Pretty terrific tuesday

I had a pretty good day today. It started off kinda bad, but it got better. Matt drove me down to mom's and for some reason I was getting really nervous about my dentist appointment. Even though it was only to talk to the guy, I was seriously scared. In fact I felt a bit sick about it, and thought there was no way I could go.

Which really surprised me, because I truly had not been thinking much about the appointment. I knew I wasn't getting a root canal today, so why even worry at this point? Yet I did.

Then right before I got to my mom's, the dentist called to reschedule my appt. That must have been fate, I'm telling you, because I honestly was feeling too worked up to go. After that little miracle, I was fine. Of course.

In fact I did extremely well through out the day. Even at all the stores we went to, even standing by myself in lines, and wandering the stores a bit on my own. And at one point, we needed to go pick up a car, so I drove it back to the house. Mom was behind me, but I wasn't at all scared.

I've been pretty much symptom free all day today. A few minor feelings here and there, but really not much at all.

Booooooring!

I am bored. My life is boring. It has no purpose. What's worse is that I can't seem to be bothered to get off my fat arse and do something about this.

I know full well, it sounds like I'm depressed and possibly suicidal, but I assure you I am not. I like life and all the things it has to offer. I truly want to go out and do things. Travel would be high on my list. But for some reason, I seem to be stuck. Overwhelmed. Lazy.

Not only that, but the one thing that really seemed to get me excited, has now become blah. I'm talking about art. I have no desire to go downstairs to that artic freezer and try to create things. I also have no desire to haul everything up here and make a huge mess trying to create things in a space that was never meant to accommodate such activities. What I really need is a nice art area up here, where everything can fit, where I won't mind going to, and where the temperature isn't 20 degrees cooler.

The area downstairs is lovely for a studio, except it smells overwhelmingly like dirt, and every time I come up from spending time down there, my throat is very irritated for the whole of the next day. So I don't go anymore.

The other issue is that there is only one room in the house that is at all comfortable in the winter time, and that is the living room where the wood burning stove is. We spend all our time here for the 4 months or so of winter, and even sleep in here most of that time as well. So going off to the kitchen or my den is really an unpleasant experience, because as soon as you leave the cozy confines of the living room, you immediately start chattering, and find yourself racing around to get whatever it is you needed to get done in that part of the house, and then making your way back to the couch and fire post haste before frostbite can set in.

And since the living room only offers one kind of sitting choice (3 couches), I am permanently stuck to one of those said couches on days such as these (namely days we don't leave the house because Matt is working all day). This makes for some very sore muscles, and spectacular headaches from being scrunched up all day on the computer or reading.

I'm really on a complaining kick aren't I? Well I can't help it. I'm done fed up with doing nothing all day long. It doesn't start out that way either. The day usually starts with lofty ambitions of all the things I'm going to get done and accomplish that day.

Yet, as we are late to bed, and late to rise, by the time we get showered and dressed it is about 1:30, and then it's time for lunch. Of course after lunch, well I'm just too full to do those dishes or vacuum, or that laundry right now, so let me rest for bit by reading this book and checking the internet, and then I'll get to it, just as soon as I feel more comfortable and energetic. Okay?

Yeah right! Never happens, and before I know it, dusk is settling in, and whoops another day has gone, and then my Food Network shows are on, and Whoops there goes the night, and now it's time for bed, only to wake up and repeat the whole stinkin process over again.

Pretty fucking sad huh?

So seriously, I really need to step up on getting my life together. I feel lost and lonely, and just don't know how to get back to what I used to be.

I know I have homework from therapy, and I'm supposed to be trying to get on a schedule which I need so bad, but I can not for the life of me seem to do this. What will it take for me to pick up those damn car keys and take my drive?

I don't need to even go that far, I just need to go. Yet day after day, I don't do it. And at this point it's not really about being nervous. I know I can drive to the store, down the street, across the road, whatever. I'm not scared about that so much anymore, it's just that it has become such a habit, not to do things, that I think I can't and then I don't!

Like today. The highlight of my day, was going to the ATM while Matt went into the Hardware store next door. I had no trouble with this. I didn't even know which area of the store he would be in, nor did I really care. This is progress.

Then later while at home, he kept hinting about taking Monkey for his walk, which I had no interest in doing as I was too cold. So it occured to me, to have Matt just go without me, and I didn't feel scared about it. Yet, I never mentioned this to him. Why? I think because it's such a habit not to do anything, and to be scared about doing anything, that now when I'm feeling more confident about this anxiety, I'm still hesitant to branch out, because I'm so used to not doing it. If that makes any sense.

And the thing is, the sooner I can branch out and do things, which I actually feel like I can now, the sooner I can have a life. If Matt wants to spend his whole day on the couch with the laptop working, he can do so, but I can be shopping for dinner, or working, or doing anything that interests me. The possibilities are endless and exciting.

I'm wasting this time on disability and it's making me more anxious and overwhelmed thinking that in a month the time will come for me to either extend my disability (at this rate, it may as well be permanently), or go back to work and face those demons, which I also don't want to do.


I really want my life back!! I wish I never went on that darn backpacking trip sometimes!

Sunday Stuff

Boy I've been really lucky with the pain lately. For some reason, it has mostly gone away. Until, that is, I eat. It used to be that eating helped, and would actually relieve the bad sensations, but now, just one bite of food will send astonishingly bad pain straight to my brain. In fact I had to take Tylenol and use a hot pack to the face, just to eat my mac and cheese last night. One of the softest foods on the planet.

Though I must say, it hasn't stopped me eating ice cream, even though my facial muscles become momentarily paralyzed in a puckering position, and my eyeballs roll into the back of my head, while sharp stabby pains consume the whole left side of my face. Eventually it goes away enough for me to scarf down the rest of my frozen creamy goodness, but afterward all hell breaks loose, while my poor nerves settle down from the onslaught of freezing cold.

You know I'm kinda thinking of putting off my root canal now, because I can't help but see this as a sure fire opportunity to loose those 30 pounds that I have accumulated since I hurt my back two years ago. Especially now that the holidays are near. What a way to keep trim right? I'm pretty sure this would work.

What? Not a good idea?

Anyhoo, let's move on. Yesterday was a good one. We gallery sat from 3-6, and I worked on a painting, and generally had a good relaxing time. No issues this time, and I was totally comfortable. So comfortable in fact, that I walked to the market across the street by myself and went shopping. I didn't just pick up one thing either, I actually roamed around the store (yes it was sort of quickly) but without fear, and grabbed my items. Then I had to wait in line, since there were two people ahead of me, but I did fine. Now if I could just keep my brain from thinking "what if I panic", It would have been perfect.

And today, was another good day. Went to Pacifica to eat at Gorilla's BBQ that we saw on Diners, Drive ins and Dives, and yep it was good. Now the wierd thing is just as we got to the turn to the parking lot, I started to feel disoriented a bit. Like a mini out of body experience, and I easily could have panicked and had major problems, but I didn't.

Not only that, but when we got to the place, which is nothing but a train car, we had to wait in an enormous line, in a very tiny spot. But guess what? I totally did fine!! No major issues. The only problem was I was super hungry and I kept worrying about getting that bad hungry fainty feeling, but luckily we got our food in time.

After we ate, we went to SF, and I admit I was feeling a bit nervous since I was full and having a tiny bit of a hard time breathing, and I kept thinking I was dizzy, even though I really wasn't. No matter it didn't ruin anything.

We went for a walk in Golden Gate Park looking for this mysterious cafe place we ran across one night on our bikes, and at that point I felt a little unease as we got further from the car. Especially when we got to a really narrow point that was obviously where the homeless folks slept, and call me a chicken but I got nervous going through there. I didn't want to come up on anyone and make them mad for tromping through their house. Now normally, I wouldn't have worried so much and probably would have thought it quite adventurous, but with the Big A things are different, so of course I sort of had a really mini panic moment.

We eventually made our way back, and found ourselves at the beach where there was some drumming action going on that Matt wanted to check out. It was very cool as it was a lovely evening. The sun was just going down, tons of folks were on the beach with bonfires, it was totally clear, and the "music" was playing. It was very cool.

Unfortunately I could not completely relax, because during the walk I felt out of breath, and it carried into this experience, so I kept thinking and worrying about my breathing. Of course it was all anxiety, and I knew it then, but it still hung around. Luckily I enjoyed myself still, and we didn't leave because of it. In fact we stayed for quite awhile, long after the sun went down and I started to freeze just a little bit.

We then explored the city a bit looking for an ice cream parlor and lo and behold we actually found one, somewhat close by. I got my fix and then we went home.

Pretty good day. And it was very nice to get out of the house, and feel like there is life outside of work, and worry, and the Food Network.

A little relief. Finally!

Okay today was much much better pain wise. For one, I actually slept through the night, only problem was it was one of those days where we had to get up early, so I couldn't sleep as long as I needed.

Luckily I've only had one major flare up today, and that was around 3 pm, so since about 4 I've been doing pretty darn good. Not sure why that is, but I promise I won't complain, because the pain I felt earlier was the worst ever. This may or may not have had anything to do with the fact that I tried treating the pain with vanilla extract, which is something I read on the internet and people swore by.

Well it numbed my mouth for about 3 1/2 seconds, and then the burn kicked in, and about 3/4 of the way home, the pain was so intense, I really thought for sure I would need medical intervention.

Somehow, I got the bad sharp stabby pains to go away through various remedies, and it has been gone almost completely since then. Maybe the vanilla did work after all. Who knows, it's quite possible some nerves were killed during that process of which I'm not entirely sad about. Needless to say, I probably won't do that again.

Now anxiety wise I've done okay too. Had a moment in Whole Foods while Matt was in the restroom, but it wasn't bad, and really it was mostly I kept thinking I would get scared, not that I actually was. But the more I thought about it, the worse I got, and by the time he got out, I had worked myself into the pressure cooker symptom, which I still feel off and on now, complete with pounding headache, though some of that may have to do with my mouth issue, not entirely sure.

I did well too at his work, he actually had to go upstairs for a meeting and this time instead of getting scared about that, and or follow them, I decided to stay downstairs where it was more comfortable. I had no issues at all. Except that I was hungry. But that's nothing new.

And I did a drive sort of by myself. I drove the car and Matt followed on the motorcycle to the video store. It was night and I really wanted to rent a game, but just didn't feel comfortable enough to do so alone, so I cheated a bit and had him follow me. That doesn't mean I wasn't scared, I worried plenty about him not staying behind me, and us being separated somehow, etc. So I should get some points for that.

My main problem is that I don't feel like I have any purpose in life. No career, not even school, no family to take care of, nothing. There are things I could do, like clean the house, but for some reason I just can't muster up any enthusiasm for that like I used to. Same thing with art. Not sure why, but it's really fallen by the wayside. I'm just not getting excited thinking about it. It's like I've gotten too lazy for life. Not good. Especially since I like it, and there are plenty of things I would do, if it weren't for the Big A.

Part of this laziness and not doing anything besides making a crater to rival the Grand Canyon in the couch, is because of my tooth pain. This really is the best day I've had in a week and a half and I've spent most of it over the hill.

The other days, I'm doing all I can to function properly. Thinking straight isn't always an option, so I frequently find myself staring at my screen saver in a stupor while the minutes tick away. Pretty soon hours go by and I've gotten absolutely nowhere with the day. It's surprising how fast the time can go while you are in pain and waiting for relief. One would think it would be excruciatingly slow, but I've found it to be the complete opposite.

For instance it's not uncommon to find me in the wee hours of the morning rocking back in forth on the bed in tears, and staring out the window praying for a break in the throbbing. For all I can tell I've only been there a few minutes, so I'm very surprised when I look at the bedside clock, and find that an hour or more have gone by. I think I just zone out, it's really all I can do when it gets bad.

The pain itself might be more bearable if it would just stay where the problem actually lies, such as the rotten tooth, but no, it frequently travels into the back of my head, into my ear, all down my jaw, upon occasion, a quick jaunt into my eyeballs, and most recently, making cameo appearances in my sinuses. I've swallowed so many pills, I'm pretty sure my liver is making picket signs for the upcoming strike, and my stomach is threatening to bleed if I so much as sniff another Motrin. So yeah it's a little hard to get things done during the day.

Thank god today was better!

Not much

I'm summing today up in one word. OWWWWW!

That's really all I have to say.

Please excuse my absences I'm in pain

Oh geez. I didn't write last night, and I didn't even remember until I was already in bed, and by then I wasn't about to get up.

Basically yesterday I went to the tooth pulling dentist, and had a mini panic about sitting in his office and talking to him. Once I was freed, I was fine, but in there with the iv bag staring me in the face, it was hard not to feel a bit ill. But I survived and so did my tooth, as it looks like I'm getting a root canal. Which I'm extremely happy about. So now I'm off to yet another dentist for that. I sure am racking up a bunch of doctor points now.

Oh and yesterday Matt had a dentist appointment which I was more worried about as that meant I would be by myself and esentially trapped, especially since I couldn't go to my mom's because she was sick, and I couldn't call because she couldn't use her voice, or so Karl told me. So naturally I worried about not having a back up, but just as we got to the office, mom called and said if I needed I could call and she would come over. Feeew. That's all I needed to feel confident, and I did fine waiting for Matt to have his exam. No issues. I just read my book and played my game.

Now today I went to mom's so I didn't do much as far as challenges go except sitting in a restaurant for 2 hours for lunch. I have to say I've been doing really well symptom wise, and even when I get scared now, the symptoms aren't nearly as bad. Even at the dentist yesterday, I got up from the chair to go to the lobby, and started to feel that weird I'm walking in a fog thing, but it was mild and as soon as I got to the lobby I was totally fine. Normally I would have been worked up for hours afterwards. So just getting out of situations is actually starting to work for me again. My symptoms are milder and shorter, and I'm really liking that now.

Other than all that, I'm just dealing with my darn tooth, which is driving me nuts. Sometimes I'm totally fine and others I can't hardly stand the pain. Take this morning. Went to bed at 2:30 pain free. Up at 5:30 with a throbbing face. Took Tylonel nothing happened. Took another at 7:30, nothing. Kept getting up, would feel better, then lay down to go back to sleep and feel like shit. Finally around 8 I decided to eat, and lo and behold I felt better, and actually fell asleep again for another whole hour before the alarm went off. I could have cried.

Update

eeek! I haven't written my blog in 2 days! The first day I forgot, then yesterday Matt absconded with computer last night, and took it completely apart trying to fix the screen issue, which took hours. By the time I got it back, unfixed, I wasn't up to it. It was close to 2 in the morning, I was in pain, from my tooth, and just trying to get comfortable enough to go to bed.

Today, I almost forgot again! But as I was doing my points just now, I realized I best be writing my posts.

Let's see, what happened today? Well to start with we went to San Francisco. This would have been a much more pleasurable experience, had we, one, not left too late, and two, had I not gotten the worst cramps complete with flooding, the minute we got into the city.

It was so bad, after about a half hour, I told Matt to turn around and go home. There was no way, I was going to be able to enjoy anything, sitting, standing, walking etc. I was so frustrated because we had finally made it out there, I wasn't having anxiety, and my tooth was actually behaving itself, so when the cramps started, It was the last straw. I mean it's like there is always something with me. I can't just feel good.

Just as we started getting close to the freeway, the cramps subsided a bit. So we turned around and went back. I really did not want to go home. I was totally looking forward to being in the city, and was really hoping to get some inspiration for art., since I've totally been unmotivated lately.

Unfortunately we wasted quite a bit of time getting across the city, three times, that by the time we made it to our first destination-the Squat and Gobble on Haight-it was nearly 4:30. Pooh. Plus, it gets dark at 5:30 and it's Sunday so things close early.

We never made it to any galleries or anything remotely art related, but we did have a good dinner/breakfast and found a few cool shops on the way back to the car, to get me stuff at. Not actually a problem on Haight though as there are tons of cool stores.

I did have some anxiety though. At first I was fine, but as we got to the restaurant, I got nervous, since we would be "trapped" waiting for our food, blah blah blah. Well I got through the restaurant bit pretty good, but afterwards while walking around, the nerves really hit. It was almost a repeat of the last time we were there, and I started to panic a bit, just trying to make our way through the crowds, and looking around tiny crowded stores. The last two we went to, I found cool stuff for me, and calmed down a bit, but was still nervous until the very end.

It all turned out good, and since it was kinda too late to do the stuff we wanted to do, we made our way home, which I'm proud to say the way there and back were very non issues for me. No anxiety at all!! That's progress, especially since we haven't been there in forever!

Oh yeah and yesterday was a good day too. I even let Matt get a hair cut while I waiting it the lobby area. I could still see him, wasn't really worried. I played my games and before I knew it he was done. Then we went to Bucca de Beppo, where I almost got nervous, but decided not too, we had a good time. I've been doing a lot better with my symptoms too. I feel the balance stuff come on here and there, but I'm trying extremely hard not to get worked up about it, and luckily they have been going away.

So tomorrow, Matt has a dentist appointment for a teeth cleaning and I am worried about that, because there he will be being worked on and if I panic we can't just leave. I'm really hoping my mom will be home, so I can just drive over there and wait til he's done, but she may not be. Then I have my consultation with the other dentist in the afternoon, and oddly I'm more nervous about Matt's appointment then mine. See I know I can leave when I want, and not only that he isn't doing anything but talking to me, so I'm not too scared of that. In fact I'm hoping to convince him to give me a root canal. I really don't want my tooth pulled, but I think I can handle a root canal.

Okay enough of that, my tooth is throbbing again, so I'm outta here. Ouch!


Update, I tried posting this last night (tonight), but blogger is not working.