I Love You But I'm Scared of You

So yesterday Matt and I went to San Francisco. This is huge for me. I used to not be able to get past 92, but now I can make it to the city with almost no major panic.

The problem is, the week before we went to see Jen Lancaster at a book signing at Borders on 19th street. That trip was pretty much panic free. I had a little bit on the way but Matt and I were talking about my book so I really didn't pay much attention to where we were on the freeway.

I was sort of nervous upon first arrival at the city, but it went away fairly quick once we went to Fort Funston and watched the hang gliders. I really enjoyed my time there. And the book signing was awesome! Of course it helps to have a big motivation like seeing one of your favorite authors. :)

Naturally I assumed that I would have a similar experience going to the city yesterday. Not so. At all.

Part of the problem is that I was panicking right from the start at the thought of going all the way to Santa Rosa. That was our original plan, and not even a mile from home we decided to nix that idea, based on the fact that I was practically hyperventilating once we started to drive away from home.

Santa Rosa is too big a step for me apparently, but I didn't want to give up so easily. Especially since I was having a lot of successes in the past few weeks and things were finally starting to get better.

I told Matt to keep driving and see how I felt at the end of the hill. It was totally possible that I would be calm by the time we made to the bottom.

Unfortunately this didn't happen. Oh I calmed down enough that I wasn't crying anymore, and I could breathe much easier, but I couldn't completely relax.

Even so I decided to press on. The good news is we made it as far as the city. I was pretty nervous going past 92 again, which disturbed me, but once we got past that there are tons of exits so I knew we could turn around anytime.

Once in the city I thought for sure I would chill out and enjoy myself, but it never happened! The whole blasted time I was a bundle of nerves. We ended up going all over the place and saw interesting things, but we never really got out of the car because when we did I felt funny walking. Ugh! That was so frustrating, because we went to the Sutro bath ruins which I've never been to and I really wanted to explore, but we didn't because I was afraid to go down the stairs thinking I would panic.

We went to Haight Street and got a milkshake and found a cool art store, but all I could think about were the enormous crowds of people and how weirded out I felt trying to look around me and take everything in. It was like there was too much stimulus. Something that never used to be a problem, and Haight Street has always been a favorite shopping area for us.

Then we went to Golden Gate Park. Tons of things there I wanted to look at and do. Like the lake, the Dalia Garden, the Museum ... Any of those things would have been fun, but I just didn't want to walk again.

Eventually we found our way to the Golden Gate Bridge, and decided to go over it. Something I haven't done since last June. I'm not afraid of the Bridge (if there isn't traffic), but it's the farthest I've been in almost a year. Once we were on the other side, we stopped at a rest stop to use the restroom. This is where things went from bad to worse.

For some reason I was super nervous. Not because of going over the bridge, I was fine for that since there wasn't any traffic, but I wasn't looking forward to the time I would be left alone while Matt went to the restroom. Crazy thing is I had to go to. Very bad. So you think I would be occupied enough not to let it disturb me. Ha.

I don't know what it is about waiting for him to come out of public bathrooms but if I'm already scared, I can easily freak out while waiting. I think it's because I feel trapped again, like I can't get help if I need it, because obviously I can't waltz into the men's room and demand he come rescue me.

The stupid thing is, there are tons of people around and IF something happened in the 60 seconds or so it takes to pee and wash up, I'm sure one of the surrounding citizens would send for help. I can't get why he has to be the person to save me. It just doesn't make sense.

Needless to say I had MAJOR panic while walking into and out of the Women's restroom. By the time I was leaving I seriously thought I wouldn't be able to keep standing long enough to walk out the door. And if I had to wait for Matt in this state I was positive I wasn't going to last. By some miracle he walked out just as I did, so I managed to survive. Again we didn't stay to enjoy the lovely view of the bay, the city and the bridge because I needed to leave. :(

Even when we went to Saulsilito right afterwards, I couldn't really enjoy the scenery and cute little town, because I just couldn't freaking relax.

By this time I was very bothered by this because I have been doing so good these past few weeks. Once I started therapy again, it seemed like I was conquering all kinds of things and I was starting to finally feel normal. I thought I could see the beginning of the end of this stupid anxiety. Then yesterday happens and now I don't know what to think.

Why are the symptoms coming back? Why is the nervousness coming back? How come I was able to handle a trip to SF last week but not this one today? Am I regressing? Is this a set back? Will all that hard work I did for the last 3 weeks be gone? Will I ever get over this? Will I ever be normal? Will I ever relax?!

These are the thoughts that plagued me all day yesterday. I was having a setback and I didn't know how to deal with it or even let it go. I couldn't concentrate on all the positive things I've done in the past few weeks,nor the things I did yesterday. All I could think of was that I was regressing and not getting better. I guess that's probably why I never did relax huh? Too many negative thoughts and not enough living in the moment.

In the end we still had a good time. Or I did anyway. I hope Matt did too, but I can see how driving all day around the city can get tiresome, and frustrating when we don't even stop to do the fun stuff.

For me though, it was fun to see the city again and find new places to explore. We even had dinner at a Thai restaurant we liked on the coast and I was half tempted to go for a walk on the beach but alas we didn't. On the way home we took Skyline as far as we could, which was nice because it skipped all that nasty traffic on 19th street, and deposited us right outside the city on 280 which was perfect.

Since I wanted to have even more successes we took Page Mill to Skyline to 9 home and it was a lovely drive, and I actually didn't really freak out this time. One good thing is I am getting used to the mountain roads again.

It has been so sad to be scared of them because those were my favorite roads to travel. I love the times Matt and I would travel along mountain roads in Washington, Oregon and here in California and not know then the next town would show up. It was an adventure. And not once did I stop to think", what if something bad happened to me out here?"

The thing is I love being in nature, but for the last 2 years I've been scared of it. How incredibly silly is that?!