand that, but I still don't think I was that bad, or any worse than usual. It really threw me for a loop that he was acting so upset, by the way I said that one sentence. This isn't like him, and usually he doesn't make such a stink about it.

For some reason this set me off. I got really angry and went back in the house, and totally lost it. I really wanted to punch something, but I was afraid to hurt myself, and then have to go to the doctor (trust me to think of this in the heat of anger), so I totally hit the shit out of my pillows on the bed. I couldn't hit them hard enough, so I went at it for quite awhile, by the time I was done, I was shaking and oddly, off balance.

That scared me, so I went out to the living room, where I could see Matt sitting outside still. I went back out, and we had more words, none of them good, so I went back inside and threw a plastic cup, totally not thinking that it would shatter in a thousand pieces all over the kitchen floor. Well that gave me something to do while I tried to calm down. Honestly I haven't been this angry in years.

So many things were flying through my mind. Mainly I that I should leave, and let Matt be alone for awhile. I think the anxiety is really getting to him, which is understandable and what I've been afraid of happening.

I also think I was mainly mad at myself, for having this anxiety, and letting it get so out of control, and not being able to accept it, nor deal with it properly. Also I feel guilty for him having to deal with this. He should have his freedom. Yes, I was irritated at his reaction, thinking he was overreacting, but I also know that it's probably one of those last straw kind of things.

I really feel out of control now, and I really think he would be better off without me. It just isn't fair for him to have to deal with this crap for so long. I can't even look at our wedding pictures anymore, because the guilt is so strong. I can't get over how he must have felt after marrying me only to find out 3 months later, that I was a complete lunatic. To be fair, I didn't know either, but still it sucks it came out after the ceremony.

We are talking again, but I still feel like I should stay out of his way. It's really weird for us to fight, because we just don't do it very often. In fact we never would if I didn't have anxiety. Sounds strange, but it's true.

After all the drama, I finally ate that darn sandwich, and then took a nap. Luckily I slept easily and woke up without issue. It's so nice to be able to nap again.

In fact I felt pretty good tonight except for some balance issues every now and then. We took the cat for a walk and I felt totally normal, it wasn't until later this evening that the balance issues started, but even then they were mild.

In fact, I just came from downstairs, where I just finished two collages, and right at the end I started to feel off, I'm not sure why, but I feel pretty okay now, so who knows.

Anyway tonight is almost gone, and I really must watch my shows before I have to hit the sack and start all over again.

Oh for corn's sake

Today was not as spectacular as yesterday. In fact the whole damn day pretty much sucked. I woke up great though. Stayed in bed searching blogs and other art sites, while Matt still slept. I was a little apprehensive about today wondering how I would be after such a great day yesterday, and sure enough the issues started.

They were mild, but still present, which bothered me. We had decided to go into Santa Cruz to look for art stuff, and while I really wanted to check out some of the stores there, I was a little scared. Still, I went, and didn't even have issues driving down there. On the way we stopped at a few thrift stores, and I was okay in them, but the balance problems were lingering in the background. I definitely didn't feel normal.

When we got to Santa Cruz however, my symptoms escalated 100%. We barley got onto the main street, when I thought I was going to loose it, so we went back to the car, and left. Matt said something about trying to use coping skills, but I was so far gone, that I just said we need to leave.

So we did. Obviously I felt bad that we left without doing anything, and that we wasted our time, gas, etc. Not to mention the fact that I was sad, because going to Santa Cruz used to be a very fun experience. It's hard to believe that going those 12 miles to the coast, put me in such a tizzy, but it did. I've panicked before there, but I've never had to leave like this.

We were both hungry so we stopped in Felton to get a burrito to take home. By this time I had calmed down, so we decided to eat the burrito at the park and then go back to Santa Cruz. I have to say, the thought of going back, was scary but at the same time, I felt so much better, that I thought I could handle it.

So we went back. At first I was okay. We wandered around the Greek Festival for a bit, then made to the main drag again. Our first stop was an art store, and upon first walking in, I was feeling pretty good. Then it hit again! Balance issues galore, can't walk, hard to navigate the isles, get around people, turn my head, etc. I wanted out, but we stayed, and I found some cool stuff. We went to a few more stores, and I had trouble in all of them.

The last store, I actually grabbed hold of Matt thinking I was falling/and or about to start spinning. Not sure what, as the sensations happen so fast, and are gone before I can really figure them out. All I know is there is a huge surge of panic, and I have to grab something.

We left the store soon after that, and really I wasn't up to any more of this crap so we went back home. Needless to say, I'm exhausted, and I still don't feel great. The symptoms are better, but they are still lingering, and won't go completely away.

I'm frustrated and sad. I can't figure out how yesterday can be so great, when I actually had reasons for anxiety, and today can be so shitty when there weren't any reasons at all to be scared. We had planned for a fun day, just to keep the anxiety at bay.

I really just want to be me again. I want to let Matt go on his own, I want to go on my own. I want my freedom as I'm sure Matt does too. I want to go on vacations, or away from my comfort zone without hassle. Hell, I don't even want a fucking comfort zone. I want to like my job, I don't want to dread going back to work for the next four days like I've been doing since yesterday morning. I want to go back to school. I even registered, but there aren't really any online classes that suit me, and It makes me sad to think that I can't attend classes anymore. This is my favorite time of year, I love going back to school in the fall, and I miss it so much.

I want to be able to run to the store, any store too, not just one a mile away from home, which I can't even do that. I want to be able to look at my wedding pictures and remember happy times, not get sad and depressed because of the person I've morphed into, and then feel guilty that Matt married me. I want to ride motorcycles without a care like we used to, I want to hike without fear of going to far, or without worry of where we are.

I want to feel like a person each day instead of some strange creature that has a ton of unexplained symptoms that pop up daily. I want to know that I can take care of myself, by myself, and that I can take care of others without freaking out. I want to be able to go to the doctors if I need to without worrying about how I will react. I want to be able to go to a hospital if I need to visit someone, or take someone there without uncontrollable fear. I want to not worry about the future and what if's all the time. I want to feel relaxed instead of tense and sore on daily basis. I want to drive alone again, anywhere, especially over the darn hill. I want to be able to fly again. I want to be able to stand and talk to people, anyone without fear. I want to not feel trapped all the time.

I want to be free!

HOLY COW!!

You will not believe this, but I've actually had an anxiety free day!! All day! No symptoms, no nothing, I felt normal all darn day!!! I know! I can't stop shrieking either!

The weird thing is, I totally thought I would have issues, with my mom being in Tahoe, and having to go to Matt's work today, but nope, not a problem. I even had the head pressure thing a little bit at a restaurant and it was fine. Oh yeah, we ate at a restaurant, in high chairs that usually make me feel yucky, but It was all okay.

It was a good day too. We went to Matt's work, I played my games on the computer, while he had a meeting. We went to geek central and I read a magazine, while Matt looked at boring gadgets, then we went to Michaels, and then a very yummy Indian Restaurant for dinner, then it was off to rooster park where we found Fancy Feathers sitting up way high in his tree (that's how he doesn't get eaten, I've always wondered, smart bird), and finally we went home. I finished my collages, including the mess I made yesterday, and one came out super cool, and one is pretty decent. That's it, now I'm here writing my post, and soon I'll be eating and watching the Odd Couple.

Not a bad day at all! Please let there be more of them!

Things are a little better now

Well I feel better now that I had a meltdown tonight. I do not know where that came from, but all of a sudden I was feeling very low about myself, and the anxiety and my ability to get through this. Matt and I ended up having a long talk, and it was good.

Overall today was a good day. I had my ups and downs for sure, but it wasn't that bad. Felt good again upon waking up! This is very good. I even didn't have too much trouble while I was surfing the blogs in bed.

The real trouble started when we went to Johnnies. Man I don't know what it is with that place, but the anxiety/balance issues kicked in big time. Funny thing was I was pretty much fine in the hardware store, two minutes beforehand. I even wandered off on my own. I felt a little off balance, but that's because the floors are crazy slanted in there, It's like going for a hike, so that's to be expected.

In Johnnies though, I started out fine, I passed the cookies, and made it to the milk section when I turned around to look back at something, and then the funny business started. Balance issues galore. All of a sudden it was like I could hardly walk. Everything I do has to be extra careful, and it feels like it takes a huge effort to do it, even if it's just grabbing a couple jugs of milk.

We wandered around a bit, trying to decide what to do for dinner and then finally got in line. My coping strategy was to just deal with it basically, I let it be and carried on with the shopping as best I could. I didn't want to bust out a game or sing a song in the middle of the grocery store, so I dealt with it. Of course when we got home, it went away pretty fast.

Then we went on a walk with the cat, and lo and behold we ran into yet another chatty neighbor. Of course I had trouble standing and talking, and at some points it really felt like I couldn't deal much longer, but thank goodness, Lily came by, and wanted to be pet. She was a good distraction for the times when I felt really bad. Just bending down and petting her, got me out of that I can't stand a moment longer feeling.

Luckily things got better, because after the walk we went downstairs and I started 3 collages. I finished one really cool Halloween one, and have two more half finished. I started to get frustrated, because the colors just weren't coming out right, so I just walked away. I'm finding that only time, can make these collages better, so that is what I do now. Leave and do something else. Works pretty good.

Except for my unexpected meltdown after dinner, the rest of the night went fine as we prepared for submitting my art to the gallery next week, and I worked on new paintings. What's more, I feel pretty darn good!

Well I'm hungry, and the Odd Couple is calling me, so I'm off for the night. So so glad I don't work tomorrow!

TGIF!!!

Thank goodness today was better than yesterday. Actually yesterday was okay, except for that stupid headache. Ick.

So I woke up feeling good again and I had a decent day at work. I did have troubles, a couple hours into my shift, when the world started rocking on me again. I ignored it the best I could by drawing and concentrating on my actual work which helped, but when I went to take my break, I felt awful.

It's so strange how that works. I'm actually released from work for 15 minutes and I end up feeling worse than I did at work. We walked over to Jamba Juice and the whole time it was hard, not only that, but when we got there I had a hard time standing, so I sat down, well that was a mistake because it felt like I was on acid again. It was like the world is moving but I'm not. Almost like it's breathing in and out but I'm still. Maybe I'm having flashbacks, without the laughter, who knows.

Walking back to work was worse, and by the time I got there, I was all worked up. Strangely enough, I calmed down when I got back to my little station. The rest of the time was spent doing work and coping with anxiety. Sometimes I felt fine and then it would crop up again. So I coped by doing my work, and if I didn't have that I drew, or got up and walked around a bit.

It wasn't great, but it worked enough and finally my shift ended and we went straight to the park to feed the rooster which is always fun. On our way home though I felt really weird. It was like I was having that detached feeling again. I can really feel it in my face, my arms and my stomach. Don't ask. I can not explain more than that, except to say I just feel not totally real.

This lasted even after we got home, and then I thought what if I'm actually relaxed and I can't tell, because it's been so long? I mean in a way I really did feel relaxed. I wasn't having balance issues, I could breathe, heart wasn't racing, I wasn't dizzy, etc. It was like I was super tired, and I think that may have been part of the problem, because I took a nap, and actually slept. What's more, I woke up feeling good. And even better, I felt great the rest of the night.

Until now. Now I feel the balance shit, while sitting in the chair again as I type. I'm getting sick to my stomach, and I have to stop soon, but honestly before I started this post, I felt great!

In fact, I've been in my room drawing and coloring in images for my altered book that I'm trying to make.

Anyway, I can't stand the rocking anymore, so I'll go watch my shows and then go to bed. Thank god it's Wednesday, and I don't have to work the next 3 days!!!

Please put the hammers down

Sorry no post today, the headache that I had earlier, grew into a ginormous one complete with hammers pounding all over my head and in my eyes. It's a bit better now, but I'm pooped and can't even think straight.

In fact I can't figure out what to do, as even art doesn't sound good now, so yeah I feel like hell.

Thank god for Holidays!

Oh my gosh it was so nice, not to get up early for work today. Not only that, I woke up feeling pretty good. Before getting out of bed, I thought I was going to have some dizzy issues, and I sort of felt it, but if I did it was super minor as I was fine when I got up.

In fact I was feeling good almost the whole day! I went straight to my room to do some art today, and then we went down to mom's for dinner. The first time I felt bad, was getting in the car, and sitting down, then I started to feel the balance issues start up again ever so slightly. However, when we got to the gas station it really kicked in as I was looking around while waiting.

Of course then I started to really feel it, and for the first bit of the drive, maybe 5 minutes or so, I felt yucky. After that, it went away and I did really well at my mom's! Lately I've been having trouble talking even to my family, but tonight I felt good and was relaxed. It wasn't until right before we left when we were sitting around the table that I felt like the balance issues might be kicking in again. Whether or not it was I don't know, because we left then, and I was fine going home.

In fact I'm still doing pretty good. I've been in my room since we've been back and I almost finished the first page in a book I'm making. I do feel the balance issues a bit as I sit and type but hopefully they won't be too bad.

I think I'll call it a night soon as I have to work tomorrow. Bleh. I think I'll go watch the Odd Couple now.

Manic Monday

So I woke up swearing this morning. Don't get me wrong I felt pretty good, but the fact that 6:20 came along as fast as it did, immediately put me in a bad mood, and foul words came spewing from my mouth. My sudden bout of Tourettes wore off, as I woke up, but boy is it ever a shock to the system to have to get up so bloody early. I must have been a vampire in a former life, because I do not like the early morning unless it's when I am going to bed. When I was on disability, Matt and I would stay up til 4 or 5 every morning, and then sleep in til noon. Not good when it's winter and it gets dark 4 hours after you manage to extract yourself from bed.

Anyway work was okay for the most part. Anxiety wise I think I did pretty well. I had some rough patches, but for the most part it was good. It's hard to tell though, as I was in serious pain, due to intense cramps, so I was pretty miserable the last half of my shift. In fact I left a whole five minutes early because I couldn't take it anymore, I was near tears at that point, so I said fuck it and left. If I was going to be in pain, I wanted it to be in the comfort of my car or home or anywhere but stuck sitting at a desk answering phones.

I really shouldn't complain though, because I've been pretty good cramp wise the past 5 months or so, which is a miracle. It also makes me think that I don't need that surgery after all. In fact maybe I don't even have endometriosis, because if I did wouldn't I always have the pain? As usual I'm choosing to ignore the doctors advice and suffer because I'm too chicken to have surgery. Oh well. As of now, one day a month of excrutiating pain isn't enough to send me rushing to the OR.

On the way home, we stopped to see Fancy Feathers, and get this, he was out and about walking around the picnic tables again!!! It's been at least 3 weeks, since he's been able to come down from his tree house area, so naturally we are estatic that he is doing well enough to wander the park again. He is still limping and sometimes falling over, but he's definitely better, and we even saw him scratch around a little for food. This is really good if he can feed himself, because now we won't have to worry about him not having anything to eat. I really wish we could take him home, but he would make a fine dinner for our group of raccoons, skunks and coyotes out here, so I think not. Too bad.

I was a little dazed driving home, since I was still in pain, but finally we made it, and I was just sitting down to enjoy my time off and a sandwich, when Matt's brother called asking if they could come over and spend the night tonight. Oh lord, major panic time.

First of all, I was a disaster. All I wanted and needed to do was relax. The very last thing I wanted to do was do a major cleaning on the house, which is what it needed do to the various creatures that inhabit it on a daily basis, wild and domesticated.

The other issue was, I get anxiety really bad when his family comes over, because they always need to spend the night, and then I feel trapped. It is crazy I know, but I get scared because I feel embarrassed telling the family if I start freaking out, therefore I always keep it to myself and we all know how well that turns out. The other thing is what if we need to leave? How rude would that be, to up and leave guests behind? Crazy I know. But very scary to me now.

Anyway all these factors played a staring role for about 3 hours as various parties made up their minds about what to do. Finally we gave them the okay to come over. I could not say otherwise because then I would be keeping Matt from his family and vice versa. I didn't want to be responsible for them not being able to see each other. Too many times we have cancelled out on his family functions because of my anxiety, and I didn't want it to happen again.

In the end, they decided not to make the drive here due to bad traffic and the fact that it really is a long haul. The funny thing is by that time we had gotten a huge portion of the house cleaned and I was actually hoping they would come over. Ha. Now, I'm glad they didn't because it really is nice to just relax, and not entertain.

Needless to say, after all this hoopla I was exhausted, so I decided to take a short nap before dinner. Here's the thing though, after I found out about the in-laws possibly coming over, my anxiety kicked in and I felt funny walking around etc. Well after we found out they weren't coming, those sensations didn't lessen. In fact I was sitting on the couch trying to relax and read, but I felt very strange. Like I was moving, but I wasn't. Also I felt just a tiny bit detached. I was super tired though, so I thought I give sleeping a shot, thinking there was probably no way I would be able to lie down comfortably much less sleep.

Well I was wrong. The first initial lying of the head down felt yucky, but it very quickly went away, and soon I was sawing logs. And even better when I woke up, I felt 95% normal. It wasn't until I walked to the other room that I felt the tiniest bit strange, but that soon went away. This is progress of sorts. I haven't been able to take naps in over a year ( I took them everyday for years before), and now in the last week or two I've had, I think 3 decent ones.

So that brings us to now. We just finished dinner, and I am sitting in my room trying to relax further and writing my post. I feel pretty good, and I will sit here and read some more Somerset, and then watch my shows. No art tonight, it's been too hectic, but tomorrow I have off and I plan to work on a new journal. Wish me luck.

Pretty good day!

Today I woke up feeling normal!! In fact last night I had such a nice time doing art and stuff in my room that I had no issues at all when laying down to go to bed!!!! HUGE Deal. That almost never happens lately.

Anyway this morning I stayed that normal for awhile, until right before we got out of bed. Then the balance issues kicked in.

After the shower though they seemed to get better, and by the time we took Monkey for his walk after lunch, I was once again normal. That is until we stopped to talk to a neighbor. At first I was fine, but as the conversation wore on, I got increasingly off balance, and it was hard for me to keep standing there. Seems all our neighbors are particularly chatty, so we couldn't escape all that fast.

When we got home, the anxiety was stuck. We had already decided to go over the hill today to take care of the rooster, and while we were out I thought we might as well pop by the art stores. So even though I had anxiety, I felt it would be a good idea to go, since we would be visiting some of my favorite places.

The first store, Joann Fabrics, I actually had a hard time in. It wasn't horrible, but the anxiety didn't magically disappear either. I was a little surprised by this, but oh well. I managed okay. We then went to Michaels, and I still had a bit of a problem at first. As I recall, I was okay in the parking lot, but after walking in the store, I started to feel like it was hard to stand again. The balance got better as we wandered the store, but I really am surprised I had any issues at all. Usually it has a calming effect on me. I wasn't a wreck, but not completely at ease either.

Next we went to eat at Armillido Willie's and I really had a hard time ordering and paying for our food (you do that in line), but when we sat down, I was totally fine. In fact we had a really nice lunch, and afterwards It wasn't even a problem standing up or using the restroom.

We then went to the Halloween store and I was pretty much fine. Visiting the rooster was no issue either, and neither was driving 9 to go home. Once home, I went straight to my room and finished reading my book which really relaxed me, and then started on my current collage which frustrated me, but it's all good now. In fact Matt has been downstairs this whole time, and it's hasn't been a problem.

Right now, I'm waiting for my collage to dry and after this post, I'll read a magazine before going to the bedroom to watch The Odd Couple.

Tomorrow I work, and I'm more than depressed about that. Ick!

In my room

Well. I had a pretty good day today, with the minor exception of serious balance issues while out shopping (in town), but once we got home I was fine.

I even woke up pretty good. I kept thinking I would be really off balance as I walked around to get the cats fed, but really I was okay. I did have problems as usual after sitting in bed blogging for a couple hours, but once up and moving about, eventually all was fine.

I spent almost the whole day in my room. Most of the time I was doing art. I'm working on little 4x4 pages, just for giggles. If I got frustrated, I just sat in my papasan chair and read a book, until I felt like trying the art thing again.

I'm not used to relaxing so much, so I did feel guilty and semi nervous for about half the day, thinking I should be outside doing something summery since it's nice out, or I should be cleaning the house and the mountain of dishes residing on our kitchen counter, as I'm too lazy or occupied with art to do them.

Once we got back from the store around six, I pretty much gave up feeling guilty and just enjoyed my time, though it's probably because the day was pretty much over by then, well the daylight hours anyway. Oh yeah, and I did the dishes.

I have to say, it's wonderful being able to have my own space like this. I never really used it before, though I don't know why. Now it's set up so I don't have to leave really. In fact I've been in here so much, Matt came in about an hour ago, to work, so he could have some company. Usually we both sit in the living room on separate couches and sit at our respective laptops. You can really spend a day fast doing that.

I'm loving my new set up, and it's completely relaxing me. I can do my art, listen to my music or my shows, or read, or write etc, and I won't be bothering anybody. It's like I have some of my independence back.

Not a bad day

Okay so today I woke up with a bit of balance issues. Not bad, but enough to make me notice and worry just a tiny bit. It didn't stop me from doing anything, and went away fairly quick, but still it was a bit of a bummer.

I fooled around on the art blogs for a couple hours while waiting for Matt to get up, and by the last hour, the balance issues kicked in again, while sitting in bed. I worried a little bit, but once I got distracted enough they went away. Thank goodness.

After getting up, I went straight to my new art station and started to create a chunky book. I had finished a page, and was starting on another when I started to feel a bit off again. ARGH! So I stopped and had lunch and by the time I was done eating I was a mess. I went outside to get some perspective on things, and felt a tiny bit better.

I decided to vacuum and straighten up a bit to get my mind off things, and well that worked like a charm! I felt totally normal again.

Same thing happened last night. We met with Danny at Starbucks, and about halfway through our visit, I started freaking out. By the time we finally left, I was a complete mess. I really wasn't sure if we should go home, that's how bad I felt.

Well, we went to visit Mr. Fancy Pants, and sure enough I started feeling better. Once we got home, I had so much to do and take care of that it kept me busy for a couple hours. By the time I sat down to read my new magazine, I felt great! So I am finally starting to possibly believe this might be anxiety after all.

This afternoon was pretty good too. I had some minor issues at various stores, but not bad at all. And most of it I think was because I was agitated and needed to eat.

Now at home, I just read my Somerset magazine cover to cover, and it was wonderful! So nice to sit and relax, listening to my calm music in my pretty room. Honestly this was the best thing I could have done, was create this space. I feel more productive, relaxed, and creative in here.

Maybe I will get that book done after all!

So so sleepy....

Very tired, and have a headache tonight. I don't really want to write this post now, I 'll write more tomorrow. Let's just say had an anxiety filled day. Some really bad, some mild.

But I had a great night tonight! Anxiety wise that is. I felt normal, all night so far, but now I have a headache, no biggie, I'll just watch my shows now, and go to bed to sleep it off.

Tomorrow I'll write more.

I'm tired of being hungry

Whew, what a day! Woke up at 4:30 am hungry. Could not sleep without making something to eat, so I had an english muffin. I hate that! All I want to do is sleep and in the middle of the night I have to get up and eat. This lasted all darn day. No matter what or how much I ate, I could not get full. In fact I'm hungry now.

Anyway, when I woke up for work I was slightly off balance, but it was so slight, that I almost wasn't sure if it was real. So that wasn't too big an issue. My biggest problem was needing food all day.

Work was going along great until I heard that I had a meeting scheduled with my supervisor and office manager. Obviously I wasn't surprised, and I totally expected it, yet I was told 2 1/2 hours beforehand! Guess what I did that whole time? Yep. I totally stressed out, and worried about being trapped in the tiny office with my superiors and not being able to leave if I freaked out.

I was having some bad feelings, but mostly just nerves and shakiness. Not really balance issues, which was weird as I fully expected that to kick in, seeing how scared I was.

Well, the time finally rolled around for my talk, and thank god it wasn't bad at all! I was really really nervous at first, but it was so a case of the waiting/worrying being the worst part. Besides not freaking out, we actually had a good talk. And I came clean about my anxiety, which I'm totally relieved about now, as I feel that finally a few things must make sense. Also I can be honest now, when things are going bad, so I'm really happy about that. We actually talked about me taking a leave of absence to get "straightened out" with my anxiety. I don't need to, but I'm really leaning towards doing this, as work is a huge stresser for me.

After that, I completely calmed down, and when I got home was able to take a nap again without issue. The only problem is that after I woke up, I started feeling bad. waking up was fine, but about 10 minutes later, the weirdness started. I was getting that strange feeling in my face, like I'm dizzy but I'm not. I don't know how to describe it, but it makes moving around hard. Like bending down, and looking around, and walking even. Just weird. That has lasted for most of the night. It's better now though, thank goodness.

The other thing I did tonight was I set up a small art station in my writing room. I figure I designed this room as a special place for me to be in. It has everything I want, and I really would like to come in here sometimes and do some art. I don't always like going downstairs in the mold and cold, so I this space I made tonight will be for simple stuff like art journaling etc. I'm pretty excited about this. It will work out great on the days, we don't want to go downstairs.

Alright I can't take it any longer, I must eat something. Besides it's time for me to start getting ready for bed.

Thank god tomorrow is Friday!!!