Live In The Moment

So today wasn't too bad. I woke up feeling good again. Thank goodness. It's so nice to feel normal when waking, it really sets the mood for my day. I have more confidence about my anxiety when I start the day feeling good.

I had a few incidents with balance, dizziness, and even the pressure cooker feeling, that so could have blown up into bad anxiety, but didn't. I'm starting to tell myself, it's okay to have those feelings. I feel the first initial panic when the first feelings of symptoms hit, but then I'm able to calm down, and be okay knowing it's anxiety and that It will pass, especially if I don't indulge it.

I saw a quote the other day that I totally forgot about, but really applies to anxiety symptoms. "If you resist it persists." Simple as that, and so true. The more you obsess on something the worse it gets, and the longer it stays, so I'm really trying hard not to let it get to me.

In fact we even ate in a restaurant today! Usually I want to do takeout, because I feel trapped in restaurants, but today I said to heck with it, and just did it. It was fine. I overate a little and when I waddled out the door I felt that pressure/rush feeling plus some dizziness, and it was a little hard to navigate around the tables, (no I hadn't been drinking) but I made it safely back to the car and to Petroglyph where we worked on our projects for a couple hours. And yes, the feelings went away.

And as usual I made it to Powell's by myself for my weekly gelato. I even got nervous standing in line, but it didn't last very long.

So I'm doing better again. The only thing that's bugging me, is those darn red spots. Especially the one with the ring around it. I so hope it's not Lyme Disease. And since I'm a wanna be hypocondriac Matt thinks I'm crazy to worry or even think it could be that, but the truth is, it does look like the pictures I saw.

The only thing that doesn't fit is that I have about 30 other red spots on me, that don't have the ring around it, so it's either a huge coincedence and I have two different things happening, or It's all related. In which case I really hope it's something not harmful like bedbugs. And yes, the rest of the spots look like they could be bed bug bites.

Whatever, I'm feeling fine otherwise, and I have no fever, so I'm trying to ignore them and hope for the best. One good thing is that the one on my arm, which is one of the first ones I noticed about a week ago, but didn't think anything of it at the time, is starting to fade. In fact when I looked at it again tonight I almost couldn't see it at all. So it's hopeful that they will just dissapper altogether.

So again, a pretty uneventful anxiety day. Or I should say the symptoms where there, but this time they didn't get too far, because I wouldn't let them!

Wednesday's Shenanigans

Okay so today didn't exactly turn into an art day. A little bummed about that, but that's okay. I still had a good day. Had to do some nasty cleaning though. So boring when you want to do other stuff. I'm sorry but no amount of whistling while I worked made that kitchen any more fun to clean. I think the Seven Dwarfs were high.

I didn't get everything done, but I'm not torn up about it either. I'm great at procrastinating, so I'll do it later. Instead we spontaneously went over the hill, to get a projector for Matt so he can trace all his drawings onto canvas. Too cool. I think it will work out good for him. Of course, on the way to the art store we just had to stop and see Fancy Feathers. He was there as usual parading around the picnic tables, but his family was amiss still.

We are getting worried about them, but since Bossy Boots wasn't there either, we are hoping she has the chicks somewhere safe. We will go by again tomorrow and check. I hope they are there.

After that, we went to Michaels to get the projector and then it was on to the fabric store for me, so I could get more fabric for a collage I'm doing. I've got a pretty cool idea, and I hope it works. I was going to test it out tonight, but we ended up at Petroglyph to work on our projects and just got home.

I know Matt will want to go down still, but man I'm tired. I'm ready to relax now, especially since I was up every two hours with a very overactive bladder. I swear you would have thought I'd drank a liter or two of liquid yesterday, but I didn't even drink that much (less than usual actually). I guess I was nervous in my sleep?

Whatever, it's cool I woke up feeling good and that's all that matters. Though I did notice I'm breaking out with some unidentifiable red spots, and I'm a touch concerned about those. However they aren't bothering me, except they keep appearing, but I don't have any itching or anything. Weird.

Besides all that, I basically had a low anxiety day. Some instances of balance issues, but nothing to write about and nothing that lasted.

So yeah me right? Things are turning around again it seems. I suppose it helps that Dinky is doing so much better. Please let it stay that way. No one knows what actually happened, but I sure hope it doesn't come back!

Well now my overactive stomach is telling me to eat, again so I better follow it's wishes. If I still drove unchaperoned I would hightail it to Felton, and get a burrito at Taqueria Vallerta, they are the only ones with any sense around here, and are actually open til midnight. Amazing! Everywhere else rolls up their sidewalks at dusk. It's like a ghostown. That's what I get for living in a small town I guess.

Does this chocolate cake make me look fat?

Right now I'm feeling the need to create art. I have so many ideas, and so many started projects it's kinda crazy, and somewhat embarrassing (not to have finished them that is). You should see all the scraps of paper I have with new ideas for paintings, they just keep coming to me. I finally bought a tiny sketch book today so I could keep it in my purse and have it whenever the mood strikes to jot something down. That way it's handy and all the ideas are in one place.

A really cool thing is I'm getting a lot of ideas to incorporate fear into my art. And not in an ugly scary way, I think it might actually be cool. We shall see. I might try working on some tomorrow.

It's a little late to start tonight, but tomorrow I plan to have another art day. That's one good thing about my new schedule at work, I get off at 2 everyday, so I can still come home and have almost half the day left, which means more art time!! I'm not kidding, that's the first thought I had when they told me I was switched to another department and had new hours. It's also the main reason I didn't make a big deal about it either. There is a positive side!

Anyway, tonight I've done nothing but read and discover new art blogs and artists. So much fun, but oh so time consuming! It was well worth it though, because I found a few new favorites. I'm really determined to keep up the art thing this time, I'm hoping if I can do it long enough I will discover my own style.

Well, I have my own style already I suppose but it isn't perfected yet. The thing is I love to bounce around from technique to technique so I never really fully develop perfection in any one area. I'm pretty much that way with everything in life. That's the danger of having too many interests I suppose.

So, about the anxiety... I almost forgot this is my anxiety not art blog. Must write about yucky stuff now. Hmmm let's see, today wasn't too shabby actually. Okay, so I woke up slightly dizzy with a chance of balance issues, but it totally went away before I left the house for work.

And work was much easier than yesterday, I wasn't fighting for balance the whole time, and I actually almost had a good time. I mean I was working, so it wasn't all fun and games, but I kept busy enough, and boy it sure was nice to be able to leave for the day at 2!

Not that we rushed home or anything, we managed to waste 3 hours checking out art stores, and hanging out with Mr. Fancy Feathers, who I might add was missing his children and girlfriend/wife? today. Not sure what happened to them, but we hope they are alright. The babies are tiny, so they are very vunerable if they are staying out in the wild like that. We really hope they have a home and a cage at the camp up the hill. I would feel better if I knew they were being taken care of, at least at night.

Seriously, this really has been a pretty uneventful day anxiety wise, so I don't have much to say, which in this case is a good thing!

So, I'll be leaving now, to watch my daily dose of I Love Lucy and eat chocolate cake. :)

Monday Morning...

I'm way too tired to write a proper post, but I will say today wasn't that bad. I had some minor issues working my morning shift, and an powerful balance incident in Walgreens on my break, but other than that not much else happened. All pretty much went away in time.

The thing that really stressed me out though, is that my schedule and department were changed on me, without my knowledge. I really didn't feel like I had much say in the matter, since it was all discussed behind my back and told to me this morning. NOT happy about that at all!

Then again what can I do? I'm lucky to have a job now and we really really need for me to be making some money, and I know my anxiety is not in a place for me to try getting a new job yet. Soooooo, I will have to make do with this change for now.

For now, I'm off to watch I Love Lucy to try to relax, before I go to bed and wake up at an ungodly hour since my schedule involves me coming to work at 8 am every morning. Huge pisser! I'm a much nicer and happier person to work with if I can come in later in the day like usual.

Not bad

Yea! I finally woke up today without any major issues. I felt pretty darn good all morning. Well on the way to work I started getting nervous, but I was also very distracted thinking about my art, but the butterfly feeling kept persisting. It actually got pretty bad, but once I got to work, things calmed down.

It was all pretty uneventful for the first shift. We went to Rooster park for lunch and not only was Fancy Feathers there, but Bossy Boots was as well. And I can't even believe this, but they had little baby chicks with them! No wonder she was gone for so long.

It was so much fun feeding them and the chicks came right up to us, and even let us pick them up. Too bad we didn't have the camera today, but tomorrow we will get pictures. Too cute!

So all was well. I went back to work and was pretty good. Until I ate some sushi and a candy bar. Bad! I know. Not the best food, but I was starving. The problem was I got dizzy. Why I don't know, but it does seem that that happens after eating sushi sometimes. Maybe too much soy sauce? Who knows.

The thing was the dizziness bothered me, and then my balance went. Pretty soon, I was starting to have anxiety like yesterday in the grocery store. Well I took care of that. I went outside and Matt and I walked around for a few minutes, and just being out in the open helped a lot! I went back in and it didn't take long for me to feel better.

Not bad huh? Came home and went downstairs to art and I finished my challenge for today. It was entered a bit late, but oh well. It's done and I'm really happy about it. Now, I can finish some others that I've been working on, and on the way to work I had a totally cool idea for a painting about fear, which I hopefully will do soon. I have a lot to do right now, so it may have to wait.

The important thing is today wasn't a bad day at all. For the most part I felt pretty good. Thank goodness.

Art day again!

So overall I had a pretty darn good day. Yet... I still had major anxiety in spots.

I'm keeping this short tonight as I'm tired and need to relax, but here is my day in a small nutshell.

Woke up feeling pretty decent. Stayed feeling good for a few hours, then I started feeling just a little yucky around lunchtime. As we were discussing the plans for the day, I got increasingly anxious.

Matt wanted to go on a motorcycle ride or for a run, and both of those things I didn't feel comfortable doing with my balance issues. They weren't crazy bad. I was probably more afraid of them getting worse than anything. However the anxiety sped up. We decided to go to the store as a compromise. I know. Very exciting. Well, while we were there, it hit me big time. I was a mess feeling all sorts of anxious and having balance problems galore. The worst was of course waiting in line. It felt like it took all my strength to stay up right.

Finally we made it out of the store and back home, and I relaxed. We went downstairs to the studio and after spending a few moments with my art, I was pretty good.

We spent a few hours down there, and It was great. I got a lot accomplished, and I wish I could go back tonight, but it's too late. Then again, maybe I will.

The only reason we stopped was because we went over the hill to Petroglyph to work on our stuff. On the way we got caught in major beach traffic, and I swear I almost turned around and went back home when I saw the line of cars snaking down 17. Despite my misgivings, we went ahead and it wasn't too bad.

Thank goodness because I'm so glad we went, because I finally got my teapot back!! Woo hoo! It took about 7 visits before it was finished, so I was super excited to see it. We ended up spending about 3 hours there, (I'm working on a mug now), and I felt good almost the whole time. I even went to Powell's and got ice cream by myself and wandered to the car by myself.

By the time we got home, I was almost back to normal. I'm still feeling pretty good, so maybe I'll wander downstairs again...

Life is like a canvas, throw all the paint on it you can...

So today I woke up having an anxiety attack. Yep that pretty much set the tone for the day. I was dreaming I got on a plane and as it started to taxi down the runway, I realized what I had done. Oh the horror! Of course, I started thinking ohmygod what if I have anxiety? I'll be trapped for 5 hours, I can't breath etc. Well, just as we were going to take off, I made them stop and let me off. I mean really what the heck was I thinking trying to get on a plane in the first place? Then of course they lost my luggage, and I got lost getting back, but that's another story for another time.

Needless to say, the rest of my day was spent battling nasty symptoms. Sure enough throughout the morning I kept worrying if I would be off balance like I was last night. See at first I was fine, but an hour or two later, I was feeling the boat thing again. Then the walking problems started. Man what a pain. I don't doubt that I caused almost all of it by worrying about it though.

And despite what I was told in therapy yesterday, I did not tell Matt right away what was going on. Yeah I know, I'm supposed to, but old habits are hard to break, and I really had a hard time telling him what was up.

Well I eventually did, cause he asked as we were taking our daily trek to the mailbox, and when I told him, he suggested we do something fun to try to get my mind off things. Alright that sounded cool. What can we do? Hmmm, I need more paint. They didn't have the kind I wanted at the store yesterday... Let's go to Santa Cruz and get paint!

That perked me up. But I have to say I was nervous about going to Santa Cruz. I wasn't really, but I was afraid I would be, and especially with the way I was feeling, I thought I may not be able to handle things.

Well I was wrong, I did pretty good in the store. Only had a few mishaps when Matt wandered off, and it's a big store with lots of little rooms, so I kind of semi panicked at first. By the time we left I was fine.

What went wrong at the burrito place I don't know, but I could not stay in there without feeling like I needed to hang on to something. I decided to go outside while we were waiting for our order and that helped a lot. Man, It's been a long time since I had symptoms like that in stores, and standing in line.

We took the food to go, since I did not want to eat there because of how I was feeling, and after I spilled salsa all over the car twice, we made our merry way to the grocery store. Much to my surprise, I did fine in the store. I wasn't so sure after the burrito incident, but it was all good. The only issue I had was of course standing in line, and even then it wasn't a real problem until I thought about it. (My gosh when will I learn not to think?) It doesn't take a psychic to see that one coming.

Anyhoo, by the time we were done with the shopping it was after 5 so we decided to go home, since we were both anxious to do some art. I was feeling pretty normal but still having some issues, it hadn't worn off completely and it was still hard for me to stand properly.

Well guess what? We went downstairs to the studio and I started working on a painting/collage that I wanted to get done for a couple of challenges, but missed the deadline. I don't know what it is with this piece but it's driving me bonkers. I fooled around and cursed at it for a little bit and finally came up with a few cool things to do with it.

In fact I'm letting it dry right now. In the meantime I started 3 little canvases that I want to do for a series. I'm pretty excited about them, and actually the backgrounds are done and drying right now. So while I'm waiting once again, I thought it best to be somewhat productive, and write this blog tonight.

The main thing is, I feel TONS better. Art therapy strikes again!

Stop Rocking the Boat

Well I just don't know what to say. Overall it has been a better day. Dinky seems more normal, and Matt and I went over the hill for our usual Thursday activities. The problem is I still feel off balance.

We went to rooster park and we managed to get there just as a couple firetrucks and an ambulance rolled up the hill to to the camp above us. Even though I had no idea what was happening and it wasn't going on where we were, I still got scared.

We tried going for our usual run/walk, but I was too nervous and we didn't get far. To my credit though it was Matt who decided to turn around, not me. We fed Mr. Fancyfeathers, but even that didn't stop the anxiety. Bummer. (We forgot our creek shoes too, so we couldn't even go in the creek, which would probably have helped a lot. )

We then went to Petroglyph, and I was doing good for awhile, then the last 45 min or so, my balance went wacky again. I felt seasick just sitting in my chair. That upset me, because I've never had issues there, no matter what was going on, so I considered it a safe haven for me. I'm not supposed to have anxiety while doing art. We were just talking about how that was a great activity for me to do, when I was anxious because it keeps my mind busy, and look what happens today.

I didn't let it ruin anything, but I wasn't pleased. When we got home, I immediately started cleaning just to keep my mind off of feeling yucky. It worked pretty well, and I managed to feel pretty good, that is until I sat down on the couch, then it was back on the boat again.

I'm so frustered right now. I still feel shitty, and I want/need to relax and go to bed sometime this night, but I'm scared to lay down. I just played a really cool game that kept me occupied and for the most part didn't feel the swaying, but then I get up from the couch and well, you know the story by now, I'm sure.

I guess I'll give it a shot watching I Love Lucy right now, I sure hope It's not too bad. I really really want to get some sleep tonight.

Ooops!

Oh my gosh, it has been such a shitty week, what with my anxiety at an all time high, the cat saga, and all my various NEW symptoms, well I sort of forgot to post yesterday.

Yesterday, we spent the whole day dealing with Dink. He went to the vet first thing in the morning, and we left him there for testing. We then got some lunch and actually saw the new Harry Potter movie (with my family) to distract us. I would have enjoyed it much better, had I not be worried about the cat and had to pee every 10 minutes. When I get nervous I have to pee lots, either that or I'm diabetic. I think it's nerves though, because it's been that way my whole life.

Anyway, yesterday both Matt and I were physically sick from all the stress of the last 3 days. When we finally got home, we had to take a nap. I literally felt like I would collapse from exhaustion. It felt so good to rest, and luckily last night we actually got to sleep through in big chunks, instead of being woken up every half hour or so.

Today I was supposed to go to work at 8 this morning, but when I woke up, holy cow, major vestibular issues. It started when I rolled over to try to get more sleep, and that was not a good idea. I sat up and then got out of bed, and it was so hard to walk. Honestly I don't think that was anxiety. I was hardly awake yet. And it felt so harsh. Laying back down was not an option so I did a few things, and in about 10 minutes, I started to feel more normal.

Needless to say, I was not going to work, and for once Matt didn't argue with me, as he was extremely tired still. He went back to sleep and I stayed up for the next 4 hours trying to distract myself and not worry about my balance by playing games and reading blogs.

Well, by the time we got up officially, I was feeling much better. The feelings I had in the morning were gone so I went about my day. It wasn't until a few hours later, when I was browsing art blogs that I felt weird again.

All I did, was change positions on the couch, and bam! I was hit again, with another round of balance issues. This one was different though and so tough to explain. Basically it felt very strongly like I was on a boat in a heavy storm. I wasn't even standing up!

The feeling subsided a bit and I immediately got up and started "doing things" around the house to keep myself from freaking out too much. Well that helped a lot and I got some old artwork framed and photographed and posted to my Flickr account. A couple hours probably passed and once again I was on the couch, working in photoshop for one of my art challenges, when the same damn thing happened.

All I did was change positions, the same way and voila! Major panic this time! All of a sudden I was unable to walk it felt. I made myself do stuff to keep busy in hopes that it would go away. I vaccumed the bedroom, but I started to feel like I couldn't look down. Then I swept the kitchen and by then I was really afraid to look down, for fear of being thrown off balance.

I wandered outside, around the deck, still shitty. The feelings would supress just a little and then pop back up full force right away. I could not calm down and I really felt that maybe I should get out of here, over the hill and towards a safer place. Man I haven't felt the need to escape from here in a couple months now. I did NOT like it!

Finally Matt sensing I wasn't doing well, got it out of me what was going on. I didn't wan't to tell him as usual how I was feeling. I really should though, because he always gets it out of me in the end, and I usually feel much better. So in an effort to distract me, we went outside to take the cat for a walk, but I didn't want to run into neighbors and get stuck talking while feeling this way so we wandered up and down our street talking.

This turned out to be good, as it got me outside of my head I guess, and sure enough I started walking more normally. We talked for a good while, about what was going on, and eventually we did a few "tests" to see how I felt sitting, standing, and almost laying down. I did okay, until we got to the laying down part and then I started to feel yucky again, though honestly this time It may have been in my head, as I was waiting for a bad sensation to happen.

By this time I was feeling much better but we were being eaten alive by mosquitoes, and with Monkey tired of walking back and forth along the street, we decided to go for a proper walk around the hood.

Well we didn't get far until we ran into our neighbor around the corner, but that was cool, he's always fun to talk to. And talk we do, since he is a very chatty guy. It's funny because we were standing there talking for a good 20 minutes before I realized that I wasn't feeling off balance. I shouldn't have thought that, because not two seconds later, sure enough I had a hard time standing still and felt like I would fall, I wanted to escape, but coudln't really since it would be rude to just turn around and walk away in the middle of a conversation.

In the end it all worked out fine, I didn't fall, and we ended up talking another good 15 minutes or so, and I survived, though Matt and I both got eaten up by those damn mosquitoes.

So here it is just late enough to not want to start anything, but too early to go to bed, so I thought I'd write my post before I forgot again. I really want to be consistent with this blog, so I'm a bit bummed I broke my string of posts yesterday.

Anyway I am so hoping tomorrow is much better, because I sure could use a good day!

Art Therapy

Well, let's see, last night was one of the worst nights I've had in quite some time. It was so bad, in fact that it's in the top ten of shitty nights, and unfortunately, It stuck with me for most of the day today.

I'm trying to make this short, so I'll get straight to the point. Dinky didn't do well last night. I must have called work 3 times for advice. We hardly got any sleep because of worrying and needing to watch him, so it was a pretty restless night.

The good news is, he's better today. Not great, but better, and more like himself, though his balance is still bad. It's pretty scary, because no one really knows what's going on, and I want to think it's the neuropathy, but the doctors are hesitant to pin the symptoms on that, instead saying it may be another more serious neuro thing. So not what I need to hear by the way!

Anyway this day was filled with stress. I called into work, so we could stay home and watch him, and I'm so glad we did, because had he come down with us, and stayed in a little cage we wouldn't really be able to see how he was doing, since he's so stressed at the vet and just sits in his litter box anyway.

So since our days were filled babysitting the dink, and I couldn't get away from the stress, my anxiety mounted ten fold. I felt like I used to back in the bad old days, before I started therapy. I had to try several ways to cope. The first thing I did was find a cool game to play. I figured that would be an excellent distraction. It worked pretty well too, until it crashed my computer. Ooops!

After that I thought it might be best if I did something else for a while, so I decided to browse my favorite art blogs and look for new ideas and techniques. Well that worked pretty well, as I managed to suck up almost the whole day and evening doing that. Then I felt guilty for not doing anything productive. Go figure.

Anyway, right around 9 o clock I started to feel pretty bummed out again about the whole cat situation, my anxiety issues, and how I"m just not ready for this again after dealing with Leopold so recently. So I had a meltdown. That helped a little.

I tried to cheer myself up by checking out more blogs, and then finally I downloaded another game. Nope I did not learn from the last time. I think it may be messing up my computer still, but It's a pretty cool game so I'm not going to take it off. Yet.

The game kept me occupied but I was still depressed and feeling worse by the minute. In fact I found myself rushing through the game so I could go do something else. What, I don't know. But, after reading all the art blogs today, I was feeling the need to create, yet I was so down I felt it wasn't a good time to do so.

Although I should know from experience that sometimes that is the perfect time, because you are so emotional that creativity just spills out of you like a fountain.

Which I'm happy to say is what happened tonight. I started out half heartedly and even had another meltdown, but then I started to really cook with gas, and totally found a new background technique, which I was so thrilled about, that I went on and did like six more pages . I'm actually waiting for one to dry so I can try doing transfers. I figured while I was waiting so impatiently, I could be doing something else productive, like writing my anxiety blog.

So there you go a very condensed version of my crappy day, but right now it has a happy ending as creating art has definitely lifted my spirits tremendously. Thank goodness!

When will it end?

Well today wasn't my best day. Unfortunately it started off bad, with Dinky needing to go to the vet because he couldn't/wouldn't pee. Now ever since the Leopold fiasco at Christmas, just thinking about bringing the cats to the doctor starts an anxiety attack.

It's almost like all my reactions that I didn't have during Leopold's issues, are coming out now. I know I repressed a lot during that month. I just couldn't deal with what was going on, so I handled it the only way I knew how. By cleaning, and keeping busy. I wish I was able to grieve like Matt did during the process, but I just couldn't. I was too scared. So now I'm dealing with Dinky and it 's like a flashback of Leopold all over again.

Now, Dinky's issue is not that big of a deal really, so the cat may be blocked, I've dealt with this many times, and it's not scary, yet I completely stressed about it today, (Funny how this was all a normal part of my day when I was a tech, now I can't handle any of it ). So much so that I felt like I couldn't manage my balance well, and at times I would get very freaked out feelings.

The whole day I felt no relaxation, it was like I was just trying to maintain until I got off work. I was basically counting the hours til I could leave, and try to relax, and hopefully not be so off balance. It was all I could do today, not to fall over, or so it felt.

BTW, I totally get major trapped and coping points for sticking it out and dealing with all the drama my body was giving me.

The thing is I know some of this is backlash from the incident on Saturday. I swear it has set me back a lot. I'm so scared of that happening to me again. (Especially now that I know it can happen for something minor, I can't begin to imagine how I will react to something major. ) And I know this week, I'm supposed to work on letting Matt leave while I'm working, but I just couldn't bring myself to let him even go to the other lot today, that's how bad I was.

I think I wouldn't have been so bad if we weren't dealing with the cat issue. I worried about him most of the day, again there really is no need to for something like this, it is totally fixable. Yet I did anyway. It just bums me out that I can't have normal reactions to stress anymore.

Anyway it turns out that he isn't blocked. Yet. We are watching him at home, (thank goodness), and I hope he is alright. I cannot take another anxiety filled day tomorrow.

The only problem is I'm stressing now, because he's so totally not himself. I know he was traumatized and sedated, but I can't help worrying about how he is so crummy looking and lethargic and not wanting to eat. He's swaying and wobbly and just looks like shit. I keep comparing it to the last time he was sedated and as soon as he got home he went straight to the food bowl and chowed down. But then again that was during his ravenous phase, so who knows what's going on. Plus I think he may have been more heavily sedated this time, and I really really wish I asked the doctor if he was, because that might explain his slower recovery time.

Needless to say even at home I'm not entirely relaxed tonight, though I am much much better and I can honestly say I'm walking around with less balance problems.

Here's hoping tomorrow is better, for both me and the cat!

Art Day!

Nothing much happened today, except I managed to have an art day! Finally! If I forget about all the worrying and weird feelings I've been having today, I've had a pretty good day.

I still feel funny, and still can't help thinking about the anxiety incident yesterday. In fact since it was so intense, I'm afraid it's going to set me back a bit. If it hadn't happened I may have been brave enough today to do a few things I needed to do, like return library books, and get milk. But since it did, I'm extra special scared again to be on my own. I can not imagine what I would do if that happened while driving, or standing in line at a store etc.

So despite the fact that I've actually had a good and productive art day, I'm somewhat depressed about my current situation, whereas before I was feeling pretty damn good about my progress, now I feel like it almost doesn't matter. Not good.

Anyway the only way, I've managed to get through yesterday and today without of full blown meltdown is to pretend the symptoms I feel are either not there or not serious, basically I try to ignore them and carry on my merry way. For the most part it works pretty good.

So now I have to put that into effect, as I'm not feeling the greatest while I write this post. It's time for me to start relaxing and watch some I Love Lucy to forget my troubles.

WTF? Are you sure this is anxiety??

Right now I'm too tired to write about my day, but I just wanted to say that I had the mother of all anxiety issues today. I can not understand what is happening. It's like the anxiety symptoms (the bad ones) are coming back full force with reinforcements.

It just makes no sense. At all. I have been doing so Goood. Why why why is this happening again?

The thing that happened today was I stood up from sitting on some stairs. Pretty damn simple. Nothing too strenuous. Not very scary really.

So, this is how it went. We were at the condo, talking with our tenant and the A/C fixing people. Well when I stood up to let them pass on the stairs, I got that head rush/pressure feeling realllllly bad. Although it wasn't as bad a pressure feeling as I've had in the past, which is weird because what happened next freaked me out.

So I'm standing there, listening to the conversation, and I totally check out. I'm still aware of my surroundings, but it's like I'm not functioning again. I'm totally foggy, feel like I can't walk/move right, balance jacked up, and here it is folks, I start to black out. (Or I think I am) My very worst nightmare.

Now for the record. I didn't get the classic faint-y feelings. It was more like my balance was really off, my ears felt full, my heart was pounding and with each beat I would see black in the lower part of my field of vision.

Now I've had that pulsing thing before, sometimes black, sometimes white. It always goes with my pulse/heartbeat, and it always happens when I'm nervous or exerting myself. Then again I'm usually nervous these days when I exert myself, so who knows. But one thing I do know, I've NEVER experienced anything like that. I really thought I was going to collapse. It just feels like you are so out of control, and with the blackening of my vision, well that scared the shit out of me. Tell me that is just anxiety? Really? I swear it felt like something was seriously wrong. Yeah yeah I know, it's supposed to be all in my head, but when shit like that happens, It is not easy to be convinced that nothing is wrong. The only thing I have going for me, regarding this incident is the fact that once I "escaped" I went back to normal. I was basically able to walk it off.

I couldn't talk to Matt since he was dealing with the A/C people so I just left. I walked out the door and down the little walkway, and sure enough I started to normalize again. It eventually went away and I've been fine since.

Seriously WTF?

Do you ever feel like Snow White?

I'm going to start with the bad stuff first just to get it over with. So Matt and I were on our way to Petroglyph this evening, after visiting the condo, to try to fix the A/C, when we got into a semi argument over where to eat. (Not at all unusual actually) I'll spare the details, but let's just say It was frustrating.

Needless to say, by the time we rolled up to Taco Bell, I was still somewhat miffed. Not very mad, just annoyed. So it will probably come as a surprise to you, cause it sure did to me, that I had a super duper bad anxiety issue right there in good 'ol TB.

I mean I know I didn't really want nachos again, but I didn't think it would instigate a panic attack. My goodness, all I did was reach around some guy to get a lid for my drink and boom, I was hit. After that it was like I was a robot, trying to get around the place and not fall over. I swear it's like I'm only half fuctioning, and the rest is like someone else is controlling me. So very fucking scary!!

And of all things I was just talking about coping techniques in therapy today, but at the time of the attack, I had nothing. I left my purse in the car with my phone so I couldn't even play a game. Of course as soon as we left and got in the car (read escape) to go to Petroglyph, I calmed down. Well, after I had a mini meltdown actually. I couldn't help it, I was pissed and frustrated and confused. The good news is, by the time we got to the studio to paint, I was feeling better, and only sort of wobbly while walking around to collect paints. And by the time I was painting, I was totally fine. 100 art/coping points right there! In the old days, we would have gone straight home when I freak out like that, but not today. I guess that's progress huh?

Anyhoo, it was all good once we started painting and I even wandered over to Powell's by myself to get an ice cream. I'm getting pretty good at that. Yeah me!

Now before therapy we went to the park to see our rooster and ducks. No chicken this time, I don't know where she goes, but we only see her maybe once a week. Anyway, It was so cute today becasue as soon as we drove up, Mr. Fancy Feathers came running over for his daily rationings, I think he knows our car now. We fed and watered him for awhile and then wandered into the creek to find the ducks.

At first I didn't see any, but then one came waddeling down the creek followed by another. Then they saw we had bread and started running towards us. As we were feeding them, 3 more came running when they saw what the others were up too. Pretty soon we were surrounded, by hungry beaks. They are pretty friendly and will get real close. They ate out of our hands, and one let me pet him. Too cool. I guess they like us now. In fact, as we made our way down the creek looking for the other ducks, I heard the sound of footsteps waddeling after us, I turn around and all the ducks are actually half running half swimming after us for more bread! They followed us all the way. What a difference from a few weeks ago, when they wouldn't give us the time of day. I swear I totally felt like Snow White at that moment. Maybe I should have started singing.

I guess food talks, because we are fast becoming friends with lots of woodland creatures. It sure would be nice if we could befriend the coyote that arrived in the neighborhood a few weeks ago, so we wouldn't have to worry about the cats. Oh well, I guess 5 raccoons, 3 skunks, 1 rooster, 1 chicken, 10 ducks and four cats are enough mouths to feed.

It's my Friday...

Well well well, what to say today... Hmmm... Not much of anything happened really. I mean we did the usual stuff. I went to work for 4 whole hours this morning. Got off at noon. Not too shabby for a days work huh? I love my Wenesdays. Sort of. I mean I love getting off early, but I do not love getting there early. Too bad you can't come in late and get off early. Now that is a schedule that agrees with me.

It's great though getting off at lunch time, since it pretty much leaves with you with the rest of the day to fool around with, and what's even better is that it's my Friday!

We didn't do anything unusual today, except got the car smogged. That worked out pretty well. While we were waiting we wandered (well I wandered, Matt ran) over to a park where I sat on a bench in the shade and ate my lunch, while Matt ran in circles around me. Poor guy. It wasn't that bad. They were big circles.

But seriously, it's a shame I'm not to the point where I can be left alone for him to have a proper run, but we are getting there. I mean I let him run out of my site much more often now, and most of the time it doesn't bother me too much. He doesn't go far, and it totally depends on where we are, but we are slowly building up to me being able to let him loose.

Boy when I do, I bet all hell breaks loose. Who knows what mischief I will get into. I'm telling you, in a way it's good he is around all the time so I'm chaperoned, because when I'm on my own, I tend to find myself at stores, shopping. I think that was my way of keeping busy, so I didn't get scared. Running errands takes up time, and I wouldn't have to stay home alone if I was out.

Nowdays, I'm sure I would be more disciplined, since we really don't have money to spend like we used to. What am I saying, we don't have money. At all. It's really sad, and just when I was starting to get comfortable living here again, we are talking about possibily forclosing on the house, since we can't sell it because we owe more than it's worth. Ugh!

Gone are the days of throwing money around like we were rich. I had a bad feeling it would run out when we first started dating, and it took awhile but it did, though only because Matt's work isn't really paying him anymore.

Okay they do pay him, but only half his check, and usually it's a month late. Obviously my back issue, and earning less than half what I used to, doesn't help either.

Anyway I did not mean to go off on that tangent.

So fast forward to getting our car back, and we are on our way to Rooster Park to play in the creek, and see Mr. Fancy Feathers (the rooster) and hopefully his lady friend, Miss Bossy Boots. Today I finally remembered to bring him the corn I was saving, and I remembered the bread for the ducks.

We get to the park and I see Mr. Fancy Feathers right away. He's strutting around looking for handouts. It only takes him a second to hear my bag of corn rusteling, and comes running. I proudly produce a fresh cooked ear of corn, and give it to him. He takes about 3 pecks and walks away. I know! After all that, he totally snubbed my corn. The only way I could get him to eat it, was picking each kernal off and feeding it to him. Hmm... Something tells me he's getting spoiled.

Miss Boosy Pants, wasn't there again today, but I know if she was, she at least would have eaten the corn. The little pig. Oh and the ducks weren't there either, and I actually remembered their bread. Sheesh.

After the corn saga, we finally made it down the creek to the little swimming hole and got wet. And boy it sure felt good. That's the only way to handle the summer heat in my opinion. Creek walking is where it's at.

Once we were sufficiently cooled down, we made our way to Petroglyph again. This time we stayed 3 1/2 hours, and I actually got a lot done on my teapot. It's almost finished. In fact I'm pretty sure, I'll be done before Matt finishes his bowl, so I'm going to start another project while he finishes.

As you can see most of my day was great. I had moments of anxiety. Mostly head/eye pain that really made me uncomfortable, but luckily, it comes and goes, and seems to go away if I concentrate on something such as painting. I also had balance moments and dizziness, but really I'm trying not to let all that bother me, so I didn't want to mention it too much in the post. It wasn't bad, just annoying.

When we got home, I was feeling especially wobbly walking around, but I made dinner and put away some stuff and sure enough I felt fine. I even let Matt take Monkey on a walk while I stayed home. They weren't gone for long though as the mosquitoes where eating them up tonight, so they ran back pretty fast. And man they are crazy tonight, I got four bites going from the car to the front door. It took all of 20 seconds for me to walk that distance, and yet I was used as a buffett. I should have charged admission!

Okay I guess I better go, that was my day in a nutshell, and now I need to put up Junior's (the skunk) barracade. He pushes the cardboard box away and sneaks in still and eats all the Dinky's diabetic food(at least the skunk won't have diabetes), so now we have a huge block of wood and a log in front of the cat door. He better not spray tonight either as I'm tired of smelling his stinkiness, while I'm trying to cool off the house. He always sprays on the hot nights. Bad Skunk!

On the road again...

Well art day turned into motorcycle riding day. Which I'm not complaining about at all. Especially since it's been about a year since we went on a real ride. It was a lot of fun, to be out on the bike again, and for the most part I did okay.

It was actually my idea to go on a ride believe it or not. It all started when we had to take the car into the mechanic. Matt rides the motorcycle and I drive the car. Well on the way home, it felt so good to be on the bike that I suggested we extend the trip beyond the mile it takes to go from the mechanic to our house. Of course Matt agreed.

We stopped at home first to eat and shower and during that time, I started to get nervous. All of a sudden I was scared to ride again, where just 30 minutes earlier I was ready to ride up to Oregon. There is something to be said for spontaneity let me tell you.

Anyway, we started our journey up Hwy 9. Now the beginning was okay, but as we rode up the mountain towards the 236 stretch that I used to hate, I started to get more and more nervous.

For the record, I wasn't scared of riding the bike, I was scared of how to handle my anxiety on the bike. My thoughts started to go along the lines of, "what if I freak out, and can't hang on., what if I start to feel strange or dizzy?" etc. Honestly I thought of a whole slew of nasty things that I can't really remember, but believe me, they were nothing I should have been thinking, especially on the back of a motorcycle.

One of the key things to being a passenger on a bike is to relax. You really can't worry about falling, or any other disasterous situation. If you do, you are liable to do something stupid, and possibly cause an accident. It has never really been a problem for me in the past, but now it's differnt since I'm scared of so many things.

Needless to say I was somewhat un-relaxed going up 9. It is really hard to distract yourself from anxiety on a motorcycle. You can't talk, listen to music, play games, or do anything that you would normally do in the car to keep the brain busy. You have no choice but to listen to the nasty things your mind is telling you.

Now In the old days, I would sit back, and enjoy the ride, and do some of my best thinking on our trips. Good stuff, not bad. I always got stuff accomplished when we rode, and it would relax me.

Not today though, about halfway through the 236 stretch I had Matt turn around. It really wasn't worth it, as I was just too nervous to enjoy the ride at that point. Of course once we turned around I began to relax. It figures. I didn't really feel like going home, so we decided to keep going towards Santa Cruz.

By this time though, it was crazy hot in our saftey gear and all I wanted was to be wet. It was Matt's idea to try Highland Park in Ben Lomand, and since we've never really properly checked that place out I thought that would be a good idea.

It was a great idea! The creek is awesome and deep enough to swim in. There is even a little waterfall area that you can stand under and jump from if you want to. I can not believe we haven't been utilizing that place in the 3 years we have been here.

This is one of the things I love about living up in the mountains. Cool stuff like that is practically in your backyard. It reminded me of our trips to Oregon, and it was so much fun to splash around and explore, I felt like we were on vacation again.

We played around for about an hour and then went to find some food. This isn't easy up here. One thing we are not known for is good restaurants. We ended up at Maya's in Scotts Valley which is good Mexican food, but not great.

After lunch we went home, and by the time we got back, I was roasting again. So we went swimming in our little green pool. Hey it's no different than the creek right? Both have slime and alge in them right?

By the time we were done splashing around we got a call saying the car was done, so we put all our hot clothes back on for the motorcycle ride back to the mechanic. Boy was I happy the A/C got fixed in the car, because I had a lot cooler ride back than Matt that's for sure.

So after all that hullabaloo, we finally managed to make it downstairs for an art evening. I'm done now, but I did manage to almost finish one of my collage challenges. It's so frustering, sometimes, when you want to do something, but no matter what you do it doesn't come out right. I was struggling too much, so I called it an early night. No sense in getting irritated. I'll just try it again tomorrow hopefully.

All in all, it was a very good day. Some anxiety, but that's to be expected since I haven't riden the bike in so long. I think now I would be okay, as I spent the majority of the day on it, and I'm used to it again. We'll see, maybe later this week we will go on another ride. I sure do miss all the fun times we had exploring the moutains and creeks on that thing.

Saturday's Adventure Continued...

Okay so yesterday I left off at the bike rental place. I'm feeling like a fool, because I know I can't keep up with the group, and I'm having anxiety about my heart racing, and not being able to breathe.

This is the trouble with any kind of exercise now. The normal physical symptoms of exercise mimic the symptoms of an anxiety attack. So naturally my heart is beating faster and it's harder to breathe because I'm riding my bike uphill, all this is completely normal, yet all I can think of is how scary it feels, thus creating more anxiety and even more intense physical symptoms.

So here I am with 12 people watching me and waiting for me to make a decision on whether or not I will continue. If I decide to go back to the car, Matt has to come back with me. No one else will do, as they aren't my "safe person". Ugh. It sucks so bad feeling safe only with certain people present. It's so limiting.

I know if I go back to the car, his family will be disapointed, especially the kids because Matt will leave too.

Sooooo, it turns out the rental place rents those Surrey things that two people pedal and one can sit in the middle, it's like a carriage sort of. His nephew really wanted to ride in it, and I thought well why not? How much harm can I get into if I'm just sitting there being carted around by Matt and his nephew? I feel comfortable enough in San Francisco now, that I wasn't really afraid to be cruising around the park, well, except for the fact that it is a large park and I didn't want to go too far from the car, and get lost, just in case I did have an attack.

Though come to think of it, I'm sure if we needed to someone would have driven us back. I'm so stupid sometimes when it comes to things like that. I let the irrational fear take over and don't think clearly. I mean honestly there are a billion people in the park , I'm sure someone would have given us a lift if we really needed it.

Anyhoo, we had a blast tooling around the park checking everything out, and I finally got to see the Dahlia Garden. Very cool, but very small. I totally thought it would be bigger, but it was pretty just the same.

Matt and Brian got pretty tired trying to pedal that thing around the park and it's various hills, so we ended up back at the rental place about 20 minutes early, which was fine. We wandered around for a bit, while waiting for the fast group and then finally decided to just walk back to the car. It was about a mile, and was a very nice walk.

Once we got back it took awhile for the clan to pack up all the bikes, but we finally got our act together about 8:15 or so and headed out to Chinatown for dinner. Now dinner, I have to admit I was very worried about. I feel extremely trapped in restaurants, since you are dependent on someone else to serve you and bring you a bill before you can leave. And if the service is slow... well that's even worse.

We had 14 people in our group and unless we went to a buffett, where you pay up front, I knew it was going to be a long do, So I am sorry to say I chickened out. I went so far as to go to the restaurant and check it out, but I just didn't feel comfortable staying. It was hard to have to tell everyone that we were cutting out early, but they seemed to take it well, and hopefully understand a bit. Everyone really was nice to me, and said that I was soing so well, and that they were happy to see us and glad we made it out there, so that was good.

I'm really glad we went and despite the anxiety times, which really were minor compared to what they could have been, I had a really fun time.

I can't stress enough how less the anxiety was for me. Most of it was worrying about worrying. I felt pretty good, sometimes iffy, but mostly I was just scared about "what if" I get even more scared or the symptoms get worse. Even though that sucks, believe it or not, it's a HUGE improvement. And also, there were times where I completly forgot to be anxious if you can believe that.

The way home though wasn't without it's troubles though. Eariler in the day, right when we got to the park, our car told us to STOP. So we did. Apparently it was having troubles with the cooling system and I guess it was starting to overheat. Well, of course I got scared about being stranded and what happens if the car won't start, yada yada yada. All those damn what if's again.

The funny thing is, I forgot about it completly during the whole bike riding episode, so it wasn't until we left and had stopped at a Taco Bell for dinner that I started to worry after Matt announced that the guage was indicating that it was overheating again. This was in Pacifica, and all I could think about as I ate my nachos was, "what if" we get stuck on the freeway and can't get home. This was probably the worst anxiety of the day, as it was late and dark and we actually had what seemed to be real potential of getting "trapped".

Well guess what, it didn't happen. We got home fine, and the car never overheated again. Go figure. The car goes in tomorrow for repairs, so hopefully whatever was wrong will be fixed.

Now that really is the end of the story. We had fun, I had anxiety, but it the good definitely outweighed the bad, even if it didn't sound like it from the way I'm describing it. I'm just trying to point out everything that I went through and felt, and yes there were many moments of anxiety, but they really weren't that bad, and like I said most of it was worrying about it getting worse. When it actually never did. Which means I wasted a lot of energy, that I could have used to bike up those darn hills!

Anyway tomorrow should be cool, as it will be another art day for me. I had one on Friday and started quite a few projects, and there are like 5 challenges I want to do this week, and of course all are due in a few days, so I really better make it count tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it, because I've spent the last two days, perusing Teesha Moore's blog, and I'm so inspired by her art that I can't wait to get started again on my own.

Saturday's Adventure

So yesterday was family day with the in-laws in San Francisco. I was a little nervous, as I knew it would be really hard to leave quickly if I needed to. It's especially hard with the kids, and six of them were there yesterday. I'm embarrassed as it is with the family knowing about anxiety, but especially so with the kids. I'm not sure how much they understand, and how much they think I'm the crazy aunt. In any case they all are very nice to me, which is a huge relief.

Now I should have known, when I agreed to go on this venture that there would be some kind of disaster. Every time this clan gets together it's like those Chevy Chase Vacation movies. Something always goes screwy. I'm not kidding. I've heard the stories and seen it happen many times.

Now the plan was to take the bikes and we would all ride around Golden Gate Park. Pretty simple. Well we loaded our bikes on the car, and right around Palo Alto on 280 it came to our attention that one bike was missing. That's right. It fell off the car. No we did not hear or see it happen. How I don't know, but all we know is it came off somewhere between Edgewood and Sandhill Road.

Obviously this kicked the anxiety up big timeas both of us were really concerned that someone would hit it and get into an accident. Apparently someone did get out and move it, but not only did they take it from the freeway, they decided to keep it for themselves! I could not believe someone actually took it, but we looked for the darn thing for an hour going exit by exit and nothing. Oh well, at least no one got hurt, that was the main thing. But it did throw my anxiety into overdrive during that whole ordeal. It was pretty stressful.

Finally, we give up on the bike and make our way to the city. Our first stop is the Legion of Honor Museum. We were meeting Matt's brother and his wife there, and I was actually excited to go, as it's a museum that I haven't been to yet, and really wanted to see it. Especially since they were showing some modern artist. I thought it wouldn't be full of boring religious paintings and bowls of fruit.

Well I was wrong. Most of the museum is "fine art" and not my taste at all. And the contemporary artist, well... let's just say I have no idea how he got into a gallery. At all. His work, just isn't art, nor is it creative. But that's my opinion.

In the museum I had a hard time anxiety wise. Thankfully it wasn't full blown bad symptoms, just minor balance stuff, but still it was hard to make my way through each room. I think it didn't help that I wasn't that interested in the paintings. I also had a hard time when Matt was in one room and me another.

We made it through the whole thing though and I'm really glad I did, because the very last room we went to, had Monet. And not only that, but my very favorite painting by him! I have done this painting a few times myself, in oil pastel, and acrylic on canvas. So I was super excited to see the real thing in person, and it was beautiful!

I think the problem with the museum was feeling trapped and it being so wide open. There is absolutely nothing to lean on or hold onto, as everything is art and non touchable. There are benches, but because I'm me, I didn't want to sit down, for fear of how I would feel standing back up. Usually it's worse, when I have balance problems.

Anyhoo, once we made it outside I felt tons better. And I must stress, the discomfort I felt throughout the museum was relatively minor. I could put up with it fine, and never really felt the need to flee. I was mostly scared that I would feel that way. It could have been so much worse, and probably would have been a month or two ago, so I am really happy with my progess yesterday.

Another thing that contributed to the anxiety was the fact that we were with people. If it was just me and Matt I think it would have been more relaxing for me, but with other people I feel extra anxious worrying about "what if" this, that and everything else might happen, and how it would be embarrassing to admit it to them. Even though they already know my problems with anxiety. Sheesh, the stress I put myself through just to do normal everyday things.


So after the museum we met up with the rest of the clan at the park and rode our bikes to the bike rental place by Stowe Lake since we were short a few bikes. Okay this is where I had an issue. The way to the Lake was up hills. I do not do hills well. I never have, and with anxiety about my heart racing, and breathing and passing out, I especially don't do well with them now. By the time I made it up there, I was out of breath and of course, my heart was racing like a maniac, and I was scared. We were far from the car, (about a mile), but the only way back was riding the bike, walking, or waiting for someone to come get us and those options were not ideal for me, as I want to escape fast when I panic.

I wasn't full blown panicked yet, but I knew I wasn't going to do well the rest of the way. Especially since there were 12 of us, and Matt goes faster then me, and all the kids want to be with him, so it's hard for me to get his attention when/if I need to "escape".

It didn't help that at the rental place there wasn't any privacy to talk to Matt and tell him how I was feeling, since everyone was around and the kids were all ears. I feel bad, and embarrased at the same time. I don't want him to miss out on visiting with his family because of me. And his nephew obviously wanted to pal around with him, so of course I felt trapped again.

Well you know what, I'm really tired and this post could go on all night since so much happened. I really need to learn how to cut it short when it comes to writing, but in a way who cares, because really this is just a journal of my days, and my recovery, so it doesn't neccessarily need to be short. Besides I really want to document how things were, the proper way. Already I've left stuff out, like car trouble, which really revved up my nerves. So in an effort to do this right, I think I postpone the rest of the story until tomorrow, when I have more time. I just really need to rest.

San Francisco with the in laws

Oh my gosh. I'm way too tired to post a proper post, but I just wanted to say that despite some huge mishaps and loads of anxiety. I survived a trip to San Francisco with my in laws. I want to elaborate more on this day as it was a good one, and we really had a good time, but oh so much happened, and I just don't have the energy to write about tonight. I must sleep! Tomorrow I will try to post the whole story...

Why so early?

Ugh! I woke up at 7:30 because I was having some freaky nightmarish dream. It wasn't an actual scary, someone is trying to kill me, nightmare, but it certainly was too creepy to continue.

My body must have agreed and woke up me up suddenly on the verge of an anxiety attack. Head pounding, dizzy, scared etc. I tried lying back down and going to sleep since it was entirely too early for me to get up, but I was too dizzy. I absolutely hate when that happens. It's not everyday, but It's frequent enough, and it bothers me to no end.

I never ever had this issue before until about 5 years ago, so I know it's not normal in the sense that it's something I've had all my life. I have no clue what causes it, but the only thing I can figure is it seems to happen when I wake up too quickly. In the good old days, I would have just had a smoke and the dizziness would have gone away and then I could go back to sleep, but ever since I accidently quit last year, I can't do that.

In fact quitting smoking has made recovering from anxiety harder. I know a lot of doctors will think I'm crazy, but it always helped me when I was anxious, dizzy, off balance whatever. If I could just have a cigarette then things would be okay.

Looking back over the last few years, I see that the anxiety has always been there, I just didn't let it get to me like it does now, until after that weekend at the hospital with Matt's mom.

I remember so many times where I just couldn't wait to leave situations, be it a store, talking with people, restaurant, whatever, because I was feeling increasingly nervous, and off balance. I always knew that if I could just go have a smoke I would be okay. At the time I thought it was just the withdrawals from nicotine, but since it continues to happen even without smoking I know that isn't the case.

Now I have been through enough therapy in my lifetime, to know that thinking smoking cured my anxiety symptoms is probably psychosomatic, but it doesn't change that it totally helped me through those rough times.

What I really need to do is find something to replace the smoking. Yes even a year later I still want those nasty things. Even though I hate the smell, and the harm they do physically, the urge is still so very strong in me that I don't trust myself completely. This is part of the reason I'm not motivated to drive by myself that much to get over that part of my anxiety.

In the past, you couldn't keep me from running errands, even with anxiety. I couldn't wait to run to the store, or gas station, whatever, just so I could have a cigarette. And if on the rare occassion I was actually left alone at home, well that was the best.

Smoking was my reward, and it was part of my independence. I know it makes no sense, but I absolutely identified smoking with being independent. It was something only I did, and usually in secret, until Matt broke it to me, that he knew all along. Of course he did, how could I honestly think I hid that smell and taste from him for so long? Obviously I was in denial. Even when it came out in the open, I still tried to hide it from him by taking drives.

So now that's it's gone, I mourn it like a lost friend. To me it's very sad that I no longer have that crutch to help along the rough roads ahead. Finding a replacement has not been easy either. So far nothing has been able to subsitute it, and when I finally learn to drive on my own again , at this point, I do not trust that I won't find myself at a liquor store or gas station asking for a pack of cigarettes when things get tough.

I know that's holding me back a little as I can't not imagine driving over the hill on my own without them. Fear or no fear. They were what always got me through the drive, whenever I started getting nervous I always knew that I could smoke.

I'm back and here to stay...

So today I decided I am going to try to make this anxiety blog/journal an everyday thing. This is so typical of me, to start something and get all Gung Ho about it, and then totally let it drop a few weeks in. It's actually what I consider one of my worst traits. The strange thing is, it's not like I don't want to do these things anymore, I just somehow get lazy about it. I have so many interests and projects that I start and almost none get finished.

Art and writing are great examples. Currently I am working on about ten different art projects. Drawings, paintings, mosaics, journals, etc. I frequently get the urge to do something artistic, yet I almost never go downstairs to the studio unless I'm pushed into it by Matt. Then, when I'm there I am overwhelmed and don't know what to work on, or feel that I can't finish a painting, because I might mess it up. Agh! Writing is the same way.

That? Is pretty much the story of my life. I am afraid to mess up, make a mistake or fail, so I don't finish or pursue things like I want to. I think that's why I didn't get my drivers license until I was 22, or that I haven't finished school yet. I don't want to fail. In the case of school, I am afraid to make the wrong decision when it comes to choosing a career. The stupid thing is, I'm 34 now. I've been going to various junior colleges off and on for the last 15 years. If I keep this up I won't need to choose a career, because I can just retire.

Honestly I should have just picked a darn career and gotten a degree already. I know I can always get a new degree if I want to, yet something holds me back from making a decision. An even bigger bummer is that I feel like I let my parents down by not completing school. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I really feel like I failed them as a daughter.

School meant a lot to my parents, and I so was not the student they wanted me to be in high school. I drank, I smoked, I did drugs. (Of course they didn't know this at the time). Needless to say my mind wasn't into academics, and I almost didn't graduate. In fact I didn't know if I was going to graduate until the day of the ceremony, and even then the principal didn't want to give me my diploma when I went up to take it. She actually pulled it back out of my hands! I'm pretty sure she was joking, but It made me nervous for a moment.

Anyway, here I am 15 or so years later, and still trying to get my AA. I really do plan to get it to. Partly to please my parents, and partly because despite my lack of scholastic enthusiasam in high school, I have become quite the scholar in my college years, and not only enjoy school but really want to finish for myself. Now if only I could decide what I want to be when I grow up. Perhaps I have a touch of Peter Pan in me, and just don't want to grow up. Lord knows it's way more fun sometimes.

Ok, when I sat down to write this post, I had no intention of going off on this topic. I was planning on writing about my day today, but instead this mess came out. I suppose that is because in therapy today we were sort of discussing this issue. Me feeling like a failure and all, I guess it was still lingering inside even though I wasn't really thinking about it anymore.

Even though this post is getting lengthy, which is really nothing new, I still want to discuss a little about my day which was really very good.

Although it didn't start out that way, but that's only because we had to get up way too early and take the car to the mountain mechanic, and then-this is the part I really didn't want to do-ride the motorcycle back home. Normally this is no big deal, but with anxiety it has become somewhat of a problem. I am now afraid to ride the bike, because if I have anxiety symptoms, especially the bad ones where I feel I'm loosing control, I'm afraid I will fall off or not be able to handle it like I would in a car.

Stupid? You bet. But it's the truth. Plus I am still afraid to take a lot of the roads we like to ride the bike on, due to the fact that they are long mountain roads that go away from civilization, aka "help". Anyway today's ride was hardly worth a panic attack as it was only a mile, and it worked out just fine and was actually fun, even if I was wearing sweats instead of my motorcycle pants which I'm embarrassed to say that I am too fat to fit into anymore. It's a shame really as I don't feel fully comfortable riding without them and all the padding they provide. Considering we have fallen a few times, (nothing serious and always while going super slow or standing still,) I do not want the only thing between me and the ground to be a thin layer of cotton.

Once we got the car back, we ran over the hill to my therapy session which was really good. I have to say, it has been extremely helpful to be in therapy again. I can't believe how much our lives have changed in the last two months since I've started. It's like we have a life again. We are doing things I never would have dreamed of doing just a few months ago.

Like In the past month I've been to Santa Rosa 3 times! I never thought I would get there again. In fact we are thinking about going tomorrow since Gretchen is here from Colorado. I go to San Francisco now, like it was just down the street. We've been so much it's like a second home, and now I consider it one of my safe places. Totally awesome!

Anyway, one of the things we do on Thursday's after therapy is go for a walk at a park. Matt runs and I walk. Well Matt runs as far as I feel comfortable letting him go, which isn't too far and preferably not out of my site before he turns around and runs back to me. This actually works out better than it sounds, since some of the parks we go to like Rancho and Henry Cowell have long straight stretches of trail in parts, so Matt can run pretty far before he has to turn around again.

Lately though it's been getting easier on me, and I think Matt is testing me a little as he seems to run farther and sometimes around corners out of my site for longer than I like. It used to really scare me, but recently I don't mind so much. In fact some of the times I'm pretty comfortable walking by myself and don't really worry about what Matt is up to. The bummer is, I usually end up thinking about not being scared and then worrying that I will get scared and then sure enough I end up scared. The good news is, the scaries aren't as scary as they used to be. What I mean is, I get nervous, but then I get over it pretty quickly now.

Soooo, back to my day today. Man I'm long winded. This is what I get for not keeping up with my blogging.

After therapy we went to Cooley park. We have been coming here lately instead of Rancho, because it has a creek that we like to walk in, a nice trail and a few animal friends. There is a rooster and chicken there that we have taken to feeding. We took some chicken feed from his mom and feed it to our new friends Mr Fancy Feathers (the rooster) and Miss Bossy Boots (his girlfriend who totally lives up to her name and she obviously wears the pants in the family).

We also have some duck friends that we feed leftover bread to, but today I forget to get it out of the freezer, so Matt suggested we give them Wheat Thins, against my better judgement I let him do so. I was afraid they would be too hard, but the ducks ended up eating them, so what do I know. I think they prefer bread though.

After the feeding frenzy is over, we usually go for our walk/run, but today Matt decided he would walk with me for a change, which I have to say was really nice. We managed to explore the trail a lot further today, and followed it up the mountain until it got too narrow. Since the mountain is overflowing with poison oak neither one of us were too keen to navigate such a narrow path without a suit of armor. Especially since Matt practically gets poison oak just by looking at it, so we turned around and wandered the creek a little to wash off our shoes.

Our last stop on Thursdays is always Petroglyph. We have been working on our projects for the last month. Tonight we only had two hours to paint, and one would think that would be plenty of time to finish a teapot, but surprisingly it isn't. It takes that long just to do one tiny section sometimes. In order to prevent streaking and to get a nice color you need to apply at least three coats of paint. Most people just show up, pick out a plate, splash some color on and are done in an hour or two. Not us. We are taking this very seriously. You'd think we were being commissioned by someone. Nope, we just take a loooooooong time. It's okay though, because we really enjoy going there, and I have to admit that Thursdays are my favorite days. I really look forward to our park and art time, and I will be really bummed when my teapot and his plate are complete.

The funny thing is, 2 months ago I would have been too scared to do this, because I would have been afraid of an anxiety attack in the store and I would have felt trapped. Strange. It all seems so silly now.