Why so early?

Ugh! I woke up at 7:30 because I was having some freaky nightmarish dream. It wasn't an actual scary, someone is trying to kill me, nightmare, but it certainly was too creepy to continue.

My body must have agreed and woke up me up suddenly on the verge of an anxiety attack. Head pounding, dizzy, scared etc. I tried lying back down and going to sleep since it was entirely too early for me to get up, but I was too dizzy. I absolutely hate when that happens. It's not everyday, but It's frequent enough, and it bothers me to no end.

I never ever had this issue before until about 5 years ago, so I know it's not normal in the sense that it's something I've had all my life. I have no clue what causes it, but the only thing I can figure is it seems to happen when I wake up too quickly. In the good old days, I would have just had a smoke and the dizziness would have gone away and then I could go back to sleep, but ever since I accidently quit last year, I can't do that.

In fact quitting smoking has made recovering from anxiety harder. I know a lot of doctors will think I'm crazy, but it always helped me when I was anxious, dizzy, off balance whatever. If I could just have a cigarette then things would be okay.

Looking back over the last few years, I see that the anxiety has always been there, I just didn't let it get to me like it does now, until after that weekend at the hospital with Matt's mom.

I remember so many times where I just couldn't wait to leave situations, be it a store, talking with people, restaurant, whatever, because I was feeling increasingly nervous, and off balance. I always knew that if I could just go have a smoke I would be okay. At the time I thought it was just the withdrawals from nicotine, but since it continues to happen even without smoking I know that isn't the case.

Now I have been through enough therapy in my lifetime, to know that thinking smoking cured my anxiety symptoms is probably psychosomatic, but it doesn't change that it totally helped me through those rough times.

What I really need to do is find something to replace the smoking. Yes even a year later I still want those nasty things. Even though I hate the smell, and the harm they do physically, the urge is still so very strong in me that I don't trust myself completely. This is part of the reason I'm not motivated to drive by myself that much to get over that part of my anxiety.

In the past, you couldn't keep me from running errands, even with anxiety. I couldn't wait to run to the store, or gas station, whatever, just so I could have a cigarette. And if on the rare occassion I was actually left alone at home, well that was the best.

Smoking was my reward, and it was part of my independence. I know it makes no sense, but I absolutely identified smoking with being independent. It was something only I did, and usually in secret, until Matt broke it to me, that he knew all along. Of course he did, how could I honestly think I hid that smell and taste from him for so long? Obviously I was in denial. Even when it came out in the open, I still tried to hide it from him by taking drives.

So now that's it's gone, I mourn it like a lost friend. To me it's very sad that I no longer have that crutch to help along the rough roads ahead. Finding a replacement has not been easy either. So far nothing has been able to subsitute it, and when I finally learn to drive on my own again , at this point, I do not trust that I won't find myself at a liquor store or gas station asking for a pack of cigarettes when things get tough.

I know that's holding me back a little as I can't not imagine driving over the hill on my own without them. Fear or no fear. They were what always got me through the drive, whenever I started getting nervous I always knew that I could smoke.