San Francisco here we come

Monday was our 2 year Anniversary. At first I was worried because any mention or thought of the wedding puts me in a sad mood. It's not that I am unhappily married or we had a bad wedding, it's because I think of how "normal" I was then, and how easy things were to do. I'm talking about ordinary day to day things such as driving by myself, staying home alone, working, going to school etc. That are now huge challenges and are not done without some form of panic.

It also reminds me of the fact that Matt married me as I was then. Happy, able to do things, always willing to travel, go on adventures, basically just have fun.

Neither of us had any idea of the person I was to become. No matter how hard I try, I cannot help but feel guilty for turning into a big anxiety monster a few short months after we married. Even though he swears he is okay with it, I still wonder if he would be happier if we weren't together.

Obviously these are not good thoughts, but they do plague me on a regular basis. Needless to say Monday arrived and I very much wanted it to be a good day. And despite the disappointing trip we had on Saturday we decided to go back to San Francisco to celebrate our union.

This time I was better prepared. I had just done this 2 days before and I knew I could get up there, wander around the city and survive to tell the tale. After all I did it Saturday, even if it was through a veil of anxiety ridden panic most of the time.

Long story short we had a wonderful time, and basically revisited the places we went to previously, but this time, we got out of the car and enjoyed the sites. I went to the Sutro Bath ruins, which were cool, though I did have some moments of panic whilst going up and down the hills.

Regardless I still enjoyed it, and we went on to drive through the Presidio (what is that place anyway?), went to Baker Beach which reminded me of Puerto Vallerta for some reason. Then it was off too Chestnut Street and the surrounding neighborhoods where I needed to do a little research and picture shooting for my book. (For some reason I have really taken to this area, and I am having the main character in my book live there in the Marina District. )

While we were there we ate at the Squat and Gobble and had a fabulous meal of crab cake eggs benedict. Yeah I totally didn't think our anniversary dinner would turn out to be breakfast, but so what, it absolutely hit the spot.

After dinner we went to Chinatown for more research, but then managed to shop more than actually get anything accomplished. No worries, I just needed to be in Chinatown to get the feel of it, and see what it looked like for the book. Thank goodness SF is so close that we can do these trips often.

All in all it was a good day, and on the way home I got to stop at Willy Wonka's. Well that's what I call it. It really is Powell's in Los Gatos which is a wonderful candy store that also serves some of the best Gelato I've ever tasted. Naturally I had to have some to celebrate our big day. :)

I think what helped is that I was determined to have a good day. I didn't want anything to ruin it, and strangely enough that was the best day I've had this week. For some reason all my old and ferocious anxiety symptoms have come out for a reunion. Which means I have had the unfortunate pleasure of experiencing them all this week for various unspecified reasons. I guess they can't quite say good bye yet.

Whatever the reason, I'm tired of them and don't wish to indulge them anymore. If they want to stay for awhile fine, but they better not expect me to pay any attention to them. Just so they understand those terms. As Sri Sri says, "if you resist, they persist." Too bloody right.

If that doesn't work I'll sit them down and give them them a big hug. See how they like that. Ha!

I think I'll go meditate now.