Okay so I'm writing this real quick before I have to watch the Food Network. Tonight I've been working on my mom's painting for her birthday on Monday. It's turning out pretty cool, and I'm really excited because it's that new technique I was doing yesterday. If this works out I'm going to do a bunch of them, and then submit them to the next gallery show.
Speaking of gallery shows, we went to the reception tonight for all of 10 minutes. There really isn't much to do unless you know someone well enough to chit chat with, which we don't. And no one there is looking at art, they are all gabbing and eating, so we deposited the cookies I made and left. It sort of feels like a waste of time, but I think it was good I at least participated.
The rest of the day wasn't too bad either. We had to go to Matt's work and to pick up some parts. I had some anxiety with that, because I was afraid they were going to go to the conference room upstairs and sure enough they did, but Matt said I could go too, so I did. Feew. I was actually doing fine, drawing my zen tangles, but when it was time to go I got up and man that stupid balance/pressure/dizziness thing hit me. After that I felt weird for about an hour or so, but it finally went away, and by the time we went to see Mr. Feathers at the park I was ok.
I was fine too at the gallery opening, though I never did have a conversation with anyone. Either way, I'm doing really well tonight. And it was very nice to sit and paint again. It really is kind of meditative.
Alright I'm starving as usual, and my show is about to start, so I'm off.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The boat is rocking again
Well today was a much better day.
I was fairly productive, which I am surprised. Woke up good. Went for my drive after lunch. Was scared to pieces, until I got into town, and then I realized that it wasn't so bad after all. Ha. After my drive, I drove with Matt to the gallery to see my canvas, and yes indeed it was hanging! Oh joy. Though seeing everyone else's work (like always) makes me feel like an imposter artist. (The good news is, while there, I had no issues what so ever. Not even while talking to the gallery sitter. Then we went to the grocery store, and I was fine there too. Had to wait in line for a bit as well, and no issues at all. )
I really want to do other styles, as I have tons of interests. So tonight I have started to make a Zentangle, which is really really cool abstracty stuff. It's all about patterns and repeating them, and I never realized until now, how very Hundertwaser it was, which is a major bonus since I really like his work. I plan to transfer this drawing to canvas and then color it in. I'm pretty pleased with myself because I really like this process, and how it turned out. Now I can feel like a "real" artist. ( Just kidding).
But before I found Zentangles, Matt , Rico (neighborhood dog) and I went for a hike at the Scout Ranch as part of my homework. We climbed the hill to the part where it starts the other trail, this is where we always stop as I'm scared to continue because it starts making a loop, and once you start going too far, the exit is father and farther away. Next time we will go further though, so it should be interesting to see how long it takes us to do the whole loop. I would love to be able to hike again.
When we got home I started on dinner which was Split Pea soup and then I made chocolate chip cookies for the gallery reception tomorrow night. It was very nice being back in the kitchen and I cleaned and cooked and baked for several hours. I loved it, and I felt pretty good.
The weird stuff started when I finally sat down to read my magazine while the soup cooked the last 20 minutes. I started to feel the balance shit again, and now that dinner is done and I've been on the couch drawing, reading and watching t.v. I'm really feeling it hard. It's been pretty bad. It's like I feel realllllly heavy, and if I bob my head around or move it or any body part at all, I get the sensation that I'm swaying/rocking/off balance etc. really strong. I was actually getting sea sick for a bit while drawing but it went away.
Now the strange thing is this is coming and going. Mostly staying, but I can get into a sort of groove while drawing where I don't really feel it anymore. However, as soon as I shift around it comes back. Whatever. Not sure why that's happening, I really doubt it's anxiety as I'm having a really good day, and I wasn't worried about anything until this weirdness started. This is what I was talking about yesterday, nothing bad in my thoughts, no reason for anxiety issues...
So now I'm at the point where I'm hungry and ready to watch the Addams Family. I'm still feeling off balance wise, but I'm honestly trying so hard to ignore as best I can even if I do get sea sick.
Oh well, I hope it doesn't last too much longer....
I was fairly productive, which I am surprised. Woke up good. Went for my drive after lunch. Was scared to pieces, until I got into town, and then I realized that it wasn't so bad after all. Ha. After my drive, I drove with Matt to the gallery to see my canvas, and yes indeed it was hanging! Oh joy. Though seeing everyone else's work (like always) makes me feel like an imposter artist. (The good news is, while there, I had no issues what so ever. Not even while talking to the gallery sitter. Then we went to the grocery store, and I was fine there too. Had to wait in line for a bit as well, and no issues at all. )
I really want to do other styles, as I have tons of interests. So tonight I have started to make a Zentangle, which is really really cool abstracty stuff. It's all about patterns and repeating them, and I never realized until now, how very Hundertwaser it was, which is a major bonus since I really like his work. I plan to transfer this drawing to canvas and then color it in. I'm pretty pleased with myself because I really like this process, and how it turned out. Now I can feel like a "real" artist. ( Just kidding).
But before I found Zentangles, Matt , Rico (neighborhood dog) and I went for a hike at the Scout Ranch as part of my homework. We climbed the hill to the part where it starts the other trail, this is where we always stop as I'm scared to continue because it starts making a loop, and once you start going too far, the exit is father and farther away. Next time we will go further though, so it should be interesting to see how long it takes us to do the whole loop. I would love to be able to hike again.
When we got home I started on dinner which was Split Pea soup and then I made chocolate chip cookies for the gallery reception tomorrow night. It was very nice being back in the kitchen and I cleaned and cooked and baked for several hours. I loved it, and I felt pretty good.
The weird stuff started when I finally sat down to read my magazine while the soup cooked the last 20 minutes. I started to feel the balance shit again, and now that dinner is done and I've been on the couch drawing, reading and watching t.v. I'm really feeling it hard. It's been pretty bad. It's like I feel realllllly heavy, and if I bob my head around or move it or any body part at all, I get the sensation that I'm swaying/rocking/off balance etc. really strong. I was actually getting sea sick for a bit while drawing but it went away.
Now the strange thing is this is coming and going. Mostly staying, but I can get into a sort of groove while drawing where I don't really feel it anymore. However, as soon as I shift around it comes back. Whatever. Not sure why that's happening, I really doubt it's anxiety as I'm having a really good day, and I wasn't worried about anything until this weirdness started. This is what I was talking about yesterday, nothing bad in my thoughts, no reason for anxiety issues...
So now I'm at the point where I'm hungry and ready to watch the Addams Family. I'm still feeling off balance wise, but I'm honestly trying so hard to ignore as best I can even if I do get sea sick.
Oh well, I hope it doesn't last too much longer....
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
What the bloody hell?
I'm fed up! Just when I start to feel good about things, and think maybe there really is a way out of this anxiety shit, just when things are starting to look just the slightest bit normal.... yeah, I get hit with a tsunami of really bad symptoms.
I'm fed up with the lot of them.
I was doing pretty damn good today too, until we went to my mom's to pick up firewood. Well one thing led to another, and we stayed for dinner, which I was actually excited about as we were hungry, it's good food, and It's fun for me to be with my family especially since we don't get any visitors at our house.
Well things are moving along fine with dinner, but just when I stand up to put my dish in the sink.... tragedy happens. My balance is shot, I can hardly walk and when I do it's like I'm doing it through a huge fog. Even turning my head is hard. My reactions are shaky, and that weird dizzy but not dizzy sensation in my face (under eyes, cheeks and bridge of nose area) is going on. I mean really how do you get dizzy in your nose? Yet that is almost what the sensation feels like.
Okay, what the hell I want to know is why the fuck did that happen? Where was the reason? Yes it is important. I need to know why this is happening in times when I'm doing really well. Otherwise it just don't make sense. I mean how is it that certain distractions work, and keep anxiety away, yet when I'm enjoying myself, and totally not scared or thinking about anxiety it hits, and not just a little (i could sort of understand a little residual stuff), but a whole lot and severe symptoms too.
I mean really, I'm not anxious. I'm eating a good dinner with my family, in my very safest of places, and THAT shit happens??
The crazy thing is, these were exactly the feelings I anticipated at the doctors and they didn't happen, even though my anxiety was through the roof.
This? Right here? Is EXACTLY why I have a hard time believing these symptoms are anxiety.
How does that make any fucking sense? Cause I REALLY want to know.
I'm fed up with the lot of them.
I was doing pretty damn good today too, until we went to my mom's to pick up firewood. Well one thing led to another, and we stayed for dinner, which I was actually excited about as we were hungry, it's good food, and It's fun for me to be with my family especially since we don't get any visitors at our house.
Well things are moving along fine with dinner, but just when I stand up to put my dish in the sink.... tragedy happens. My balance is shot, I can hardly walk and when I do it's like I'm doing it through a huge fog. Even turning my head is hard. My reactions are shaky, and that weird dizzy but not dizzy sensation in my face (under eyes, cheeks and bridge of nose area) is going on. I mean really how do you get dizzy in your nose? Yet that is almost what the sensation feels like.
Okay, what the hell I want to know is why the fuck did that happen? Where was the reason? Yes it is important. I need to know why this is happening in times when I'm doing really well. Otherwise it just don't make sense. I mean how is it that certain distractions work, and keep anxiety away, yet when I'm enjoying myself, and totally not scared or thinking about anxiety it hits, and not just a little (i could sort of understand a little residual stuff), but a whole lot and severe symptoms too.
I mean really, I'm not anxious. I'm eating a good dinner with my family, in my very safest of places, and THAT shit happens??
The crazy thing is, these were exactly the feelings I anticipated at the doctors and they didn't happen, even though my anxiety was through the roof.
This? Right here? Is EXACTLY why I have a hard time believing these symptoms are anxiety.
How does that make any fucking sense? Cause I REALLY want to know.
Taco Tuesday
I am so pickin tired, that I'm going to make this as short as possible. I went to my mom's today for our Tuesday ritual, and had a really good time. I did very well symptom wise, and challenged myself several times during the day, and still my symptoms stayed pretty good.
I think I have some confidence from yesterday's debacle. So I went for a drive by myself on the real roads with cars and traffic lights, and then I went to Longs to do a return, but forgot to get the replacement item, so mom made me go back and get that. The first time I went was hard. I parked in the back and had to walk what felt like a mile, to the store all because I was afraid to travel the real streets because of traffic and not being able get around as quickly as possible.
When I got to the store, I got lucky and found a checker with no one in line. I was super nervous, and could not wait to get out. I didn't get to a really bad point like I sometimes do, but I certainly wasn't comfortable. Even walking back to the car I was still panicking somewhat.
When I had to go the second time, I took the real roads because I wanted to park in the lot this time, and oh my word it was so much easier. Even purchasing the item wasn't horrible, and I did the whole transaction with a somewhat calm interior. Very different from 5 minutes prior.
I was also left alone in Costco again. Mom wandered off, and down an isle while I had to wait in line. Now last time she did that, I thought I was going to collapse, so this time I was happy to find I did much much better.
In fact the whole day I felt pretty darn calm walking around and didn't have too much of an issue. I started feeling sensations here and there, but they didn't stay. I felt a lot more relaxed in the store situations than I have been lately.
Which is very very nice. It was a good day. Oh yeah and I pretty much woke up good too!
I think I have some confidence from yesterday's debacle. So I went for a drive by myself on the real roads with cars and traffic lights, and then I went to Longs to do a return, but forgot to get the replacement item, so mom made me go back and get that. The first time I went was hard. I parked in the back and had to walk what felt like a mile, to the store all because I was afraid to travel the real streets because of traffic and not being able get around as quickly as possible.
When I got to the store, I got lucky and found a checker with no one in line. I was super nervous, and could not wait to get out. I didn't get to a really bad point like I sometimes do, but I certainly wasn't comfortable. Even walking back to the car I was still panicking somewhat.
When I had to go the second time, I took the real roads because I wanted to park in the lot this time, and oh my word it was so much easier. Even purchasing the item wasn't horrible, and I did the whole transaction with a somewhat calm interior. Very different from 5 minutes prior.
I was also left alone in Costco again. Mom wandered off, and down an isle while I had to wait in line. Now last time she did that, I thought I was going to collapse, so this time I was happy to find I did much much better.
In fact the whole day I felt pretty darn calm walking around and didn't have too much of an issue. I started feeling sensations here and there, but they didn't stay. I felt a lot more relaxed in the store situations than I have been lately.
Which is very very nice. It was a good day. Oh yeah and I pretty much woke up good too!
Monday, October 26, 2009
I can relax now
Well my day is going much nicer after now. I worried and fretted all last night, and half today about my doctor appointment. I didn't think I would even get to the appointment, but my mom made sure that I did. I really had to take everything in baby steps. Like just getting over the hill to meet my mom, then getting in the car to drive to the office, then getting up the stairs and in the door, etc. It helped but I was still petrified.
When I got there, I seriously thought I wouldn't be able to make it. Truly I was going to walk out, I was shaking so hard, and my heart rate was 121!!! Not good. I felt like crap, and the stupid thing is, I'm not afraid of the doctor or the procedures, and the even stupider part is, I know exactly how the exam will go, as I do it every year, and that it takes maybe 10-15 minutes. Tops. And of course, except the anxiety symptoms that kicked in the second I was escorted to the room, the visit was fine.
Ugh! I'm so glad it's over, because it's been playing with my emotions this past week. Of course I feel better, but I did have residual effects for hours and even now at times afterwards. I really need to get control of this anxiety. It's pretty darn ridiculous.
When I got there, I seriously thought I wouldn't be able to make it. Truly I was going to walk out, I was shaking so hard, and my heart rate was 121!!! Not good. I felt like crap, and the stupid thing is, I'm not afraid of the doctor or the procedures, and the even stupider part is, I know exactly how the exam will go, as I do it every year, and that it takes maybe 10-15 minutes. Tops. And of course, except the anxiety symptoms that kicked in the second I was escorted to the room, the visit was fine.
Ugh! I'm so glad it's over, because it's been playing with my emotions this past week. Of course I feel better, but I did have residual effects for hours and even now at times afterwards. I really need to get control of this anxiety. It's pretty darn ridiculous.
Sunday musings
I know I'm slacking with the posts lately, but the truth is, I'm getting tired of doing the blog. I totally figured this would happen, as it does with everything I do, but I am surprised I kept it up as long as I did without faltering. So that's a plus.
Obviously I need to keep up with the posts, so I will definitely make a habit of doing so, I just hope I don't stop.
Now today has been interesting. It started off excellent. I woke up feeling really well. The morning was fine, but just as I was getting ready to take my piece to the gallery and after eating a huge wrap, I started having issues.
I suspect it was that I was so stuffed from lunch, I was having some trouble breathing, that always leads to panicky feelings and sure enough as we walk out the door the other symptoms start.
I tried to ignore it as best I could, because I knew once at the gallery I would be stuck filling out forms and talking to people, and I didn't want to panic.
Which is unfortunately what I did, I was actually thinking of how I could flee the place without looking stupid, but all of a sudden a calmness came over me, and I did fine the rest of the time.
However once I got home I was still feeling a little off, I played my game for a bit to try to calm down, which worked enough to allow me to read for a bit. Then I got tired and took a nap. Which turned out ok. I woke up fine, and was doing good, and even excited when I found the Iron Chef was starting tonight at 7.
For some odd reason ever since I started watching TV I've been having so many symptoms. First the pressure cooker, and then the weird I'm falling/can't walk/heavy feeling. It's driving me bananas, and I can't just shrug it off like I was able to with my issues yesterday.
It may be because I'm really dreading my doctor appointment tomorrow. I'm so scared about being trapped, and yes I really will be because I am actually being examined, unlike many of my other appointments where I just talk to them.
Anyway we will see how tomorrow and the rest of the night goes.
Obviously I need to keep up with the posts, so I will definitely make a habit of doing so, I just hope I don't stop.
Now today has been interesting. It started off excellent. I woke up feeling really well. The morning was fine, but just as I was getting ready to take my piece to the gallery and after eating a huge wrap, I started having issues.
I suspect it was that I was so stuffed from lunch, I was having some trouble breathing, that always leads to panicky feelings and sure enough as we walk out the door the other symptoms start.
I tried to ignore it as best I could, because I knew once at the gallery I would be stuck filling out forms and talking to people, and I didn't want to panic.
Which is unfortunately what I did, I was actually thinking of how I could flee the place without looking stupid, but all of a sudden a calmness came over me, and I did fine the rest of the time.
However once I got home I was still feeling a little off, I played my game for a bit to try to calm down, which worked enough to allow me to read for a bit. Then I got tired and took a nap. Which turned out ok. I woke up fine, and was doing good, and even excited when I found the Iron Chef was starting tonight at 7.
For some odd reason ever since I started watching TV I've been having so many symptoms. First the pressure cooker, and then the weird I'm falling/can't walk/heavy feeling. It's driving me bananas, and I can't just shrug it off like I was able to with my issues yesterday.
It may be because I'm really dreading my doctor appointment tomorrow. I'm so scared about being trapped, and yes I really will be because I am actually being examined, unlike many of my other appointments where I just talk to them.
Anyway we will see how tomorrow and the rest of the night goes.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
So I almost forgot to post
So today not much has happened except I finally finished my collage for the gallery show tomorrow. feew!
It's weird now that it's done, I feel like I have nothing to do, and feel a little restless, even though I was really looking forward to being able to sit and read, which I did for a few hours, but gave it up to watch the Iron Chef.
So I woke up sort of not good. It didn't last long, but my balance did seem comprimised at first. I've also been struggling all day, with strange sensations, (balance mostly), but I've been doing my best to ignore them, and I do notice that when I get truly busy with something such as sweeping the deck or doing the dishes, that I feel alright.
That's really my day, not too much to report. Tomorrow I will turn in my piece to the gallery, and Monday I have to go to the doctor, which I'm already hesitant about, but my mom and Matt will both escort me to make sure I go. So that should be interesting.
It's weird now that it's done, I feel like I have nothing to do, and feel a little restless, even though I was really looking forward to being able to sit and read, which I did for a few hours, but gave it up to watch the Iron Chef.
So I woke up sort of not good. It didn't last long, but my balance did seem comprimised at first. I've also been struggling all day, with strange sensations, (balance mostly), but I've been doing my best to ignore them, and I do notice that when I get truly busy with something such as sweeping the deck or doing the dishes, that I feel alright.
That's really my day, not too much to report. Tomorrow I will turn in my piece to the gallery, and Monday I have to go to the doctor, which I'm already hesitant about, but my mom and Matt will both escort me to make sure I go. So that should be interesting.
Not much to report
Well I haven't posted in a few days, but it's not entirely my fault. Blogger was down when I tried blogging last night, so I didn't pursue it.
I have been very very busy with my collage today and last night. There really isn't much to report except to say that yesterday I had an anxiety free day we even went to the grocery store, and I was fine and had to wait in a terribly long line. Whoo hoo! And today was pretty much the same, even though we went to several stores in South San Jose, and had to wait in very very very long lines.
And the cool thing was I did very well in the lines, I had no issue at all.
I don't have a whole lot of time tonight, as I'm still working on my piece which needs to be basically done tonight so it will dry in time for Sunday's submission. so the only thing that is really bothering me today and now, is that I am somewhat sort of dizzy. It's not completely dizzy, but totally on the verge, and that is bothering me, but other than that, I'm fine.
So with that, I really need to go, as it is late, and I'm tired, and I can not wait til that darn collage is done.
I have been very very busy with my collage today and last night. There really isn't much to report except to say that yesterday I had an anxiety free day we even went to the grocery store, and I was fine and had to wait in a terribly long line. Whoo hoo! And today was pretty much the same, even though we went to several stores in South San Jose, and had to wait in very very very long lines.
And the cool thing was I did very well in the lines, I had no issue at all.
I don't have a whole lot of time tonight, as I'm still working on my piece which needs to be basically done tonight so it will dry in time for Sunday's submission. so the only thing that is really bothering me today and now, is that I am somewhat sort of dizzy. It's not completely dizzy, but totally on the verge, and that is bothering me, but other than that, I'm fine.
So with that, I really need to go, as it is late, and I'm tired, and I can not wait til that darn collage is done.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Good day
Yea, I finally had a good day most of the day. I woke up good again, and went to my mom's. I was nervous on the ride down a bit, as we got stuck in road work traffic on 17, but it really wasn't bad, and we never stopped moving.
When I got to my mom's I was fine, but then we drove to Costco and on the way there, I was getting nervous, I had a really hard time for the first bit of the store, but I did wander on my own, while my mom waited in the return line. I was super scared at first and started to have the balance/head issues, but then as we shopped, I was felt normal again.
After that we went to my brothers school to pick him up, and for some reason, I was having a horrible time with balance while sitting in the car, every movement made me sick to my stomach. This lasted til we went and fed the rooster, and at the park I was feeling not so hot (plus I started getting nervous), but then it sort of went away, and by the time we got home I seemed to be fine.
I even went to a store on my own today, I drove over the scrapbook store near my parents house and stayed there for 30 minutes!! Crazy. I was scared, but I did it.
I just got home now, and I'm doing fine. Feeew. I just need to eat and watch tv and all will be well.
When I got to my mom's I was fine, but then we drove to Costco and on the way there, I was getting nervous, I had a really hard time for the first bit of the store, but I did wander on my own, while my mom waited in the return line. I was super scared at first and started to have the balance/head issues, but then as we shopped, I was felt normal again.
After that we went to my brothers school to pick him up, and for some reason, I was having a horrible time with balance while sitting in the car, every movement made me sick to my stomach. This lasted til we went and fed the rooster, and at the park I was feeling not so hot (plus I started getting nervous), but then it sort of went away, and by the time we got home I seemed to be fine.
I even went to a store on my own today, I drove over the scrapbook store near my parents house and stayed there for 30 minutes!! Crazy. I was scared, but I did it.
I just got home now, and I'm doing fine. Feeew. I just need to eat and watch tv and all will be well.
Boring!
So today was a bit boring seeing as we never left the house. Oh wait, yes we did to go to the store, and I had mild anxiety there, but certainly not enough to write about.
The main thing that happened was I had to cancel my doctors appointment tomorrow because I had worked myself into a frenzy today. I could not concentrate or relax due to nerves, so I thought it best to reschedule for next week after I have more therapy. The really stupid thing is I like this doctor, and I am not afraid at all of him nor the procedures he does, but I couldn't get over my fear of being trapped.
The rest of the day, went by in a somewhat boring blur. I did work on my collage though, and am almost done. I just have to add embellishments and then it will be finished.
I also had moments of anxiety, most extremely while reading the end of my book on Katherine Howard (this happens every time I read this story), somehow the fact that she gets beheaded always evokes extreme anxiety in me, and while anticipating my doctors appointment.
Other than that the anxiety was here and there and bothersome, but not really keeping me from doing anything (well except everything I'm scared of).
I really really need to keep to some kind of schedule, because If I allow myself to float around aimlessly throughout the day, I get absolutely nothing done, then I get irritated and depressed, because I wasted yet another day.
Seriously I need to work on this. Luckily I have this project to get done for the gallery, but after that?...
The main thing that happened was I had to cancel my doctors appointment tomorrow because I had worked myself into a frenzy today. I could not concentrate or relax due to nerves, so I thought it best to reschedule for next week after I have more therapy. The really stupid thing is I like this doctor, and I am not afraid at all of him nor the procedures he does, but I couldn't get over my fear of being trapped.
The rest of the day, went by in a somewhat boring blur. I did work on my collage though, and am almost done. I just have to add embellishments and then it will be finished.
I also had moments of anxiety, most extremely while reading the end of my book on Katherine Howard (this happens every time I read this story), somehow the fact that she gets beheaded always evokes extreme anxiety in me, and while anticipating my doctors appointment.
Other than that the anxiety was here and there and bothersome, but not really keeping me from doing anything (well except everything I'm scared of).
I really really need to keep to some kind of schedule, because If I allow myself to float around aimlessly throughout the day, I get absolutely nothing done, then I get irritated and depressed, because I wasted yet another day.
Seriously I need to work on this. Luckily I have this project to get done for the gallery, but after that?...
Monday, October 19, 2009
It's been a rough 2 two days
I know I didn't post yesterday. I actually thought of it, and then decided I didn't feel like it, which is usually how I start slacking on things, and then I never finish them. I don't know what came over me, but it probably didn't help that I had a very emotional night and just didn't have the energy to write afterwards.
It should have been a good day, and actually the day itself was fine. I woke up feeling good, we went to the gallery to work for 3 hours, I felt odd there, and had a hard time walking etc, but I think I was just nervous, having to deal with people, and being in a place where I am responsible.
Right before we closed my family came up to look at my art on display, then we all went to dinner at the German restaurant for the Octoberfest. This should have been a great time. However, I was dealing with anxiety at having to sit in a very crowded restaurant for two hours, and then my low self esteem/body image issues flared up again, which really fucked up the rest of the night.
Matt and I ended up talking for hours, because I could not get out of that funk. Finally I did, but it was a loooooong and emotional night.
So that brings us to today. I woke up feeling wonderful, and felt great for the whole morning. I started right away on my collage for the show, and everything was fine. Then something strange happened.
I was working on my piece, when I started feeling off. My balance was strange, and I was having those weird feelings in my head/face. Kinda vibrating/shaky feelings. I tried to brush it off, as being tired, and standing too long, but it persisted. So I went and played my game for a bit, and felt a little better. I went back to the art, and was feeling pretty good, but then we took the cat for a walk, and that's when things got bad.
For some reason, I really started to feel as if I couldn't handle my sensations. It was like I was having extreme anxiety symptoms, with no real anxiety. Up until it first hit, I was feeling fine, and totally thinking about my art. I admit, I had been extremely frustrated, earlier because I was dealing with photoshop and my computer crashing etc, but I had gotten over that, so that shouldn't have been the issue.
Anyway by the time we got home it was almost dark, and as I was walking up the steps, I really started to think, if something happened, where I had to be brave, I would not be able to deal with it, I didn't feel I was physically capable. I really can't describe how I felt, but it was strong. I've been this way before, but usually in scary situations. Such as feeling really trapped.
I came inside, and played my game for a long time which really helped, had dinner, and then started reading my anxiety workbook, because I was still a little nervous. After that, I felt fine, and started working on my art again. I got a lot done today, so I feel good about that.
I feel pretty good now, except for being starving. Which means I'm signing off now, so I can eat.
It should have been a good day, and actually the day itself was fine. I woke up feeling good, we went to the gallery to work for 3 hours, I felt odd there, and had a hard time walking etc, but I think I was just nervous, having to deal with people, and being in a place where I am responsible.
Right before we closed my family came up to look at my art on display, then we all went to dinner at the German restaurant for the Octoberfest. This should have been a great time. However, I was dealing with anxiety at having to sit in a very crowded restaurant for two hours, and then my low self esteem/body image issues flared up again, which really fucked up the rest of the night.
Matt and I ended up talking for hours, because I could not get out of that funk. Finally I did, but it was a loooooong and emotional night.
So that brings us to today. I woke up feeling wonderful, and felt great for the whole morning. I started right away on my collage for the show, and everything was fine. Then something strange happened.
I was working on my piece, when I started feeling off. My balance was strange, and I was having those weird feelings in my head/face. Kinda vibrating/shaky feelings. I tried to brush it off, as being tired, and standing too long, but it persisted. So I went and played my game for a bit, and felt a little better. I went back to the art, and was feeling pretty good, but then we took the cat for a walk, and that's when things got bad.
For some reason, I really started to feel as if I couldn't handle my sensations. It was like I was having extreme anxiety symptoms, with no real anxiety. Up until it first hit, I was feeling fine, and totally thinking about my art. I admit, I had been extremely frustrated, earlier because I was dealing with photoshop and my computer crashing etc, but I had gotten over that, so that shouldn't have been the issue.
Anyway by the time we got home it was almost dark, and as I was walking up the steps, I really started to think, if something happened, where I had to be brave, I would not be able to deal with it, I didn't feel I was physically capable. I really can't describe how I felt, but it was strong. I've been this way before, but usually in scary situations. Such as feeling really trapped.
I came inside, and played my game for a long time which really helped, had dinner, and then started reading my anxiety workbook, because I was still a little nervous. After that, I felt fine, and started working on my art again. I got a lot done today, so I feel good about that.
I feel pretty good now, except for being starving. Which means I'm signing off now, so I can eat.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Oh boy
Today was terrible anxiety wise. It started while getting ready to go over the hill this morning. First I thought I couldn't breathe, then the balance stuff started. I felt a little better while driving over, but when we got to the park to feed the rooster, I noticed I was still kinda bad.
We had to go to Matt's work, and I was pretty nervous about that, since I was feeling weird, but I did okay there, especially since I had my milkshake and nintendo to play. Totally helped and I was fine, while there.
After we left we were off to meet my step mom who is in town on business for dinner. Well I was sort of apprehensive seeing as she and my dad know nothing about my anxiety issues, so I was sort of worried how I would react, since escaping if need be would be really hard.
When we got to the hotel, the balance shit kicked in real quick just getting out of the car, but then once we got going and visiting I did fine. At the burrito place I was good. No issues. But, then we got back to the hotel to eat our food, and holy moley, shit hit the fan.
I felt like I was constantly swaying in my chair, my eyes were playing tricks on me in the dark, and sometimes it would look like the world was moving around me, and other times it seemed it was coming at me. Needless to say, sitting in the chair at the table was horrible! I was BAD, like I really thought I would fall, I was crazy unsteady, and of course I worried about that constantly.
I couldn't say anything either, and that made it worse. By the time we left though I had calmed down a bit, but man it sure was a tricky evening. I'm still recuperating, and in fact had to play my game when I got home. I've got a horrible headache now, and just need to relax. That took so much out of me, and it's a shame, because it was a nice visit, and it's always fun. I'm bummed the anxiety hit so bad, but then again it was that kind of day today.
I sure hope tomorrow is better, because we need to work in the gallery and then my family is coming up for dinner at the German restaurant, oh boy not sure how that will be. Last time it was a nightmare.
We had to go to Matt's work, and I was pretty nervous about that, since I was feeling weird, but I did okay there, especially since I had my milkshake and nintendo to play. Totally helped and I was fine, while there.
After we left we were off to meet my step mom who is in town on business for dinner. Well I was sort of apprehensive seeing as she and my dad know nothing about my anxiety issues, so I was sort of worried how I would react, since escaping if need be would be really hard.
When we got to the hotel, the balance shit kicked in real quick just getting out of the car, but then once we got going and visiting I did fine. At the burrito place I was good. No issues. But, then we got back to the hotel to eat our food, and holy moley, shit hit the fan.
I felt like I was constantly swaying in my chair, my eyes were playing tricks on me in the dark, and sometimes it would look like the world was moving around me, and other times it seemed it was coming at me. Needless to say, sitting in the chair at the table was horrible! I was BAD, like I really thought I would fall, I was crazy unsteady, and of course I worried about that constantly.
I couldn't say anything either, and that made it worse. By the time we left though I had calmed down a bit, but man it sure was a tricky evening. I'm still recuperating, and in fact had to play my game when I got home. I've got a horrible headache now, and just need to relax. That took so much out of me, and it's a shame, because it was a nice visit, and it's always fun. I'm bummed the anxiety hit so bad, but then again it was that kind of day today.
I sure hope tomorrow is better, because we need to work in the gallery and then my family is coming up for dinner at the German restaurant, oh boy not sure how that will be. Last time it was a nightmare.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
It's hard to think of titles that apply to your day sometimes
Not much happened today. I woke up with an anxiety attack, dreaming that I was stuck in an elevator without food or my Nintendo DS, very very scary.
I had good intentions today, but my main problem was I went to bed at 4 am, so when I woke up in terror at 10:30, I was still very tired. Unfortunately I was unable to fall back asleep due to issues with the cats, so I tried to wake up, and go about my day. It just didn't work, I was so tired I couldn't really concentrate, so finally at 3 I gave in and took a nap.
I woke up at 4:30 with another panic attack. This time my heart was beating outside my chest. I decided to just get up then and thankfully I was feeling much better once my heart resumed beating normally.
I finally set about to start my painting, and it was then that Matt suggested taking Monkey for a walk. So we did, as I really wanted to get out of the house for a bit. When we got back, I started in on my canvas. I worked for a couple hours, but standing that long is hard on my back so I went and did the dishes. I know that makes no sense, as I had to stand for that too, but I wanted to get them done so badly so I could relax.
I finally collapsed on the couch with book in hand around 9:30, and have been reading ever since. That's pretty much my day, other than I did various loads of laundry also.
For the most part, I have been pretty good anxiety wise. Before my nap, I felt strange, but I"m almost positive that is due to lack of sleep. Especially since I feel fine now, and have been since I woke up. I do occasionally feel off balance or maybe even sort of sick to my stomach a bit, but it doesn't seem to last long, and I wonder how much of that is really real.
So besides the anxiety attacks in my sleep, twice -which is a little odd come to think of it-I have done very well physically. Now if I could stop feeling guilty for not doing things sooner, and needing to get more accomplished with my day, that would be great.
I had good intentions today, but my main problem was I went to bed at 4 am, so when I woke up in terror at 10:30, I was still very tired. Unfortunately I was unable to fall back asleep due to issues with the cats, so I tried to wake up, and go about my day. It just didn't work, I was so tired I couldn't really concentrate, so finally at 3 I gave in and took a nap.
I woke up at 4:30 with another panic attack. This time my heart was beating outside my chest. I decided to just get up then and thankfully I was feeling much better once my heart resumed beating normally.
I finally set about to start my painting, and it was then that Matt suggested taking Monkey for a walk. So we did, as I really wanted to get out of the house for a bit. When we got back, I started in on my canvas. I worked for a couple hours, but standing that long is hard on my back so I went and did the dishes. I know that makes no sense, as I had to stand for that too, but I wanted to get them done so badly so I could relax.
I finally collapsed on the couch with book in hand around 9:30, and have been reading ever since. That's pretty much my day, other than I did various loads of laundry also.
For the most part, I have been pretty good anxiety wise. Before my nap, I felt strange, but I"m almost positive that is due to lack of sleep. Especially since I feel fine now, and have been since I woke up. I do occasionally feel off balance or maybe even sort of sick to my stomach a bit, but it doesn't seem to last long, and I wonder how much of that is really real.
So besides the anxiety attacks in my sleep, twice -which is a little odd come to think of it-I have done very well physically. Now if I could stop feeling guilty for not doing things sooner, and needing to get more accomplished with my day, that would be great.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Some serious late night ramblings.
Ack! I fully meant to paint tonight. I was inspired and ready to finally start my project for the gallery show, then I accidentally found the artist Gustav Klimt while searching for collage images, and whoopsie daisy, hours have gone by and I'm still looking at his stuff and reading about him. Very cool artist.
So now I still want to paint but it's like midnight and I'm crazy tired, and don't think I should start such a big project right now. I will do it tomorrow though, and I want to read some more of that anxiety workbook. Specifically the part on nutrition, because I know without a doubt I could benefit from changing my diet. Besides, a lot of my weird feelings come after eating, so it is possible there is something I'm eating that makes me feel kinda funky, and then I go and create a big panic over the sensations etc. I also want to read the self esteem part, because I have a very strong feeling if I can get more of that, I may feel more able to tackle more of my problems.
I'm learning through therapy and the book, that I have perfectionist tendencies, which of course I never would have guessed, as I see perfectionists as ones having incredible attention to detail, and wanting things to be just so. Perfectly. Which isn't me at all, as I constantly miss details and get impatient when needing to spend time with them.
But, apparently my image of a perfectionist isn't always the case. Some are like me, who never feel they are good enough, and constantly strive for approval. Bingo!! That sums up a huge part of my life right there. Always trying to win the approval of my mom. And I have never felt like I was a good enough child/daughter to her.
I specifically remember before my brother was born, thinking and saying, that I hope he turns out to be the child they wanted. And of course he is. Perfectly. I don't feel any anomosity about that fact. I'm proud of all his accomplishments and glad he is a good, and studious kid. I wish him well, and know he will be a very successful person.
And, I wish I was like that at his age, but my times were different, and perhaps it is coming from a broken marriage and/or having parents that were way to young to be having kids, that I didn't turn out exactly as any of us planned/hoped. Including myself.
Now, however, I'm older and married. I get along with my mom very well, and she is finally starting to accept me. Funny though, her attitude change tremendously towards me after I got hitched. Not sure if that was a coincedince or not, but I'm certainly not complaining.
Still, even though I'm married, and an adult by all intents and purposes, I'm trying to find acceptance, and be good enough for my husband (as well as my mom). I suppose he did accept me, since he married me, but then again, he knew nothing about the anxiety, as it didn't show up until after the ceremony. The main thing is, I can not forget some things that were said in the beginning of our relationship.
There was a time right before we took our first vacation, that I sensed something wasn't quite right. Mind you we had only been going out for a month, so what I'm about to say may seem silly. But, I finally got out of him what was bothering him, and he told me that he, "wasn't sure if I was the one"
Now my first thought was, fantastic. Just what I want to hear. Could he have not kept that to himself, or more importantly sugar coated it a little? But I did ask, so I guess I had that coming to me (but I certainly didn't think I would hear that!). After the initial hurt, I started to think, 'well who the fuck knows if someone is the one after going out for a freaking month.'
Apparently he had some fantasy in his head about his ideal girl, and how she would be, and I wasn't that way. There is something to be said for being too honest. At least so soon in the relationship, because obviously as was in our case, things worked out for the better, so I really did not need to have that information entered into my memory banks. I cannot get it out, no matter how hard I try.
After that, I have to admit, the prospect of going on a two week vacation with someone who thought this way about me, didn't appeal so much anymore.
Then, there was the time, after two weeks of dating that he let loose the information (loose lips sink ships remember) that I was not his physical type. This time I promise you I did not ask for this little tid bit.
Since our relationship was so new, I blew it off at the time, but now? And in the months leading up to our marriage? I thought about it a lot. Let me tell you. I cannot get rid of the thought that he settled for me. This theory is fully backed by how he got together with his ex girlfriend. Out of guilt btw.
So now I wonder if because he was getting older, and hadn't been in a relationship for several years, maybe he even thought he wouldn't find someone else,- did he pop the question out of pressure, guilt, or just because some nice girl came along and since he hadn't found anything better, thought he would settle for me?
Though for the record, I never once asked him about marriage so he should not have felt pressured, though he say he did a little. I always let him instigate the topic, because I knew I found a good thing, and I wasn't about to scare it away by mentioning the dreaded M word.
Then there is the issue of body image. My image specifically. I have always been down on how I looked, but this was brought out big time when we met. First because his bedroom was like a shrine to female body. Every available space was covered in pictures, figurines, whatever of women. And none of them looked like me. To add to that, he is an excellent drawer/artist. His subject matter? Girls of course. All drawn with figures that look nothing like me.
This is what I have to compete with. My thought process go like this... his taste in women is obvious based on the images plastered all over the house, and the subject matter he draws. If he was drawn to overweight women (like myself), he would have pictures, and artwork to display such feelings. You create what you like and you display what you like. It makes no sense to display things which do not have any appeal.
In general, I feel that guys are attracted to the "ideal body" that society portrays everywhere. (that a fucking lot-this is a huge pet peeve of mine btw). But in real life most women, (though I am noticing an alarming trend in very skinny girls, with less clothes than usual parading around-and very very young ones at that, hello? This is how pedephiles get their start I'm sure. In fact I'm actually starting to wonder if there is a new "supermodel" breed because everywhere I look I see young tall toothpicks with perfect hair, clothes and features I suppose the men of their generation will be most pleased.) do not look like that (at least in my generation or at least not without lots of money and surgical intervention).
So guess what? They have to settle with ones they find nice and get along with, and at least a little bit attractive. But they are nowhere near what they would really want physically. Unless they have money, then their women can be sent in for annual maintenance and paint jobs so they look how the men want them to. I don't know why, but I'm thinking of the Stepford Wives for some reason.
Anyway, my long winded point is, it's a little hard to feel good about oneself when you have the competition staring you in the face everywhere you look. This is how I feel about my relationship with my husband. Pretty shitty huh?
I do feel he genuinly likes me, and loves me and sees good things in me, but I cannot buy no matter what he says now, that he is actually physically attracted to me.
Besides the stupid words he said in those first two weeks. I am not blind. I see what I look like in the mirror, as much as I try to avoid looking, that piece of glass does not lie, and I know what you see isn't a good thing.
What the hell, I so didn't mean to go off on this tangent tonight. In fact I wasn't really thinking about it, so I'm not really sure where this came from. At first I didn't want to openly share this information, but since it's Obviously it's a big issue with me, and this is my blog about anxieties and my life, well why the hell not right?
See what I mean? It's obvious I need help with self esteem.
So now I still want to paint but it's like midnight and I'm crazy tired, and don't think I should start such a big project right now. I will do it tomorrow though, and I want to read some more of that anxiety workbook. Specifically the part on nutrition, because I know without a doubt I could benefit from changing my diet. Besides, a lot of my weird feelings come after eating, so it is possible there is something I'm eating that makes me feel kinda funky, and then I go and create a big panic over the sensations etc. I also want to read the self esteem part, because I have a very strong feeling if I can get more of that, I may feel more able to tackle more of my problems.
I'm learning through therapy and the book, that I have perfectionist tendencies, which of course I never would have guessed, as I see perfectionists as ones having incredible attention to detail, and wanting things to be just so. Perfectly. Which isn't me at all, as I constantly miss details and get impatient when needing to spend time with them.
But, apparently my image of a perfectionist isn't always the case. Some are like me, who never feel they are good enough, and constantly strive for approval. Bingo!! That sums up a huge part of my life right there. Always trying to win the approval of my mom. And I have never felt like I was a good enough child/daughter to her.
I specifically remember before my brother was born, thinking and saying, that I hope he turns out to be the child they wanted. And of course he is. Perfectly. I don't feel any anomosity about that fact. I'm proud of all his accomplishments and glad he is a good, and studious kid. I wish him well, and know he will be a very successful person.
And, I wish I was like that at his age, but my times were different, and perhaps it is coming from a broken marriage and/or having parents that were way to young to be having kids, that I didn't turn out exactly as any of us planned/hoped. Including myself.
Now, however, I'm older and married. I get along with my mom very well, and she is finally starting to accept me. Funny though, her attitude change tremendously towards me after I got hitched. Not sure if that was a coincedince or not, but I'm certainly not complaining.
Still, even though I'm married, and an adult by all intents and purposes, I'm trying to find acceptance, and be good enough for my husband (as well as my mom). I suppose he did accept me, since he married me, but then again, he knew nothing about the anxiety, as it didn't show up until after the ceremony. The main thing is, I can not forget some things that were said in the beginning of our relationship.
There was a time right before we took our first vacation, that I sensed something wasn't quite right. Mind you we had only been going out for a month, so what I'm about to say may seem silly. But, I finally got out of him what was bothering him, and he told me that he, "wasn't sure if I was the one"
Now my first thought was, fantastic. Just what I want to hear. Could he have not kept that to himself, or more importantly sugar coated it a little? But I did ask, so I guess I had that coming to me (but I certainly didn't think I would hear that!). After the initial hurt, I started to think, 'well who the fuck knows if someone is the one after going out for a freaking month.'
Apparently he had some fantasy in his head about his ideal girl, and how she would be, and I wasn't that way. There is something to be said for being too honest. At least so soon in the relationship, because obviously as was in our case, things worked out for the better, so I really did not need to have that information entered into my memory banks. I cannot get it out, no matter how hard I try.
After that, I have to admit, the prospect of going on a two week vacation with someone who thought this way about me, didn't appeal so much anymore.
Then, there was the time, after two weeks of dating that he let loose the information (loose lips sink ships remember) that I was not his physical type. This time I promise you I did not ask for this little tid bit.
Since our relationship was so new, I blew it off at the time, but now? And in the months leading up to our marriage? I thought about it a lot. Let me tell you. I cannot get rid of the thought that he settled for me. This theory is fully backed by how he got together with his ex girlfriend. Out of guilt btw.
So now I wonder if because he was getting older, and hadn't been in a relationship for several years, maybe he even thought he wouldn't find someone else,- did he pop the question out of pressure, guilt, or just because some nice girl came along and since he hadn't found anything better, thought he would settle for me?
Though for the record, I never once asked him about marriage so he should not have felt pressured, though he say he did a little. I always let him instigate the topic, because I knew I found a good thing, and I wasn't about to scare it away by mentioning the dreaded M word.
Then there is the issue of body image. My image specifically. I have always been down on how I looked, but this was brought out big time when we met. First because his bedroom was like a shrine to female body. Every available space was covered in pictures, figurines, whatever of women. And none of them looked like me. To add to that, he is an excellent drawer/artist. His subject matter? Girls of course. All drawn with figures that look nothing like me.
This is what I have to compete with. My thought process go like this... his taste in women is obvious based on the images plastered all over the house, and the subject matter he draws. If he was drawn to overweight women (like myself), he would have pictures, and artwork to display such feelings. You create what you like and you display what you like. It makes no sense to display things which do not have any appeal.
In general, I feel that guys are attracted to the "ideal body" that society portrays everywhere. (that a fucking lot-this is a huge pet peeve of mine btw). But in real life most women, (though I am noticing an alarming trend in very skinny girls, with less clothes than usual parading around-and very very young ones at that, hello? This is how pedephiles get their start I'm sure. In fact I'm actually starting to wonder if there is a new "supermodel" breed because everywhere I look I see young tall toothpicks with perfect hair, clothes and features I suppose the men of their generation will be most pleased.) do not look like that (at least in my generation or at least not without lots of money and surgical intervention).
So guess what? They have to settle with ones they find nice and get along with, and at least a little bit attractive. But they are nowhere near what they would really want physically. Unless they have money, then their women can be sent in for annual maintenance and paint jobs so they look how the men want them to. I don't know why, but I'm thinking of the Stepford Wives for some reason.
Anyway, my long winded point is, it's a little hard to feel good about oneself when you have the competition staring you in the face everywhere you look. This is how I feel about my relationship with my husband. Pretty shitty huh?
I do feel he genuinly likes me, and loves me and sees good things in me, but I cannot buy no matter what he says now, that he is actually physically attracted to me.
Besides the stupid words he said in those first two weeks. I am not blind. I see what I look like in the mirror, as much as I try to avoid looking, that piece of glass does not lie, and I know what you see isn't a good thing.
What the hell, I so didn't mean to go off on this tangent tonight. In fact I wasn't really thinking about it, so I'm not really sure where this came from. At first I didn't want to openly share this information, but since it's Obviously it's a big issue with me, and this is my blog about anxieties and my life, well why the hell not right?
See what I mean? It's obvious I need help with self esteem.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I hate storms
Oh what a day. I have been on edge since 2:30 this morning. I did not sleep thanks to the rain. Wait let me take that back. I sort of slept from 2:30 to 4:44 am. Then I was up and awake at first due to dizziness, then because the rain was so heavy and loud on the skylights, that I couldn't stop thinking about the trees falling. We got like 10 inches of rain today!
The whole damn day, I've been nervous and checking the weather report. We lost our power, but not the internet or tv, so I'm able to keep track of the weather every 15 minutes if I want.
That's actually not good I'm sure, but it did help. At least I knew the hours when the severe weather would hit, which actually wasn't bad at all, and I could watch for road closures. My biggest fear is not being able to get out of here if we need to. Bear Creek has been closed, so that's one way out we can't take, 17 flooded, and so far 9 has been open, so I'm hoping against hope it stays that way.
To say I haven't been feeling great today, is an understatement. I'm having some strange sensations in my eyes/face/head, that have been going on most of the day. I suspect some of it is from not being able to sleep. I did take a nap, this afternoon after the worst of the weather, but it wasn't enough, I still have a headache and could totally sleep right now, if I wasn't nervous.
Even though the storm is mostly gone, it is still raining, and it doesn't mean the roads can't close due to mudslides, trees falling, flooding etc. so I won't feel better, until I know we can leave tomorrow when we come down for my therapy appointment.
I really want to do my art project, but I'm feeling too nervous/crappy to do it, though I know now would be the best time probably. Maybe I will. But I sure wish the lights would come back on, so I won't have to worry about using too much gas in the generator to light the kitchen.
Man I sure hope I can relax soon.
The whole damn day, I've been nervous and checking the weather report. We lost our power, but not the internet or tv, so I'm able to keep track of the weather every 15 minutes if I want.
That's actually not good I'm sure, but it did help. At least I knew the hours when the severe weather would hit, which actually wasn't bad at all, and I could watch for road closures. My biggest fear is not being able to get out of here if we need to. Bear Creek has been closed, so that's one way out we can't take, 17 flooded, and so far 9 has been open, so I'm hoping against hope it stays that way.
To say I haven't been feeling great today, is an understatement. I'm having some strange sensations in my eyes/face/head, that have been going on most of the day. I suspect some of it is from not being able to sleep. I did take a nap, this afternoon after the worst of the weather, but it wasn't enough, I still have a headache and could totally sleep right now, if I wasn't nervous.
Even though the storm is mostly gone, it is still raining, and it doesn't mean the roads can't close due to mudslides, trees falling, flooding etc. so I won't feel better, until I know we can leave tomorrow when we come down for my therapy appointment.
I really want to do my art project, but I'm feeling too nervous/crappy to do it, though I know now would be the best time probably. Maybe I will. But I sure wish the lights would come back on, so I won't have to worry about using too much gas in the generator to light the kitchen.
Man I sure hope I can relax soon.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Not much going on
Woke up late again today. Sheesh, I just can't go to bed early for some reason. The good news is, I woke up feeling good. Bad news is it was almost 2 by the time I was actually showered and roaming around the house. I was working on my art project, doing the computer stuff from bed, but still I feel so guilty if I don't get going with my day sooner.
I spent most of it planning my project, and then we went over the hill to take care of the rooster before the storm, get the last of the firewood, and go to Michaels for art supplies. That was fun, and now we are back, and I'm really tired, but of course I'll probably stay up in wait for the storm that is supposed to hit. I really want to be able to go to my mom's tomorrow, but something tells me the driving conditions might not be great. Poo.
So except for headaches and heartburn, I've been doing pretty well today. I've had the pressure feeling at times, but it is more mild than it has been in the past, and for the most part didn't bother me too much. I'm in a lot of pain, and the headaches are from all the tension my body is feeling now. I think it's from sleeping crazy with all those pillows. Someday I really should stop that.
I just hope that storm isn't too terrible tomorrow. I think I'll read about Katherine now, and then watch my shows.
I spent most of it planning my project, and then we went over the hill to take care of the rooster before the storm, get the last of the firewood, and go to Michaels for art supplies. That was fun, and now we are back, and I'm really tired, but of course I'll probably stay up in wait for the storm that is supposed to hit. I really want to be able to go to my mom's tomorrow, but something tells me the driving conditions might not be great. Poo.
So except for headaches and heartburn, I've been doing pretty well today. I've had the pressure feeling at times, but it is more mild than it has been in the past, and for the most part didn't bother me too much. I'm in a lot of pain, and the headaches are from all the tension my body is feeling now. I think it's from sleeping crazy with all those pillows. Someday I really should stop that.
I just hope that storm isn't too terrible tomorrow. I think I'll read about Katherine now, and then watch my shows.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Whoopsie Daisy
Oh dear. It came to my attention this morning, that once again, I completely forgot to write my post last night. I'm not sure why after all this time, I'm forgetting so often to write these past 2 weeks. I think this is the third time I've forgotten.
What's even weirder, is that I totally thought I had written it, and was thinking about it this morning, when it dawned on me, that it wasn't so. I almost ran straight to the computer to apologize, but then I thought once again, why am I needing to apologize to myself? There is nothing to justify here, I forgot and that's that.
So here I sit tonight, a little unwillingly as I was deeply engrossed in the book I'm reading now. Another one about Katherine Howard, and I'm glad to report that this book does not disappoint, nor did it change my opinion of her. I still favor her, and Anne of Cleves as my favorites of Henry's wives.
Now of course, I'm all into the Tudor scene again, and will probably devour the next book I can find, preferably about Anne of Cleves. Maybe I should see what the hype about Anne Boleyn is about, but I'm not sure. She doesn't do it for me.
Anyway, this is beside the point of this post I suppose, though it is what I've been doing lately. It's been a loooong time, since I've sat and read a book, so it's nice to be able to do so again. Especially after yesterday. Well actually I read a lot yesterday too, because I had a terrible headache, but then I felt guilty for not doing anything all day, and so around this time last night I went into a weird funk. More sadness about my past and not being able to live life like I want. Then feeling guilty because here I am whining about not being brave enough to go to the grocery store when other people are actually dealing with real illnesses.
Luckily I was able to pull myself out of it, well with Matt's help, and we had a very pleasant rest of the night/morning. Didn't go to bed til 3 am, which led me to sleep til 11 this morning. I was somewhat alarmed when I saw the clock and realized half the day was almost gone, even worse I still needed to sleep more. I finally got rolling around 1:30. Sad but true and then the day just flew by, as it is wont to do when you sleep half of it away.
I had a good day though. Since Matt was making me anxious by insisting on putting the gutters on the roof by himself, I did not feel safe by myself downstairs. I wanted to be within calling distance in case of an emergency anxiety attack, so I hauled all my art belongings upstairs to the kitchen table.
Not sure what to do exactly, I brought up my big canvas for the upcoming Mountain Mama gallery show next month, and after many discussions with myself and Matt, finally decided on what to do. Way cool idea, and I really hope it works out like I think it will.
I then spent the rest of the daylight hours planning my project. We even went out, and took pictures, though I don't think any will work out.
The rest of the night I've been reading my book, and I can't believe it's almost midnight when it feels like maybe 9 or 10. We really must try to go to bed earlier. I really do not like missing half the day, especially at this time of year, when it gets dark so early. Then it really feels like you missed out on things. Plus the light in the house is terrible when it's dark, so it really makes artwork (upstairs anyway) not possible.
So tomorrow (and today actually) we are preparing for the upcoming storm, and I am trying my hardest not to panic. I know we have 5 gallons of gas, and if it were up to we'd fill the other container too, because I know we will loose electricity, and will need to use the generator possibly for a more than one day if it's as bad as they say. I hate hate hate wind. With wind, trees fall, and since we live in a forest, I'm not too keen for that to happen.
I suspect we will be sleeping in the living room again, as I'm scared of the bedroom during bad weather, since there is a hefty tree right next to the bed. Though honestly if I think about it, we really aren't safe anywhere, there are trees all around the house... Oh boy, I best not think of that right now.
Anyway, I'm hoping the storm won't be too bad. Sometimes they predict something way worse than it is.
Well I'm off for now, if I have internet the next few days I will be posting, but it's entirely possible we won't, especially Tuesday.
What's even weirder, is that I totally thought I had written it, and was thinking about it this morning, when it dawned on me, that it wasn't so. I almost ran straight to the computer to apologize, but then I thought once again, why am I needing to apologize to myself? There is nothing to justify here, I forgot and that's that.
So here I sit tonight, a little unwillingly as I was deeply engrossed in the book I'm reading now. Another one about Katherine Howard, and I'm glad to report that this book does not disappoint, nor did it change my opinion of her. I still favor her, and Anne of Cleves as my favorites of Henry's wives.
Now of course, I'm all into the Tudor scene again, and will probably devour the next book I can find, preferably about Anne of Cleves. Maybe I should see what the hype about Anne Boleyn is about, but I'm not sure. She doesn't do it for me.
Anyway, this is beside the point of this post I suppose, though it is what I've been doing lately. It's been a loooong time, since I've sat and read a book, so it's nice to be able to do so again. Especially after yesterday. Well actually I read a lot yesterday too, because I had a terrible headache, but then I felt guilty for not doing anything all day, and so around this time last night I went into a weird funk. More sadness about my past and not being able to live life like I want. Then feeling guilty because here I am whining about not being brave enough to go to the grocery store when other people are actually dealing with real illnesses.
Luckily I was able to pull myself out of it, well with Matt's help, and we had a very pleasant rest of the night/morning. Didn't go to bed til 3 am, which led me to sleep til 11 this morning. I was somewhat alarmed when I saw the clock and realized half the day was almost gone, even worse I still needed to sleep more. I finally got rolling around 1:30. Sad but true and then the day just flew by, as it is wont to do when you sleep half of it away.
I had a good day though. Since Matt was making me anxious by insisting on putting the gutters on the roof by himself, I did not feel safe by myself downstairs. I wanted to be within calling distance in case of an emergency anxiety attack, so I hauled all my art belongings upstairs to the kitchen table.
Not sure what to do exactly, I brought up my big canvas for the upcoming Mountain Mama gallery show next month, and after many discussions with myself and Matt, finally decided on what to do. Way cool idea, and I really hope it works out like I think it will.
I then spent the rest of the daylight hours planning my project. We even went out, and took pictures, though I don't think any will work out.
The rest of the night I've been reading my book, and I can't believe it's almost midnight when it feels like maybe 9 or 10. We really must try to go to bed earlier. I really do not like missing half the day, especially at this time of year, when it gets dark so early. Then it really feels like you missed out on things. Plus the light in the house is terrible when it's dark, so it really makes artwork (upstairs anyway) not possible.
So tomorrow (and today actually) we are preparing for the upcoming storm, and I am trying my hardest not to panic. I know we have 5 gallons of gas, and if it were up to we'd fill the other container too, because I know we will loose electricity, and will need to use the generator possibly for a more than one day if it's as bad as they say. I hate hate hate wind. With wind, trees fall, and since we live in a forest, I'm not too keen for that to happen.
I suspect we will be sleeping in the living room again, as I'm scared of the bedroom during bad weather, since there is a hefty tree right next to the bed. Though honestly if I think about it, we really aren't safe anywhere, there are trees all around the house... Oh boy, I best not think of that right now.
Anyway, I'm hoping the storm won't be too bad. Sometimes they predict something way worse than it is.
Well I'm off for now, if I have internet the next few days I will be posting, but it's entirely possible we won't, especially Tuesday.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
What an odd day
Well. Today worked out pretty well. I woke up feeling good again. Very nice after those days of not feeling well in the mornings.
I had a very lazy morning and didn't get out of bed until about 1:30! I was awake though and answering emails and comments and otherwise networking my art career in general. So I was being semi productive and not totally lazy, though really do I have to justify myself to myself? Doesn't that seem a touch odd?
Anyway the day didn't really get started until about 4 pm. That's when I finally got off the computer, and started putzing around the house getting laundry together, and figuring out what to do about dinner. Then on a total whim I decided to play around with my painting. I have been wanting to get down there for days, but for some reason or another I never found myself in the studio.
I was doing real well down there, but I was feeling very emotional so I had a mini meltdown and then felt better. Sometime around 6, Matt came down and we took the cat for a walk. I was feeling super during the walk. Totally normal. Then we stopped to talk to the neighbors, and it was like my legs turned to jello.
btw I really wasn't having trouble with anxiety symptoms today. I felt things here and there, like the pressure feeling, but nothing really felt bad, so it didn't bother me too much at all.
Anyway, I felt so friggen off balance, and at one point my whole body fell forward, and I instinctively reached out to hold on to something, but there was nothing there but air. I am almost positive the neighbor noticed that something had just happened to me, as she was looking directly at me at the time, but we continued talking like nothing happened.
Needless to say the rest of the conversation was somewhat tricky. I felt horrible with the balance issues, and could not wait for the conversation to end. When it finally did, the first thing I did upon coming in the house, was grab Mario and start playing. That worked. I was soon feeling better, but then I remembered my homework from therapy. I had been saving it for a time when I was anxious like I was told to, and felt this might be a good time to tackle task number 1.
Well I filled out my form, and then kept reading the chapter. 3 hours later, I was still reading, and highlighting and underling and filling out information. I was so engrossed in the book, that I was totally relaxed even though I was reading about anxiety.
The cool thing was, I learned a lot about myself and how anxiety works and is triggered. Very interesting, and now I'm totally going to go through this book chapter by chapter. I finally put it down close to midnight and then went back downstairs to try to finish my painting, since that was what I had intended to do in the first place.
I just came up (not sure if the painting is done yet or not), and am going to watch my shows and grab a snack now. Overall not a bad day, even though It started so darn late, and I'm really trying hard not to feel guilty about not getting going sooner and getting things done. For some strange reason, I feel like I was totally productive today.
I had a very lazy morning and didn't get out of bed until about 1:30! I was awake though and answering emails and comments and otherwise networking my art career in general. So I was being semi productive and not totally lazy, though really do I have to justify myself to myself? Doesn't that seem a touch odd?
Anyway the day didn't really get started until about 4 pm. That's when I finally got off the computer, and started putzing around the house getting laundry together, and figuring out what to do about dinner. Then on a total whim I decided to play around with my painting. I have been wanting to get down there for days, but for some reason or another I never found myself in the studio.
I was doing real well down there, but I was feeling very emotional so I had a mini meltdown and then felt better. Sometime around 6, Matt came down and we took the cat for a walk. I was feeling super during the walk. Totally normal. Then we stopped to talk to the neighbors, and it was like my legs turned to jello.
btw I really wasn't having trouble with anxiety symptoms today. I felt things here and there, like the pressure feeling, but nothing really felt bad, so it didn't bother me too much at all.
Anyway, I felt so friggen off balance, and at one point my whole body fell forward, and I instinctively reached out to hold on to something, but there was nothing there but air. I am almost positive the neighbor noticed that something had just happened to me, as she was looking directly at me at the time, but we continued talking like nothing happened.
Needless to say the rest of the conversation was somewhat tricky. I felt horrible with the balance issues, and could not wait for the conversation to end. When it finally did, the first thing I did upon coming in the house, was grab Mario and start playing. That worked. I was soon feeling better, but then I remembered my homework from therapy. I had been saving it for a time when I was anxious like I was told to, and felt this might be a good time to tackle task number 1.
Well I filled out my form, and then kept reading the chapter. 3 hours later, I was still reading, and highlighting and underling and filling out information. I was so engrossed in the book, that I was totally relaxed even though I was reading about anxiety.
The cool thing was, I learned a lot about myself and how anxiety works and is triggered. Very interesting, and now I'm totally going to go through this book chapter by chapter. I finally put it down close to midnight and then went back downstairs to try to finish my painting, since that was what I had intended to do in the first place.
I just came up (not sure if the painting is done yet or not), and am going to watch my shows and grab a snack now. Overall not a bad day, even though It started so darn late, and I'm really trying hard not to feel guilty about not getting going sooner and getting things done. For some strange reason, I feel like I was totally productive today.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Not my best day
So today hasn't been that great. The first time I woke up, I felt great. The second time I didn't. Still, I felt better after walking to the kitchen to fix breakfast for the cats. The problem I had today was, that I just wasn't feeling motivated. I felt somewhat sad and depressed, because of the anxiety and thinking of all the things I can't do, and how freakin scared I am now of anything that may happen. I'm so scared, It's unreal. I truly believe I won't handle it. Like I'll just check out and need to be hospitalized or something, and that scares the crap out of me!
It didn't help that I had to cancel my therapy appointment, because we found some kittens up on the hill. They were too young to take care of themselves, and at first I tried feeding them, thinking we could raise them, but they didn't know how to eat, and I just can't syringe feed them every two hours like they need. So we called animal control and they said to bring them down.
So we did, but now I feel guilty thinking they may be put to sleep because of us. Then again, they wouldn't have survived the night with the coyote's and the cold, not to mention lack of food, so this way at least they have a chance of having someone foster them. I really hope so anyway.
That whole thing really got me down, and after getting home, we ate and I took a nap. Unfortunately when I woke up, I felt bad again. It was that weird balance/congested feeling, making it hard to sit, lay, stand and walk. Most of it went away pretty quickly, but I still had some residue feelings taking the cat for a walk, and throughout the rest of the night.
I can feel better or calm down by playing my game, or reading, but when I get up, it hits again.
I finally decided to meditate tonight hoping it would help. Well I sat there for a while going in and out of panic mode, and I made myself deal with it. At one point I opened my eyes by accident and totally panicked, I then meditated some more and when I opened them again, I felt so much better, and relaxed. Even getting up and walking around I felt good.
It lasted for about 3 minutes, until I started talking to Matt and we got on the subject of medication again.
I'm better now, but still pissed about having to deal with this crap again. It's been awhile since these symptoms have been an issue. Ugh. I want to be normal, but I'm such a chicken to try the meds.
Hopefully the rest of the night will stay okay.
It didn't help that I had to cancel my therapy appointment, because we found some kittens up on the hill. They were too young to take care of themselves, and at first I tried feeding them, thinking we could raise them, but they didn't know how to eat, and I just can't syringe feed them every two hours like they need. So we called animal control and they said to bring them down.
So we did, but now I feel guilty thinking they may be put to sleep because of us. Then again, they wouldn't have survived the night with the coyote's and the cold, not to mention lack of food, so this way at least they have a chance of having someone foster them. I really hope so anyway.
That whole thing really got me down, and after getting home, we ate and I took a nap. Unfortunately when I woke up, I felt bad again. It was that weird balance/congested feeling, making it hard to sit, lay, stand and walk. Most of it went away pretty quickly, but I still had some residue feelings taking the cat for a walk, and throughout the rest of the night.
I can feel better or calm down by playing my game, or reading, but when I get up, it hits again.
I finally decided to meditate tonight hoping it would help. Well I sat there for a while going in and out of panic mode, and I made myself deal with it. At one point I opened my eyes by accident and totally panicked, I then meditated some more and when I opened them again, I felt so much better, and relaxed. Even getting up and walking around I felt good.
It lasted for about 3 minutes, until I started talking to Matt and we got on the subject of medication again.
I'm better now, but still pissed about having to deal with this crap again. It's been awhile since these symptoms have been an issue. Ugh. I want to be normal, but I'm such a chicken to try the meds.
Hopefully the rest of the night will stay okay.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
What happened today?
Oy! I'm lazy about this blog stuff lately. Getting home too late, and not feeling up to writing. Today was an odd day. Woke up great. No issues getting ready. I went to mom's for our Tuesday ritual and for some reason the weirdness started. All darn day I felt strange off and on. First I kept feeling this weird feeling in my face and eyes. Don't even ask.
Then the pressure cooker feeling started, which I still have now btw. It goes away, but comes back constantly today. Good news is, I took my blood pressure twice during an episode, and it was totally low, so now I know it's not that.
I dont' know what my deal is today, but I cannot shake the anxiety symptoms. Usually by the afternoon, it goes away when I'm at my mom's, but not today. I did feel better, while cooking dinner and stuff, but as soon as I stop, or shortly after the symptoms come back. Frustrating!!!
I had balance problems sitting down at times too. I really panicked on a walk home with my brother today, and the shitty thing is, it was such a short walk, and it was from my grandparents to my parents house, which is like two streets over. stupid!
Anyway, not doing good at the whole acceptance thing. I'm trying this week, and it's sort of working, but I'm not trying hard enough and today was a hard one.
Then the pressure cooker feeling started, which I still have now btw. It goes away, but comes back constantly today. Good news is, I took my blood pressure twice during an episode, and it was totally low, so now I know it's not that.
I dont' know what my deal is today, but I cannot shake the anxiety symptoms. Usually by the afternoon, it goes away when I'm at my mom's, but not today. I did feel better, while cooking dinner and stuff, but as soon as I stop, or shortly after the symptoms come back. Frustrating!!!
I had balance problems sitting down at times too. I really panicked on a walk home with my brother today, and the shitty thing is, it was such a short walk, and it was from my grandparents to my parents house, which is like two streets over. stupid!
Anyway, not doing good at the whole acceptance thing. I'm trying this week, and it's sort of working, but I'm not trying hard enough and today was a hard one.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Ooopsie!
I totally forgot to post last night!!! I can't believe it, I didn't even remember til this morning. Now I'm remembering tonight, and I'm too tired to post. Ha!
Not much happened anyway, went over the hill a few times hauling firewood. Had one moment at home of severe panic while reading conspiracy theories about the swine flu vaccine and the government. I don't think that made me scared, as I rather enjoy reading this stuff, but for some reason, I had sheer terror, and felt I couldn't breathe, and then felt like I would collapse or not make it to go downstairs to where Matt was and get help.
Well I made it down, and saw Matt and then calmed down. He was on the phone and I was afraid he wandered outside and that I wouldn't be able to find/or get to him in my panic. Weird stuff.
Talk about out of the blue and sheer panic. That doesn't happen often.
Anyway been fine really the rest of the day. Some breathing/balance issues here and there, but not enough to make me write about them.
We just go home, and I'm ready to relax. Oh yeah one more thing, I have been waking up sort of yucky yesterday and today. Yesterday was worse than today, but the feelings went away once I was up and had fed the cats. It's hard to describe, kinda balance, and a feeling of being pushed down, and congested at the same time.
Okay that's all. Tomorrow I go to mom's for the biggest loser, so I probably won't have much to report then either. Hopefully I remember though.
Not much happened anyway, went over the hill a few times hauling firewood. Had one moment at home of severe panic while reading conspiracy theories about the swine flu vaccine and the government. I don't think that made me scared, as I rather enjoy reading this stuff, but for some reason, I had sheer terror, and felt I couldn't breathe, and then felt like I would collapse or not make it to go downstairs to where Matt was and get help.
Well I made it down, and saw Matt and then calmed down. He was on the phone and I was afraid he wandered outside and that I wouldn't be able to find/or get to him in my panic. Weird stuff.
Talk about out of the blue and sheer panic. That doesn't happen often.
Anyway been fine really the rest of the day. Some breathing/balance issues here and there, but not enough to make me write about them.
We just go home, and I'm ready to relax. Oh yeah one more thing, I have been waking up sort of yucky yesterday and today. Yesterday was worse than today, but the feelings went away once I was up and had fed the cats. It's hard to describe, kinda balance, and a feeling of being pushed down, and congested at the same time.
Okay that's all. Tomorrow I go to mom's for the biggest loser, so I probably won't have much to report then either. Hopefully I remember though.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
I thought i was an artist
Today was a big anxiety day! I woke up okay, but even before I got out of bed, I could feel the weirdness start to happen.
Even so I got ready for the open studios tour today. I was nervous before we left, knowing I would have to be visiting with people and quite possibly getting stuck talking to them, and then of course feeling trapped.
And of course that happened at all the places we went to. The first one was the scariest though, and I got through that okay, but the next stop, I had to battle my height fears, because the stupid tours were on 4 floors. We only went to the first level, which I feel bad about, but seriously I was having a hard enough time walking through the halls there, so I wasn't about to try and make a fool of myself going up the stairs.
We saw loads of good art and very nice houses! We stopped by 5-6 different places, and most of the time I did pretty good.
Strangely enough, I had the hardest time, when we came back home and took Monkey for his walk. We ran into the neighbors, and had a long chat with them and for some reason, I could hardly stand.
When we got home I was still pretty nervous, so I vacuumed the bedroom, and just that simple task calmed me down. I then went downstairs to paint, and try my hand at abstract art. Which I saw a lot of today, and really wanted to try to do.
Oh good god, why did I bother? I am so fed up with the two canvases I started tonight, I really should have stuck with what I know. I know I shouldn't expect to be able to do something right away, when I don't even know how, but for some reason, I do. I expect it will be easy, and I'll just create this awesome painting. So not the case at all!
I haven't given up, but I'm definitely putting them on the back burner for a bit. Anyway the rest of the night I've done well, and I'm about to eat again, (something about this hour, makes me hungry) and watch my shows.
Major trapped points today!! Holy cow, I really pushed my comfort zone.
Even so I got ready for the open studios tour today. I was nervous before we left, knowing I would have to be visiting with people and quite possibly getting stuck talking to them, and then of course feeling trapped.
And of course that happened at all the places we went to. The first one was the scariest though, and I got through that okay, but the next stop, I had to battle my height fears, because the stupid tours were on 4 floors. We only went to the first level, which I feel bad about, but seriously I was having a hard enough time walking through the halls there, so I wasn't about to try and make a fool of myself going up the stairs.
We saw loads of good art and very nice houses! We stopped by 5-6 different places, and most of the time I did pretty good.
Strangely enough, I had the hardest time, when we came back home and took Monkey for his walk. We ran into the neighbors, and had a long chat with them and for some reason, I could hardly stand.
When we got home I was still pretty nervous, so I vacuumed the bedroom, and just that simple task calmed me down. I then went downstairs to paint, and try my hand at abstract art. Which I saw a lot of today, and really wanted to try to do.
Oh good god, why did I bother? I am so fed up with the two canvases I started tonight, I really should have stuck with what I know. I know I shouldn't expect to be able to do something right away, when I don't even know how, but for some reason, I do. I expect it will be easy, and I'll just create this awesome painting. So not the case at all!
I haven't given up, but I'm definitely putting them on the back burner for a bit. Anyway the rest of the night I've done well, and I'm about to eat again, (something about this hour, makes me hungry) and watch my shows.
Major trapped points today!! Holy cow, I really pushed my comfort zone.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Is it Friday already?
Alright, so today wasn't anxiety free, but I still did pretty darn good. I woke up fine again. In fact, I was feeling pretty great, until we left to go to the post office to mail my Alice in Wonderland piece to the magazine.
I don't know what came over me, but I got really scared. It started with the detached feeling, and grew from there, in fact as we were rounding the corner to the post office, I almost said,' let's just go back home'. But I didn't. I was very frightened though.
Weird. Anyway, we mailed the package, and yes we stood in line for quite awhile actually, and believe it or not, I did well. Uncomfortable at times, but no major balance issues like usual. We ran a few more errands, and I began to relax a bit. I still felt off and on out of touch, but it wasn't bad.
Even after getting home, it stayed with me most of the day. However, it would come and go, and If I really distracted myself well, I felt okay.
I had to play my game a few times for coping skills, but finally around 6 pm, I decided to venture out on my own and go to the ATM. We won't go into the swearing and yelling that occurred while driving that darn forsaken stick shift, and the less said about me falling backwards repeatedly while trying to get up a hill in neutral the better. Let's just say, I was very irritated. That helped quite a bit actually, because I wasn't nervous driving at all. Once I got on the darn road.
Though once I got to the ATM, and had to wait in line, and then someone got behind me, well then the anxiety kicked in. It was all I could do to complete my transaction. I think if no one was behind me, I would have been able to relax better, but I kept thinking what if I can't do this, and fall or something? Totally stupid I know, but after I was done, I zoomed away as fast I could.
Back on the road though I was more calm, and even decided to stop into the grocery store for exposure. I was going to get an avocado, but it was jam packed with people, and only one checker, so I said forget it. I went in and wandered around, and that was good enough for today.
I came back home traumatized from driving a stick shift, but otherwise I was fine.
I spent the rest of the night doing not much of anything, fooling around in Photoshop altering pictures for my art, and visiting art blogs. I finally went downstairs and finished that horrible piece from yesterday, and of course, I totally love it now. I so can't trust my own judgement.
The one I did tonight, was starting to become anther disaster, but I fooled around with it some, and actually ended up finger painting, instead of my usual collage look. It came out pretty cool. I think I'm somewhat satisfied with it.
Well tomorrow is the open studio tour, and I'm not sure how I'll do anxiety wise, but I'm certainly going to give it a try. It will be neat to find other artists in the area.
Okay I'm off to eat and watch my daily dose of Oscar and Felix.
I don't know what came over me, but I got really scared. It started with the detached feeling, and grew from there, in fact as we were rounding the corner to the post office, I almost said,' let's just go back home'. But I didn't. I was very frightened though.
Weird. Anyway, we mailed the package, and yes we stood in line for quite awhile actually, and believe it or not, I did well. Uncomfortable at times, but no major balance issues like usual. We ran a few more errands, and I began to relax a bit. I still felt off and on out of touch, but it wasn't bad.
Even after getting home, it stayed with me most of the day. However, it would come and go, and If I really distracted myself well, I felt okay.
I had to play my game a few times for coping skills, but finally around 6 pm, I decided to venture out on my own and go to the ATM. We won't go into the swearing and yelling that occurred while driving that darn forsaken stick shift, and the less said about me falling backwards repeatedly while trying to get up a hill in neutral the better. Let's just say, I was very irritated. That helped quite a bit actually, because I wasn't nervous driving at all. Once I got on the darn road.
Though once I got to the ATM, and had to wait in line, and then someone got behind me, well then the anxiety kicked in. It was all I could do to complete my transaction. I think if no one was behind me, I would have been able to relax better, but I kept thinking what if I can't do this, and fall or something? Totally stupid I know, but after I was done, I zoomed away as fast I could.
Back on the road though I was more calm, and even decided to stop into the grocery store for exposure. I was going to get an avocado, but it was jam packed with people, and only one checker, so I said forget it. I went in and wandered around, and that was good enough for today.
I came back home traumatized from driving a stick shift, but otherwise I was fine.
I spent the rest of the night doing not much of anything, fooling around in Photoshop altering pictures for my art, and visiting art blogs. I finally went downstairs and finished that horrible piece from yesterday, and of course, I totally love it now. I so can't trust my own judgement.
The one I did tonight, was starting to become anther disaster, but I fooled around with it some, and actually ended up finger painting, instead of my usual collage look. It came out pretty cool. I think I'm somewhat satisfied with it.
Well tomorrow is the open studio tour, and I'm not sure how I'll do anxiety wise, but I'm certainly going to give it a try. It will be neat to find other artists in the area.
Okay I'm off to eat and watch my daily dose of Oscar and Felix.
Boring!
Man it has been another boring day. Woke up fine again too. Yippee!
The only thing we did was run over to the gallery to take a picture of my art on the walls. Hee hee.
I just came up from downstairs. I had to leave because I was creating nonsense again. I swear I've lost my touch. I can't figure out what is going on with me. I totally thought I had this piece in the bag too. Sooooo wrong. It's another one that I have to let sit for awhile. I've already painted over most of it, and that improved a bit, but it lacks something big time.
That's it man, my day swooshed by, mainly because we got out of bed at like 12:15! So half of it was over already.
The good news is, I've been pretty much symptom free all day. Even at the gallery talking to the ladies there, I was fine. Yeah me!
The only thing we did was run over to the gallery to take a picture of my art on the walls. Hee hee.
I just came up from downstairs. I had to leave because I was creating nonsense again. I swear I've lost my touch. I can't figure out what is going on with me. I totally thought I had this piece in the bag too. Sooooo wrong. It's another one that I have to let sit for awhile. I've already painted over most of it, and that improved a bit, but it lacks something big time.
That's it man, my day swooshed by, mainly because we got out of bed at like 12:15! So half of it was over already.
The good news is, I've been pretty much symptom free all day. Even at the gallery talking to the ladies there, I was fine. Yeah me!
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![](<a href="http://s158.photobucket.com/albums/t87/deblinden/?action=view¤t=stonesusethisone.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t87/deblinden/stonesusethisone.jpg" border="0" alt="Stepping Stones"></a>)
