I'm back and here to stay...

So today I decided I am going to try to make this anxiety blog/journal an everyday thing. This is so typical of me, to start something and get all Gung Ho about it, and then totally let it drop a few weeks in. It's actually what I consider one of my worst traits. The strange thing is, it's not like I don't want to do these things anymore, I just somehow get lazy about it. I have so many interests and projects that I start and almost none get finished.

Art and writing are great examples. Currently I am working on about ten different art projects. Drawings, paintings, mosaics, journals, etc. I frequently get the urge to do something artistic, yet I almost never go downstairs to the studio unless I'm pushed into it by Matt. Then, when I'm there I am overwhelmed and don't know what to work on, or feel that I can't finish a painting, because I might mess it up. Agh! Writing is the same way.

That? Is pretty much the story of my life. I am afraid to mess up, make a mistake or fail, so I don't finish or pursue things like I want to. I think that's why I didn't get my drivers license until I was 22, or that I haven't finished school yet. I don't want to fail. In the case of school, I am afraid to make the wrong decision when it comes to choosing a career. The stupid thing is, I'm 34 now. I've been going to various junior colleges off and on for the last 15 years. If I keep this up I won't need to choose a career, because I can just retire.

Honestly I should have just picked a darn career and gotten a degree already. I know I can always get a new degree if I want to, yet something holds me back from making a decision. An even bigger bummer is that I feel like I let my parents down by not completing school. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I really feel like I failed them as a daughter.

School meant a lot to my parents, and I so was not the student they wanted me to be in high school. I drank, I smoked, I did drugs. (Of course they didn't know this at the time). Needless to say my mind wasn't into academics, and I almost didn't graduate. In fact I didn't know if I was going to graduate until the day of the ceremony, and even then the principal didn't want to give me my diploma when I went up to take it. She actually pulled it back out of my hands! I'm pretty sure she was joking, but It made me nervous for a moment.

Anyway, here I am 15 or so years later, and still trying to get my AA. I really do plan to get it to. Partly to please my parents, and partly because despite my lack of scholastic enthusiasam in high school, I have become quite the scholar in my college years, and not only enjoy school but really want to finish for myself. Now if only I could decide what I want to be when I grow up. Perhaps I have a touch of Peter Pan in me, and just don't want to grow up. Lord knows it's way more fun sometimes.

Ok, when I sat down to write this post, I had no intention of going off on this topic. I was planning on writing about my day today, but instead this mess came out. I suppose that is because in therapy today we were sort of discussing this issue. Me feeling like a failure and all, I guess it was still lingering inside even though I wasn't really thinking about it anymore.

Even though this post is getting lengthy, which is really nothing new, I still want to discuss a little about my day which was really very good.

Although it didn't start out that way, but that's only because we had to get up way too early and take the car to the mountain mechanic, and then-this is the part I really didn't want to do-ride the motorcycle back home. Normally this is no big deal, but with anxiety it has become somewhat of a problem. I am now afraid to ride the bike, because if I have anxiety symptoms, especially the bad ones where I feel I'm loosing control, I'm afraid I will fall off or not be able to handle it like I would in a car.

Stupid? You bet. But it's the truth. Plus I am still afraid to take a lot of the roads we like to ride the bike on, due to the fact that they are long mountain roads that go away from civilization, aka "help". Anyway today's ride was hardly worth a panic attack as it was only a mile, and it worked out just fine and was actually fun, even if I was wearing sweats instead of my motorcycle pants which I'm embarrassed to say that I am too fat to fit into anymore. It's a shame really as I don't feel fully comfortable riding without them and all the padding they provide. Considering we have fallen a few times, (nothing serious and always while going super slow or standing still,) I do not want the only thing between me and the ground to be a thin layer of cotton.

Once we got the car back, we ran over the hill to my therapy session which was really good. I have to say, it has been extremely helpful to be in therapy again. I can't believe how much our lives have changed in the last two months since I've started. It's like we have a life again. We are doing things I never would have dreamed of doing just a few months ago.

Like In the past month I've been to Santa Rosa 3 times! I never thought I would get there again. In fact we are thinking about going tomorrow since Gretchen is here from Colorado. I go to San Francisco now, like it was just down the street. We've been so much it's like a second home, and now I consider it one of my safe places. Totally awesome!

Anyway, one of the things we do on Thursday's after therapy is go for a walk at a park. Matt runs and I walk. Well Matt runs as far as I feel comfortable letting him go, which isn't too far and preferably not out of my site before he turns around and runs back to me. This actually works out better than it sounds, since some of the parks we go to like Rancho and Henry Cowell have long straight stretches of trail in parts, so Matt can run pretty far before he has to turn around again.

Lately though it's been getting easier on me, and I think Matt is testing me a little as he seems to run farther and sometimes around corners out of my site for longer than I like. It used to really scare me, but recently I don't mind so much. In fact some of the times I'm pretty comfortable walking by myself and don't really worry about what Matt is up to. The bummer is, I usually end up thinking about not being scared and then worrying that I will get scared and then sure enough I end up scared. The good news is, the scaries aren't as scary as they used to be. What I mean is, I get nervous, but then I get over it pretty quickly now.

Soooo, back to my day today. Man I'm long winded. This is what I get for not keeping up with my blogging.

After therapy we went to Cooley park. We have been coming here lately instead of Rancho, because it has a creek that we like to walk in, a nice trail and a few animal friends. There is a rooster and chicken there that we have taken to feeding. We took some chicken feed from his mom and feed it to our new friends Mr Fancy Feathers (the rooster) and Miss Bossy Boots (his girlfriend who totally lives up to her name and she obviously wears the pants in the family).

We also have some duck friends that we feed leftover bread to, but today I forget to get it out of the freezer, so Matt suggested we give them Wheat Thins, against my better judgement I let him do so. I was afraid they would be too hard, but the ducks ended up eating them, so what do I know. I think they prefer bread though.

After the feeding frenzy is over, we usually go for our walk/run, but today Matt decided he would walk with me for a change, which I have to say was really nice. We managed to explore the trail a lot further today, and followed it up the mountain until it got too narrow. Since the mountain is overflowing with poison oak neither one of us were too keen to navigate such a narrow path without a suit of armor. Especially since Matt practically gets poison oak just by looking at it, so we turned around and wandered the creek a little to wash off our shoes.

Our last stop on Thursdays is always Petroglyph. We have been working on our projects for the last month. Tonight we only had two hours to paint, and one would think that would be plenty of time to finish a teapot, but surprisingly it isn't. It takes that long just to do one tiny section sometimes. In order to prevent streaking and to get a nice color you need to apply at least three coats of paint. Most people just show up, pick out a plate, splash some color on and are done in an hour or two. Not us. We are taking this very seriously. You'd think we were being commissioned by someone. Nope, we just take a loooooooong time. It's okay though, because we really enjoy going there, and I have to admit that Thursdays are my favorite days. I really look forward to our park and art time, and I will be really bummed when my teapot and his plate are complete.

The funny thing is, 2 months ago I would have been too scared to do this, because I would have been afraid of an anxiety attack in the store and I would have felt trapped. Strange. It all seems so silly now.