Saturday's Adventure

So yesterday was family day with the in-laws in San Francisco. I was a little nervous, as I knew it would be really hard to leave quickly if I needed to. It's especially hard with the kids, and six of them were there yesterday. I'm embarrassed as it is with the family knowing about anxiety, but especially so with the kids. I'm not sure how much they understand, and how much they think I'm the crazy aunt. In any case they all are very nice to me, which is a huge relief.

Now I should have known, when I agreed to go on this venture that there would be some kind of disaster. Every time this clan gets together it's like those Chevy Chase Vacation movies. Something always goes screwy. I'm not kidding. I've heard the stories and seen it happen many times.

Now the plan was to take the bikes and we would all ride around Golden Gate Park. Pretty simple. Well we loaded our bikes on the car, and right around Palo Alto on 280 it came to our attention that one bike was missing. That's right. It fell off the car. No we did not hear or see it happen. How I don't know, but all we know is it came off somewhere between Edgewood and Sandhill Road.

Obviously this kicked the anxiety up big timeas both of us were really concerned that someone would hit it and get into an accident. Apparently someone did get out and move it, but not only did they take it from the freeway, they decided to keep it for themselves! I could not believe someone actually took it, but we looked for the darn thing for an hour going exit by exit and nothing. Oh well, at least no one got hurt, that was the main thing. But it did throw my anxiety into overdrive during that whole ordeal. It was pretty stressful.

Finally, we give up on the bike and make our way to the city. Our first stop is the Legion of Honor Museum. We were meeting Matt's brother and his wife there, and I was actually excited to go, as it's a museum that I haven't been to yet, and really wanted to see it. Especially since they were showing some modern artist. I thought it wouldn't be full of boring religious paintings and bowls of fruit.

Well I was wrong. Most of the museum is "fine art" and not my taste at all. And the contemporary artist, well... let's just say I have no idea how he got into a gallery. At all. His work, just isn't art, nor is it creative. But that's my opinion.

In the museum I had a hard time anxiety wise. Thankfully it wasn't full blown bad symptoms, just minor balance stuff, but still it was hard to make my way through each room. I think it didn't help that I wasn't that interested in the paintings. I also had a hard time when Matt was in one room and me another.

We made it through the whole thing though and I'm really glad I did, because the very last room we went to, had Monet. And not only that, but my very favorite painting by him! I have done this painting a few times myself, in oil pastel, and acrylic on canvas. So I was super excited to see the real thing in person, and it was beautiful!

I think the problem with the museum was feeling trapped and it being so wide open. There is absolutely nothing to lean on or hold onto, as everything is art and non touchable. There are benches, but because I'm me, I didn't want to sit down, for fear of how I would feel standing back up. Usually it's worse, when I have balance problems.

Anyhoo, once we made it outside I felt tons better. And I must stress, the discomfort I felt throughout the museum was relatively minor. I could put up with it fine, and never really felt the need to flee. I was mostly scared that I would feel that way. It could have been so much worse, and probably would have been a month or two ago, so I am really happy with my progess yesterday.

Another thing that contributed to the anxiety was the fact that we were with people. If it was just me and Matt I think it would have been more relaxing for me, but with other people I feel extra anxious worrying about "what if" this, that and everything else might happen, and how it would be embarrassing to admit it to them. Even though they already know my problems with anxiety. Sheesh, the stress I put myself through just to do normal everyday things.


So after the museum we met up with the rest of the clan at the park and rode our bikes to the bike rental place by Stowe Lake since we were short a few bikes. Okay this is where I had an issue. The way to the Lake was up hills. I do not do hills well. I never have, and with anxiety about my heart racing, and breathing and passing out, I especially don't do well with them now. By the time I made it up there, I was out of breath and of course, my heart was racing like a maniac, and I was scared. We were far from the car, (about a mile), but the only way back was riding the bike, walking, or waiting for someone to come get us and those options were not ideal for me, as I want to escape fast when I panic.

I wasn't full blown panicked yet, but I knew I wasn't going to do well the rest of the way. Especially since there were 12 of us, and Matt goes faster then me, and all the kids want to be with him, so it's hard for me to get his attention when/if I need to "escape".

It didn't help that at the rental place there wasn't any privacy to talk to Matt and tell him how I was feeling, since everyone was around and the kids were all ears. I feel bad, and embarrased at the same time. I don't want him to miss out on visiting with his family because of me. And his nephew obviously wanted to pal around with him, so of course I felt trapped again.

Well you know what, I'm really tired and this post could go on all night since so much happened. I really need to learn how to cut it short when it comes to writing, but in a way who cares, because really this is just a journal of my days, and my recovery, so it doesn't neccessarily need to be short. Besides I really want to document how things were, the proper way. Already I've left stuff out, like car trouble, which really revved up my nerves. So in an effort to do this right, I think I postpone the rest of the story until tomorrow, when I have more time. I just really need to rest.