Wha Happened?

Well today was interesting. I got up with the intention to spend a good portion of the day writing. Um, yeah. That didn't really happen. Not that I didn't try, but for some reason, I was having a TON of anxiety.

It all started upon waking up. I was just about to start having an anxiety attack in my dream, and then I woke up abruptly. That always throws me for a loop when I do that. I hate that feeling. All sweaty, anxious, heart pounding... blah.

Once I got rolling and started to wake up though the initial panic subsided, but I still had some strange breathing issues. I've had it before so I wasn't so much scared as I was uncomfortable. It's hard to describe, but it's a feeling of like being bloated or full and not having a lot of air to breathe properly. When you do it sometimes feels short. I hadn't had anything to eat yet, so I knew it wasn't a case of eating too much. I figured it would go away soon, so I tried to ignore it.

Well, then the pounding heart started as I was reading. Thinking I better get moving around to chase off the bad adrenaline, I went downstairs to do laundry. Unfortunately coming back up the stairs had my heart racing overtime, and me being out of breath. This too has happened numerous times in the past so I didn't freak out, but it sure wasn't any fun to deal with.

I finally sat down to write, and I managed to get a few pages out, but nothing was flowing freely. It was a major struggle, and the whole time I was anxious, with my heart beating like crazy.

The really strange thing is, throughout all this I wasn't all that scared. So I don't know what really brought it on or made it stay. I guess it's good though that I didn't freak out, I knew what was going on, because all these symptoms have happened so many times in the past.

I swear this week has been so strange, I just keep getting a barrage of symptoms thrown at me each day, for no particular reason, and I have no choice but to deal with them.

I finally gave up on the writing front, and decided what I really needed was a way to relax. So I meditated. And it helped. I felt pretty darn good, by the end of the meditation, that I stuck around for round two. Things were going well, until the neighbors on the hill above us, starting shouting and blasting music. I tried to tune it out, but then they started constructing something with very loud banging noises that scared the crap out of me, in my meditative state. My heart started racing again, and I gave up.

The good news is, it did help get rid of the overall anxiety. I felt much better, and Matt and I decided to take Monkey for a walk. Half way round the block, we thought it would be a good time since it was warm and mosquito-less, to go out and work on the garden out back. So we hustled the poor cat back home without him getting a chance to eat at the salad bar down the street.

Right now we are in the process of making the garden, so it's just dirt at the moment. We need to dig it up and remove the rocks and despite my back injury I found a great energy release shoveling dirt into the wheelbarrow. It was what I needed to get rid of the last stupid bit of adrenalin that had built up. It felt good to use all my muscles and energy, but I had to give it up before long, because, despite the benefits to my mental health, it sure wasn't beneficial to my back. :(

Oh well. I managed to stay busy anyway, and swept the deck, watered the plants, and cleaned the pool. I always feel better when I do stuff like that, and sure enough, when I came inside, I had the urge to write again. I sat down and started where I left off, and lo and behold, the words flew more easily. It's not great, but it was much better than before and I managed to add a few key things to the dialogue which I totally struggle with.

it doesn't help that I've been reading a book by Hester Browne, who's style I love. The problem is now I totally feel the stuff I have written is rubbish, because I keep comparing it to hers or anybody else I'm reading for that matter.

When I do this, I lose my confidence that I can write. Today I had to limit myself on how much I read, because I don't want to fall into the pit of despair and think I can't finish this book. I will, and I can. It just may take awhile especially since I don't seem to have a complete plot. I wish it would come to me, but so far nada. Oh well that's a story for another time.

Right now, I'm gonna finish writing.

San Francisco here we come

Monday was our 2 year Anniversary. At first I was worried because any mention or thought of the wedding puts me in a sad mood. It's not that I am unhappily married or we had a bad wedding, it's because I think of how "normal" I was then, and how easy things were to do. I'm talking about ordinary day to day things such as driving by myself, staying home alone, working, going to school etc. That are now huge challenges and are not done without some form of panic.

It also reminds me of the fact that Matt married me as I was then. Happy, able to do things, always willing to travel, go on adventures, basically just have fun.

Neither of us had any idea of the person I was to become. No matter how hard I try, I cannot help but feel guilty for turning into a big anxiety monster a few short months after we married. Even though he swears he is okay with it, I still wonder if he would be happier if we weren't together.

Obviously these are not good thoughts, but they do plague me on a regular basis. Needless to say Monday arrived and I very much wanted it to be a good day. And despite the disappointing trip we had on Saturday we decided to go back to San Francisco to celebrate our union.

This time I was better prepared. I had just done this 2 days before and I knew I could get up there, wander around the city and survive to tell the tale. After all I did it Saturday, even if it was through a veil of anxiety ridden panic most of the time.

Long story short we had a wonderful time, and basically revisited the places we went to previously, but this time, we got out of the car and enjoyed the sites. I went to the Sutro Bath ruins, which were cool, though I did have some moments of panic whilst going up and down the hills.

Regardless I still enjoyed it, and we went on to drive through the Presidio (what is that place anyway?), went to Baker Beach which reminded me of Puerto Vallerta for some reason. Then it was off too Chestnut Street and the surrounding neighborhoods where I needed to do a little research and picture shooting for my book. (For some reason I have really taken to this area, and I am having the main character in my book live there in the Marina District. )

While we were there we ate at the Squat and Gobble and had a fabulous meal of crab cake eggs benedict. Yeah I totally didn't think our anniversary dinner would turn out to be breakfast, but so what, it absolutely hit the spot.

After dinner we went to Chinatown for more research, but then managed to shop more than actually get anything accomplished. No worries, I just needed to be in Chinatown to get the feel of it, and see what it looked like for the book. Thank goodness SF is so close that we can do these trips often.

All in all it was a good day, and on the way home I got to stop at Willy Wonka's. Well that's what I call it. It really is Powell's in Los Gatos which is a wonderful candy store that also serves some of the best Gelato I've ever tasted. Naturally I had to have some to celebrate our big day. :)

I think what helped is that I was determined to have a good day. I didn't want anything to ruin it, and strangely enough that was the best day I've had this week. For some reason all my old and ferocious anxiety symptoms have come out for a reunion. Which means I have had the unfortunate pleasure of experiencing them all this week for various unspecified reasons. I guess they can't quite say good bye yet.

Whatever the reason, I'm tired of them and don't wish to indulge them anymore. If they want to stay for awhile fine, but they better not expect me to pay any attention to them. Just so they understand those terms. As Sri Sri says, "if you resist, they persist." Too bloody right.

If that doesn't work I'll sit them down and give them them a big hug. See how they like that. Ha!

I think I'll go meditate now.