Please excuse my absences I'm in pain

Oh geez. I didn't write last night, and I didn't even remember until I was already in bed, and by then I wasn't about to get up.

Basically yesterday I went to the tooth pulling dentist, and had a mini panic about sitting in his office and talking to him. Once I was freed, I was fine, but in there with the iv bag staring me in the face, it was hard not to feel a bit ill. But I survived and so did my tooth, as it looks like I'm getting a root canal. Which I'm extremely happy about. So now I'm off to yet another dentist for that. I sure am racking up a bunch of doctor points now.

Oh and yesterday Matt had a dentist appointment which I was more worried about as that meant I would be by myself and esentially trapped, especially since I couldn't go to my mom's because she was sick, and I couldn't call because she couldn't use her voice, or so Karl told me. So naturally I worried about not having a back up, but just as we got to the office, mom called and said if I needed I could call and she would come over. Feeew. That's all I needed to feel confident, and I did fine waiting for Matt to have his exam. No issues. I just read my book and played my game.

Now today I went to mom's so I didn't do much as far as challenges go except sitting in a restaurant for 2 hours for lunch. I have to say I've been doing really well symptom wise, and even when I get scared now, the symptoms aren't nearly as bad. Even at the dentist yesterday, I got up from the chair to go to the lobby, and started to feel that weird I'm walking in a fog thing, but it was mild and as soon as I got to the lobby I was totally fine. Normally I would have been worked up for hours afterwards. So just getting out of situations is actually starting to work for me again. My symptoms are milder and shorter, and I'm really liking that now.

Other than all that, I'm just dealing with my darn tooth, which is driving me nuts. Sometimes I'm totally fine and others I can't hardly stand the pain. Take this morning. Went to bed at 2:30 pain free. Up at 5:30 with a throbbing face. Took Tylonel nothing happened. Took another at 7:30, nothing. Kept getting up, would feel better, then lay down to go back to sleep and feel like shit. Finally around 8 I decided to eat, and lo and behold I felt better, and actually fell asleep again for another whole hour before the alarm went off. I could have cried.

Update

eeek! I haven't written my blog in 2 days! The first day I forgot, then yesterday Matt absconded with computer last night, and took it completely apart trying to fix the screen issue, which took hours. By the time I got it back, unfixed, I wasn't up to it. It was close to 2 in the morning, I was in pain, from my tooth, and just trying to get comfortable enough to go to bed.

Today, I almost forgot again! But as I was doing my points just now, I realized I best be writing my posts.

Let's see, what happened today? Well to start with we went to San Francisco. This would have been a much more pleasurable experience, had we, one, not left too late, and two, had I not gotten the worst cramps complete with flooding, the minute we got into the city.

It was so bad, after about a half hour, I told Matt to turn around and go home. There was no way, I was going to be able to enjoy anything, sitting, standing, walking etc. I was so frustrated because we had finally made it out there, I wasn't having anxiety, and my tooth was actually behaving itself, so when the cramps started, It was the last straw. I mean it's like there is always something with me. I can't just feel good.

Just as we started getting close to the freeway, the cramps subsided a bit. So we turned around and went back. I really did not want to go home. I was totally looking forward to being in the city, and was really hoping to get some inspiration for art., since I've totally been unmotivated lately.

Unfortunately we wasted quite a bit of time getting across the city, three times, that by the time we made it to our first destination-the Squat and Gobble on Haight-it was nearly 4:30. Pooh. Plus, it gets dark at 5:30 and it's Sunday so things close early.

We never made it to any galleries or anything remotely art related, but we did have a good dinner/breakfast and found a few cool shops on the way back to the car, to get me stuff at. Not actually a problem on Haight though as there are tons of cool stores.

I did have some anxiety though. At first I was fine, but as we got to the restaurant, I got nervous, since we would be "trapped" waiting for our food, blah blah blah. Well I got through the restaurant bit pretty good, but afterwards while walking around, the nerves really hit. It was almost a repeat of the last time we were there, and I started to panic a bit, just trying to make our way through the crowds, and looking around tiny crowded stores. The last two we went to, I found cool stuff for me, and calmed down a bit, but was still nervous until the very end.

It all turned out good, and since it was kinda too late to do the stuff we wanted to do, we made our way home, which I'm proud to say the way there and back were very non issues for me. No anxiety at all!! That's progress, especially since we haven't been there in forever!

Oh yeah and yesterday was a good day too. I even let Matt get a hair cut while I waiting it the lobby area. I could still see him, wasn't really worried. I played my games and before I knew it he was done. Then we went to Bucca de Beppo, where I almost got nervous, but decided not too, we had a good time. I've been doing a lot better with my symptoms too. I feel the balance stuff come on here and there, but I'm trying extremely hard not to get worked up about it, and luckily they have been going away.

So tomorrow, Matt has a dentist appointment for a teeth cleaning and I am worried about that, because there he will be being worked on and if I panic we can't just leave. I'm really hoping my mom will be home, so I can just drive over there and wait til he's done, but she may not be. Then I have my consultation with the other dentist in the afternoon, and oddly I'm more nervous about Matt's appointment then mine. See I know I can leave when I want, and not only that he isn't doing anything but talking to me, so I'm not too scared of that. In fact I'm hoping to convince him to give me a root canal. I really don't want my tooth pulled, but I think I can handle a root canal.

Okay enough of that, my tooth is throbbing again, so I'm outta here. Ouch!


Update, I tried posting this last night (tonight), but blogger is not working.

I did it!

I went to the dentist. The whole experience was totally painless, though I almost barfed on the the technician when she put one of the cardboard x-ray plates in my mouth. I gag brushing my teeth, so I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised when that happened.

Anyway, the experience was good. I was nervous, though not as bad as I was for the doctor. I told him right away I had bad anxiety and he couldn't have been nicer, though I can't say the same for his assistant. She seemed irritated, and did not give off an understanding air.

Anyhoo, the main thing is, I have to have my tooth extracted. Which I'm VERY nervous about. Also I am being referred out, since my dentist refuses to take my tooth out, because it is quite a bit decayed, and he just doesn't want to deal with that. Don't really blame him.

My consultation with the other dentist is Monday. I'm nervous, but I also know it's just an appointment to talk, so it shouldn't be too bad. The only problem is after that, I can't put off the actual procedure much longer. I am very scared of bad bacteria getting into my bloodstream and causing a ruckus. Which of course the dentist said could happen because germs are heading in there, but it is rare to have such a complication.

So at this point I'm pretty much in denial about getting my tooth pulled. I'm just going through the motions I have to for now, but I know I'm going to put the brakes on when the actual time comes. Honestly how the hell am I going to deal with that? Unless it's a very very quick procedure, I don't think I can. I mean I've been putting off getting my wisdom teeth out for 20 years!

Other than that, my day went by fine. I've been pretty pain free up until a couple hours ago, now I'm just trying to stay comfortable.

I hope the dentist doesn't hurt tomorrow...

Well let's see, what have I done today? I woke up, and that was good. Then I went for my therapy sessions, which were good as well. In fact I got my rx for my head medicine, I haven't taken it yet, but I at least have the rx so I can get it filled whenever I want.

Oh and I made a dentist appointment today, which considering I can tell the temperature through my teeth, it's a good thing I'm going.

Part of my therapy talk was to get me back on track with all my duties, and my main task this week is to make sure I get a drive in everyday. So I started today and went for my drive while Matt was at work.

This was extra special because not only was it dark, but I went and got a milkshake!! Which means I went through the drive through by myself! True there was no one ahead of me, but still I did it, and even under those pristine conditions, I was still scared. Major bonus points for me. It didn't matter that the shake sent shooting pain into my eyeballs every time I took a sip, the point was I actually got it all by myself.

We just got home from Matt's work, and now I'm sitting here waiting for the pain meds to kick in, and then I will play my game and probably eat a little something. That's pretty much it.

Owww!

I've done nothing today except play games and watch TV. I do not even feel guilty. I've had fun, and besides I have a good excuse. I'm in pain. My stomach is acting up again, which makes it hard to eat, and stand/walk. And if that weren't enough, I've had massive mouth pain, from what I can only assume is that broken tooth. Although the pain is on both the top and bottom, which makes no sense so it may be a wisdom tooth thing. Either way, it pounds, and it super painful to have hot and cold food/drinks.

Anxiety wise, I've done fine, even when I was feeling off balance earlier and last night even, I didn't worry. Symptom wise, I've been pretty darn good.

I just hope tomorrow is less painful.

Art Sunday

Well I pretty much did nothing today, except finish my mom's painting, which I worked on all day. In fact I just now finished.

Anxiety wise, I've been pretty darn good. I had some while talking to Matt's mom, not sure why that happened, but it did, and it went away after I got off the phone. Matt even was on the roof all day today, and at first I was nervous, but as I had to concentrate on my painting, I soon forgot to be scared.

So seriously that's really all I did. Oh yeah and watch the new Iron Chef shows.

That's all folks.

Happy Halloween

Well I couldn't post earlier, because I was too busy watching the Food Network Challenge, but now Iron Chef America is on, and I've already seen it, so here I am.

First, I woke up fine. Actually I woke up about 80 times last night, and each time was fine. We've been sleeping on the couch again, as we seem to do every winter, and I think it's becoming hard for me to sleep. At first I'm super comfortable, but then I wake up in pain, from my leg, and it's really hard to get in a spot that doesn't cause pain. Actually this would probably happen in the bed too come to think of it. I just can't get that leg in a good position without it hurting.

Today wasn't anything special, even though it was Halloween, we did absolutely nothing for it, which I'm somewhat bummed about. It just came up so fast, and the weather has felt more like summer, that I haven't been in the Fall/Halloween mood, I mean I didn't even decorate! I feel like such a loser. Which is a whole nother issue, but we won't get into that.

What we did end up doing, was go over the hill to score some more firewood, which turned out to be a waste of time, which as we found out when we got home, the wood is still too wet to burn, and Matt couldn't chop a lot of it, so he was pretty bummed about that.

While he was outside struggling with the axe though I took that opportunity to take my daily drive to town. That is all I did really, I didn't stop anywhere, as I'm just trying to get used to driving without freaking out every single time.

My big fear now, is getting pulled over by the fuzz. I think I would seriously panic, because they looooove to keep you sitting there forever, and talk about feeling trapped! You can't just drive away from the police. The whole way to town, I was rehearsing my speech to the cop to please arrest me at home, so I don't panic. Somehow I don't think they will do that...

When I got back I started on dinner, and made a pretty good chicken curry. Which I was super surprised about. And, after dinner I thought we would head straight downstairs so I could work on my mom's painting, but we didn't. In fact we didn't get down there, til about 10, so I only had two hours to work before my show came on at midnight.

I'm done with it for the night, because I'm super frustrated (as usual). It sucks cause I'm working in a hurry to get it done by her birthday on Monday, and I'm having a hard time with color combos and placement. I should have just stuck with my regular collages, but no I had to go and try something new.

So I'm just waiting for a show to come on at 2, and trying not to eat a chocolate chip cookie, not an easy thing to do I assure you.