When will it end?

Well today wasn't my best day. Unfortunately it started off bad, with Dinky needing to go to the vet because he couldn't/wouldn't pee. Now ever since the Leopold fiasco at Christmas, just thinking about bringing the cats to the doctor starts an anxiety attack.

It's almost like all my reactions that I didn't have during Leopold's issues, are coming out now. I know I repressed a lot during that month. I just couldn't deal with what was going on, so I handled it the only way I knew how. By cleaning, and keeping busy. I wish I was able to grieve like Matt did during the process, but I just couldn't. I was too scared. So now I'm dealing with Dinky and it 's like a flashback of Leopold all over again.

Now, Dinky's issue is not that big of a deal really, so the cat may be blocked, I've dealt with this many times, and it's not scary, yet I completely stressed about it today, (Funny how this was all a normal part of my day when I was a tech, now I can't handle any of it ). So much so that I felt like I couldn't manage my balance well, and at times I would get very freaked out feelings.

The whole day I felt no relaxation, it was like I was just trying to maintain until I got off work. I was basically counting the hours til I could leave, and try to relax, and hopefully not be so off balance. It was all I could do today, not to fall over, or so it felt.

BTW, I totally get major trapped and coping points for sticking it out and dealing with all the drama my body was giving me.

The thing is I know some of this is backlash from the incident on Saturday. I swear it has set me back a lot. I'm so scared of that happening to me again. (Especially now that I know it can happen for something minor, I can't begin to imagine how I will react to something major. ) And I know this week, I'm supposed to work on letting Matt leave while I'm working, but I just couldn't bring myself to let him even go to the other lot today, that's how bad I was.

I think I wouldn't have been so bad if we weren't dealing with the cat issue. I worried about him most of the day, again there really is no need to for something like this, it is totally fixable. Yet I did anyway. It just bums me out that I can't have normal reactions to stress anymore.

Anyway it turns out that he isn't blocked. Yet. We are watching him at home, (thank goodness), and I hope he is alright. I cannot take another anxiety filled day tomorrow.

The only problem is I'm stressing now, because he's so totally not himself. I know he was traumatized and sedated, but I can't help worrying about how he is so crummy looking and lethargic and not wanting to eat. He's swaying and wobbly and just looks like shit. I keep comparing it to the last time he was sedated and as soon as he got home he went straight to the food bowl and chowed down. But then again that was during his ravenous phase, so who knows what's going on. Plus I think he may have been more heavily sedated this time, and I really really wish I asked the doctor if he was, because that might explain his slower recovery time.

Needless to say even at home I'm not entirely relaxed tonight, though I am much much better and I can honestly say I'm walking around with less balance problems.

Here's hoping tomorrow is better, for both me and the cat!